


Star Wars Episode IX: The Force in Chaos

by CSLong



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Last Jedi
Genre: Apocalypse, Ben is snarky AF, End of the World, Episode IX, F/M, Gen, M/M, Rey is moody, Reylo - Freeform, Rose is awesome, Squint for Buffy, Squint for FMA:Brotherhood, Squint for Harry Potter, everyone is stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-14 05:56:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 96,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14763914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CSLong/pseuds/CSLong
Summary: Immediately following Episode VIII, Rey and the Resistance find themselves on the brink of disaster.  Next to the formidable First Order, the Resistance seems to have very little chance of survival. However, both the Last Jedi and the Supreme Leader are caught in the middle of something much bigger than either of them could ever imagine; an ancient evil with it's eyes fixed on Rey.  If this power is allowed to rise, the galaxy and everyone in it will fall.   As she descends into darkness the Force, the light rises in another.This is a slow burn, even though Reylo is the center, we get a good dose of all of our favorite characters!





	1. Prologue

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far way…

The Resistance has all but been snuffed out after the First Order’s brutal assault on the planet Crait, led by Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren. Propelled by anger and the ever-rising tide of darkness within him, Kylo Ren continued to spread the influence and power of the First Order throughout the galaxy, forcing more and more planets under the banner of the First Order, seeking to rob the Resistance of it’ remaining resources.

The handful of Resistance survivors who fled Crait aboard the Millennium Falcon have sought refuge on the planet Rivan IV where they hope to remain hidden from the First Order long enough to heal their wounded and garner support from General Organa’s allies throughout the galaxy.

Meanwhile, aboard the Millennium Falcon, Rey and Chewbacca are on a mission to seek out more Force-Sensitive beings the galaxy, in the hopes of continuing the legacy of the Jedi and training young force sensitives in the way of the light.

 

Prologue

About 20 ABY, Jakku

Rey didn’t understand why they weren’t looking at her; why they held her hand so loosely as they crossed across the hot desert sand of Jakku. She tried to curl her fingers around the larger, rougher ones clasped around her wrist, but they evasively snaked away.

She reached out to her mother’s hand, but it remained clenched at her side, refusing to unfold for her daughter.  Neither spoke a word to her, even as they approached the heat obscured the creature in the distance. He was big and hulking and did not look at all friendly to Rey. In fact, if her father wasn’t standing right beside her, she may find him frightening.

As they grew closer, Rey could hear sniffling from her mother, and the path a tear streaked down her dust covered cheek. Her father walked up to the creature and offered a curt nod. The creature looked at her and then back at her father.

“Scrawny little creature,” he sneered. Rey glared at him, angrily. She was not scrawny, and what did it matter to him what she looked like, scrawny or not, it was no concern of his.

“She’s smart as a whip,” said her father, and she beamed with pride. “So, don’t be going back on our deal now, Plutt.”

The creature, apparently called Plutt, looked at her again with an appraising gaze. 

“Fine,” he muttered, reaching into the pocket of his vest. He produced a jingling bag and tossed it to her father, who caught and pocketed it in his own jacket.

“Momma,” said Rey. “Can we go now?”

Her mother still refused to look at her, but Rey could see her lip was trembling. Before she knew what was happening, she felt big sausage like fingers wrap around one of her arms and pull. She let out a scream of panic and tried to grasp harder to her father’s hand.

“Daddy, he’s…” but her cries were cut off, as her father wordlessly pried her fingers from around his wrist.

“We have to go now, Rey.”

Confusion washed over Rey like a sandstorm, stinging at her skin and eyes.

“…but…but I’m going with you daddy.”

He finally freed his hand from her fingers. She lunged again, reaching out to him, but he stepped back, just out of reach, Plutt’s large hand gripped her even tighter, making her wince in pain as he pulled her back. Rey looked from her father to her mother, desperation rising in her throat.

“Momma…Papa…what’s…”

“Come along,” said her father, still clenching his jaw so tight that Rey could hear his teeth rubbing together. Then they turned away from her.

“MOMMA,” Rey screamed, her voice ripping through the desolate planet. “Momma! Papa! Noooo…” she choked on her own, savage scream, tears beginning to bite violently at the back of her eyes. She tried to break free and run after them, her hands clawing at Plutt’s fingers to no avail. They had just let go, and now they were walking back the path they came, the wind covering their footprints with fresh sand, assuring she wouldn’t be able to follow even if she did manage to free herself.

“Please,” she screamed out, leaning forward, as if being just an inch closer would carry the plea in her voice. “Please come back!”

“Quiet girl,” spat Plutt, giving her a shake. She watched them disappear into the sand dunes. She didn’t move, she knew they would turn around soon, she would wake up from this nightmare, and it will all have been just one big misunderstanding. She grasps at this belief as tightly as she can, and then the shuttle that had brought them to this strange planet ascended into the sky. And she was here, feet sinking into the hot sand. It lifted into the atmosphere and disappeared, and something inside her broke, and panic pooled in her little body. Rey’s eyes searched the distance, the horizon, the sand, for something, anything, to tell her that she wasn’t completely alone, something to tell her that the retreating backs were not actually the only people she had in the entire galaxy.

If anyone had been there, they may have thought it was a wounded, animal, so inhuman and feral was the keening wail that poured from the little, lonely girl on Jakku. It was so loud that Plutt felt a shiver go down his otherwise unflappable spine.  It was so loud, so filled with loneliness, confusion and an implacable rage that it rippled along the cord that connected all life in the universe, like the flap of a butterfly wing, impacting the weather hundreds of lightyears away, reaching all the way to a planet long forgotten by the galaxy, a planet that had long been asleep, pouring life into it’s wounded, sleeping soul.

But that rage, that desperate loneliness, it echoed through every fanged plant and vegetation that covered the once lush and green surface, and into the soil from which it grew, all the way to the being that lay at its center. And it poured a new life into her, stronger and more vibrant than anything she had felt in a long time. An awakening, a shift in the force, a call so powerful she could not sleep through it, and a desperate desire to be loved, so delicious she even woke with a wicked, gleaming smile.

“Don’t worry,” she whispered through the force, reaching out into the galaxy. “Don’t worry sweetheart…I’ll come back for you.”


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Rey let out a yelp of pain as she jerked in bed, her elbow slamming painfully to the metal wall of the Falcon that the small cot was attached to. She flung herself unceremoniously off the mattress, and looked around frantically, for whatever had awoken her so suddenly.

The only sound in the dark crew quarters was her own rapid breathing and her pounding heart. She had been afraid, afraid of what? She rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand, trying to work out the pain that had already started to cluster there. She had not slept well in weeks. Well, she never slept well, she spent nights on Jakku practically sleeping with one eye open, for fear of missing them, or for fear of being snatched away in the night. But the past few weeks had been so much worse than usual. She hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since, well, since she had ventured into the cave on Ahch-To. That  was the last night she remembered sleeping with any real modicum of comfort, and then everything had happened so fast after that; allying with Ben Solo, only to revert back to enemy with Kylo Ren within the span of the same hour, the breaking of the saber, the death of Luke Skywalker, all of it was so…overwhelming.

But there was something else, something she couldn’t quite name or comprehend. It was the thing that made her so quick to leave after the resistance had found a new base of operation. She had always felt everything so strongly, even on Jakku, a place where one could scarce afford to indulge in intense emotions for very long.  But now, she felt dulled, numb and exhausted. She felt as if something was just slightly out of place, too small to be seen but of immense importance, and she was going mad trying to discover what exactly it was.

“I can show you the ways of the force…” Kylo Ren had declared this to her, his crackling lightsaber just inches form her face. From that moment on, somehow, things that had never made sense began to fall into the place, as if some part of her mind that had been a stranger to her, was waking up.  She didn’t understand it at the time, but she could feel it, the force awake and present and at her finger tips. Now it felt so foggy and far off, not all together cut off, but distant and obscured.

With a resigned, annoyed sigh, Rey slid to the cold, hard ground and crossed her legs beneath her. She shook out her shoulders and placed her hands on her knees.  She dropped her head forward, stretching out the kinks that had formed in her neck during the night, and drew in several deep breathes, trying to move through the apathy that had bunched in the pit of her stomach and was now seeping into her muscles and bones.

_“Reach out…” he had said. “Reach out with your feelings.”_

“About as useful as those Jedi texts….” She muttered bitterly to herself. She immediately brushed the intrusive thoughts away and tried to refocus.  She breathed again. They were nearing the planet Trialla. She could feel the tug of life as they moved out of the cold, nothingness of space. She tried to reach out, to feel it with more clarity, to tap into the tension that held it all together.

She felt an immediate resistance, that made her lips tremble with frustration and anger. She still felt it, but it was as if seeing everything through a thick haze. She had not realized how deeply her body had tapped into the wellspring of the force, even before she knew of its existence until now, so deeply aware the disruption. She would spend hours working on Jakku, the first out to a salvage yard and the last to go home, energy just flowed through her, sustaining her body through the brutal work she subjected it to. But now, in even less strenuous conditions, she felt exhausted and sluggish, as if her body was starving, despite the fact that, physically, she was more nourished then she had ever been in her life.

She longed for Master Skywalker. Surely, he would know what was going on; why her connection to the Force seemed to weaken so significantly. She pushed up again the block in her mind, only to feel it pushing back, drawing her from peaceful meditation to rage in a manner of moments. She let out a scream of frustration and threw the nearest solid object in the crew’s quarters across the dark room and crashing into the door.

As quickly as it came, it went and was replaced by embarrassment. Master Skywalker would not approve.

“Careful, Jedi,” came the lulling, and tragically familiar voice that inexplicably made her want to descend into tears. “Anger leads to hate…and all that.”

Rey clenched her jaw and blinked away the tears, still facing away from the voice. Lucky for her, it seemed whatever was disrupting her connection to the Force, had not touched the bond. She had ignored the past two times Kylo Ren had interrupted her day-to-day; there was too much confusion, sadness, and anger; so much that neither of them could give words to it. So, they ignored one another.

Until now, apparently.

“I’m not a Jedi,” she muttered, still not turning to look at him.

“True,” Kylo returned with cold indifference. “Sadly, I imagine you are hell bent on tying your powers to that useless religion, given that you turned down an offer of a galaxy in favor of it.”

 _Oh, really,_ thought Rey. _That’s where he wanted this conversation to go? Fine then._

She straightened her back and closed her eyes, trying to find a source of calmness and light. She did not trust herself to look at him; she would be overcome by either sadness or rage, she wasn’t ready to find out which one.

“Well,” she said. “You can hardly expect me to regret that decision given that in two shakes of a bantha’s tail you were ready to blow me out of the sky.”

She could feel him tense up behind her. She fought the overwhelming urge to turn and read the expression on his face.

_Calm._

_Quiet._

_Peace._

But they were all empty words that seemed so far from the tumult of her being.

“To be fair, I didn’t know it was you.”

She laughed at his poor excuse, that she doubted even he quite believed.

“And who exactly did you the think was piloting the Falcon,” she asked, her voice cruel as a force pike. “A porg?”

“A what?”

“They are delightfully moronic and adorable birds that live on the island,” she said, calmly. “But much too small to pilot a freighter.”

“Truthfully,” he said, his voice still distance but a touch less cold. “I did not stop to consider who was in it. As you know, I’m prone to fits of temper.”

She snorted derisively. “Yes,” she said. “You diverted all your fighters onto the Falcon, and all of your firepower on a lone Jedi. The fact that they let you be Supreme Leader of anything is a galactic marvel.”

 She faltered for a moment, a question at the forefront of her mind. She couldn’t resist slightly turning her head, trying to catch a glimpse of him over his shoulder.

“Would it have made a difference,” she asked, her voice guarded and perhaps harsher then she intended. “Had you known?

He didn’t answer, his silence filling the room, and Rey thought that even he didn’t know the answer to that question, and, frankly, there was no answer he could offer that would be good enough, enough to emolliate the stab of pain she felt in her chest as the ramp on the Falcon closed in his face.

“I wish you would just go away,” Rey said, hoping the anger in her voice covered the quake threatening to rise in the back of her throat.

“I know,” he returned, the same measured coolness in his voice he had used the first time he had spoken to her on Takanado, when she became a prisoner of war, a war she had never agreed to fight in, back when she believed there was something waiting for her on Jakku.

Rey sat in silence for several more minutes, once again offering her back to her uninvited guest. She closed her eyes again, this time to block out his heavy, invasive presence, knowing full well she would not be breaking through her current malaise in this moment.

She remained rooted in her spot, not moving until she was certain the bond was closed, and she was once again alone. There were still so many things she wanted to say to him, so many curses and epithets she longed to hurl at him, but she was afraid of what would happen when she allowed that damn to break. It was not something she could afford to test at this juncture, not when the Resistance was hanging on by a thread. So, she hid it away, something precious and terrifying; the tremble of hope when she stood back to back with Ben, fighting with more assuredness than she ever thought possible, the ache of having been so close, and the crushing disappoint of watching it crumble as he tried to convince her to abandon her friends and to let them die. It was the sick sadness of what could have been, but also of realizing that this person, who she somehow knew better than anyone she had ever met, who knew her with a familiarity and intimacy that seemed impossible, truly didn’t know her at all. That he could hold out his hand and ask her to run, to flee, to abandon those she loved to death at the hands of the First Order; he really didn’t know her at all.  And suddenly she was inside of that cave, all over again, and finding herself completely, and utterly alone.

And it frightened her that that feeling only seemed to be growing. Even on the Falcon after Crait, surrounded by people who loved her, people she loved and risked her life to save, she had not been able to shake it.

Rey was pulled out of her reverie by the sound,

She sighed deeply and stood to her feet, despite feeling as though every part of her below the neck was submerged in a thick bog. She could feel the buzzing of life growing nearer and nearer.  Right now, none of that mattered, right now, she had a job to do.

 

**********

Kylo Ren did not truly want to be Supreme Leader of the First Order. It was more of a Plan B, sloppily thrown together as he awoke, bruised in both body and ego, to the wave of seething murder flowing from General Hux.

He is quite certain, had he remained unconscious a moment longer, Hux would have attempted to murder him. He also had to account for the dispatched Praetorian guards and the less then intact Supreme Leader, ergo the flimsy explanation of the scavenger having bested Snoke, the eight guards and him. And while his respect for General Hux was microscopic at best, even he couldn’t do Hux the discourtesy of assuming he had bought his story. No, he assumed that the serpent had some inkling of what had occurred in that throne room, but, hell-bent on surviving, wisely, decided to keep it to himself.

But, still, none of that had been Plan A. Plan A, he admitted was similarly half-cocked, while the goal was more solid, the execution itself was lacking. From the moment he touched her hand, when he saw her future, their future, standing side-by-side, together at the helm of a new ship moving in a new direction, farther and greater than anything the Republic or the First Order could conceive, he knew that Rey would leave that throne room alive, and that Snoke would never leave it again.

And the plan had been going beautifully, as if the Force itself was guiding it, right up until the moment when _she_ had to ruin everything. In the wake of their glory, the galaxy stretched out before them, all she could think about were the retreating rebels; the traitor, the pilot, the General, the whole pathetic lot of them.

Although, he couldn’t delude himself to think he was any less pathetic. Even now, he could hear the metallic hiss of the door closing, blocking her from his view, and he could not seem to root out that pang of regret, no matter how hard he tried, or how desperately he promised that he would indeed, destroy her and the whole of the rebellion.

In retrospect, he realized, “it’s time to let old things die,” may not have been the way to convince Rey to lightspeed with him into the sunset, but hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.

Oh, that he had another helmet to crush into the walls of his chambers. And to make it all worse, he had not had a decent nights rest since Crait; every night he is stirred awake by something, like there is a rope tied around him that is being yanked halfway across the galaxy.  At first, he thought it was the Force bond, but that pull was familiar at this point, something he recognized.  This was new, like something rippling their end of the Force from one side of the galaxy all the way to his, urging him to follow the wave.

But, as it was, he did not have time for moon-lit, berry-picking expeditions across the galaxy. He was, apparently, Supreme Leader of the First Order, commander of the Knights of Ren, possessor of a still viable force bond with the last living Jedi in the galaxy, and the proud owner of one red-headed general who was just looking for his chance to turn on his new master. It was all, very exhausting.

He clipped his saber onto his belt and his cape to his shoulders. He had decided to go a different direction with the Supreme Leader aesthetic, steering away from the ostentatiousness of the gold bathrobe with the deep v-neck.  Perhaps, to his credit, Snoke could pull off the look while looking intimidating, he imagined he would look ridiculous.

He still had an itch to run, to chase whatever voice was calling him into the Wild Regions of space. But he knew that was impossible. Right now he had a job to do, a job to sniff out his mother and the woman who was quite possible his soulmate; he would forgive himself for being less than excited


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

  “Finn…Finn…can you hear me?”

Rey spoke clearly into the dilapidated transceiver. 

“Yeah Rey, I can hear you.”

Rey’s heart warmed at the sound of Finn’s voice, whether right in front of her or lightyears away, it wrapped around her and rocked her in a hug.

“How are you,” he asked.

“I’m okay,” she said, mustering all the honesty she could. She wanted to tell Finn what was going on. She had tried a few times, tried to help him understand what she had been going through since Crait, but it was so much, so big, she barely understood any of it. “Chewie and I just landed on Trialla.”

“What’s it look like, got a lot of green for you?”

She laughed ruefully. “No, not green, it’s more like if Jakku were covered in rocks instead of sand.”

“Well I’d take that over Jakku any day,” said Finn. She could practically hear the wink in his voice. “I hate sand.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else in the galaxy,” she said. “I think if we harnessed our collective hate for sand, we could take down the whole First Order in a few hours.”

“I’ll be sure to run the battle plan by the General.”

Rey’s thoughts immediately shifted at the mention of Leia.

“Have you spoken with Leia and Poe?”

“Yes,” he said. “Right before you contacted me, actually.”

“And how are they?”

“Poe’s frustrated,” he said, Rey could hear the second-hand frustration in her friend’s voice. “…he thinks that all of these unallied systems are just…what was it he said…First Order Lite.”

Rey absently looked from the radio to the viewport, and the long stretch of red clay before her. It was an Outer Rim planet, one where crime and slavery had run rampant for the past one hundred years. She thought of Jakku, unaffected by the Empire, the New Republic or the First Order.

“Rey?”

“Yeah…I’m here Finn,” she said. “Hopefully, Leia is teaching Poe a bit of diplomacy.”

“I don’t know,” said Finn. “The whole reckless-half-cocked-hop-in-an-X-wing-and-blow-stuff- up thing kind of works for him.”

Rey smiled, hearing the deep affection that Finn had for the Pilot always made her smile. Finn was fiercely loyal, to her, to Rose, Leia, and to Poe, but there was something special in the way he spoke about the pilot who had named him, the way he tended to and handled the jacket that he wore like a second skin,  the way they looked at one another with a startling amount of intimacy; almost enough to make Rey blush, even in the most innocuous interactions.

“Yes,” she said. “It seems to. But all the same, Leia looks to be grooming him to be her second, which means he’ll have to learn the finer skills of tact and negotiation.”

She needed a second, perhaps a third and fourth as well, thought Rey to herself. The way the Resistance seemed to be drop like flies, they needed a deep chain of command, and Poe, despite his go-to response of force and firepower, was a natural second to Leia, both in his skills but also as someone who Leia trusted implicitly.

“And how are things on your end?”

“Well most of the new trainees are useless, half of them have never touched a weapon, and we have maybe one pilot in the bunch…this rebuilding is going to take some time.”

“Yeah,” said Rey. “But we had better be patient, the First Order has deep pockets and threats of destruction. We can’t go for a quick victory, we can’t afford lose 90% of our people again.”

Rey looked down at her hands, a wave of guilt washing over her. She had left them. One of their only living pilots, one of their experienced fighters and she wasn’t there.

“And how’s your cross-galaxy treasure hunt going?”

“Not great,” she said. “The few I have been able to accurately locate, have rejected me. Luring people away with the promise of multiple near-death experiences, and a teacher who has a whopping week and a half of training herself, doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.”

“Don’t sell yourself short Rey,” said Finn. “You’ll be a great teacher.”

Rey let out a laugh. “Thank-you Finn, but many of the greatest Jedi of all time, including Luke Skywalker, had years of training and still managed to have multiple students be tempted to the dark side.”

Rey squeezed her eye shut, she could see Luke’s gaze on her, wide and frightened, “ _You went straight for the dark,_ ” he had said. “ _You didn’t even try to resist it.”_

“Which means they weren’t doing something right,” said Finn, his voice crackling with overwhelming sincerity. “At the end of the day, weren’t Jedi just beings figuring it out as they go? They got a lot right, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t more to get right, right?”

Rey let out a laugh, overwhelmed with love for Finn as he all but echoed the words of Luke _. “To say that if the Jedi die, the light dies, is hubris.”_ Unfortunately, the legend of the Jedi was the card she had to play, and even that legend was beginning to falter.  So the odds of being able to explain the Force to some scared Force-sensitive being outside of the context of the Jedi was a difficult prospect indeed.

“Thank you, Finn,” she said. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

They sit in silence, neither spoke for several minutes. She felt about her friends, the same way she had been feeling about her connection the Force; it was there, she wanted it, she longed for it, but something felt slightly out of place, like she had to work just a bit harder to keep it, to make it fit.

“I…uh…I have to go now, Finn. We had to land the Falcon a bit away from town, so I need to start heading that direction if I want to be back by nightfall.”

“Yeah…yeah of course. Be safe, Rey.”

“Always.”

“And Rey…please, come home soon.”

She swallowed hard, tears pricking at the back of her eyes. She loved him so, and she loved the Resistance, their strength and loyalty and perseverance.  But, god, how much she wished it felt like home.

“I will Finn. I promise.”

*****

Finn felt a deep sense of foreboding when the communication ended. He knew Rey was going through something, something that was too much for her to carry alone. He could hear it in her voice, the twinge of exhaustion, deeper then the exhaustion that came from being chased across the galaxy the First Order in the Falcon. Since being reunited on Crait, it seemed things weren’t quite the same.

He knew he hadn’t spent much time with Rey previous to his injury and Rey’s hunt for the last Jedi, but he still knew her deeply. They shared a bond, forged of having no real place to belong in the galaxy, having no one to really call family. He had gone back for her, she had saved his life…multiple times. He knew her. And he knew something was off, a heaviness that seemed to follow her wherever she went.

But when pressed, Rey insisted she was fine. To his knowledge she hadn’t told anyone exactly what happened on the island between her and Luke, or what exactly brought her to _Supremacy_ the day Snoke died and Kylo Ren assumed command of the First Order.

He was hurt at first that she kept so much of it to herself, but the more he watched her bend beneath the weight of all that was happening around her, he realized perhaps it was how she was coping. It was overwhelming in her own mind and she was desperately trying to make sense of it all, and attempting to help someone else understand, would be impossible.

He knew a little bit about that himself. He found himself surrounded by worry. Rose had been at the forefront of that for a while, but she had healed nicely and was almost up to full strength and vitality. But no sooner had that worry all but dissipated, Poe and Leia left on their mission. He knew he shouldn’t worry; both Poe and Leia had an uncanny ability to escape situations that would, to the average human, mean certain death. But another part of him couldn’t help but think that this meant that the odds of repeating said death-defying stunts were growing smaller and smaller every time.

And every time the thought descended on him, he had to actively pull himself out of it. The thought that Poe may not make it back caused an inexplicable wave of nausea, a reaction one could hardly afford to have in a Resistance that was hanging by a fraying thread.  People _were_ going to die, it was simple as that. And while all the deaths were felt keenly, there were some he knew he could not brace for, some he knew would be death blows.

He wanted to be committed in the way Poe was, and fearless in the way Rey was, and passionate in the way Rose was, but he couldn’t, people complicated things for him. It was why he could never fully commit as a stormtrooper, when death, and blood and people became real, idealism and causes got shifted to the back of his brain.

And he needed his people to survive. He needed Poe to come back. He traced the edges of the jacket, and let out a heavy sigh, sinking back into the chair. And he knew there was a better chance of that happening if they ended this sooner rather and later. So he stayed behind, training new recruits and the increasing number of defecting First Order troopers, those few who were able to take advantage of the post-Snoke chaos.

And apparently he was the man for that job.

And that scared him the most.  He was the most qualified man for the job; the ex-stormtrooper who mopped up the Supremacy, he was there best bet.  Granted, he had enough fighting chops to take out chrome-domed Phasma, but still, he’d feel a little bit better if someone over 30 with a bit more experience in battle was instructing the new recruits.

But Poe, Rose and Rey had insisted. They believed in him, and right now, they needed him, and that was enough to set all his insecurity aside and stand in front of a base filled with oppressed farmers and vengeful orphans, all looking for a chance to take a bite out of the First Order, he prayed that was enough to compensate for the lack of experience.

********

 

“As you can see, Supreme Leader, our campaign in the Mid Rim is proving more effective than we imagined.” Hux gestured toward the projected map of the galaxy, red dots scattered across, putting Kylo in mind of a childhood skin rash that had afflicted his body after an unsupervised escape from a Senatorial dinner into the wooded area of an unfamiliar planet. Leia had been furious.

 “They systems there are toppling like…” Hux falters, considering the metaphor he had stumbled into and clearly unable to finish it in the heat of the moment.

“Something that topples,” finished Kylo, unable to resist the chance to embarrass General Hux in front of the other military officials in the room.  Hux looked at him for a moment, something almost imperceptible crossing his face before turning back to the star map. He had gotten more skilled at hiding his death glares since his ascension to Supreme Leader, but Kylo suspected that they were none the less festering behind his façade of control. There were few joys to his job, few things that gave meaning to his expedition to stomp out the Resistance, and watching Hux’s eyes twitch like a frog in a science experiment was one of those things.

“Even the planets with former allegiances to the New Republic are proving easy to convince…” said Hux. “Principals don’t stand up long against Dreadnoughts and trade embargos.” He stopped and pointed at a cluster of systems not afflicted by the red mark. “As you can see we have some resistance from planets with previous strong populist loyalties.”

“Have they aligned with the Resistance,” asked Commander Yarth, a young up in comer in the First Order military. Hux gave him a sharp look, apparently offended that someone had the gall to speak over him.

“No,” he said tersely. “Not yet. Though these are the systems we should be watchful of; though they have not given support to the Resistance, they are certainly the ones that have ties to General Organa.”

“Not strong enough to answer the distress call we discovered coming from Crait,” finished Kylo. “Their loyalty should be easy to sway, General.”

“Forgive me Supreme Leader, but I do not think it wise to underestimate General Organa.”

“And you think I do?”

“No,” he said hurriedly. “That wasn’t my…I mean people are foolish, and easily swayed by false heroics. I think our effort would be better concentrated on focusing our on locating the survivors from Crait before they can build their cause, which I have no doubt that the General is already doing; she is a skilled diplomat and…”

Kylo’s eyes flashed dangerously, as his temper brewed beneath his chest. He did not much care for Hux speaking about General Organa as though he somehow had greater insight into who she was because of their shared title.

“I am well aware of General Organa’s strength as a politician,” he spat.

_“What are you still doing here…”_

Kylo looked around the command room, suddenly distracted from his own thoughts. Was she here?

“Of course, Supreme Leader…” Hux’s voice buzzed annoyingly in his head.

_“I said, what are you still doing here? There are more important things for you…”_ That pulling had returned, now so loud it was manifesting as an annoying voice in his head.

 “Perhaps in order to maximize our resources, the hunting down of the remaining resistance leaders is a task that could be passed to your Knights…” Hux stopped when he heard the sound of Kylo’s leather gloves curling into a fist, flinching in preparation for the crushing sensation against his windpipe. Kylo saw an obvious flicker of surprise when it didn’t occur; self-control had never been his strong suit, but one that was necessary in his current position. He also knew, as far as his Knights were concerned, he had to tread carefully, lest his own faithfulness to the First Order be called into question. They had never belonged to the First Order, they had belonged to him, and he would prefer to keep it that way.

“My Knights,” he said, voice quiet and deadly. “Are otherwise engaged, spread across the galaxy, maintaining order and protecting our interests in the most volatile systems in the galaxy, ones where infrastructures are new and delicate, ones that should they be left unattended would create a breeding ground for the lowest lifeforms in existence.  I do not trust our First Order military with that job.” He said it with a tone of finality that clearly read across the room, hoping each commander felt the sting of the insult. “Now if you are not able to track down a meager group of survivors, then I think perhaps I should turn the galaxy over to General Organa now, wouldn’t you agree Hux?”

Hux gave the slightest, most curt of nods.

“What was that General,” pressed Kylo. “I didn’t quite catch that, speak up.”

“Yes,” he growled, no longer able to keep his aggression completely on a leash. “Supreme Leader.” The title was forced from his mouth like a bad taste.

“Good,” he said. “If indeed General Organa is planning on recruiting more systems to the Resistance, she will be looking to those that remain unaffiliated, I would recommend that we start there. But do not go in, guns blazing, the General will be making a calculated risk. We know the major unaffiliated systems, and she will know that, but the Resistance must choose between building its resources or fading into oblivion all together, and I suspect they will not choose the latter.”

“What are you suggesting Supreme Leader?”

“I don’t make suggestion General, I am saying our resources are better spent choking out possible resources for the Resistance, then hopping from planet to planet looking for the Resistance base. If we cut off their possible supply of recruits, and allies, and resources…”

“She murdered Snoke,” said Hux. “Crushing the survivors should be a priority.”

“What do you suggest, General? We call out every Dreadnaught in the First Order, bomb every possible planet the base may be, and then salt the dirt?”

“No, I suggested that we divert your Knigh…”

This time Kylo found his reservoir of self-control had dried up, and Hux grabbed at his throat, letting out gasping breathes.

“As I said, my Knights are otherwise engaged,” Ren said, squeezing his fist. “Right now, our primary target should be to continue our campaign in the Middle Rim where the unaffiliated systems are most numerous. This will smoke out the remaining resistance, and give us boots on the ground to track their movement, and establish leaders who protect our interests there. If we maintain and build our allies, the less thin we have to spread the resources we have; multiple birds with one stone…Isn’t that right, General?”

Hux let out a gasp and doubled over, gulping in deep, unrestricted breathes.

“Yes, Supreme Leader."

Kylo nodded, satisfied. He told himself that his desire to not chase the remaining resistance across the galaxy was because it wasn’t a good use of resources; he had slipped with Luke Skywalker, and with the Falcon, made tactical, emotional errors that diverted from their goal. He did not want to make that mistake again. He would not make that mistake again. That was it. The only reason.

_“What are you still doing here? This isn’t where you are supposed to be.”_

He blinked hard and stood to his feet, and quickly dismissed himself.

It had nothing to do with the fact that he had no idea how he would respond if he ever had to see Rey again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! :) Ya'll are awesome!


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Rey made her way through the crowded streets of the small outpost on Tallias.  Despite the disruption in her Force connection, much like her connection to Kylo, she could feel something strongly, like a blackhole of Force energy, pulling her closer and closer. Honestly, Rey was more than a little intimidated by it. If a novice like her could feel it, then it meant that whoever she was searching for was incredibly strong with the Force, strong enough to call out to her, either intentionally or not. What could she possible have to teach someone like that?

“Hey out of the way,” a species she did not recognize shoved past her with a cart filled with wiggling fish-like creatures, from which a smell wafted that was strong enough to clear a substantial path.  Even though Rey had come a long way from Jakku, she still wasn’t quite used to being in spaces with so many people. She had spent most of her time since leaving Jakku on the Falcon or an isolated island, so the opportunity to adjust to living somewhere other than a sparsely populated junkyard had yet to present itself. She was still seeing species she had never imagined, and hearing languages she had never heard.

Rey wondered if this would ever end, and what she would do if it did. If the First Order was victorious, she imagined that meant she would be either dead or imprisoned, the options were not pleasant but no overwhelming. But if the Resistance were the victors, what then? What would she do? Did she have some obligation as a quasi-formed Jedi to pass on what Luke taught her? Would she travel the galaxy, taking in all the things she had missed while on Jakku? It was strange; there were two parts of her at war, the desire to belong, to have a family, to not be left behind anymore, and the part that told her to run, to do the leaving, that she didn’t truly belong anywhere, her chance to belong had long died, she was too shaped by 15 years of isolation and loneliness, and nothing would ever be able to fill that.

She shoved her way through the crowds that reformed as the cart passed, feeling a little foolish, chasing after an effervescent feeling that wasn’t giving her much more direction as much as it was overwhelming her with its presence. If it toned down just a tad, she may have a direction to work from instead of just aimlessly wondering around a strange planet.

But it was all she had; because, again, the texts said very little about this particular part of the job, and Luke could only be described as the “anti-recruiter” for the Jedi, so here she was stumbling through this like a blind tauntaun; a blind tauntaun who couldn’t seem to shake this headache she’s had since landing.  It has started like a dull ache at the base of her skull, but it had since climbed up the back of her head and behind her eyes, like a parasite burrowing into her brain.

The bustling outpost did little to help; constant shouting, movement, color and people; all the people. She hated herself for resenting them, it was there home, not hers, but all the same she felt a spark of anger every time someone screamed across the crowded streets to near to her ears.

Somehow, anger had become a more frequent emotion for her of late.  Kylo was right, it was not befitting a Jedi. And somehow, she had felt it so much more since becoming aware of the Force. On Jakku, she had been frightened, frustrated, sad, and lonely, but rarely angry. But that had been her constant state since leaving Jakku.

Hot burning anger and filled her lungs when Kylo Ren had murdered Han.

Murder had tinged her blood, enough for her to draw her blaster and shoot to kill the first time she thought she saw Kylo again.

When Luke had told her to leave the island, when she found out who had created Kylo Ren, she had seen red; enough to raise a saber to the man she had so hoped would be her master.

And fighting those guards; the hum of their sabers, the burning scent of cauterized flesh, her own feral scream, that anger had tasted, particularly, good.

…Indeed, not suitable for a Jedi in the least.

However, despite the mingling of the anger and the headache, she was not so distracted that she didn’t sense the nimble fingers reaching into the bag across her back. She didn’t need a fully functional connection to the force to know someone was trying to take her things, it was a skill finely honed as a scavenger. Quick as a flash she spun around toward the would-be pickpocket, her fingers clamping around a thin, too-small wrist.

She felt suddenly like she couldn’t breathe; her head was pounding furiously.

She looked up from the tiny, dirty hand to the face of the thief; a small, dirty face, covered in strange markings and tattoos, and all too familiar eyes, desperate, young, and somehow old, all at once. The little human girl stared up at Rey, mouth slightly open, and eyes wide with fear.

They stared at one another for just a moment before the little girl reaches out her hand, a nearby stick flung through the air and to her unrestrained hand. She brandished it high, as if about to strike.

This was her, Rey thought. She dropped her hand quickly, and backed away, her palms facing outward toward the tiny child.

“Hey,” said Rey, her voice soft and low. “It’s okay.”

The little girl still looked at her suspiciously, not lowering her stick. Rey slowly reached for the strap of the bag around her shoulder; the little girl tensed and backed away slowly. Rey held her gaze as she slowly brought the bag into her hands, she reached inside with one hand, and waved the little girl over with the other.

“Come here,” she said. “It’s okay.”

She pulled out one of the meal bars from the Falcon, not particularly delicious, but was packed with the appropriate nutrients. She held it out, opening her hands so that it lay flatly against her palm. Rey could see the little girl lick her lips, and look about, as if looking for someone to tell her to go ahead and take the gift. Slowly, the girl lowered her stick and stepped closer to where Rey was kneeling in front of her. She held out her hand and called the food out of Rey’s and into hers before taking a few steps back.

“Clever,” said Rey, with a small smile.

The little girl looked up at Rey as she devoured the bar with all the manners of Kowakian monkey-lizard.  She munched happily on her prize, still looking at Rey wearily.

“I’m Rey,” she said, finally, sitting down on the dirt ground.

The girl did not respond, but continued to eat.

“Can you understand me?”

Slowly, the little girl nodded.

“Can you speak?”

Another nod.

“Will you?”

She looked down, shyly at the remaining bits of the meal bar. Her eyes looked impossibly large, especially when set against her dirt-covered face. Rey felt a tiny tremor in her heart, there was sea of such intense loneliness in her eyes that it was like being punched in the stomach.

There were few things that felt like home to her, but that look, that desperate desire to be seen but also to hide, it was as though she was standing in front of the nearly endless mirror all over-again, destined to be faced forever with the reality that she was all she had.

She looked up and was taken a back in shock, the girl was standing almost nose to nose with her, face scrunched in curiosity, eyes rapidly darting back and forth taking her in with a gaze that seemed to peer right through her.

Rey watched as the little girl slowly raised a hand. Rey didn’t move, for fear of frightening the skittish creature.  But as soon as the warm palm pressed to Rey’s cheek, she was the one suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to run and hide.

It felt like a protective blanket being ripped away from her, and a rush of cold flooded through her blood stream, constricting her heart; cries of loneliness flooded her consciousness, it wasn’t her but it could have been.

Rey suddenly found herself peering through a haze of black, three figures walking away. She did not recognize them, but she wanted to scream out for them to return, to beg them for one parting glance back. Then suddenly, the sickness and the sadness morphed into something dark and bubbling, like tentacles made of thick, sticky tar, wrapping around her ankles, wrists and throat, pulling her down…down…down…

When the hand abruptly pulled away from her cheek, Rey felt herself falling forward into the hot, red dirt, heaving against the weight of the emotion just imbued on her, the taste of salty liquid on her lips, and the lingering, whisper of something else that she couldn’t quite name.

She looked up at the little girl, slowly and trembling, as she sat back on her legs.

“Sitari,” said Rey, her voice rasped, as if it had been her screaming. “That’s your name?”

Sitari nodded, blinking free the tears that had pooled in her own eyes.

“You don’t have a family.”

“Neither do you.”

She said it with certainty, stark and unapologetic, but not harsh. Rey let out a small laugh.

“You’re right.”

She surprised herself with how easily that flew from her mouth.

“You’re here for me,” asked Sitari, her voice tremulous and hopeful.

Rey nodded, slowly.

“Yes,” she said. “You… you have a power in you, don’t you? I could feel it all the way across the galaxy. Do you know anything about it?”

“It’s always been part of me,” she said. “But I don’t know what it is…I just…”

“Sitari!”

Rey looked forward abruptly at the speaker that Sitari had turned to look at, immediately the little girl shrunk in on herself, as if she had been scolded by someone with the power to hurt her. Rey knew that look too. How many times had that same fear trembled through her when Plutt would yell at her after a day of scavenging, always “disappointed” with the plunder of the day, no matter how useful or rare the find.  Always ready to give her half a portion less than the night before, for some obscure reason he would cite with confidence.

The speaker was a towering, wall of a man, human, though an apparent life of rough living left him scared, his face seemed almost rearranged as if hit by a meat cleaver several times over. Like Sitari, he was caked in the same red dirt that seemed to latch onto everything on this planet.

Rey stood, her body poised in defense, her fingers instinctively reached out for Sitari.

“Who are you,” asked Rey, her eyes narrowing angrily, one arm moving slightly behind her to grip the staff that hung there.

“Who am I,” he asked, spit flying from behind his cracked and blistered lips. “I should be asking you the same question, why ya talkin’ to my property?”

Rey swallowed, and breathed in.

Peace.

Calm.

Tap into the tension that holds it…

Her thoughts were interrupted by ’s scream of pain as the man grabbed her roughly by the shoulder and yanked her to his side, hard enough to pull her little arm out of its socket.

“Get your hands off her,” Rey demanded, her teeth clenched so hard she could hear the sound of them scraping together.

The man let out a bemused bark of a laugh, and then, as if to make his point, he lifter her up by the arm, her feet dangled off the ground and she let out a whimper of pain.

“This little good-for-nothing,” he said giving her a shake for good measure. “She ain’t no concern of yours.”

In a flash the staff was off of her back and in her hands.

“I said…” Rey’s voice lowered and she shifted her stance, lower and wider. “Let…her...go…”

“What about property do you not understand, if I want to set her on fire then that’s damn well what I’m…”

Suddenly the staff was rendered useless as a surge of power coursed through Rey, as if something else, something outside of her had sunk into her skin and was controlling her, but she wasn’t fighting it, whatever it was, it was saturating places long hidden, those places that had frightened Master Luke so.

She saw the look of fear on the man’s face as the ground began to shake beneath his feet at the command of her outstretched hand, warping around his ankles and pulling him into the earth. He let out a startled cry, causing a few passer byers to stop and gape or to hurry past in fear, but Rey didn’t care, she wasn’t afraid of them.

She wasn’t afraid of anyone.

The ground continued to swallow him, as he sunk further down, now up to his calves. He had dropped Sitari, who was looking calmly between Rey and her blubbering master. He pulled and surged against his entrapment, but it was in vain. Rey could see the vein bulging from his forehead, his neck strained as he tried to push forward, and his eyes were wide with a fear that only served to stoke her.

It wasn’t until the ground was up to his waist, his cries the loudest thing in the market, that Rey dropped her hand, a slow sensation of being roused from sleep swept over her. She blinked several times, and looked at the large crowd that had gathered, each one recoiled in fear as she met their gaze.

But she didn’t care. She held out her hand to Sitari.

“Do you want to come with me,” asked Rey.

Sitari shyly walked over to Rey’s outstretched hand.

“You won’t leave me,” asked Sitari. Rey wasn’t sure if Sitari had thought it, spoke it allowed or if the question simply poured from her earnest gaze. But she answered all the same.

“No,” Rey said softly, as she wrapped her fingers around Sitari’s hand. “I’ll never leave you.” She spoke it like a covenant, a prayer, pouring from some primal place she didn’t even know existed within her.

She had never meant anything as much as she meant those words.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4

Poe didn’t like this one bit. He had finely tuned senses as a pilot, senses that over and over again had kept him alive. He had come to rely on them. The problem was, the only person whose instincts he trusted more than his own were Leia’s, and she kept reassuring him it was fine.

And, so far, she had been right. This was their fourth stop, the Outer Rim planet of Athiled; supposedly unaffiliated with a mild affection for General Organa, not enough to answer their distress call from Crait, but an affection all the same. As they deboarded the shuttle in one of the small hangars in the capital building, Poe got the feeling that they didn’t get a lot of visitors. The place was dirty and clearly unused. 

“Miskani,” greeted Leia warmly. Poe looked up as the caravan of Lufut approached them. He didn’t know much about the Athiled natives. They were humanoid, though as group they appeared to be a bit smaller than the average human, in height and build. Their skin was almost translucent, revealing the dark green veins that webbed throughout their body.

Poe had a bad feeling about the whole thing from the begging. He was not a politician, Poe was pilot. He belonged in an X-Wing, blowing the bad guys out of the sky. This was the part of rebellions that he didn’t like, the ally-making, the schmoozing, the pleading.

“They are cowards,” he had told Leia, before they began the mission. “They couldn’t be counted on when we most needed them, how the hell are we supposed to count on them now?”

Leia had looked at him with that face of exasperated affection that she seemed to have on reserve just for him.

“Poe,” she had said, calmly. “They aren’t cowards, they are neutral, there’s a difference.”

“Is there though?”

“Remember, Poe, I was there. I was there when the Republic handed over its power to the Emperor. I was also there when the New Republic did the same thing, repeated all the same mistakes, all the while these systems suffered. We have given them very little reason to hope in anything. So help me do that.”

Poe, of course, agreed to join Leia on her mission, only to be frustrated further by the continued apathy from these star systems. Only one had even given the hint of hope that they would be willing to invest any resources in the Resistance, and Leia had acted as though they had been graced with an unimaginable gift.

It made Poe sick that someone like Leia had to suck up to these people, no matter how good she was at it.

“Princess Organa,” Miskani greeted, inclining his head. “We cannot tell you how happy we are to see you. We so regretted that we did not have the resources to come to your aid on Crait.”

Poe bit his tongue so hard he could have drawn blood, but Leia, ever the diplomat, was completely unfazed by the comment.

“Yes,” she said. “We took substantial losses, but we hope to be able to recover, especially now that the galaxy has seen full well what kind of regime the First Order seeks to implement.”

“Yes,” said Miskani, his face still unreadable. “Their destructive capabilities are sure to inspire many to join your resistance.”

Leia raised an eyebrow, but did not take the bait.

“I assume that is why you have come?”

“You assumed correctly,” she said.

“Well I am sorry that you made the trip out…”

“Oh, come now Miskani,” she said. “Are you going to turn away a tired old woman without even hearing what she has to say?”

The two lock eyes for a moment. Poe watched Leia, all unflappable poise, stare down her opponent with cool grace.

“Of course not,” he finally said. “You and…”

“Commander Dameron…”

“Yes, of course, Commander Dameron…” Miskani motioned for them to follow him out of the hangar. “Come with me.” Leia continued to chat amicably with Miskani. Poe continued to look around the hangar, his fingers poised near his blaster.

He didn’t have a good feeling about this at all.

***************

Rey held Sitari all the way back to the Falcon. From the moment she laid eyes on the girl, an overwhelming wave of protectiveness took hold of Rey. Every being they passed on the way to Falcon, every gaze and questioning glance, Rey returned in kind with a fierceness she didn’t even know she possessed. The way the little girl’s hands squeezed around her neck, the way she buried her face in her shoulder, stirred something altogether new inside Rey.

She barely had to compensate for the slight weight of the malnourished child. She picked up the pace as she traversed the grey, rocky terrain, knowing there was more food for her on the Falcon.

“Where are we going,” queried Sitari, her soft voice only slightly muffled by Rey’s shoulder.

“Somewhere you’ll be safe,” she said.

“And you’ll be there?”

“I’ll be there.”

Rey knew she should keep searching for more Force-sensitives in the galaxy. But, somehow, the cause, the plan, had dropped far down her priority list. All she could think about was getting Sitari somewhere far away, somewhere she was safe and secure.

When the Falcon came into view Rey gave Sitari a little shake, prompting her to sit up.

“Okay,” she said. “There’s going to be a big, furry Wookie on the Falcon. Do you know what a Wookie is?”

 Sitari shook her head, eyes wide and trembling with fear.

“That’s okay,” she said. “He’s my friend and he’s going to help us get somewhere safe, okay? He may look scary at first, but he’s very friendly.”

Sitari nodded.

Rey ascended the ramp onto the Falcon.

“Chewie,” she called as she entered. Chewbacca let out a growl from the cockpit. She looked down at Sitari. Her mouth was opened slightly, as if in awe, as she looked around the inside of the Falcon.

“Have you ever been on a ship before,” asked Rey.

 Sitari pursed her lips and shook her head.

“This is a good one to start,” said Rey. “There isn’t a better ship in the whole galaxy.”

When they made it to the cockpit, Chewbacca was coaxing the Falcon back to life.

“Chewie,” she said, alerting him to their presence. He turned and growled out a greeting. “This is Sitari. She’s coming with us back to the base.”

Chewie nodded with the same comfortable acceptance he offered to anyone he decided was worth trusting. Rey liked that about him. She didn’t have to fight, or defend or push, even if he didn’t completely understand or agree with her.  It was a refreshing.

“Sitari,” she said. “Do you want to stay here and watch the ship take off?”

 shook her head violently and buried her face into Rey’s neck.

“Yeah that’s okay… it can be scary the first time,” said Rey, gently patting her hair. She looked at Chewie. “You got this for now?”

Chewie growled in affirmation and assured her he had taken a nap while she was gone. Rey nodded and carried Sitari back out of the cockpit.

“Are you hungry?”

She shook her head, shyly.

“Are you sure,” pressed Rey.

“Yes,” she answered. “Not right now. But I will be later?” She posed it as a question, as if only tentatively trusting that food would be an option later. Rey remembered a few times where she was lucky enough to happen upon food, hungry or not, she would gobble it up; for fear that it would be snatched away later. So, she knew the trust Sitari was putting in her by deferring meal time.

“I’m sleepy,” said Sitari.

“Okay, well lucky for you we have some moderately comfortable beds on the Falcon!”

 Sitari let out a little giggle and nodded excitedly. It was one of the loveliest sounds Rey had ever heard, and it made her heart ache with love.

Rey couldn’t help but wonder why her feelings were so strong concerning the little girl, only having just met her. Was it normal for a teacher to feel so much love and protection for their Padawan? She certainly didn’t feel it for Luke, and Luke did not feel it for her, but she also caught him on a the tail end of his experimentation with hermitcy, perhaps that impacted him. Perhaps it came from being the first life form she had come across who was strong in the Force and somehow needed her, was dependent on.  But then, maybe the simple answer for why Rey felt like she could kill just about anyone to protect the little girl in her arms, is that her loneliness called out to her own. It was like looking in a mirror. Maz had said if you live long enough you start to see the same eyes in different people, and Sitari had the eyes of someone who had been left behind.

Rey carried her toward the crew’s quarters, her big eyes were already starting drooping shut and her head bobbed up and down against her shoulder.  Rey slid Sitari to the floor and reached down to grab the blanket.

“Do…do you want me to tuck you in?”

Sitari nodded eagerly.

“Please.”

Rey pulled back the blanket and Sitari hopped onto the bed. She laid back on the pillow and then wiggled lower onto the bed so that her feet were under the blanket. Rey pulled the blanket back and tucked the edges in around Sitari, who watched her with a small smile forming at the corner of her lips. Rey felt as though her heart was going to burst.

“Thank you, Rey,” said Sitari.

Rey laid a hand on Sitari’s forehead and stroked her hair back.

“You’re very welcome.”

“We’re…we’re going somewhere safe?”

“Yes somewhere safe.”

“And you won’t leave me?”

Rey shook her head vehemently, the thought of it seemed impossible.

“No,” she said, her voice strong and resolute. “I am never going to leave you.”

Sitari’s eyes welled up with tears, her lip started to tremble.

“That’s what my family said too,” she said. “But they still left me behind. They were scared of me and they…” her voice caught in her throat, chocking in the tears that were falling from her large eyes. “They left me.”

Rey remembered the look that Luke had given her, the one he had given Ben Solo… “it didn’t scare me enough then”, he had said. Rey felt herself burn with anger against her teacher, her own parents, and against whoever did this to Sitari.

“I won’t leave you,” said Rey, squeezing her hand. “I’m going to take care of you.”

“And we’ll always be together,” asked Sitari.

Rey knew she shouldn’t say yes. Her future was so tenuous; a kind-of Jedi, and a kind-of rebellion leader, her fate was not her own, she belonged to so many people who were counting on her. But somehow, suddenly, none of that mattered. Something clicked in her, looking down at, she would abandon all of it, every last thing, if it meant keeping safe, if it meant not leaving this broken, lonely girl in front of her.

“Yes,” she said. “We will always be together.”

 Sitari smiled; a smile that didn’t quite seem to fit on her face.

Rey smiled in return before bending over Sitari and planting a maternal kiss on her forehead.

“You just call out to me if you need me,” said Rey. “I’ll be close.”

Sitari looked uneasily at the door, as if she was afraid that when Rey disappeared behind it, she wouldn’t come back.

“And I’ll come in and check on you throughout the night, okay?”

Sitari seemed somewhat sated with that promise and closed her eyes, settling into the blankets. Rey lingered for a few more seconds, assuring that Sitari was comfortable. She could feel girls emotions surging from her with little resistance, with more clarity then she had ever felt. While she had gotten better at using the Force to listen and to feel the living things around her, she had to concentrate, to block out everything else and focus on just one. But Sitari seemed to be a beacon, louder and stronger than anything else around her, drawing Rey towards her.  But even without that connection, Rey could feel the strength of the force pooling around the little girl, it was almost overwhelming, and Rey wondered how the little girl was able to manage it with such an apparent ease. 

Rey laughed thoughtfully as she made her way out, wondering how she would manage to be a teacher to Sitari, when she herself was deeply struggling with her own clouded connection the Force. She could barely sit and meditate for more than any hour. She had the feeling though that, good teacher or not, Sitari was glad to have her.

And for the first time in a long time, Rey didn’t feel quite so alone.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

After checking on Chewie, Rey decided she would try to sleep for a couple of hours. She knew when she got back to the base she would be bombarded with people, with needs and with questions, and due to her continually disrupted sleep, she did not have the energy for something like that. Rey cracked open the door to the crew’s quarters to find ’s still-sleeping form undisturbed. Satisfied, Rey opted to lay down on the co-pilot relief bed.

As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was surprised to find how easily her eyes slid shut. She tried to open them, her body immediately rebelling against sleep, but they seemed weighted shut, just as well. Her body slowly begun to relax and shut down, quickly followed by her mind.

******

“Skywalker, what are you still doing here?”

Kylo’s eyes flew open as that voice beckoned him from sleep. He stifled a yelp of surprise, realizing that he wasn’t in his bed, or his body for that matter.  But some part of him; his psyche, his soul, his Force signature, soared through the vast nothingness of space, enclosed by a darkness he had never seen in the galaxy. It seemed as if every star and every planet had been extinguished.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…and I’m not a Skywalker.” He could hear his voice, breaking through the thick darkness, but it didn’t sound like it was coming from him, it was echoing throughout the whole galaxy, coming from any and all directions.

“Is that so? Not a Sywalker? That’s biologically incorrect.”

Wonderful, he grumbled inwardly. Apparently this Force guide or whatever the hell it was, aside from being a colossal pain in the ass, was also a smart ass.

*************

Rey found herself in a strange place, a new place. One that she had never been to and one she had never dreamed about. She had seen Takodana and thought there was nowhere so green in the galaxy, now she knew how wrong she had been. This place was thick with life and vibrant color. She looked around in amazement at the jungle that surrounded her, it was lush, filled to the brim with greens and purples and oranges and reds, and even colors she didn’t even know existed.

And the place was pulsing and thrumming with the Force, she could feel it surging beneath her feet, through the rich and fertile dirt. She could feel it in the muggy, wet air around her. She could hear it in the movement of the towering trees, the thick vines, the trembling bushes and the decadent flowers. It was a feast for her eyes, and the power of the Force that flowed there was filling her up. It was like getting a first good gulp of air after weeks of trying to catch her breathe.

It was intoxicating.

“Rey…”

She whipped around, that voice. She had heard that voice before. On Jakku? A voice promising that they would come back, a voice long forgotten from which she had sought comfort during the long, lonely nights on Jakku. Or had she dreamed it? She couldn’t remember. She made her way through the thick underbrush, the life on the planet felt dense and heavy, like she had to physically push through it. 

“Rey…”

“I’m coming,” she called out. “I’m coming…just don’t leave…”

Rey finally broke through into a small clearing and found herself standing in front of a water fall, tumbling beautifully into a shockingly clear and calm pool. The water from the falls tumbled into it, creating a sheen of mist that hung over the water.

The voice was calling from somewhere in the water.

*******

“I’m dreaming…” said Kylo, or maybe he thought it? It didn’t seem to matter though.

“Of course you are,” returned the voice. “It seemed the only way to get your attention for more than a minute. Although, we barely have a minute to spare, and you’re still playing Supreme Leader of a galaxy that’s all but lost.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” spat Kylo angrily, he wanted to gesture angrily, only to be reminded again that his body was somewhere else.

“Well you better hurry and figure it out,” the other voice chided. “It’s already begun, and it goes well beyond this ever-turning wheel of shifting power you lot all seem stuck in.”

****************

Rey knelt beside the lake, her throat suddenly dry. She reached down and gently touched the surface, it was impossibly cold.  She looked around, as if looking for some sign that it was okay to drink.

She paused and leaned over the edge of the lake. Her reflection was staring back at her. It was her no doubt, but she looked different in some way; something in the eyes and the smile that didn’t look quite like her.

She swallowed and reached a cupped hand into the lake.

“Drink Rey,” called a voice. “Drink and we will be together forever.”

**************

“What has? What has started? Perhaps I could act if you stopped being so kriffing cryptic, as far as I know that’s never worked for anyone in the Skywalker bloodline.”

“So now you’re a Skywalker?”

Kylo let out a frustrated sigh. But the voice continued. He knew he shouldn’t be able to hear out here, in the middle of space, but none of this was making sense to him.

“ You don’t have any time to waste…”

“Yes you’ve said that.”

“She’s already found her. She’s inside of her, so she can’t hear us, but you can… you still can, Skywalker.”

“Who?”

“You better figure it out soon…You have to finish what the Skywalker’s have started.”

“Just tell me,” he demanded angrily.

**********************

Rey drank hurriedly from the water in the palm of her hands, and then dipped her hands in again for more. She felt…strong…alive….like the planet that surrounded her. She could feel every unique Force signature vibrating on the planet, and not just on the planet but lightyears away.

Her vision suddenly sharpened and suddenly that tension, that Force that connected everything, was no longer theory, but something solid and tangible in front of her. She could see it moving, bending and weaving through the planet around her, and inside her own being.

********

And suddenly, like a bolt of lightning down his spine, a realization that he couldn’t quite make sense of, but a realization all the same…something was happening, something was shifting, he could feel the ripples of it touching the tips of his fingers, but he couldn’t quite close his fist around it.

He looked out, with whatever eyes he had in this dreamlike state, and suddenly found he was not alone, instead looming before him was a giant structure emerging slowly from the darkness. It had not been there before, rather it was being born before his eyes, until the huge structure was materialized fully in front of him, hanging eerily in the middle of the vast space.

He wanted to move forward, and closer; compelled by something outside of him, like a wave pressing against his back, forcing him forward toward the structure that seemed solid and yet not. The closer he moved, the bigger it grew before him. He could feel the Force pulsing through him in an uninhibited way he had yet been able to access. The closer he got, the stronger the current grew.

*********

Then Rey heard it; an inhuman, piercing, pain-filled shriek that sent her rolling on the grass beside the lake.

It was her own scream, it was coming from her. She felt as though her mortal mind was cracking beneath an infinite weight of something it was never designed to carry.

“Don’t fight it Rey…”

She wanted to scream out that it hurt, but she couldn’t make her voice work. It was like something molten and hot was welding itself to her brain.

“…We’ll never be alone again…”

******

 

The screaming was so loud, Kylo felt his body vibrate. He wanted to reach up and cover his ears, but he couldn’t seem to find his hands, or else, he didn’t have any in the state he currently possessed. He did not know a sound could create physical pain inside him, but he felt as though his bones were vibrating so hard they could come apart at any moment.

******

Rey knew she was about to either die or pass out from the pain that racked her writhing body, when suddenly, with disturbing abruptness, the pain disappeared. And, just as quickly, she felt something, long and strong wrap around her ankles. She tried to recover long enough to turn onto her belly and grab hold of the dirt, the grass… anything. Instead she found both her wrists were trapped in the same long iridescent coils. She tried to yank away, but even at full strength she wouldn’t have been able to. The grip was tight, desperate even as she felt herself being dragged to the edge of the lake.

_What was happening?_

Panic gripped her as a final mighty yank brought her crashing into the lake, which was no longer clear, but seemed to be filling with a thick, angry cloud of blackness. She tried to scream, and water immediately poured into her mouth and down her throat, another tentacle wrapped around her neck and yanked her deeper into the abyss.

“You’ll never leave me,” crooned a voice, somehow clear despite being under water. Rey kicked and thrashed but tentacles continued to sprout from the darkness and wrap around her body. She gave one more frantic effort to free herself. She thrust up violently, the pull of the tentacles spinning her around.

She let out one final scream, filling her lungs with water, she was sure she would drown. But she welcomed the enveloping darkness, even if it meant the last thing she saw before she died was the most terrifying grin, lined with glistening fangs, and the deepest, darkest, emptiest, most malicious eyes she had ever seen.

********

The screaming, the fear, the danger, it wouldn’t abate, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. The scream was still deafening, but worse was the constricting in his heart, the overwhelming sense of fight or flight, with nowhere to run. He thrashed in the darkness of space, no longer hearing the voice that had led him here. He needed to get out. Panic beset him, and somehow, he felt certain he was going to die here.

Then, suddenly, Kylo was flung forward, his body flailing for something to grab hold of in the space around him, and then with a loud crash he felt his body hit the hard, metal floor of his quarters, the blankets still tangled around him.

*****************

 

Rey shot up in bed, hacking and coughing, attempting to expel the water that had filled her lungs.  Then she let out a small scream, and leapt out of bed, scrambling for her staff. It was empty, now, but she was certain more then certain that someone had been there, someone had been standing over her bed, looking over her sleeping form, a wide, malicious grin. She could see it, burning through her closed lids. But now, she was very much alone.

Alone and terrified. She sunk to the floor, her hands racked through her hair

She felt as though some part of her mind, that had felt such order and sense in the Force, had been given away to something else, a darkness that was thick, and choking.

Something that transcended all of it; even the Force. Something ancient and evil, something that was simultaneously feeding on her growing rage and loneliness and in turn creating more. And she had no one, no teacher, nothing helpful in those ancient, useless Jedi texts. No one…

Her heart was pounding in her chest, and her whole body was shaking; with energy, with fear, with tension, with anxiety, she felt as though she was built completely of stripped and exposed nerves.

Rey hurried out of bed and ran to the fresher, barely making it in time to vomit into the sink. She let out a shaking breath and splashed some water onto her face.  Slowly, she looked up at her reflection in the fresher mirror, and sharp, dry sob racked her body. She didn’t recognize herself, for some reason, until now, she hadn’t noticed how changed she was, how much the past three weeks have worn on her. Her hair was thin and frayed, all sheen long gone. Her face was thinner than it ever had been on Jakku, sharp and severe; her eyes were dull and blood shot, sunken deeply into her face and anchored by the dark shadows that had formed under them.

“Rey…”

She inhaled raggedly. She didn’t want to look at him. She wouldn’t have been able to hide the fear in her eyes from a stranger, let alone this person who, inexplicably, knew her more deeply than anyone else. Her hackles were raised though, she felt nothing but deep suspicion for the person she was now sharing yet another intimate moment with.

 “Did you… did you feel it…” she asked, her voice was hoarse, and harsh, it didn’t sound like her.

“Anyone with any sensitivity to the Force should’ve felt that,” he said. She wanted to turn to look at him. His voice was soft, and low. He hadn’t spoken that way to her since the throne room, since he had begged her, with so much urgency and that flicker of hope, for her to join him.  “Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

“Why,” she spat, immediately dragged back into suspicion. She wanted to reach out, and sadly, Ben may well be her best option, but all the same she felt herself raging against him, so much of her felt out of control, and she knew, deep in her bones, that she couldn’t trust him. “So, you can exploit whatever may be wrong with me? The same way Snoke exploited my naivete?”

He didn’t even flinch, at that, but remained calm and stoic as ever. It was infuriating.  The same calm and unfazed look he had given her in return for calling him a snake, only this time it egged her on.

“Well sorry Supreme Leader,” she continued. “But I am fine.”

He smirked at her, but not cruelly.

“Yes, so it seems.”

She whipped around and stalked over to him, her teeth bared and hands clenched into fists.

“Leave,” she said. “Leave now.” She could feel the hot angry tears prickling behind her eyes.

“Rey…” he said, holding out his hand. “Come here.”

“No,” she growled. “I am not going to be tricked by you again.”

“Do you really believe I was trying to trick you, Rey?”

“You tried to kill me,” she all but yelled at him. “Your mother…my friends…if you cared at…at…” She couldn’t make herself finish her sentence, she felt like a prize idiot even thinking about it.

“Come here,” he repeated again, reaching out his hand farther.

_“Don’t do it…”_ Rey heard the voice, loud and clear in her head. Was it one she had heard before? She couldn’t remember. She let out dark laugh, she was, indeed, going mad. _“Don’t do it Rey… he can’t be trusted_ …”

Then without thinking, Rey reached out and grasped his hand, startling herself, and him, with the desperation with which she clasped his wrist. Kylo responded by opening his own hand wrapping his fingers around her wrist.

“Just breathe,” he told her, pulling her closer. She fought him for a moment, preferring to stand two arm lengths away from him. But when she stepped closer she felt like just a little of the weight on her shoulders shifted, but she also felt a part of her screaming in angry protest.  And she had no idea which side to trust… if any.

 “Ben…”it came out haggard and exhausted, part shout and part whisper. “Ben something is happening to me, and I don’t know what it is.” She looked up at him pleading, and ashamed. Here she was, yet again, in one of her darkest moments, and she’s sharing it with the enemy. But right now, it was hard to care, right now she felt so much like a cornered animal that everyone felt like the enemy.

“I need help…” she didn’t even know she said it out loud until she felt his hand tighten around her wrist in response. She flinched against a wave of self-satisfaction she expected to come from Kylo, but it didn’t come. But she was ashamed all the same, ashamed at her own desperation and naivete. She had already been burned by the man in front of her, trusted him, only to be betrayed and ordered to be shot out of the sky. But somehow, once again, she found herself in a position where she was certain that the only one who would understand was Kylo Ren.

Luke was right. She went straight for the dark.

“Tell me,” he instructed.

She felt another stab of angry bitterness, but she didn’t have the energy to lash out. Who knew walking around a bundle of rage was so exhausting? She had no idea how Kylo was able to do it.

“…You woke me up,” he said. “If you’re nightmares are going to invade my sleep, I’d like to help you get them under control.”

Despite herself, she smiled.

“I…I don’t know,” she finally said, her jaw clenching and unclenching. “I have no idea, none whatsoever because these damned books have nothing helpful, and I had three whole damn days of training, and now I am completely alone.” She breathed in and looked down at his hand clasping her wrist, his long fingers easily encompassed her wrist. She wondered if he could feel her pulse raising beneath his fingers. “I don’t know what it is Ben, but…but something is wrong. Something is wrong inside me.”

Rey looked down and held a shaking hand up to her chest. “Ever since…ever since the cave, I’ve felt it, and it’s only gotten worse.” Except for in the Throne Room, she thought to herself. In the throne room, her focus, her awareness, was sharper than it had ever been. “It’s like I’m trying to grow, to move forward, to learn, and I’m caught in a web. Something is trapping me here.”  She looked up at him, her eyes naked and vulnerable, grasping at this last chance she may have before going completely insane. “I don’t know what this is.”

Kylo tentatively ran a thumb over her knuckles.

“Let me see,” he said.

Rey nodded weakly, her head drooped and her whole body wilted. She knew this was idiotic, but he was looking at her so intently, just as he had done that night after the cave; all rapt attention and interest, looking at her as if there is nothing else he would rather be hearing about. She recognized, this time, she couldn’t trust that he wasn’t acting from ulterior motives and exposing her weakness to him was not wise in the least. He knew so much more then her about the Force, and if this was a weakness that could be exploited, she wasn’t certain that he wouldn’t do just that.

But when the pain and fear is great enough, logic is easily flung aside in a desperate grasp for something…anything that will help.

Ben closed his eyes and reached out to her, mingling his mind with hers.  She could feel him trying to calm the storm he could feel raging in her from across the galaxy. She felt his hand run over the raw parts of her psyche that she gave him access too, though he sensed that was just the tip of the iceberg.  But as he gently combed through the outer surface of her emotions, he suddenly came to an abrupt spot.

 “Rey,” he said, his voice filled with measure and control, so much so one could hear the strain in it. “What…”

He was trying to remain calm and collected, but Rey could feel the fear coming off of him, and she jerked away.

“What…what is it…” she looked at him frantic. “Ben what did you see?”

“I…I don’t know,” he answered. She wanted to yell at him, to accuse him of hiding something from her; but she knew he wasn’t, and that was even scarier. “Rey, is…somethings getting in the way of me, not letting me look, are you...are you alone? Because it felt like…”

“Rey…” Rey abruptly turned and toward the tired voice that called out to her in the darkness of the Falcon. Kylo’s brow furrowed and he looked past Rey.

“Whose there Rey,” he asked, a particular tone of warning in his voice.

Rey ignored him and hurried over to Sitari.

“Sitari, how long have you been there,” she asked, wrapping the little girl in her arms and easily picking her up.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said, her voice tiny and tired. “I had a nightmare.”

Rey held her tight and ran a hand lovingly through her hair.

“Oh no,” Rey cooed. “It’s okay. I’m here now.”

“Rey…” Kylo said, his voice slow and suspicious, as he looked at the little girl Rey held so lovingly in her arms.

“Not now, Kylo” she said harshly, walking in small circles and bobbing Sitari up and down in her arms. That took him aback, it had gone from Ben to Kylo in a manner of seconds.

“Who are you talking to,” asked Sitari. “Is someone there?”

She asked the question but Kylo could see her eyes, fixed unblinking on him.

“Rey, who is…”

“No one is there,” interrupted Rey. “Don’t worry, Sitari I’m here.”

“Rey,” Kylo tried to speak again, this time his voice more urgent and pressing. “Rey I think we need…”

Then in one small, imperceptible to Rey but not by Kylo, Sitari lifted a hand to Kylo over Rey’s shoulder. She waved a tiny hand goodbye, and immediately the bond broke.

************

Kylo tried to call out one more time, a warning, or something to Rey, but it was too late. He was suddenly alone in his quarters again, a deep sense of foreboding in his heart, a lingering taste of darkness he couldn’t shake off.

Even though it’s buried deep within her, he could sense it, a dark, and angry longing, different from anything he had ever sensed in Rey. This reached well beyond her occasional dabble in the grey of the Force, this was something hungry and powerful, something that did not belong.  And whatever it was, it shoved him out of the Force bond and away from Rey.

What the hell is going on?

He wasn’t able to give much more thought before his comm started beeping, drawing him back to the more immediate, but, perhaps, less important realities that faced him outside the walls of his quarters. The message was curt but, apparently urgent, Hux demanded his presence at the main hangar bay.

Kylo angrily began to dress, thinking that it may be time for another Force choke in order to remind Hux who is in charge. An unknown, but perhaps not surprising truth about Kylo Ren, was that he was not unlike an infant in some ways. While he had learned to withstand a great deal of pain at the hands of Snoke, few things made him crankier then not getting enough food or sleep. And right now, he had to go deal with whatever theatrical scheme Hux had cooked up.

He stalked to the hangar, passing First Order workers, some of who scurried in the opposite direction, and some, sensing no way of escape, merely looked away, avoiding eye contact.

Hux greeted him in the hangar with a small smirk that immediately put Kylo on the defensive.

“Supreme Leader,” he said. “I wanted to inform you thanks to well-placed informants on the Outer Rim, we have the location General Organa.”

Kylo felt his body tense involuntarily.

“…And what of my orders to put our efforts into bringing those systems under First Order rule, cutting of the Resistance at the root, rather than seeking out the last dying pieces of fruit on the tree, General?” His voice squeezed out through clenched teeth.

“That’s the beauty of it sir,” said Hux, far too smug for Kylo’s liking. “It happened just as you predicted. Athiled is already under First Order rule, though unbeknownst to the General. Our allies there alerted us to her visit. We do not even have to invest a great deal of military power, I have ordered only a few highly trained stormtroopers to pay a visit to Athiled and take the General prisoner. Minimal effort for the high reward of a very public execution that will no doubt squash any lingering desire to support the Resistance. Without Leia’s political pull, they will be left completely unprotected and without resources.”

He was right. Of course, he was right. Who was left after Leia? Who would have any pull on any of the unallied planets? Dameron would be the closet things they had to an experienced leader, and he was a fighter not a politician.

There was nothing to argue with Hux on, and, for some reason, that sent a pang of panic down his spine. He _wanted_ the Resistance dead, of course he did. He would reign uncontested as the Supreme Leader of not just the First Order, but the galaxy.

…but what only he and Rey, and Snoke before he died, knew. That was still plan B.

His mother would die for the plan B he didn’t even want anymore, and something about that made him feel sick. And he still couldn’t shake the warning of that voice, that warning that, perhaps, none of this really mattered, because something else entirely was on its way, something that rendered the fight between the First Order and the Resistance as child’s play.

“Supreme Leader?”

Hux’s voice brought Kylo out of his ill-timed existential crisis.

“…Have you sent the troopers already?”

“Yes, of course, I sent them out immediately to assure that we arrived before the General got wind of the betrayal.”

“Did you not think this was something I would want to know about, General?”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” said Hux, inclining his head slightly. “I have only just now sent the troopers out, I am sure you wanted to accompany them for the apprehension then you will be able to catch up.”

“I shouldn’t have to scramble after my own fleet,” he said. “Next time be sure to include me in information regarding the First Order’s number one enemy.”

“Of course, Supreme Leader.”

Kylo breathed in deeply, trying to maintain his composure.

“Well done,” he said, though the words chocked him. “This is indeed a great victory for the First Order.”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader.”

Kylo couldn’t look at him another moment. He turned on his heel and stalked out of the bridge, calling out orders to prepare his shuttle.

*********

When Kylo was gone, Hux couldn’t keep his smirk hidden another moment. He turned and walked over to one of his officers.

“Sir,” said the officer tremulously. “I thought you said to send the troops out yesterday, they should be there by now, I did not know you…”

“Of course, they are there already,” said Hux, his tone imperious and proud. “Repeat my orders to hold off on any attack until the Supreme Leader has arrived.”

The officer looked up at him confused but nodded in affirmation.

Hux turned away from the officer, his hands folded tightly behind his back. He felt all but giddy. This is what it all had been building toward, the death of his father, the death of Snoke, and soon the death of Kylo Ren. All of his work, his groveling and his sacrifice, it would all soon be worth it, with complete power only a few strategic moves away. Soon he would have his proof, his suspicions would be confirmed and he would have the tools that he needed to seize the First Order from the hands of a petulant child. Under his care it would become the most powerful hegemon to ever exist in the galaxy, all the glory of the Empire with none of its weak reliance on an ancient religion. The First Order needed a leader who could it usher it into the future, Kylo Ren was not that leader.

And he would pay dearly for it soon.


	7. Chapter 6

 

Chapter 6

 

It was all Poe could do to sit quietly while Leia addressed the representatives gathered in the capital building, only a handful did her the service of even bothering to show up, and then, adding insult to energy, they interrupted and contradicted at every step, as if they had any idea what was going on in the galaxy right now.

“…If you think that the First Order will allow you to remain neutral, then, frankly, you are deceiving yourselves. The First Order will not be satisfied until every star system in the galaxy lives in the shadow of their flag, and if their display against Hosnian Prime was not enough…”

“You wish to appeal to their destructive power as an argument as to why we should stand against them,” pressed one skeptical Lufut.

“The Resistance destroyed that weapon, on our own, against a military might vastly larger than our own, and we could do so much more if we had the support of…”

“Princess,” said Miskani, lifting one hand. Poe could see Leia’s jaw clench, no one who knew Leia called her princess, save C3PO, precisely because of that subtle jaw clench. “We understand your plight, and we are sympathetic, but as of now, we have no quarrel with the First Order. They have not come to our door and demanded our loyalty like you are doing.”

“I am not demanding anything,” said Leia. “I am warning you, that the First Order is only growing stronger, if they have not demanded your allegiance yet they will, and then you will be just as guilty as they are for future atrocities, such as the ones on Hosnian Prime. But if you support the Resistance now, if you aid us now, we may still have a chance to…”

“What? See all of our resources and our people lost against an unstoppable juggernaut?”

Poe’s hand clenched into fists, snarky comments dying prematurely in his throat.

“They are not unstoppable,” argued Leia, her voice firm. “Our Resistance is small but…”

“Your Resistance is non-existent,” shouted another.

“And whose fault is that,” snapped Poe, suddenly on his feet.

“Commander Dameron,” said Leia, her voice steady. “Please have a seat.”

“…Because you all ignored us, ignored our calls for help, while pretending to have anything resembling loyalty to Leia and to the Resistance.”

“Dameron…”

“…And now you finally have the chance to prove that your word isn’t worthless, to make up for the fact that you left us to die on Crait.” He was certain he heard Leia bark out another warning, but at this point he was committed. “And to prove that you want more for your children then to be kissing the First Order’s ass for the rest of their lives.”

“Silence,” roared Miskani, standing up from his seat.

“I was done anyway,” muttered Poe, slinking back into his seat.

Miskani sat back down d rested his head in his hand wearily.  Poe looked at Leia half expecting her to drag him out of the room by his ear. To his surprise, she gave him an exasperated sigh before turning back to her audience.

“While Commander Dameron’s impassioned speech may have lacked tact, the truth of what he said cannot be argued,” she said, holding up a hand. “One day you will have to give an account for the First Order, just as the Republic had to give account for the rise of the Empire.  I know it seems hopeless, but it did then too, the Rebellion was small but it still toppled Palpatine at the height of his power.”

“You had a lot of luck and a Jedi then.”

“Yes,” said Leia, with a nod and a sly smile. “And what was it, do you think, that got us off of Crait alive if not a little luck and Jedi?”

Poe let out an exhale of laughter, but was careful not to draw any more attention to himself

“I am sorry Leia,” said Miskani. “We cannot risk helping you, as a noble as your cause is, I must think about my people. I know what helping you now will do, I don’t know what remaining neutral will do.”

Poe felt his heart sink. They had failed…again.

Leia nodded. “Very well, thank you for lending us your time, we will take no more of it.” Leia turned and moved to leave the room. Poe stood to follow her out of the room, when suddenly Miskani called out.

“Princess Leia…”

Poe felt a thrill of hope as Leia stopped and turned. Perhaps they hadn’t failed.

“While we cannot officially support you, and I am unwilling to give you any of our people, I do have some weapons we can donate to the Resistance.”

Poe sighed. What good were weapons if they didn’t have anyone to use them?

“That would be very gracious of you, Miskani. And the Resistance would thank you for it.”

“It will take us a little bit of time to determine what resources we can part with and then to get it all gathered, but if you are willing to wait for one more night, we can, perhaps send you off with this gift, and without a permanent rupture to our friendship?”

“Of course,” said Leia. “And the offer stand Miskani, should you all begin to see the truth of who the First Order is, know that I am your friend and we will be waiting.”

Miskani held her gaze for a moment, neither looking away, as if having a conversation that Poe was left out on. 

“We will alert you when the weapons are ready,” said Miskani.

Leia nodded and turned once again to walk out of the room, followed closely by Poe.

When the two were back at Leia’s quarters and out of earshot, Poe braced himself for a slap, or a reprimand, or another demotion, but none of those came, instead Leia looked at him, with a weary smile and shake of the head.

“I was hoping this mission would drive home the lesson of diplomacy and tact.”

Poe shrugged sheepishly.

“And I was hoping you would pick someone else for these lessons.”

Leia let out a laugh. “Are you kidding, Dameron? Even as a child, you pouted any time I gave my own son attention I didn’t give you.”

He shrugged in acceptance of her point and flopped unceremoniously onto a couch.

“I don’t see how you do this, General,” he muttered, resting his head in his hands, briefly revealing the weariness in his body. “I’ve done it four times, and I have all but given up hope that people will ever do the right thing.”

Leia let out a sympathetic laugh and sat down beside him on the sofa.

“Oh Poe,” she said. “The more you do this you’ll build empathy and understanding, and even a thicker hide for the stupidity that can exist in the universe.”

He gave a snort of derision. “The more I do this? I’m ready to retire.”

Leia loving squeezed the young pilots hand, and looked at him with sad, tender eyes. There was so much she wanted to say to him, so much she wanted to pass on, so much she wanted to teach him.  And, somehow, lately, she had the sinking suspicion that there wasn’t a lot of time left.

“Poe,” she said. “I won’t be here forever.”

Poe looked at her, blinking and confused.

“Uh…sure…”

“I’m old Poe, and I have given my whole life, everything I am to politics, to the people. I have sacrificed everything, and I want to know that it’s going to be left in the hands of someone who can not only fight for it, but nurture it and grow it when the fighting is over.”

“Leia what…”

“Poe,” she said. “You are so much more than just blowing things up. You’re a good leader, and more important than that, you’re a good man.”

Poe swallowed hard and looked down. He wasn’t good at this kind of thing, and the thousand yard stare that Leia was leveling him with was making him squirm in his chair. She had been giving him more talks like this lately, and he continually brushed them off. It seemed so theoretical, so far in the future that he needn’t concern himself with it. There was a small part of him that assumed he’d be dead before all of this was sorted out, and if he was alive, if they did arise from everything victorious, he would become one of those pilots who would train new pilots, captivating them stories about the war, all the while praying that he would die of old age before another one came about.

“Well this is charming…”

Poe felt his blood run cold, and he saw Leia’s eyes grow wide. In a flash Poe was up, the blaster at his side suddenly in his hand, poised. But Leia was up just as quick, standing in the path of the blaster.

She turned slowly toward the voice; her eyes trembling with fear, regret, sadness, worry, and, above all, love.

“Ben…”

******

It didn’t take long for Kylo to find her. Even as a boy, he could read his mother like a book. He was drawn to her Force signature like a moth to a flame; before Snoke’s hooks sunk deeper into him, he had been able to read every emotion from her. And even after their connection became strained and obscure, he didn’t have to reach out to far to find her.

If what Hux said was true, that the First Order already had the loyalty of this planet, he should in theory be able to walk right in, but he had been lucky enough to get there before the troopers, and he couldn’t afford to compromise his position.

But he wondered if that spaceship hadn’t already sailed. He recognized the idiocy of this every step of the way. He had a conniving second in command, a disembodied voice that spoke to him in the middle of meetings and disrupting sleep, and a kind-of-Jedi that he was irreversibly connected to. And now he was scampering across the galaxy to warn an estranged mother that he had failed to kill on numerous occasions.

All of this left him with the question of how much longer could he afford to pretend that he was Supreme Leader to the First Order? But even with that conflict, as soon as he was able to locate his mother, to scale the short wall that led to the balcony in the room she was in, upon seeing Leia holding the hand of the Resistance Pilot with an ease of affection she never had for him, he immediately knew that while he had no desire to see his mother die, he had no desire to spend more time with her then he had too.

And he couldn’t resist a biting comment leveled at the General and her protégé. But as soon as she heard his voice, he felt that familiar tug; and somehow, it felt different, less obscured without the voice of Snoke living in his head, there was a mixture of emotions from fear to anger, but there was love, a deep, persistent, almost surprising love. He immediately struggled to throw up his walls.  This wasn’t going to be a touching, family moment. This was a quick warning, and he would be gone… somehow plotting to destroy the Resistance while simultaneously undermining plans to bring down the First Order’s number one enemy.

It was dizzying to say the least.

“…Ben…”

The name fell from her lips, trembling and conflicted. Poe however had no such conflict. He pushed Leia aside, his blaster pointed at him.

“Calm down, Dameron,” he said, taking long strides from the balcony to Leia. “Remember what happened last time you pulled a blaster on me.”

With satisfaction, he could feel the surge of anger coming from Dameron. He saw Leia stiffen slightly, moving from mother to General, she was always good at that.

“Well…” she said softly. “You’ve found us, now what.”

“You should pick your friends more carefully mother,” he said, his tone acerbic. “They alerted the First Order as soon as your ship touched ground.”

“Dammit,” growled Dameron. “I knew it.”

Kylo drew in a sharp breathe and looked around.

“If you leave now, right now,” he said, his voice stern. “You can get out before the troopers arrive.”

Dameron’s eyes narrowed, and Leia looked at him skeptically. He let out an exasperated sigh.

Fine, he thought. Just die then.

“You’re kidding,” said Dameron. “You’re the kriffing Supreme Leader of the First Order, do you really think…”

“I think nothing of you Dameron,” he snarled. “The stupidity that is rife in the Resistance is incomprehensible to me, yet here I am, telling you to leave, right now, or soon you’ll be taken prisoner.”

He paced over to the door, and opened it, looking down the hall, it was empty.

“Do you know where your ship is? Can you get to the hangar?”

Leia didn’t respond her eyes were locked on Ben. She couldn’t quite manage any words. She hadn’t seen Ben as an adult, she hadn’t seen him since she sent him off with Luke. And here he was, all trembling rage and anger, the same thick hair she had brushed as a child, the same long face and deep, soulful, sad eyes.

“Ben...”

“Don’t call me that,” he spat. “I am not here to delve into the last fifteen years. I am here to give you fair warning that you’re lives are in danger and you need to leave now.” He stood in the open door and hurried her over. “Now, granted, I was left out of the decision-making here, so it may very well be too late.”

“Why would you help us,” asked Leia, voice filled with ambivalence, but still moving toward him slowly, despite Poe trying to hold her back.

“I don’t have a good answer for that right now, General,” he said. “At least not one good enough to convince you that you can trust me, but obviously I could have subdued you both by now if that was what I came here for.”

He couldn’t help but throw a smug look Dameron’s way, before stepping out into the hallway outside of the room. Leia and Dameron followed him, at first tentatively but then with increased confidence. He could feel the conflict from both, neither certain what the appropriate reaction was.

Hell, he didn’t even know the appropriate reaction.

“Ben…”

“Kylo Ren will do,” he said, but not as snappy as he would have liked. “And we don’t have time right now, you two have to get to your ship before…”

Before he could finish his sentence, the door was forcefully swung open and 15 troopers turned the corner, blaster rifle’s raised, forming a quick perimeter around the group.

Dammit, thought Kylo, his fingers tensing, ready to snatch his lightsaber if necessary.

“Let me pass,” he commanded. “I have the prisoners and will be taking them back to the First Order flagship.”

“Kylo Ren,” came the shaking voice of one of the troopers, clearly not prepared for the task with which he had been assigned. “…Surrender your light saber. You are under arrest for conspiring against the First Order.”

Kylo saw Poe’s eyes open in surprise, and Leia’s in what could only be described as overwhelming hope and relief, despite the situation. Kylo couldn’t help but internally roll his eyes.

Idiots.

Kylo turned and faced the stormtroopers.

“I am Supreme Leader of the First Order, you do not…”

“You are a traitor,” said the leader of the troop, apparently feeling particularly bold today. “You have been caught trying to aid in the escape of First Order enemies, and you are no longer fit to hold the title Supreme Lea…”

The trooper hit the ground before he could finish the statement, Kylo’s light saber crackling angrily.  His stance shifted, wide and menacing, taking up most of the hallway. He didn’t need to tell Dameron what to do, the two were fleeing the opposite direction, in search of another way to their ship.

He thought, maybe over the sound of sudden blaster fire ricocheting off the surface of his lightsaber, against the walls of the wide hallway, and whizzing past his head, he could hear his mother call out to him, but he didn’t stop to find out. Several troopers managed to pass him, in pursuit of the fleeing Resistance criminals, leaving Kylo with seven troopers. It was not a particularly hard task, they were well-trained, but cogs in an easily predictable machine. The first two were taken out from returned blaster fire, almost lazily lobbed back toward them, three more were easily lanced through with his saber, and another was maneuvered into the unfortunate job of human shield taking blaster fire directly from a comrade in arms.

He did feel the dull pain of blaster fire grazing his arm, but nothing severe enough to require his immediate attention. The final stormtrooper in the room stood, quacking in his armor, his extended blaster shaking.  And in an odd moment, Kylo imagined that it was the troopers first assignment, surely not for something so important, but he still seemed to be shacking as though he had never held a blaster before.  And for some reason, some reason Kylo couldn’t put his tongue on, he couldn’t imagine kill the trooper.

Dammit. Snoke was right. Compassion was a disease. First the Scavenger, then his mother, and now a kriffing stormtrooper. He was going to kill Rey if he ever saw her again.

“You have a decision to make,” he said, his voice low, his grip tightening around the hilt of his saber. “You can be the one who goes down fighting the traitorous Kylo Ren or…”

He doesn’t even have a chance to finish, the trooper drops his gun and backs away, hands raised.

“Are there more of you?”

The trooper nods.

“How many?”

“The place is surrounded…”

It made since, Kylo knew Hux wouldn’t leave his big power play to chance

“And Hux sent you?”

“Yes…” the trooper nodded vigorously, his voice frantic, desperate for any words that would spare him from Kylo Ren.  Kylo regarded him for a moment, second-guessing his compassion but not quite able to override it.

“Go…” he growled through gritted teeth. The trooper immediately complied running away from him.

Kylo sheathed his saber and turned the direction they had come. Well, whatever it was that was going on, was out of the bag. That Supreme Leader Kylo Ren was…what… a defector? No. A resistance turncoat? Absolutely not. Dissatisfied with his position as Supreme Leader? Perhaps. A giant momma’s boy? No…?

Kylo sighed and took off in the direction that Poe and Leia had run. If he was going to go down in the middle of all this he would make sure that it wasn’t for nothing.

*******

Poe peaked his head into the hangar where their shuttle sat, useless and surrounded by troopers.

“Damn,” he muttered, sliding back into the hallway beside Leia. “No luck. We may have to just find a way out of here and then…commandeer a shuttle from another source.”

Leia nodded, following him as they went back down the empty, echoing halls.

“…Ummm… you’ll notice,” said Poe. “That I have yet to say that I told you so.”

Leia scoffed.

“Very big of you.”

“I know. I thought so, must be all that growth you were talking about.”

She let out a good-humored chuckle, somehow, despite the position they were in, trying to find their way out of the clutches of friends who betrayed them and First Order lackeys. Plus contending with the fact that somehow, the Supreme Leader Formerly-Know-As Ben Solo, was somewhere in the capital building with sudden feelings of sonly attachment.

There was a lot going on.

They weaved in and out rooms and hallways, trying to navigate the unfamiliar layout of the building, they weren’t quite running for fear of turning a corner too fast and finding themselves face to face with the First Order troops.

“Sooo…” said Poe.

“Not now Poe,” said Leia.

“Right sorry…”

Another brief moment of silence fell over them, but it didn’t last long.

“…Come on Leia, the most awkward family reunion in history just happened and we are supposed to just ignore it.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what we…”

“He’s weird…”

“Poe…”

“REALLY weird,” he said, stressing the really. “But he grew into his awkwardness nicely.”

“Commander Dameron…”

Usually the equivalent of middle-naming him was enough to get him to cease, but he couldn’t quite help himself.

“...you wouldn’t have been able to tell from the weird, looking kid he was. A surprise to be sure…but a welcome one.”

The next scolding remark from her died on her lips when they caught sight of door that opened into a courtyard, light spilling into the poorly lit hallway.

“Finally,” muttered Poe, picking up speed slightly. “Now we just need to find…”

He didn’t even have a chance to finish his sentence before a battalion of troopers surrounded them, at the apex of the arch of troopers, was General Hux, all smug satisfaction and trembling anticipation.

“General Organa,” he greeted, a sneer on his lips. “And Commander Dameron…” he turned his gaze on the pilot, a burning antipathy in his eyes. “Can you hear me now?”

Dameron’s eyes scanned the perimeter, the sky, the door behind them now block by First Order troops, before his eyes fell on Hux, unable to completely hide the smirk.

“Loud and clear, Hugs.”

Hux’s eye twitched angrily, he flicked his wrist and two troopers approached grabbing both Leia and Poe from behind, forcing them to the ground.

“Drop your weapon,” ordered Hux. “Or we’ll blow your head off.”

“’Or’, huh,” asked Poe. “Is there any scenario in the foreseeable future in which my head remains attached to my shoulders?’

“Well literally yes,” said Hux. “Figurately no.”

Poe shrugged and put the blaster on the grass beside him.  Hux stepped closer, his chest puffed out proudly.

“General Organa,” he said, regarding her contemptuously. “The legend herself, on her knees in front of me.”

“First time you’ve ever said that about a woman huh, Hugs,” she returned smoothly, her dignified tone making the crude remark even more hilarious.

Poe let out a bark of laughter and beamed toward Leia.

“Nothing but respect for my…ahhh ahhh.. General…” he finished despite the wrenching of his arm by the trooper behind him.

“You can laugh all you want, but I, General Hux of the First Order have managed what Emperor Palpatine, Supreme Leader Snoke, and a ridiculous commitment to that mystic faith could not. With just a few troopers, and strategy I have managed to rid myself not only of you, but your sniveling brat of a son.”

“Is that not a secret,” asked Poe. “For some reason I thought that was a big family secret?”

Leia shrugged looking at Poe, dismissing the man in front of her. “I don’t go around announcing it, but it’s not exactly a secret. I don’t want a repeat of my secrets coming back to bite me at an inopportune moment.”

“Understandable…”

Out of the corner of his eyes, Poe could see the face of Hux twitching with frustration. He liked to be the center, the star, and being ignored in front of his troops by people who clearly had no real fear of him, that was eating him alive.

If Poe was going to die here, he would die doing what he loved…tooling with the pasty general.

“Silence,” he commanded. “The two of you can put on all the shows you want, but it won’t change the fact that this time tomorrow, the whole galaxy will know of the death of the General, all chances of allies for your precious Resistance will dry up, and victory will be…”

His sentence is abruptly cut short. It happened in a moment, his eyes flickered up to the sky, his scream fills the air, and he leaped to the side, sprawling undignified on the ground, and as soon as his feet left the ground, a charred, smoking crater was in his place. Poe immediately took advantage of the confusion, jumping to his feet and head butting the trooper. He turns and forces the blaster rifle away, and turns it on the trooper, dropping him in an instant. His eyes briefly went up, catching sight of the familiar TIE-Silencer.

“Don’t lose the General,” screamed Hux, who retreated back behind a crumbling wall. “Call for reinforcements.’”

*****

They would be there soon, Leia knew. There were many more troopers lurking about, so they had to be quick. She recovered one of the rifles from one of the troopers that Ben had gunned down from his ship.

As the ship began to descend, a thrill of hope unlike anything Leia had felt in a long time went through her. It wasn’t a trick, or an accident. Ben was here, undermining his own power and position.

She had thought he was lost to her forever. The ramp fell open in front of them, just as more stormtroopers flooded the courtyard. She could hear Hux’s shrill voice screaming out orders from whatever corner he had found to hide himself.

Poe shoved her forward toward the shuttle as Ben stepped out, his lightsaber once again ignited.

“You can fly anything right,” called Ben over the chaos of blaster fire, pelting the side of his shuttle and the ground in front of him.  Poe stopped and looked at Ben and slowly nodded.

“Then get us out of here,” he ordered. Poe disappeared into the shuttle, Leia lingered.

“Go mother,” he yelled, the word slipping form his lips before he could stop it.

“Do not let them get away,” Hux’s voice echoed out as the wave of new troopers advanced on them.

“Just a few highly trained troopers my ass, Hux,” he muttered, expertly repelling the blaster fire back at the enemy. Leia made her way inside the shuttle, casting an eye back in time to see Ben’s leg buckle and then Ben fall to the ground. He turned and looked up at the ramp.

“Go,” he yelled again. “Tell Dameron we need to get the hell…”

Leia didn’t let him finish before she was sliding back down the ramp, her own blaster raised.

“Woman get back…”

“I am your mother, Ben,” she yelled, crouched next to him, trying to pull his slumped body further up onto the ramp, while shooting with the other. “You don’t tell me what to do…”

Her eyes widened slightly, and her mouth formed a small oh, as if surprised by what happened. Slowly she looked down, and saw the smoke emanating from the charred hole in her stomach.

*******

He stood at the edge of the ramp, ready to jump on when the shuttle started to lift.  Perhaps it was because he was so unbalanced at the moment, or the size of the numbers advancing, or perhaps it was because even a blind Kushiban finds a nut every now and again, but he is shot in the leg, the burning pain sending him crashing onto the ground, upper body on the ramp and lower body in the dirt. He raised his lightsaber, and propped himself up.

And then suddenly, she was beside him, trying, valiantly and foolishly to pull him up out of the line of fire, shooting down approaching troopers. It happened in a matter of seconds, though it felt longer.  One minute she was scolding him, in an almost comforting familiar way, the same way she would when he was young.

“When did you get so sassy, Ben?” She had asked him that at ten years old, by then good moments were becoming few and far between. But that was a good one, because despite the reproving question, there was a hint of laughter and pride in her eyes.

“Yeah,” Han had drawled. “No idea where he gets that?”

It was true. He had inherited many things from his father; his face, his moodiness, his petulance, but at the end of the day, there was not a single person who knew him who didn’t know that he was his mother’s child.

And then, there it was. And it seemed impossible, utterly impossible. Could it be? That a nobody trooper, with a nothing blaster rifle, happened upon the moment that the thousands of people before could not do. People had been trying to kill Leia since she was a baby. And no one had gotten close.

And Kylo, like a child, had believed the fantasy, even now as an adult as alienated from his mother as an adult can be, he had believed in the legend of Leia, more than he ever believed in the legend of Han or even Luke. He had, in some childish idiotic part of him, believed that she was unkillable.

Yet here she was, gasping for breath in his arms. He could hear Dameron yelling, calling out to them, the shuttle was ready to ascend but were they on it.  No…they weren’t. They were at the foot of the shuttle slumped undignified against the ramp, son and mother.

Kylo looked down at her, one arm still wrapped around his from trying to help him to his feet, the other limply holding the blaster.

“Dammit,” he said. “Dameron get your ass out…”

Kylo felt pressure on his cheek. It was her hand, every bit as small as it had ever been. He swallowed, unsure what to do, they had to get out of here, the troopers wouldn’t let them have a touching family moment. He could hear Dameron yelling and standing over them, now the only source of suppressing fire. That wouldn’t last long.

 He looked down at Leia, her eyes were beginning to glaze over, short chocking sounds were coming from the back of her throat. He leaned closer. He didn’t know he was crying until he saw the drops falling from his cheeks and onto her forehead.

“Come on mother,” he said, trying to pull her up. “We’ve got to…we’ve got to go…”

She smiled softly and shook her head. She closed her eyes and Kylo almost called out to her, but then he felt a wave crash into him. She wasn’t dead, she was showing him something. She had been strong with the Force, Luke had told her that, but she never bothered to develop it. But their connection had always been a strong one.

He let out a small chocking sound, a sob catching in his throat, as she let down every wall, every barrier, every disconnect and let him see.

Every feeling she had for Ben Solo. Every anxious night spent over his bed, checking for breath; every sleepless night with a screaming baby in her arms; every agonizing fear and desperate worry, when he started to walk, when he started to fly, and use the force; every best hope and good dream she carried for him, dreams of love, of family, of grandchildren with Ben’s ears. She flooded him with every tender thought, every hug, and every kiss, the ones she gave him and all the ones she longed to give him.

It was like a flood of light, a flood of all that he could have been, all that she believed he still could be.

It was her goodbye.

He felt the connection close, and the hand slip from his cheek. He opened his eyes, blurred with liquid. Leia had fallen back in his arms, eyes closed, face peaceful.

Had he shown her, had he shown her anything? Could she see the truth, the truth that he…he felt for her?

“BEN,” this time it wasn’t Leia screaming his name, it was Dameron, his voice frantic and tearful as he pulled Leia’s from him and up the ramp.

Good he thought, the First Order wouldn’t have her body.

“Come on Ben,” called Dameron. “We have to go now…”  Ben felt another bolt hit his shoulder, bringing him out of his reverie. He looked up at Dameron who was in the shuttle.

“Get her out of here,” he yelled, weakly standing to his feet. There were still more troopers to be dealt with.

“Ben come…” Kylo flicked his wrist and the ramp started to close, he turned and continued to repel the blaster fire from his slumped stance. His leg protested as he shifted weight, and his arm screamed at him with every bolt that hit the laser, sending shockwaves down his weakened arm. He could hear the shuttle lifting behind him.

Good. He hated Dameron, but Dameron loved Leia. He didn’t have to probe his mind to know that, even though he had. He would get her home. He would get her to the Resistance safe, they were her family after all. They had earned that right, and he had tossed it aside like it was nothing.

He would make his last stand here, and perhaps in this moment, become just a little bit of the man Leia had showed him.

 


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Rey felt it while she was meditating.  She had gotten used to the distracting tug that just came with her meditation as of late, but usually it was a dull, unidentifiable buzz. This time it was different, it was a sinking despair at first, cold and dark at the pit of her stomach, then a stinging pain on her skin, and then a deep, terribly sadness.

She abruptly opened her eyes, pulling herself out of her meditation.  Sitari was sitting across from her, her legs crossed in a way that mimicked Rey’s position.

“Rey?”

“Uh…Yes…”

“Are you all right?”

“I just… I fell something…something is wrong with…”

Sitari shook her head and scooted closer, holding out her hand. Rey felt the deep sense of foreboding fall away as she held out her own palm for Sitari.  Sitari smiled, that unnervingly big smile, and clasped Rey’s hand in hers.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Everything is okay, Rey. I’m right here.”

She was right. She was right here, everything was fine. Nothing else need distract her, because Sitari was here, safe and sound and looking at her like she was the sun.  Rey was ashamed to admit to herself that she liked that feeling, she liked that Sitari looked at her with complete trust, and without question, simultaneously needing her without being needy. Unlike everyone else in her life…all of them Finn, Leia, Poe, Ben…they all had so many needs and wanted so much from her. The thought entered her brain with a pain of guilt, but she squashed it down. Why should she feel guilty? She had saved their asses on Crait, after all. And they thanked her by sending her out, all alone, on another mission, not a few weeks after. They all wanted something from her, expected something of her. She was “a Jedi” so they all looked at her like she was some kind of kriffing hero, and then expected her to actually be one.  Sitari didn’t ask anything of her, except that she be with her…stay with her…never leave her…it wasn’t so hard.

Rey smiled at her and ran a thumb over her knuckles, suddenly feeling calmer.

“We should be getting to the base soon,” Rey said. “It’s a safe place…”

Was it, though? The thought invaded her consciousness, but she shook it off. Of course it was, surrounded by friends and weapons, not floating about in space without a single soul for lightyears.

“Okay,” said Sitari. “What if…what if they don’t like me?”

Rey scooted closer to Sitari and wrapped her arms around her thin shoulders.

“They are going to love you,” assured Rey, giving her a squeeze and resting her cheek atop Sitari’s head. “You don’t need to worry about that.”

She felt Sitari clutch her arm, her fingers digging in possessively. Rey could feel her anxiety and mounting insecurity.

“What if we get back to your friends, and then you forget all about me?”

“Oh Sitari,” said Rey, holding her even closer. “You don’t have to worry about that, ever.”

“Really?”

“Really. You’re my number one priority.”

This seemed to assuage the fear tumbling around in Sitari, but Rey could still feel the ever-present worry flowing just below the surface.  It would take a while to gain her trust, Rey knew this.  had been let down and traumatized, and she couldn’t afford to trust Rey completely. But Rey vowed she would do whatever it would take to show Sitari that she was safe.

******

“Have you heard from Poe yet?”

Finn looked up from transceiver he was bent over. It was his fifth trip to communications room, only to find that there was still nothing, not from Rey and not from Poe.

“No.  He said he’d check in after they met with Lufut’s, but still nothing.”

Rose looked at him, her eyes filled with love and kindness. Finn couldn’t even begin to describe what Rose had meant to him these past few weeks. His constant friend and his hero. She did the work of twenty, repairing old, broken machinery, teaching piloting basics while Poe was gone, and in her own, discreet way, always reminding him what they were fighting for.

Ever since Crait they hadn’t spoken about the kiss, rather a kind of quiet, understanding was created between them, one of love and mutual support. He had been worried it would need to be addressed, somewhat awkwardly, but then something happened that he couldn’t quite name.

He had been vigil at Rose’s bed side while she healed, and, through the worst of it, so was Poe; he was constantly checking in, making sure Finn was comfortable, bringing him books, food, pillows and blankets.

“That’s awful nice of him,” Rose had said, giving Finn a peculiar look that he couldn’t place.

“Yeah he’s a good guy,” Finn had said. “Cares a lot about the Resistance, and you.”

Rose had raised an eyebrow, somehow managing that look that somehow made him feel like a dummy but a loved dummy none the less.

“Uh huh,” she said slowly, her eyes going to where Poe was sleeping.  “Sure, he does this for ALL the wounded Resistance…”

Finn had been confused, but since then, their relationship shifted. Like he and Rose were seeing each other honestly and fully, there was more intimacy and trust, but the kiss never came up again.

“…Haven’t heard from Rey either…” he added, his voice sad and heavy.

Rose squeezed his hand, kneeling next to his chair.

“I’m sorry Finn,” she said. “I know this is so hard.”

“Is this how it felt for you, when…when your sister would…” his voice faltered, and he looked down, suddenly upset he had even brought it up. Why had he brought it up? To make himself feel better? Rose shifted slightly, so she was resting on her knees, an elbow leaned against the transceiver, resting her head against her fist.

“Sometimes,” she said. “I went out with my sister a lot, I would fly, and she would gun.” Her gaze faltered a bit and he could see her lip tremble. She talked a lot about Paige; sometimes she laughed and sometimes she cried, and sometimes she did both. “But yeah whenever she would go without me, it…it was hard. I wanted to be with her, because, even if something happened, I could know for sure that I did everything I could.” She looked back up at Finn, clutching the well-worm medallion. “Some days I imagine what would I have done had I been on the bomber with her. But, really that’s just ego…” she said, fortifying her voice and looking pointedly at Finn. “We were both where we were supposed to be.”

A short silence fell over them, as Rose sat with her still-present grief and Finn worried for his friends.

“I don’t know that they are okay,” said Rose, finally. “But I think they are.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know. In the absence of knowing, I think it’s best just to hope.”

She was right. He knew that. It’s what Leia would say too. Finn looked down at the thin black tablet in her hand.

“What are you reading?”

“Ummm…” she blushed slightly. “It’s uh…some stuff I’ve collected since we joined the Resistance…”

“What?”

“Most of its maps and holograms,” she said. “Some of it is weapon schematics from the Rebellion. But I also started collecting some of the senatorial records from before the Empire and the First Order took over.”

“Fascinating,” said Finn with a teasing smile. Rose shrugged sheepishly.

“I mean, there are probably people who would do a better job, but I figured, we should have some idea of how to move forward after we win,” she said. “Maybe third times is the charm if we…you know,” she said holding up the pad. “Learn from past mistakes. I know it’s kind of stupid, but I just don’t know if anyone else is thinking to…”

Finn’s smiled dropped, immediately feeling a pang of guilt for teasing her.

“No, Rose,” he said. “It’s not stupid. It’s brilliant actually. I don’t think anyone else is thinking that far ahead, and you’re right, we should be. If we rush into some half-assed repeat, it’s just going to happen the same way all over again. You’re brilliant.”

She shrugged.  “For a maintenance worker…” she said with a smile.

“See you’re already lightyears ahead of all of us because of that,” he said, turning his gaze back to the transceiver, still unchanged and unblinking.

“So true,” she said, standing up to relieve the pressure of the hard floor on her knees. She looked around the room, proud. The place had been a dump when they arrived, littered with broken relics, and salvaged machinery, all of which worked with relative dependency now… thanks to her. It truly was amazing. And while she wished she could fix this for Finn, she knew she couldn’t. All she could do was work her hardest, do what she could, to stay alive and keep her people alive.

…Force knows they needed it.

*****

Hux had been waiting for this moment for longer then he could say. And here it was. He stood, clothed in black, hands clasped diplomatically behind his back, the stance he had settled on an hour ago, while waiting for Ren to come back into consciousness. He had thought of pacing, of wielding a weapon, his arms crossed across his chest, but then he decided to go with his signature, no need to fix what wasn’t broken after all.

And this moment called for perfection. Ren was hanging from the ceiling in front of him, dangling like a worm on a hook, the perfect bait after all, enclosed with the Geonosian containment field, blocking Hux and his guards from any Force shenanigans.

He could hear Ren’s pained moans as he woke up. He pulled against the cuffs that encased his arm, all the way to his elbows. The struggle was weak though.

Still exhausted from your valiant last stand, are we Ren, Hux thought wickedly as his eyes flickered open.

“Good morning, Ren,” he greeted with a smile. “So good to have you with us.”

“Hux,” he growled, through is teeth. “You traitorous…”

“Traitorous,” he said with a laugh stepping closer to Ren, taking in the delightful sight of him dangling helplessly in front of him. “That’s a laugh coming from you, after what you pulled with the dearly departed Snoke.”

He could see Ren open his mouth to speak, but he cut him off with a finger to his lip. Ren jerked his head away violently, rage in his eyes.

“Let’s put the charade aside, Ren. Surely you know that I was not fooled by your flimsy excuse for what happened in the throne room. Come now Ren, Snoke, the guards and you? Please. As impressive as she may be, if your story was true, the Resistance would have won by now.” He paced a slow circle around Ren. “However, that was not my moment. Leaders are killed by their protégé’s regularly. Of course, we don’t give it our verbal approval, but there is a kind of tacit expectations of betrayal, is there not? So I had to wait for the appropriate moment for my coup, which you gave me…” he paused, faces inches from Ren. “And you gave it to me, didn’t you Ren?”

“Hux,” he growled.

“Supreme Leader will do.”

“Hux,” he repeated harshly, slowly… “Where…the hell… is my shirt…”

Hux felt a stab of anger. It wasn’t as though he expected Kylo Ren to cry, to beg, to bow, but he still, even know, didn’t regard him as a threat. Armitage Hux, now the Supreme Leader of the First Order, was a force to be reckoned with, and Kylo Ren still looked at him as though he were some kind of pathetic lackey.

It made his blood boil.

“…And now that your mother is dead,” said Hux, gleefully. “The Resistance is almost gone.”

“Then why don’t you give me back my shirt, kill me and get it over with so that I don’t have to listen to you monologue any more. Learn from your predecessors Hux, the Emperor, Snoke. It wasn’t the Force, or Luke, or the Resistance, or me, or the Jedi girl, that killed them…it was an ill-timed monologue.”

Hux let out a derisive snort.

“Don’t concern yourself with that, Ren,” he said. “Your time will come soon enough, as will the Scavenger’s.”

He stepped closer, his mouth tweaking into a smile.

“But you will serve the First Order one more time, Ren…” he leaned in, so his mouth was close to his ear. He could feel Ren’s body strain to kick, hit head butt anything but he couldn’t reach. “I know about the Bond, Ren. Snoke told me all about that, how he manipulated both of you, and I have a feeling that, our little Jedi, so filled with compassion, will not leave you hear to die.”

Kylo let out a laugh.

“If that is your move Hux I am even more ashamed that you got the better of me,” he said, spitting out blood that was pooling in his mouth.  “The Scavenger hates me, I betrayed her. She won’t…”

“Oh really? You think after Commander Dameron regales her with tails of your heroic exploits on Athiled, she will leave you to death and torture?”

“Yes,” said Ren, without skipping a beat. “She absolutely will.”

Hux tsked thoughtfully and shook his head.

“I don’t think so Ren. When she feels your suffering, your pain, your scream, she will come for you…she will come to save you, and then I will take her. If I can’t get a public execution for your mother, the last Jedi who betrayed and murdered Snoke, will be a fitting replacement. With her, the Jedi will die, and with that the galaxies dependence and belief in useless, ancient religion will too. And then I will be at the helm as we usher in a new Order…”

“Huuuuux,” he drawled. “You’re doing it again. You really must get that under control or no one will take you seriously as a Supreme Leader.”

Hux sneered.

Ren was right. He was done here. He had more important things to do then spend another moment with this traitor. He turned on his heel and stalked toward the door.

“Make sure to scream, Ren,” he instructed over his shoulder. “So loud that your little Jedi can’t help but hear it…no matter where she is.”

************

Poe could see the planet.

Home, at least for now.

Except he didn’t know how he could go back. How could he go back and tell the Resistance that their leader, their General, was…dead? He felt a sob choke him again and he doubled over against the control panel of the shuttle.

It was a gorgeous ship, beautifully built and flew like a dream; the type of ship he had always dreamed of getting to fly one day…one day when all of this was over and he had time to fly because he loved it, and not just to survive.

A future he used to be so sure of; a future that had, of late, seemed less and less clear, and now…all but impossible.

He needed to contact Finn, let them know that he and Leia were coming home. He knew how the ex-Stormtrooper worried about him. But he knew Finn would be able to tell, he wouldn’t be able to hide it from Finn, or even himself for much longer.

He hadn’t looked back once since leaving Athiled. Leia’s body was on the small cot, but he couldn’t think of that. If he thought of that he’d throw up, or cry, and he had just needed to get somewhere safe.

Well, somewhere safe was right in front of him. The mission was almost complete and when it was, what then? Whatever thin film had formed between him and his creeping emotions would break, and all the fear that was building would be released... and that terrified him.

He swallowed hard. And turned to his transceiver, punching in code for the Resistance base. It takes only a few seconds to hear from Finn, and he wondered if maybe Finn wasn’t sitting too far away from the transceiver. He hopes so, anyway. The thought somehow, helps him feel just a little bit better.

“Poe…Poe is it you?”

“Uhhh…” his voice catches, Finn was so excited to hear from him and it pressed at his heart. “Yy..yeah…it’s me.”

“Oh…oh man…I was… I was worried, Poe.”

Poe smiled and leaned forward resting his head against the metal box of the transceiver.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry…it’s been crazy.”

Dammit, he could hear it in his own voice.

“Poe…”

And, of course, Finn heard it too.

“Poe,” his voice is fearful, worried and sad. “What…what happened?”

Poe squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force back the prickling burning sensation that was enveloping them.

“Poe…please, what happened? Where are you?”

“Uh… we’re home, Finn. We’re almost home.”

“Okay,” said Finn slowly. “What’s wrong?”

Poe felt whatever was holding it all at bay snap like a twig. Huge sobs racked his body, filling the suddenly cold ship, echoing against the walls, making them sound even louder than they were.

This can’t be happening…

This can’t be happening…

She isn’t dead.

She can’t be dead.

Force, let it be a mistake, a dream.

He looked around the ship frantically, like a child desperately searching for something that he already knows isn’t there, the feeling of lostness suddenly overwhelming and oppressive. He was a pilot, a navigator, and suddenly the thought of moving forward even a few feet felt terrifying.

God, he missed her already.

He loved her so much, he gave so much of his life to her, to her cause, and now…

“POE!”

Finn’s voice finally broke through, the voice that had been pounding at his panic for the past few seconds.

“Poe…listen…” his voice was warm, soft, safe. “Just breathe… breathe… you need to get here. I’m going to get you home.”

_He’s going to get me home._

“Just breathe, Poe…can you hear me breathe…” He could hear Finn’s loud exaggerated breaths coming over the transceiver. “Breathe with me.”

Poe buried his face in his hands trying to block out everything around him except for the sound of Finn’s breathe. He could hear him, steady and calm, tempering the panic and despair that was closing around him.

“Listen, you got this,” he said.  “You’re the best pilot in the galaxy, just come the rest of the way for me Poe. You’re almost here, you can do it. Just get home to me.”

Poe’s body fought as he sat up, exhausted from the hard, painful sobs that had just shaken it.

“Yea…I can do that,” he said. “I’m almost there, Finn.”

“Do you want me to stay on with you until you get here?”

He does.

“Yes.”

“All right, I’m still here,” he said, softly. “Come on home.”

********

The moment the Falcon touched down on in the Resistance hangar, she could feel the wave of sadness churning inside. Something was wrong; there was weeping, pain, and, most palpable of all, despair.

She descended the ramp of the Falcon, Sitari clutching her hand. The hangar was peppered with small groups of people, hugging and weeping. She scanned it for Finn or Poe or Leia but there wasn’t anyone.

Finally, her gaze landed on the golden droid in the corner, whose hand was resting on R2D2’s head. Rey hurried over to them, careful to hold on tight to Sitari.

“3PO,” she called running up to the droid. “What’s wrong…what happened…where’s Finn?”

“Rey,” he said, voice filled with relief. “Thank goodness you are here.”

“What happened,” she pressed, her patience already frayed.

“Oh dear…oh dear…Rey it’s awful…”

“What’s awful…”

“Rey…” this time the voice is human and weak with sadness. She turned to see Finn standing a few yards away. His lip was trembling, and tears streaked down his face, and Rey’s heart shattered into a million pieces.

“Poe…” she asked, her own voice shaking.

Finn swallows and shakes his head, a sharp jerking motion.

“No…it’s…General…”

Her mouth opened involuntarily, inhaling a deep gulp of air.

“Oh no…Oh…”

She hadn’t felt it. Not like when Luke had died. How did she not feel it? She should’ve felt it.

“Finn…” she rushed over to him and threw her arms around his neck. “Finn I…I’m…”

She didn’t finish her thought, because something was pulling at her, dragging her focus away from her friend who was grasping at her arms and sobbing violently into her shoulder. She tried to refocus her mind.

Leia was dead…their leader…their General…And, again, she felt the tug of something else, pulling her away from the moment, from her grief, from the overwhelming grief of her friends, for the stark reality and the untenable position they were now in.

What was it?

She pulled herself away from Finn and looked back.  stood alone a few yards away, the most dejected gaze in her wide eyes. She looked around the base, clearly overwhelmed by everything around her. Of course she was, she was so Force sensitive and the emotions in the base were ridiculously high.

Rey held out her hand, beckoning the girl to come over to them.  shyly made her way to Rey, her eyes cast down, not looking at Finn.

“Finn,” she said. “This is Sitari she’s…”

Finn looked at her, taken aback by the shift. He whipped his eyes and mustered a weak smile.

“Hi,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you.” He held out his hand to shake her hand, but Sitari grasped Rey’s leg and buried her face in her side.

“She’s still…adjusting,” said Rey.

Finn nodded, looking around distracted.

“Yeah…uh Rey, we… we have to decide what’s next.”

“For?”

“Us.” Finn looked at her, a slight tinge of frustration in his voice. It surprised Rey. Finn was endlessly patient with her. “You know the Resistance…Poe is a wreck, obviously, but we need to take stock of what we have now. Without Leia…we have to figure out what we are going to say to people, what we are going to ask of them. And our resources have pretty much disappeared. We have you…”

Rey felt a flash of anger and the tight grasp of Sitari’s hand around her wrist.

“Is that what I am to you, Finn? A resource? Without Leia, all we have left is the half-trained Jedi…”

“Rey that’s not…”

“That’s exactly what you meant, you need a new symbol now that the General is gone...”

What was she saying? This wasn’t her. She barely recognized herself in the words that were coming out of her mouth. But it must be true. Her instincts were telling her it was true, and Jedi’s are supposed to trust their instincts.

“Stop right there, Rey…” Finn’s voice came out harsh and strong. “Now we are all stressed out and emotional right now. And you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but if you’re going to say stupid things like that, you should go take a break somewhere.”

Rey felt a stab of guilt. He was right. What was she thinking? This was Finn. He loved her. He came back for her. He was her first real friend in the galaxy.  She bit her lip, and dropped her face.

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed. “Finn I don’t know where that came from… I’m just…I’m…”

Finn shook his head and reached out, taking her free hand.

“I know. He said. I know there’s…it’s too much, all of it.”

Rey swallowed, and blinked away the liquid sheen over her eyes.

“I can’t believe she’s gone…”

Finn nodded.

“I know… I know…look I need to go check on Poe, but…soon... we need to talk and get this all sorted out.”

Rey nodded sadly. Grieving in a time of war was so complicated, it turns people into monsters, who only have a few moments to feel what is human, and them immediately move to “get this all sorted out.”

Leia had taught them all how to do that, and now…now they had to do it without her.

“Why did you apologize to that man?”

Rey looked down at Sitari, who was gazing up at her, innocent and questioning.

“What?”

“Why did you apologize to him,” she asked. “For what you said.”

Rey squeezed her eyes shut.

“Uh…because he’s my friend and I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that.”

“Why? If it’s true…”

“It’s not true,” Rey said hurriedly. “Finn is a good friend, a good man. I just said those things because I’m sad, and angry and tired…”

“I think you were right,” said Sitari, her gaze moving in the direction that Finn was walking away. “I felt it too.”

“Felt what?”

“He’s worried you’ll leave,” she said softly. “He’s worried that if you go, the Resistance will fall apart and the man he’s in love with will die. He’ll say whatever he needs to keep you around.”

Rey furrowed her brows.

“Sitari you shouldn’t invade people’s thoughts like that.”

“I didn’t mean too,” said Sitari. “His worry was just so loud.”

Why didn’t I hear it, Rey wondered. She looked up again at the retreating back of her best friend. That couldn’t be true. Finn loved her dearly. She knew that. But why would Sitari lie to her?

Rey took a deep breathe. She needed to get her head on straight. She couldn’t trust herself right now. She looked wearily from Sitari and back in the direction Finn had gone, but right now she wasn’t sure if she could trust anyone.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

There were so few of them. Rose looked around at the small group that remained after Leia’s death. Many had fled, especially the newer ones, the ones who had yet to stake and lose everything a few times over. Everyone understood. And then there were a few with that look in their eyes, looking for the door.

Rose understood now. She didn’t before.  She had stunned deserters without remorse, but now, somehow, that was gone. She wondered why it was Leia’s death to drive that truth home. She wasn’t as close with Leia as Poe, or even Finn. She wasn’t in the room with her like the others, up until all hours of the night coming up with plans and strategies.

But somehow, for the first time, real despair was settling on her. She couldn’t face that kind of despair after her sister died, because she had to believe, she had to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Resistance would win, because, if she couldn’t believe that, how could she face Paige’s death.

But now, gathered around Leia’s grave, surrounded by the handful of survivors, she had no imagination for how that could happen, for how they could possibly win. She looked up at Poe, who was standing at the foot of Leia’s fresh grave.

He was going to say something to everyone. Finn and Poe had decided that was best. But now watching him choke on his own words, she wasn’t so sure. He looked as though he was drowning.

“Leia…she…she was more than just our General, more than just a symbol, she was…” he bit his lip, trying to keep it from shaking, as if it would steady his flailing voice. Finn stood close to him and gave his hand a squeeze.

That made Rose smile, even just a little bit, something good in the midst of all of this darkness. She drew a sharp breathe and then moved closer to Poe, taking his other hand in hers.

“…She was just like you and me,” said Rose, taking up where Poe had stalled. “I get it. I really do. Because I used to do it.” She looked from Finn to Poe and out to the group. “I looked up to Resistance hero’s, I put them up on this ridiculously high pedestal, and that was really easy to do with General Organa.” Her eyes flickered down to the fresh mound of turned dirt, and nodded, as if urging herself forward. “It’s easy to make her into someone superhuman, because, well she seemed superhuman. But she wasn’t. She was a daughter, a wife, a woman, a politician, a princess, a senator, a mother…a human, just like us.  Yes, she stood for something, something bigger then herself. But she was more than a symbol, and we have to remember that.” She looked out at the eyes locked on her and swallowed her nerves. She had never been good at doing talking, but that didn’t matter, not right now.

“Because,” she continued. “If we make her into just a symbol, who did something that no one else can do, then we do her, and ourselves a disservice. We make what she did less incredible. Because what makes her amazing is she was just a person, a person who decided over and over again to do the right thing, to do the brave thing, to stand up for the people she loved, to stand up for the galaxy she loved. If we make her larger than life, then we give ourselves an out, an excuse, to not…to not carry on what she started, and I don’t think…” she paused and took a deep breathe. “I mean…I know that’s not what she would want.  The truth is, we can never replace Leia, but we can keep moving forward, we can keep fighting for what we love until we win, or, like the General, until we go down swinging.”

Her tears were falling freely now, but her voice rang out across the group, strong and sure. “So, I am taking that out away. I know a lot of you have an eye on the door, and that’s your choice. I won’t stun you while you’re trying to climb into an escape pod, not this time.” Her jaw set stubbornly, and she looked around the small, ragged group, looking as many in the eye as she could. “But I’m going to take your out away, because there is nothing that Leia did that we don’t have the power to learn to do. Yes, this loss is huge, and terrible. But we can’t use it as an excuse to say the Resistance is dead. So, don’t. I know you’re all terrified, and you feel like you’ve lost all hope. But I like to think Leia found herself in that position more than once, and that’s the true legacy she gives us, an example of a normal human, exceptional yes, but also normal, who chose to hope and chose to be brave again and again.” Rose wondered what Paige would say if she was here, Rose wondered would she even be standing here saying these things if Paige was here? “I for one want to follow that example.” 

She knelt by Leia’s grave, and reached into her pocket, pulling out a piece of fabric, and laying it on the dirt; a torn, frayed and faded patch bearing the symbol of the Rebellion.

*************

Everything felt frozen. Rose was right, Rey knew that. But still everything inside her and around her felt frozen and she didn’t know how to move forward.

In a long series of parent-figures failing and falling, Leia had been different; but Rose had been right, not because she was perfect, quite the opposite actually. She was a woman she could rightly look up to, who stumbled honestly, who knew that big plans and big risks meant failing in big ways, but she didn’t let that freeze her. She dared and failed greatly.

And there was something in that that made her heart ache with love. She admired the legend of Luke Skywalker, and she still did, despite Luke’s attempt to dismantle it. But she loved the humanity of Leia Organa.

And now, Rey was in a room with Poe, Finn and Rose, trying to figure out how they move forward, despite the fact that everything felt frozen.

“…I don’t know where we go from here,” Poe said. “We have even less numbers, and without…” he cleared his throat. “The General’s political pool, our chances of gaining any allies has gone from microscopic to non-existent.”

Rey could feel the guilt come off of Poe, guilt that he was speaking about Leia in terms of resources. Did they think of her like that?

She looked around the room, her friends, the people that loved her; would they love her if she wasn’t Force-Sensitive, would they even want her without her “magic powers to lift rocks.”

“Rey…” she looked up at Finn, who was looking at her concerned. “What do you think?”

“I… I don’t know, Finn,” she said. “I really don’t.”

“Are you going to go hunting for more Force-Sensitive…”

“I don’t hunt for them, Finn,” she said, her voice clipped. “They are living, beings; not tools for the Jedi, the Resistance…”

“Sorry…sorry… I just meant…”

“Maybe,” she interrupted. “I just…yes, it may help. Although I don’t know how good of a recruiter I am, only came with me because her situation was worse than this one.” She turned and looked at Poe. “Was there any luck with the planets you and Leia visited?”

“No,” he said. “We had a weak promise of resources from the first planet we visited but…other than that they are all insisting on remaining neutral or have been bullied to allying with the First Order. It’s sad but we may have to take Rey’s advice. We may just have to keep building our numbers from the people that desperate enough to fight for us.”

“Are you going to put that on the flyers,” asked Rose.

“No,” he said. “But I am going to take you with me, if you want to come.”

Rose’s eyes widened and she looked at Poe as if he was going off the deep end.

“What?”

“Yeah, I need…someone like Leia with me or…”

“I’m not like Leia…not at all I’m…I’m not a Resistance fighter, I spend my day behind pipes I…”

“Rose,” said Finn, giving her an amused smile. “Come on, girl. That “I’m just a maintenance worker” ship has kind of sailed don’t you think.”

“No…No I’m not qualified…”

“None of us are,” said Rey, giving Rose a kind look. “Poe’s right. You’re a veteran at this point. You’re the smartest person we have. You learn fast, and think fast, and you’re brave.”

“And I need someone with me,” said Poe. “If I’m trying to recruit people on my own, we will fall on our faces.”

Rose looked at Finn, tentatively.

“It’s of course up to you, Rose,” he said. “Working maintenance keeps us going too, but…but I think you’ve got a lot more to bring to the table then you think. And I think, maybe from all that you’ve been reading and researching, you probably know that too, right?”

Rey felt a wave of nausea about the fact that she had snapped so cruelly at Finn, not once but twice since returning.  The sincerity with which he regarded Rose should be enough to put her reservations to rest.

Should…

“Okay,” Rose breathed out, more to herself then anyone else in the room. “Just…uh…give me a little time to think about it.”

“Of course,” said Poe. “And honestly, we probably will have to change our strategy again, now that pasty-faced Hux is their “Supreme Leader”. The guy is genuinely insa…”

“WHAT?”

Rey’s voice came out louder, and higher then she meant.

“What,” asked Poe, eyes wide. “What…what?”

“Uh…” she swallowed, trying to silence the roaring in her ears. “Umm… what…why is Hux the…what happened to B…Kylo Ren?”

“Oh,” said Poe. “I forgot, I had just told Finn, about this particular plot twist, not you.”

Rey was almost certain the room was spinning. She returned to her seated position and closed her eyes, trying to still it.

“Kylo Ren just showed up out of nowhere,” he said. “It was a little crazy, and honestly still confusing to me…” Not to me, thought Rey, a creeping fear rising in her throat. “It’s his ship out there in the hangar. I guess that’s something, he killed his own dad, but his last act was saving…”

Rey closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Last act,” she asked, her voice shaking with confusion.

“Well, I mean…we took his ship, and Hux kept pulling out troopers from his ass like some damn magician, so I’m assuming he died or was taken prisoner and is now wishing he was dead.”

“Shut up,” snapped Rey, standing to her feet abruptly. She closed her eyes, and focused, and sat down again. She knew she must look like she has lost her mind, but she didn’t care.

“…I would’ve…I would’ve felt it…” she muttered to herself, trying desperately to tap into the Force connection. “…would’ve felt it if he…”

“Felt what,” asked Finn. “Rey what are you talking about?”

“If he was dead,” she snapped, finally, opening her eyes and looking at Finn, who stepped back slightly. “If he was dead I would’ve felt it…” she turned toward Poe, accusation in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me as soon as I arrived about Ben?”

“Ben…” said Finn. “Rey it’s Kylo Ren we are talking about…”

“Why didn’t anyone say anything sooner? If he’s a prisoner…”

“I didn’t think it mattered,” said Poe. “I assumed they killed him and if they didn’t it’s not like we are going to stage rescue.”

Rey looked at Poe, her eyes cold and she let out a bitter laugh.

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do,” said Rey, her fists clenching.

“Look,” said Poe, standing to his feet. “I’m glad that Leia died knowing that her son stopped being a planet sized pain in the ass for a whole five minutes, but beyond that, honestly, I could not care less what happened to Kylo Ren.”

“Good thing I’m not asking you to care,” she choked out through gritted teeth. She was burning with a red hot rage, and one more poke, she was afraid she’d consume everything in the room.

“Both of you,” said Finn. “Need to calm down.” He turned to look at Rey. “Rey, please, it’s time for you to tell us what’s going on. Why do you care so much…he’s…he’s First Order, a dark side user, why would you have felt it if he died? Why do you care if he died?”

Rey sighed. Finn was right. Her friends had no idea why she was acting this way, she had given them no reason. She had kept it all to herself, not knowing how to explain. But now, they needed to know.

“Somehow, after Starkiller, Snoke linked mine and Ben’s minds using the Force,” she sighed and looked at Finn, desperate for him to understand, to see her crying out from the depth of all this rage and confusion. “It was weird, but I was able to see…truly see Ben Solo. And he was able to see me. He’s the reason I wasn’t killed on the Supremacy,” she looked at Poe. “He killed Snoke, he fought with me against Snoke’s guards. Without him there, I would have been killed. Just like you, Poe.” She looked back at Finn, and then Rose.

“Woa…” said Finn, holding out his hands. “This sounds…”

“Please Finn,” she said. “I need you to listen to me now.”

“Rey, I was with the First Order. I saw the things that Kylo Ren did, and if he killed Snoke it was because it benefited him, not because he…feels anything…”

“Finn,” cut in Rose, her voice sharp. She placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder, and turned her gaze on Rey. “Finn, Rey asked you to listen to her, we owe her that.”

Finn let out a heavy sigh, but he nodded. “I’m sorry, Rey,” he said. “Go on.”

“He’s not good,” she said. “I know that. The dark is powerful in him. But so is the light. When we…when I touched his hand…”

“You touched his hand…” the question flung from Finn’s lips before he could stop it.

Rose turned and shot a death glare at Finn, who immediately shut his mouth.

“I had a vision…”

“A vision,” said Poe, skeptically.

“Yes, Poe,” she said sharply. “A vision, Jedi have them from time to time. And I saw what he could be, I saw a future that could happen if he turns back to the light.”

“…Was this before or after he tried to shoot you out of the sky,” asked Finn.

“Finn…”

“No Rose,” he said, shaking his head. “This… this is insane! Rey,” he said, stepping closer to her, trying to calm his voice. “Rey didn’t…you said Snoke bridged your minds, right?” She nodded, slowly, trying to calm the simmering. “Then how can you trust ANYTHING you saw in that vision? He used you, Rey. He used you to take out Snoke so that….”

“Finn,” she said, her fists were clenched so tight she certain she was drawing blood, speaking her next sentence as though it were an exercise in restraint. “I can…see…why… you would think that.” She breathed out. “I really do. And I can’t explain it, but I know. I know there is conflict in him. Darth Vader himself was turned…” She looked at them, intently. “And he’s no, Vader.”

“So,” Rose started carefully. “You have this bond with him, do you, see him?”

“Yes,” said Rey with a nod.

“Have you seen him since…since yesterday?”

“Uh… no…” she said.

“And you’re certain you…you’re sure he’s not dead…”

“He’s not,” she said, her voice confident. “I felt it when Luke died. And I think…I think I may have felt it when Leia died, I just didn’t know what I was feeling.”

“So,” said Poe. “Now your proposal is that we should risk Resistance lives in an attempt to save an ex-Supreme Leader of the First Order from the current Supreme Leader of the First Order.”

“No,” she said with a sharp shake of her head. “I’m going to do it alone.”

“Rey…” said Rose, a protest in her voice.

“Poe’s right. We don’t need to risk anyone else, and I’m confident, if I go alone, I’ll be able to find him.”

“You…you don’t even have a lightsaber, Rey,” said Finn.

“Hopefully, if all goes to plan, I can get in and out without one.”

“If all goes to plan,” repeated Finn incredulously. “If all goes to plan?! Rey none of this will go to plan.”

“Thank you, Finn,” she said. “Your reservations have been noted.”

She turned to walk out but Finn fell in close behind her.

“Rey, this is ridiculous you have responsibilities here…”

“And this is a part of my responsibilities,” said Rey. “Didn’t you just say that I should go “hunting” for more Force sensitives? Well, Ben is. And if we can get him on our side, imagine what that could do, to the First Order and for the Resistance, it could change the tide of the whole war.”

“It’s not worth it Rey,” he said.

“It is Finn,” she said, “I just need you to trust me, please.” She turned to walk away again, but this time Finn reached out and placed a gentle, but firm hand on her shoulder.

“Why should we, Rey?”

The room froze, the weight of his words hanging over the, sapping any remnant of civility out of the air.

“What,” she asked, her voice angry.

“Why should we trust you, Rey? You lied to us about what happened on the Supremacy, you lied to us about the Force bond…”

“You’re going to want to stop right there,” she said, jerking her arm away.

“You’ve been fraternizing with the enemy for who knows how long now.”

“I said stop,” she said again, hot angry tears springing from her eyes.

He was right. She knew that, some part of her knew that deeply. But that part wasn’t as loud as the raging anger that wanted to lash out at her friend.

“And now we are supposed to just trust you, when we don’t even know if your plan is to scamper off with your boyfriend across the galaxy…”

“SHUT UP!”

It came out as piercing, echoing scream, and before anyone could move, or act, Finn was thrown across the room, sliding into the wall.

Rose and Poe turned on Rey, stunned. Rey’s own eyes widened.

“Finn,” she breathed. “Finn, oh god, I’m so sorry…” she moved to run over to him, but Rose, gently side-stepped in her way, and Poe made his way over to their fallen, friend, helping him up to his feet. “Finn, I’m so…I’m sorry. I don’t know… I didn’t mean to, I promise.”

“Rey,” said Rose. “I think you need to go now, out of the room, and cool off.”

Rey looked past Rose to Finn. He looked physically fine, but in his eyes there was a sad, strange mix of hurt and anger. Rey nodded, frightened herself, and hurried from the room, her whole body shaking.

It hadn’t felt like her, it was the same feeling she had when she was on ’s planet, only this time she wasn’t freeing a little girl from her captor, this time she was just angry at her best friend’s totally legitimate concerns. She hugged herself wearily and hurried to the Falcon, the one place that she felt that could comfortably call home at this point.

She closed her eyes and sunk into the pilot seat of the Falcon.

How do they get here?

She had been so filled with hope when she had arrived at Ach-To and now, she felt more hopeless then she ever imagined she could.

“Ben…” she whispered it into the emptiness of the Falcon. “Ben are you there… please… please if your there, let me know…”

**********

Kylo had been in pain before; severe and prolonged pain. It had been a part of his training under Snoke. The difference was that Snoke wanted him strong, and for all his faults as a master, he knew when to stop, he flirted with the line to be sure, but never crossed it. Kylo was always able to recover in a few days, at worse a week, and every time he went back he was able to withstand a little more.

Hux, however, had no such goals. He did not care how comfortable or strong or nourished he was, as long as he was in pain, loud pain; loud intermittent pain via the electric shock sent through the cuffs around his arms and legs.

He was going to kill, H…

Another bolt went through his body, sending him into involuntary spasms and jerks. He didn’t know how long he had been there when he felt the tug of the bond.

No…he clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back as hard as he could, which it turned out was not very hard. She was annoyingly persistent and, right now, he was pathetically weak. He felt like he was a child trying to push against compacting walls, to no avail.

“Ben…”

“No…” he muttered, clenching his teeth so hard his jaw was aching. “No…go away…”

“Ben…please if you’re there, please, let me know…I need to know you’re alive.”

Another electric bolt shot through him, this time pulling a scream from behind his cracked and bleeding lips.

“Ben…” he heard her cry from across the bond, she’s just a haze in front of him but she’s there. “Oh, god, Ben…hold on…just a little longer…Ben I’m coming…”

Then the Force bond ended as he faded into unconsciousness.

****

Rey rushed off of the Falcon. She had to find Chewie. She wanted to stop and check on Finn, to apologize, to seek whatever blessing he was able to give her. But she didn’t have time. She could feel his pain and weakness through the bond.

It may already be too late.

“Rey…”

She turned and saw Finn walking hurriedly over to her.

“Finn,” she said, her voice beseeching and frantic. “I am so so sorry,” she said, throwing her arms around his neck. She is relieved to feel him hug her back. “I didn’t mean to do that. I know…you’re right something is wrong with me, and I have no idea what it is. I need help. But…I…”

Finn continued to hold her, but she could feel him deflate ever so slightly.

“You need to go save, Kylo Ren.”

She squeezed him tightly. “I do Finn. I am so sorry. But I have too. I…”

He pulled away, but still held her shoulders.

“I know. And I’m sorry too. Even if I don’t get it. Even if I think you’re wrong, it was wrong of me to question your intentions. You’re…you’ve saved all over our lives, you’re the reason we made it off of Crait, you’ve risked everything for the Resistance. I’m just…confused…”

Rey felt her heart burst with love for him.

“Me too,” she said. “I’m confused too, I just want us to live long enough to be confused about more.”

He nodded.

“Then go do what you have to do.”

“Finn,” she said, her voice lowering. “If I don’t make it out…”

“Rey come on please, I’m barely on board now if you start…”

“Please Finn,” she said, holding up a finger to his mouth. “If I don’t make it back. Please look after Sitari. She’s special. She’s Force sensitive and if I don’t make it back she won’t have a teacher, so promise me that you’ll take care of her, that you’ll…” her voice cracked as she looked into the face of her friend. “Make her feel as loved as you make me feel.”

Finn held her gaze for a moment, taking seriously the weight of what she was asking of him. Slowly, he nodded.

“I promise Rey,” he said. Then after a moment, he smiled at her. “That just means you’ll have to come back, I’m not ready to be a father.”

Rey let out a small, sad laugh, but nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “I just need to find her, and explain where I am going, and then I’ll be taking off.”

Finn nodded and gave her one more tight hug.

“You know,” he said. “I’m really looking forward to the day when we can see each other for more than 3 days in a row.”

“Me too.” She said pulling away from the comfort of his hug. “I’ll be back.”

With that Rey pulled away and went on to what she imagined would be the hardest person to convince that this was a good idea.

*****

“You promised!!”

The scream was shrill, quivering and filled with hurt. Rey tried to walk over to Sitari, but she backed away further into the corner of the little room that Rey had set up for her. Most of the quarters were small and cramped with more beds then should have been able to fit, but Rey wasn’t comfortable putting Sitari in a room with that many people.

“Sitari,” she said carefully. “I’m coming right back, I promise.”

“You “promised” you wouldn’t leave!” The words were barbed and sounded like they were scraping the inside of Sitari’s throat as she spoke them.

Rey tried to reach out with the Force, to find a way to quell Sitari’s fear, but she found herself pushed out, effectively and harshly.

“No,” snapped Sitari. “You’re leaving me.”

The little girl slumped forward, her body shaking with sobs and anger.

Rey stood there for a moment, and looked tentatively from the girl to the door. She didn’t have much time. But she couldn’t leave her, not like this.

“I have to help a friend. He’s not safe. Like you weren’t safe.”

“Is that the friend you were talking to,” spat Sitari. “The one you thought I couldn’t see?”

Rey opened her mouth  but the lie died on her lips.

“Yes, Ben. He’s in trouble.”

“He’s not your friend, Rey,” she said, her voice suddenly softening and sounding as if it had aged several years in the span of seconds. “He’s not your friend, Rey. I am.”

“You can have more than one,” said Rey with a small laugh, tentatively stepping closer to her.

“But why would you need one,” she wailed. “Aren’t I enough? Why am I never enough for anyone….” The sentence ended with another loud wail and Sitari descended again into sobs. This time they were filled with more sorrow then rage, so Rey chanced stepping closer to her and slipping on the ground next to her.

Something inside her reached out to Sitari, and that something was begging her to stay. Reminding her of all that Kylo Ren had done, not just to her friends, but to her.

Could Kylo Ren…Ben be lying to her?

Was it all a set-up? A way to lure her out and then take her prisoner?

Was he exploiting her weaknesses and taking advantage of her…complicated…feelings for him?

She looked at Sitari, her eyes wide and focused on her, as if drilling into her soul. Rey looked at her, the poorly lit room seemed to morph her features, shadows formed and danced across her face, her eyes seemed to sink deeper in to her face.

… _He’s using you, Rey._

_…He’s going to abandon you, just like everyone else…_

Paranoia gripped at her lungs, and she suddenly felt like she was back in her dream, being pulled down by something, something she couldn’t see, but something she could feel. She tried to take in a gulp of breath and look away from Sitari, but she couldn’t, it was like she was in a trance.

_…I won’t…_

Rey felt like she was falling asleep, slowly, falling into a dream, as she felt a familiar pressing against her brain. She was too tired to fight, and whatever was pressing its way into her mind was warm, it hugged her psyche and held it tight.

She felt safe…comfortable…like returning to the womb, where nothing could touch her.

She could stay. She didn’t have to go. No one would think less of her if she didn’t go.

_…You’re not alone…_

The voice whispered it against her ears, but they inadvertently woke something else.

_“You’re not alone…”_ she had heard that before, from someone else, from a different voice someone who needed…something from her. But she couldn’t remember.

“You’re not alone….”

“Ben…” the name felt from her subconscious to her conscious mind, stirring her from whatever dream had settled over. Rey felt something scream in protest, but she leapt to her feet, pulling herself from her sleep before she could see what it was. She looked around the room, confused about what had occurred.

“Uh…what…”

“You fell asleep,” said Sitari. “You must be tired. You should at least stay long enough to get some…”

“No,” Rey shook her head, and bent down next to Sitari, cradling her face in her hand. “I have to go. I have to go now. But, I promise, I’ll be back.”

“But…”

Rey kissed the top of her head and then hurried from the quarters, before anything else could distract her from her mission.

“You’re not alone…” the words tumbled through her brain, reminding her of why she was doing this, and who it was she was saving.  She had the chance to kill him, and she chose not to, because she knew, she knew there was still a chance for him to save Ben from Kylo Ren, it wasn’t her right to take that choice from him, anymore then it was Luke’s. She was in control of her choices, and this was her choice, she would not leave him to die.

“Neither are you.”


	10. Chapter 9

 

Chapter 9

 

“Okay, Chewie,” she said, handing out the beacon to him. “We’re pretty much running the exact same play as last time, all right. Except this time, I am literally rescuing the damsel, instead of figuratively, and I hope that this command ship makes it out in one piece.”

Chewie growled and nodded, accepting the beacon.

“If we get out on a ship, I’ll contact you directly from there, if we are in a pod, you can use the beacon to locate us, okay?”

Chewie nodded and growled.

“I hope so too Chewie.”

Chewie nodded sadly, and Rey hugged him tightly. The Wookie wrapped her in a giant hug, squeezing her tight.

“I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring Ben with me this time.” She really did love Chewie. Chewie had been there for her every step of the way, without blinking, he had crossed the galaxy with her several times over. He went unquestioningly into fool-hardy rescue missions, and even when he disagreed with her, he trusted her.

He patted her head before breaking the hug. She gave him one more parting smile before lowering herself into the pod. Her heart was pounding furiously in her chest as she heard it close over her head.

“You can do this, Rey,” she said. “Just keep your head down, get in and get out.”

*****  
Rey knew of course that her plan was half-cocked at best. Much like her last attempt to infiltrate a First Order command ship, which had on the one hand resulted in the death of Snoke, but on the other did not result in returning back to the Resistance with a Jedi-trained Solo in tow. It had been a calculated risk, one that had heavily relied on an assumption that Ben would not act like a stubborn ass, a gross miscalculation at that.

So, she wasn’t sure how confident she should be in her fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants style of strategy, it had kept her alive on Jakku, but this was different. These were, supposedly highly trained First- Order troops and a psychotic General, turned Supreme Leader.  Snoke, for all his evil, perhaps, may have been slightly more predictable then Hux. There was order, and logic. Hux had a reputation, and for all his rage it was difficult to know what he was going to do next. But again, perhaps the non-strategy was the way to go with a maniac like him.

She also knew that without a lightsaber this rescue was ill-advised to say the least. Her friends weren’t wrong. The smart thing to do would be to leave him behind; to let him face the consequences of throwing his lot in with the First Order.

But she couldn’t even bother going through the pretense of entertaining that idea. She didn’t have time for that, and, more importantly, neither did Ben. So, with a staff and a blaster, both clumsy and ineffective when compared to the saber that lay in pieces in a drawer on the Flacon, she mounted her one-woman rescue, all for a Force-Damned Solo she couldn’t seem to let go of.

Getting aboard the ship was easy. It was not as densely populated and she was immediately able to manipulate the three workers who were busy cataloguing the new shipments….

“You’ll forget what you saw me here,” she said. “And go about your business.”

They obeyed without question. She snuck out of the hangar and into a side hallway, secluded from sight. She closed her eyes and took a breath and tried to focus. She could feel Ben. He was close, somewhere on this ship.

And he was in pain. A lot of pain. She opened her eyes and looked down the sterile, black hallway.

“Hold on Ben…” she whispered. “I’m coming.”  


********

Ben was certain he was about to die. And at the hands of Hux no less, a truth that would gall him well into the great beyond, assuming his last act of heroism earned him a spot in Jedi-ghost heaven where he would have to listen to his uncle berate him for all of eternity.

He had been in and out of consciousness for the past several hours, his body drained of life and energy. He had been stirred awake by the feel of his body being lifted and detached from the shackles that held him from the ceiling. Despite his trepidation that wherever he was being moved to was not any better, it was a small comfort to be freed from the cuffs that had burned the skin of his hands and his feet.

Despite that he could feel her, clear and strong, her familiar energy pulling on him from somewhere in this ship. It was Rey, unmistakably Rey. But it was also something else; that something that he had sensed last time that they spoke, a something that didn’t belong, that had attached itself to Rey like a parasite. Whatever it was, it was here with her too, almost as strong as Rey.

 _Foolish Jedi_ , he thought. _What are you doing here?_

He was loaded onto a hovering med bed, the gentle humming familiar from his days of training with Snoke. But he doubted he was going to the med bay, unless he was close to death and they weren’t ready for that yet.

As soon as he was on the bed, he cracked his eyes open to find Hux staring down at him, a wry grin on his face.

“Don’t get any ideas, Ren,” he said holding up his wrist, showing off the black bracelet around it.

“Pretty…” rasped Ben through his dry, cracked lips.

Hux pressed a red button on the bracelet sending another bolt of electricity through Ben’s body. Ben felt his body seize and his jaw clamp shut as he strained against the pain, to no avail.  Hux leaned in closer to Ben, staring him down with more hatred and malice then Ben thought could be conveyed with just a look.

“It’s over for you, Kylo Ren,” he said. “You and that Scavenger girl…”

******

The easier it got to maneuver through the ship, the more apparent it became that this was, as her friends had said, a trap. But why? It seemed like an awful lot of effort just for her, unless Hux was banking on a few more people joining her.

Well, he would be disappointed with his catch for the day.

The deeper she moved into the belly of the ship, the clearer her direction became. She could sense Ben clearly; his frustration, his anger, his pain…all of it. She tightened her hold around the grip of the blaster and breathed in.

“You know…I could help…”

She looked around, wildly, trying to find the source of the voice, only to find herself completely alone.

“…If you would let me…”

She closed her eyes; the stress of this escapade seemed to be exacerbating her fall into madness.

 _Keep it together, Rey_ , she told herself. Now is not the time to listen to voices in your head.

“Now is the perfect time…”

Sssh!

She could hear him screaming, this time the sound was coming from outside of her. She ran forward toward Ben’s screams, her blaster poised to fire. She held out her hand and ripped the door out of the wall, and barreled in.

“Ahh…so glad you could join us…”

Rey whipped around, taking in the room, her legs poised to run, to jump, to attack. She just didn’t know where. She was in what may pass as Hux’s version of a throne room, had he any of the flare that Snoke possessed. The room was filled with troopers, and First Order military. They circled the room, they were crowded along the high rises that overlooked the room.

Ben lay prostrate, on the ground, his body heaving with whatever pain that had been inflicted on it. Rey hurried over to him, kneeling beside him. Gently resting her hand on his head.

“I’m hear Ben,” she said. “Don’t worry.”

“…just in time for your trial…” said Hux, crossing the room, the sound of his boots on the hard floor echoed imperiously through the chambers.

“Trial…” said Rey with a laugh, looking up from her knelt position

“And execution,” he finished with a shrug.

“So not really a trial…” she said with a derisive snort.

“Your crimes against the First Order, stand on their own, as do the traitor’s,” he spat, turning his glare on Ben, who was managing to roll onto his knees, his body swaying as he did so. He looked at her through his tangled sweaty hair, and almost amused look in his eyes as he took her in.

“What are you doing here,” he asked.

“Uh…rescuing you…obviously…”

“Oh obviously,” said Ben. “I don’t know how I could have missed that with your one blaster.” He offered her the ghost of a smile and cocked his head closer to her. “Some rescue.”

“Hey…” she said. “My teacher did it with a laser sword, it’s a proud legacy…Owwe…” Rey felt herself being jerked violently to her feet by two troopers, so she was standing upright as Hux approached her, all menacing glares and billowing black coat.

“So..” he said, circling her theatrically, looking her up and down like a predator sizing up its prey. “ This is the girl the has caused so much trouble for us…”

“Woman…” she corrected. “But yes…”

Her snorted at her contemptuously. “The Scavenger…”

Rey met his gaze with hers. From all she had heard Hux was very much into appearances and showboating, undermining his ego may be the best way to disorient him for long enough that she could formulate a plan to escape, somehow, with Ben in tow.  If he felt like she wasn’t appropriately terrified of him, he may waste some time trying to do just that.

“You know,” she said. “I am so glad that moniker has stuck. You save the Resistance twice, destroy Starkiller base, train with the most legendary Jedi in history and all anyone remembers is that you used to scavenge for ship parts in the Jakku…” Rey’s sentence stopped as a force pike was jabbed into her back by a stormtrooper, sending her yelping to the ground, on her knees beside Ben

“I do wonder, Scavenger,” continued Hux, gesturing theatrically for the benefit of the spectators come to watch the humiliation of the traitors. “What was the plan here? Did you expect you’d be able to walk in and just leave entirely without incident?”

“Well,” she said. “It worked with Snoke, and I imagine that you will be far less trouble then he was, unless you got…” she held out her hands at him, fingers splayed… “Zzzzt…Zzzzt…you know the lightening fingers. You haven’t got those have you?”

Hux raised an eyebrow and smirked before casually pressing the button on his wrist. Rey turned when she heard Ben collapse next to her, his body contorting unnaturally.

“Stop,” she yelled, attempting to lunge forward toward Hux, but she was jerked back down by the troopers behind her.

“Oh…” said Hux stepping closer and kneeling in front of her. “How sweet! The Scavenger and the Traitor, together at the end of it all… all though, this time…”  he pushed the button again. “I don’t think our dear Ren will be much help to you.” Rey didn’t turn to look at Ben this time, but she could hear his low growls of pain squeezing through his clenched teeth. Instead she she focused on Hux’s face, imagining how lovely it would be to see his features twisted in fear.

“I can help with that…”  the voice promised. “Just let me…”

She could feel her whole body tense and tremble with anger as Hux pushed it again, this time longer and prolonged, not taking his gaze from her, weighing her reactions, apparently glorying in her mounting rage.

“I don’t need Ben to destroy you,” she growled, her voice low and murderous.

He let out a bark of disbelieving laughter, before standing to his feet. He graced her with one more contempt filled gaze before turning to address the room.

“This is an auspicious day for the First Order,” he began. Rey looked around the room, as a roar of applause tittered throughout.

“Ummm….if you’re going to do something, now would be the time,” crooned the voice in her head. She clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.  She didn’t know what it was, but there was something dark in her, something that Ben had seen, something that Luke had seen, something that had been growing inside her, something that didn’t belong and yet did, and she didn’t know what would happen to her if she stopped fighting it. “I promise it will be deliciously effective.”

She shook her head subtly, as if trying to shake off an annoying fly that was buzzing around her head.

“We have disposed of General Leia Organa,” continued Hux. “And today we will stomp out the last bit of hope that remains in the rebellion, and the last bit of traitorous intention among our own ranks. After today, there will be no question about what happens to enemies of the First Order.”

Rey’s eyes darted around frantically, cursing at herself. Her mind wasn’t working correctly, she was unable to put any plan, or any movement together, as though something was blocking her from being able to see a way out.

“I’m the only way you’ll be able to save him,” said the voice, low and soft in the corners of her mind. “Let me out and you will both survive. Ignore me and you’ll both die.”

“This execution will be transmitted to every corner of the galaxy, our allies will be emboldened, our enemies will despair, and the unaffiliated will see clearly now and forever, that the First Order is not to be challenged.”

Rey could feel her heart hammering in her chest, as Hux flicked his wrists at the stormtroopers.

Dammit…

“You’re running out of time.”

She could feel the muzzle of the blaster on the back of her head. She looked over and saw two stormtroopers grab Ben, pulling him to his knees. He looked over at her, his face obscured by his hair.

“I’m so sorry, Rey,” he said, his voice deep with sincerity and affection.

“Rey…” the voice said.

“Rey and Kylo Ren you are guilty of crimes against the First Order…”

“Rey…” the voice almost sang impatiently.

“Punishment is death.”

“If you want to save him…”

“Ready…” cried out Hux, voice giddy with anticipation.

“You had better do it…”

“Aim!”

“NOW!”

Rey closed her eyes and let down every resistance, power poured through her body like molten lava, burning and consuming from the inside out.

“FIRE!”

**********

Ben squeezed his eyes shut. He hated that she was here. He deserved this, it was the bed he had made with every one of his actions for the past 15 years. But not her. She was good, and she should not be here.

And now she was going to die beside him, and he was powerless to stop it.

And then everything shifted. He could feel it before he could see it, the power that seeped from every bit of life in the room, pooling into one spot, just a few feet away from him. He whipped around and saw the rifles that had been trained on the back of their heads had crumpled in on themselves, weak as paper. He looked up at Hux, his eyes were wide with fear and surprise, and then he turned on Rey. She was hunched over, eyes shut hard, holding herself tightly.

“Fire on them! Anyone!” screamed Hux. The perimeter of stormtroopers all raised their rifles and fired, but Ben didn’t look away from Rey, her small body pulling the Force from all directions into her as she muttered to herself.

Then her eyes opened, and in place of warm hazel, were inky black pools. Her arms shot out, stretched and quivering, her palms out. Ben could feel the mood in the room change from anticipation, to confusion and, finally, to dread, as 50 blasters bolts froze mid-air around them. It would be an amazing spectacle under any other circumstances, glorious and beautiful to see Rey fully realize her power, except for the simple and terrifying fact that this was not Rey, at least, not completely.

Slowly, she rose, like something dark and looming, somehow not bigger than before but simultaneously filling the room with her presence. She turned, surveying the room, her arms still outstretched, the blaster bolts turning with her, like a deadly pinwheel. Then with a casual flick of her wrist she sent them shooting throughout the room.

The silence was replaced with screams and the sound of stampeding feet, furiously trying to make it to the nearest exit. Rey looked up and jerked her hands down, sending the high rises crowded with First Order military crashing to the ground in a mangled mess of metal and bone, blocking the doors that led out of the room. 

“Get them,” screamed Hux. Troopers ran forward, and around Ben, rightfully writing him off as not a threat. But as each trooper approached her, they were taken down with ease and finesse, a cacophony of screams and crunching bone filled the air as the troopers were flung, broken, and cut down with cruel strokes of her hand. Several were raised into the air and twisted in unnatural ways, breaking their bodies at the spine.

She maneuvered expertly in and out of their ranks, dodging and destroying weapons and attackers, each one falling into the pile of carnage that was growing with every movement. She sent blaster bolts back at the First Order command who had survived the fall and were attempting climb through the metal wreckage. Ben watched in horror and fascination as she lifted the pieces of jagged metal and sent them firing through the air, lancing the would be escapees. It would seem she would not be leaving any survivors in her wake. Her command of the Force was effortless and lethal, in a way that he had never seen or heard of, in Sith or Jedi.

And, somehow, he knew he needed to stop her.

He needed to stop her. Rey’s signature was dimming every moment, and whatever _this_ was, was taking over completely. And for some reason, some ridiculous reason he assumed was connected to the fact that he tried to save his mother and spared that trooper, he couldn’t let it take Rey over.

He staggered to his feet and tried to push his way through the retreating and attacking troopers to Rey, hoping that she still had enough control not to turn on him too.

“Rey,” he called out over the mess and the screams of fear and pain. “Rey! Stop! Rey!”

 He tried to call out to her again, but she had already turned on Hux, who was cowering in a corner. She stalked toward him and formed her hand into a fist and then jerked it toward her. Hux was dragged along the floor as if on a leash. He tried to grab at the slick, hard floor but to no avail.  When he stopped being dragged, he was only yards away from her. He frantically kicked himself away, holding out his hand.

“Don’t come near me…” he said, his voice shaky. He reached for the bracelet. “I can kill him!” he cried out, his voice high and shaky. “I just need to push this button and he’ll be dead and…”

She raised her hand again and Hux was tossed into the air, freezing several feet away from the ground. Everyone else in the room was dead or severely injured, and it was clear that Rey had something more malicious in mind for Hux.

“Rey,” called Ben again, limping over to her, his body doubled over in pain. “Rey…don’t do this. We can go, we can go now, there’s a…”

She turned toward him, her eyes still black and menacing, a malicious grin spread across her face, unnatural and fearsome.

“…Do what?” She asked, her voice dripping with faux-innocence. She splayed out her fingers and Hux’s arms and legs were jerked outward, eliciting a yelp of fear from him.

“…Rey,” said Ben inching forward. “If you’re in there…”

“I’m right here, Ben,” she said. “Right in front of you.”

“You aren’t Rey,” he said with a shake of his head.

“Of course I am,” she said. “At least, a part of Rey, and, a part of Rey…” she drove the heel of her palm upward, twisted her wrist, this time Hux’s scream was one of immense pain as his arms and legs twisted with her wrist. “Wants...” she twisted again, and Ben winced against the sound of tearing muscles. “Him…” she twisted again breaking the bones, Hux shrieked in response. “Dead.” She twisted one more time, and Ben closed his eyes, but he heard the flesh tear as Hux's limbs fully detached from his body and were flung carelessly across the room, his wails and shrieks were almost unbearable. Rey dropped her hand and the mangled, bloody remains of Hux’s body fell to the floor. Rey held Ben’s gaze as Hux’s screams descended into the chattering of teeth and then to nothing, as he bled to death only a few yards away from them.

If anyone was alive in the room, now, they were pretending not to be. He was almost shaking with fear himself as Rey’s body approached him.

“I guess,” she said, her finger reached out and traced a path down his chest. “I owe you a thank you.” She raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“Rey…” he said. “This isn’t you…come on…”

Rey let out an exasperated sigh.

“Come now, Solo,” she said stepping closer to him. “I’m everything you wanted Rey to be,” she said, grazing a hand down his chest.

“That’s not true,” he spat angrily. Rey let out a laugh and looked up at him a sly, wicked grin on her face.

“Of course it is,” she said. “You wanted her to know the full extent of her power. You wanted her without the doubt and the conflict,” she gestured, grandly to herself. “This is it, silly boy. I just helped get her there.” She looked around the room. The sound of the cries and sobs of pain had gotten quieter, as people passed out and died. “I can destroy it all.” She snaked her hands around his neck and looked up at him. “…The First Order, Resistance…all of it.” She pressed her body fully against his and pulled him down so that her mouth could reach his ear. “But I could keep you,” she whispered. “You would make a suitable play thing, and she wants you, Ben Solo, despite her best efforts to pretend that she does not…I could make all of your wildest dreams come true.”

Ben felt his heart beating faster. This was exactly what he asked of her, to leave the Resistance and the First Order behind, to build something new; of course, he saw himself playing a bigger role in whatever new order emerged aside from play thing, but hell, play thing for Rey wasn’t the worst fate he could imagine. 

But, somehow, despite it perhaps being the most practical way to get what he had wanted, he didn’t want it. Not one little bit. Whatever dark side this offer may have once appealed to, had vanished. There was nothing that this…thing…this creature that dare use Rey as a puppet, could offer him.

The darkness that was rising in Rey held no appeal for him, and even if the real Rey never made such an offer, never touched him like this, it wouldn’t matter, because it would be Rey. And there was some part of him, some part of him he had no idea existed until now, that would rather her reject him over and over again and be existing in the world, exactly as she was meant too.

He pulled her toward him, his hands on her back. She let out a gasp of excitement, as his mouth grazed up the side of her neck, her fingers dug into his shoulders in anticipation. Despite his own resistance, the hazy cloud of lust and power was thick and disorienting, but not so much that he could not summon one of the Force pikes across the room and into Rey’s back.

She let out a startled cry and collapsed against him.  She wasn’t heavy, but even the slight pressure she created against him caused his body to protest in pain. He closed his eyes, and took advantage of her disoriented state, pushing himself into her mind.

“Come on, Rey…” he said. “I know you’re in here.”

**********************

Rey was lost, but she wasn’t. She knew exactly where she was, the familiar and lonely desert of Jakku was spread out around her, although it looked different somehow. She had known her little space of Jakku like the back of her own hand, but this seemed unfamiliar, in a way that caused anxiety and fear to rise in her.

She remembered them hurting Ben, Hux’s threat to kill him, and then…nothing. And now she was alone, like she had been all of those days before, in the middle of an expanding desert, surrounded by heat and sand.

She tried to walk, to move, but she couldn’t make her feet work, they seemed to be sunken too far into the sand.

“Help! Someone help me!”

Her screams echoed across the dunes, as they had done all those years ago.  She felt her lungs constrict as panic started to rise.

“Help! Help! Someone!” She thrashed against the impacting sand, but she couldn’t create enough space to lift, and she only seemed to be sinking further into the sand. Would she die here? Was she, after all of this, destined to join her parents, consumed by the Jakku desert.”

She could hear screaming in the distance, tortured screams filled with pain, and another voice, calling out to her. A familiar one. Familiar just like this place, but that she couldn’t seem to navigate.

“I’m here!” She screamed out. “I’m here!”

“Rey! Stop!”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she wanted to yell back. “I’m right here… please don’t leave…”

The sand was up to her shoulders now. Something was wrong, she was getting lost. Soon, no one would ever be able to find her. And then before she disappeared entirely, she felt a hand clasp around her wrist.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking with the story! I'm not sure how long it will be yet :) but thanks for reading!

Chapter 10

 

When the Falcon returned to the hangar, Finn rushed to meet it. He didn’t know if Kylo Ren would be with her, or if she had come to her senses and abandoned the rescue mission, and frankly, it had seemed far less important than the fact that the Falcon had returned. That excitement was replaced with confusion when Chewie appeared at the top of the ramp, an unconscious Rey in his arms.

He rushed forward.

“Chewie what happened is she…”

“She’s alive…”  Finn’s eyes darted up to the top of the ramp, his hands curled into tight fists. He didn’t need to see the person obscured by Chewie’s hulking form.

“You…” He growled. He tried to push past Chewie. But Chewie moved in front of him and let out a low, surprisingly threatening growl, though his eyes remained soft and friendly.

“It’s okay, Uncle Chewie,” said Ben. “Even in my state, I don’t think he’s much of a threat to me…”

Chewie turned around, this time lobbying a glare and threatening growl toward Ben.                    

“He’s right though,” said Ben, slowly. “You should get Rey to whatever medical bay you have here,” he looked around the shoddy hangar. “As minimal as it may be,” he added with a sneer.

Chewie stepped around Finn, giving the two men a weary look before continuing down the ramp. The two stared at each other for a long moment; Finn with anger and Ben with contemptuous amusement.

“Are you going to kill me, FN-2187? After Rey risked her life to save me? That doesn’t seem like a good use of Resistance resources…”

“It’s Finn,” he growled. “And you’re lucky that Rey has some bizarre commitment to you or I’d…”

“You’d what,” asked Ben, stepping closer to him. “Challenge me to another dual… _Finn._ If I remember correctly you barely made it out of the last one alive, I’d hate for you to push your luck again...”

“Oh goody,” said another voice, one that made Ben’s eyes want to roll back into his head. “You made it.”

Poe stepped up behind Finn, putting a hand on his shoulder. Fin felt his anger abate slightly, the tension leaving his jaw and shoulders.

“I think we can all agree that right now, we don’t want to cause a panic, huh,” asked Poe, with a nod. “So let’s pretend we don’t want to kill each other for a few minutes until we can get somewhere less public.”

Finn looked from Poe back to Ben.

“Fine,” he said. “But you’re going to tell us everything.”

“Why don’t you go check on Rey,” said Poe, jerking his head in the direction that Chewie had gone. Finn nodded slowly and then turned, stalking off in the direction of the med bay.

“Sooo,” said Poe. “You look like hell…”

“Yes,” he said. “The past few days have been hellish.”

“Yeah,” he said, nodding and looking around, awkwardly. “So, no one knows you’re here,” he said. “Which is probably good until we get this sorted out, you know there’s more than one person here would wouldn’t mind making you our first Resistance execution.”

“I can imagine.”

Poe sighed and raked a hand through his hair.

“Honestly, I’m not sure what to do with you,” he said. “A week ago I would have shot you on sight, but…I don’t think that’s the appropriate reaction…for now. You have the weird family thing, and the weird Rey thing, and nothing about this is clear to me. I’m torn between a desire to lock you up in a cell and to thank you for saving my life.  But, for now, you look dead on your feet, so you should come to the med bay too.” He motioned for Ben to follow him. “But after we get you checked out, Finn’s right, it’s time to start explaining.”

Ben made a move to step past him but Poe held up a hand, and then folded it out into a palm.

“I’m not holding your hand, Dameron,” said Ben.

Poe let out a surprised laugh. “Was that a joke?”

“No I was very serious…”

“Weapons, Solo,” he said. “I can’t have you walking around this place armed and you know that.”

Ben clenched his jaw and drew a sharp breath. He had taken the time to retrieve his lightsaber from what remained of Hux’s person.  He had felt naked without it and had no desire to part with it again. But all the same, Ben reached down to his pants and unclipped the saber from his belt, and laid it down in Ben’s palm.

“Don’t lose it,” he said, before stepping past Poe and fully exiting the Falcon.

The two men walked in complete silence all the way to the med bay. It wasn’t until Poe was getting ready to leave that he froze in the door, and opened his mouth, immediately closing it. Ben looked at him a mixture of annoyance and confusion on his face.

“Uh…I’m sorry,” said Poe, his voice quiet and muffled. “I’m sorry about Le…Gener…your..”

The realization dawned in Ben’s eyes and as quickly as it came hurried away, and he offered a stiff nod before turning away from Poe and going into the med bay. Poe waited outside for a moment, knowing what was about to happen.

“Three…two…one…”

“POE!” The door flung open and Finn came stomping out, closely followed by Rose.

“Hey keep it down,” said Poe, pointing at the window that looked in on the sparsely supplied room. “We got sick people here…”

“Yeah, and I’m starting to think you’re a little sick in the head.”

“Oh Finn, that hurts, buddy.”

“I am not laughing, Poe,” he said, his voice low.

“You should,” said Poe, flashing him a disarming smile. “You have a good one…”

Finn inhaled deeply and let out a big, jagged breathe, weighing his next words carefully.

“Are we seriously, wasting medical supplies, and a bed and food on…him!?”

Poe shrugged.

“I don’t know what to tell you Finn,” he said. “I don’t love the situation either, but to be honest, having another Force-sensitive person, who is not a child, and already trained, could prove to be very useful.”

“He’s KYLO REN!”

Poe rolled his eyes, frustrated.

“Not to Rey. To Rey, he’s Ben Solo…”

“Rey isn’t exactly in her right mind right now,” said Finn, the frustration given way to sad desperation as he spoke. “Poe she’s been off lately…”

“I know,” said Poe. “It doesn’t make sense, none of this does, but I have…I’m trusting my instincts here. And he…” Poe paused and let out a sigh before gesturing toward the med bay.  “…he did his damndest to save Leia.”

“Oh, so he’s not a completely soulless monster,” said Finn, throwing out his hands in an exaggerated gesture of resignation. “He slaughtered whole villages and killed his father without hesitating but at least he draws the line at matricide, let’s roll out the welcome mat and give him a hero’s welcome.”

“Come on Finn,” said Poe. “Don’t be dramatic, no one is actually suggesting we throw him a homecoming parade, the cost alone would be…”

“That’s not what he meant, Poe,” said Rose. “And you know it, so stop being intentionally obtuse.”

Finn nodded and began to speak, but Rose turned toward him too.

“And you,” she said, pointing her finger upward. “Poe’s right. Stop being dramatic and stop being purely emotional about this. We read you loud and clear, you hate him and want him gone. But the fact is that he’s here. The fact is he saved Poe and tried to save the General. The fact is that he killed Snoke and saved Rey’s life in the process. The fact is that Rey, apparently, pulled off a very risky rescue to get him here. You can hate him,” she said, putting a hand on Finn’s arm and looking at him with deep sympathy. “You have every right too. I think most of us do. But that can’t be the only thing we consider.”

She looked through the window at the two broken warriors, laid out on the stiff beds. Poe and Finn waited patiently for her to speak, seeing the weighing and considering happening behind her gaze. Finally she turned back to them. “It doesn’t help anyone to execute an already deposed Supreme Leader of the First Order, especially when he willingly deposed himself. I don’t want us to be like the First Order where we make examples of our enemies. And, I think…I think it’s important for the galaxy to see that there’s a way for our enemies to become our allies.  If they see us executing our defected enemies then they don’t have much of a reason to cast their lot with us.”

“So that’s it then,” interrupted Finn. “No consequences, nothing…”

“Of course not,” said Rose. “But look around Finn. We will lose, unless something drastic happens, we will lose, and all of this will have been for nothing. We are running dangerously low on miracles and luck, and if the former Jedi-trained, right hand to Snoke, ex-Supreme Leader of the First Order, wants to defect to the Resistance then I’m not sure that that’s something that we can afford to turn up our noses at Finn.”

Finn’s eyes frantically moved between Rose and Poe for a moment, before his whole body sagged in resignation.

“You’re not wrong, Finn,” said Rose softly. “I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just…I don’t really know what options we have here.”

Finn nodded, curt and cold.

“I’m going to go check on Rey, “he said finally, storming pass his two friends and back into the med bay.

“Should one of us go watch him,” asked Poe.

Rose shook her head.

“No,” she said. “I think he knows we are right too, even if he doesn’t like it.”

Poe stared forward watching as Finn pulled a chair up to Rey, now with several tubes flowing from her, pumping medicine and sedatives throughout her body. His back was to Ben, who was doing a good job ignoring him as well, as the medic slathered him in bacta.

“Do you really think we are right,” he asked.

Rose hugged herself tightly and let out a low, weary breath.

“I hope so, Poe. I really hope so.”

******************

The first time Ben woke up from his sedative- induced sleep was to the sound of Rey screaming, he was too tired to lift his head, his body weighed down with exhaustion. He saw Finn standing up, a look of pure torture and worry on his face as the medics attempt to force her arms down and pump her full of more sedatives.

He could also see someone else standing beside Finn, though the sleepy haze made the shape hard to make out, though he felt whoever it was more then he could see them, he had the feeling several times before. He wanted to call out, to let someone know…but his mouth wouldn’t listen to the commands of his brain, and he slipped back into unconsciousness.

He awoke again, a second time. Finn was still there, half asleep from the look of him, the dark presence, whatever was still there too, strong and oppressive. He could hear Rey sobbing, her voice muttering over and over again, “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry.”

He wanted to call out, to tell her it was okay. He attempted to reach out through the Force to calm her riotous emotions, but the sedatives were making it difficult, and that Other, that thing that had taken hold of Rey, that presence was shoving back on him, pushing him away from Rey.

And, right now, he didn’t have the strength to push back. But he would. The bacta was healing his broken body, the fluids and nutrition being pumped into his body were restoring him, and then he would be able to help her, to save her… like she had saved him.

He didn’t know how long he was asleep before he woke up again, but when he did, he felt rested and his energy slightly renewed. His body no longer felt like lead, and they had started to wean him off of the sedatives, allowing him to feel more present and in control of his body. He looked over at Rey, who was still asleep. He wondered if it was from the sedatives or from the toll that that kind of power took on a body.

Now there were three gathered around Rey’s bed, Finn, Poe and a young woman he didn’t recognize, they were talking in hushed, severe tones.

“…I get it,” said Poe. “But you can bet that the First Order isn’t going to take this lying down. They already had a target on Rey, and after this…” Poe looked at Rey. “Hux hates looking like an idiot and the fact that one woman snuck onto his ship and broke a prisoner out, he’s not going to be very rational. He’ll blow up planets just to make an example of her.”

“Well,” interrupted Ben, his voice low and deep with sleep. “The thing about that is…” he sat up in bed, his body crackling and popping as he stretched out his spine and his neck. The group turned to look at him, startled by his interruption. “Hux won’t be looking for Rey, I can guarantee you of that.”

Finn let out a snort of laughter. “Oh yes, because Hux is known for not holding onto his grudges…”

Ben let out a small involuntary laugh at the happy accident of Finn’s words.

“Well, no, but Hux is no longer holding onto anything, on account of his being without arms, and, well, being dead and all.”

Poe’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Wait…what?”

“Hux is extremely dead,” repeated Ben.  “Along with most of the First Order military.”

Finn stood and stalked over to Ben.

“All right,” he said. “I think it’s time for you to start talking.”

********

For the first time in a long time, Ben could actually say he was “enjoying” something. The way Finn, Poe and the young woman squirmed in his presence, their ambivalence and uncertainty, and the war between wanting to be hospitable while simultaneously feeling hate and fear for him, was amusing to say the least. 

 “So, because of this bond,” said Finn, the word bitter on his tongue, “between you and Rey. Hux was able to use you as bait.”

“Yes,” said Ben, slowly. “It’s apparently a time-tested way to deter would-be Jedi from their goals, one my own grandfather employed to lure Luke away from his Jedi-training,” he shrugged and leaned back in his chair, his hands folded casually across his torso. “One reason among many, Jedi aren’t supposed to form attachments I suppose.”

“And how exactly did Hux find out about this bond,” asked Finn. “Did you write about in your diary?”

Ben leaned forward in his chair and raised a finger. “First, it’s a journal, not a diary,” he said. He lifted another finger. “Second, I keep it hidden in a very secret place that Hux could never find.”

“Do you think you’re funny,” asked Finn.

“Funny? No, I wouldn’t call myself funny. I think my humor tends more acerbic wit…”

Finn slammed his hands down on the table, making Poe and Rose jump.

“I am sick to death of no one taking anything seriously around here,” he said. “I want answers from you. Real answers, answers that can convince me that we shouldn’t throw your ass in a jail cell or jettison you into outer space.”

“Well perhaps if you would let me finish and stop interrupting me with stupid questions…” Ben bit back, his own frustration rearing its head.

“Okay…Ben,” said Rose, raising her voice slightly over the heightened voice. “Please continue. We want to know what happened.”

 _Good_ , thought Ben. _At least there is someone around here with a bit of sense besides Rey._

“And upon finding about the bond, Hux thought he could exploit it and he was right. Rey came right into the lion’s den…” he ignored Finn’s contemptuous exhale and continued. “And then that’s when things got…out of control.”

“What do you mean by that,” asked Rose, looking at him intently.

“We were seconds away from execution and…” his voice faltered. Would Rey want him to tell them? Was it his to tell or was it something she would rather pretend didn’t happen. He fiddled with the holocube in the pocket of his pants before pulling it out and placing it on the table. “I’m assuming unless you are all idiots that you know that Rey hasn’t been herself lately.”

“Yeah we know,” said Finn. “She’s _our_ friend remember.”

“Yes, well, whatever is wrong is more serious than any of us have thought,” he said. “There’s something very strong in the Force, both dark and light, and it’s taken up residence somehow in some part of Rey’s psyche. And whatever control it has on her has been getting stronger and stronger.”

“That’s a thing,” she asked in disbelief. “You can just use the Force to set up camp inside someone’s consciousness?”

“Well it’s not a usual thing,” said Ben. “The Force can be used to read people, influence people and the like, but not to this extent. I haven’t heard or Jedi or Sith with that kind of power, which makes me think it is something specific to whatever the being is that’s been doing this.”

“Okay,” said Poe. “And what does this have to do with how you escaped and why Rey is still unconscious and sedated?”

Ben’s eyes flickered down to the holocube.  He needed to show them. They needed to know the full extent of what was going on, to know that he wasn’t lying to them. He hated having to seek that affirmation from them, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to help Rey effectively without it.

“They wanted to preserve our execution for posterity,” he said. “You know, a great rallying cry for the First Order, a threat to their enemies and the like.” He paused and looked up at Rey’s friends, suddenly feeling a wave of worry for Rey. He was used to carnage and death and brutality, and it still had frightened him. How would her friends react? “I…I didn’t want the recording getting out so I retrieved it before we made our escape.”

He activated the cube, which projected out a clear picture of the room, the surrounding military and troopers, and there, in the center, Rey and Ben.

“It’s….just…just prepare yourselves,” he said, before turning his eyes back to the projected screen. It was surreal watching it again, this time with distance and knowing the end. Despite his anxiety over what was happening to Rey, this time, he was able to admire the display of power, the brutal dance that Rey spun around her enemies.

He chanced a few glances at Rey’s friends. The woman, Rose, she looked on, her mouth slightly agape, the traitor, Finn, wore a mix of surprise and sorrow, and the pilot, Poe, looked on impassive and analytical…until the moment when they heard the flesh of Hux’s limb’s twist and snap at Rey’s direction. Matching gasps of surprise and imagined pain followed the brutal act.

When the brutal scene finally ended, the group sat in silence. Ben gave them a moment to process before speaking again.

“As you can see…”

“Something’s wrong with her,” said Finn, his voice sad

Ben nodded. “Yes, something is wrong.  She’s all but taken care of the First Order high command for you. It will take a little bit for news to spread but when it does, you’ll see allies deserting their cause now that they are without leadership, the planets that were under First Order rule on the outer rims will be thrown into chaos, criminal organizations will take advantage of that vacuum of power. So that is certainly something that you all will need to consider, but right now, I’m afraid what’s happening to Rey may take precedent, not only on a personal level but a galactic level…”

No need to share with them that he had been hearing voices of his own, his pesky Force guides who have been suspiciously silent since he was taken captive. He would share that with Rey when the time was right and if it was at all pertinent, which he was beginning to think that it likely was extremely pertinent.

“There’s been a shift in the Force, it’s been growing progressively more clear since Rey’s awakening. I think that with her, something else awoke; something powerful enough to do what it’s doing, and clever enough to go unnoticed until now.”

Poe sighed and raked a hand through his hair. They should be celebrating; with many of the deep pockets of the First Order now cut open from the bottom, the Resistance, only hours ago hanging on by a thread, now was facing the prospect of imminent victory. But there was no celebration in the room, no time to joy in the fact that their enemies had been dispatched, because now something else, was on the horizon. Possibly more threatening than the First Order.

“So…how do we stop it,” asked Finn. “How do we stop what’s happening?”

“I don’t know,” said Ben.

“Well you better start figuring it out,” said Finn. “Because our one reason for keeping you around is looking less and less like a problem now that the First Order is bleeding to death.”

Ben raised an eyebrow.

“I know you hate me,” he said. “But if you are hoping to lead the Resistance into an actual governing body then you’ll need to learn to stop making decisions out of passion and emotion.”

Finn snorted. “That’s rich coming from you. When I was cleaning up on the Supremacy pretty sure half of my job was cleaning up the wreckage of your temper tantrums.”

“Yes,” said Ben, calmly. “And I lasted all of five seconds as Supreme Leader, and the same will be said of your New Republic if you do not take the time to step back and consider the pieces you have. Do you really suppose that I have nothing to offer in regards to what is happening to Rey, a powerful force-user, trained in both the dark and the light could offer nothing?”

“So you’re going to help us, “asked Rose.

“If by us you mean the Resistance? No. If by us you mean Rey, then yes.”

Poe looked at Finn from the corner of his eyes, as if checking the emotions in the former trooper.

“Why,” asked Finn, his voice calmer then it had been the whole night. “Why would you help? What…I am still finding it hard to believe that you have completely turned your back on…on what you have spent your life killing to build.”

“You did,” said Ben, leaning forward, meeting Finn’s gaze with intensity. “It took one moment for you to decide that you wanted nothing to do with the First Order.” Ben’s mouth quirked into a smirk. “You sent Hux and Phasma into a whirlwind trying to figure out what defect made you break past your training, grooming and processing just like that. They had had no problems with you before, you displayed no propensity toward disobedience or rebellion, yet…”

“And what did they find out,” asked Finn, his jaw clenching under his skin.

“The most terrifying truth of all,” said Ben. “That, no matter how hard you try, people just won’t be controlled forever.”

“The problem with that is that you were doing the controlling,” said Finn.

“That’s partly true, and partly not,” said Ben But he didn’t offer anything else. He would help in order save Rey, but sharing his past with strangers, that was not a part of the deal.  In truth, part of what he was saying was true, but there was something else that he didn’t want to share with them, something much more frightening. The truth that he simply didn’t know what caused this shift in him. His psyche had always been a battlefield where the light and the dark battled it out, but they had always been well matched, with a slight edge given to the dark. But the past few weeks, independent of any of his own effort, it seemed that the light always at war within him had experienced in inexplicable spike in strength, at times taking over despite his own best efforts to keep it at bay. And even that, his desire to fight it, had significantly slackened.

He put some of the blame on Rey, but he knew it was more than that.

“So, what do we do,” she asked. “What do we do next?”

“We wait for Rey to recover,” said Ben. “And then we talk. I’ll spend some time in meditation and see if I can speak with Luke.”

“Think he’ll be scurrying across the great beyond to chat with the guy that wanted to murder him,” asked Poe.

“His last were words were essentially a promise to infuriate me from the grave,” said Ben. “I’m just cashing in on that promise.” Ben turned back to Finn. “How much has Rey told you about what is happening to her?”

“Not much,” said Finn, his voice filled with regret. “She’s been really private since she saved us on Crait. She started talking about how she felt like she was really struggling to connect with the Force.”

Ben nodded. Yes, Rey had told him that too, but he leaned toward not going into details about their late-night intimate Force-bonds.

“…Then it was really bad when she got back from searching for other Force-sensitives, “said Poe. “She was really not herself. She lashed out at everyone, she lost control and Force shoved the hell out of Finn.”

Ben squinted, he was trying to remember something, something that was trying desperately to be forgotten. Something about their last Force-bond, something obscured in shadow and fog, the harder he tried to remember the more distant it became.

“It’s been just flashes of that kind of possession on the hologram,” said Rose. “Nothing that bad, but certainly moments where it wasn’t Rey. Honestly there is just so much we don’t understand about the Force, I just thought it had something to do with that. I was hoping bringing in the new Force-sensitive child would help give her something to focus on…”

The child.

The darkness that had pushed him away on the First Order command ship, it was the same darkness that he had felt on their last Force bond. The presence he had felt with Rey…

“Where is the child now,” asked Ben, suddenly on his feet.

“What,” asked Poe. “What’s going on?”

“Where is she,” he repeated, his voice demanding and urgent.

“Probably with Rey,” said Finn. “She hasn’t left her side since…”

Ben was running toward the door before Finn could finish.

“Well I guess we should go with him,” said Poe. “We can’t have him running around the base like a madman on a whim.”

Ben was cursing at himself as he ran. Whatever it was that had latched onto Rey was powerful, powerful enough to obscure herself with the Force, powerful enough to ease him into forgetfulness without his knowledge. He could see the darkness clinging to Rey during their bond, and he had seen it in whatever creature had interrupted their bond. And it had been allowed to wander the base, to spend hours beside her bed without interruption, who knew how deep it’s hooks had sunk into her.

Ben burst through the door of med bay and froze for a split second in fear and confusion at the sight before him. The girl was crouched over Rey’s body, her face inches from Rey, taking deep breathes, with every breathe he felt Rey’s Force signature weaken and her life force dim.

When Ben entered the room, the girl’s head swiveled wickedly toward him, her eyes pure black as Rey’s had been, a twisted toothy grin spread across her face.

Ben reached out and flung the girl’s body away from Rey. She let out a feral hiss of anger as she took control of the Force being used against her and lifted herself up onto the top of one of the cabinet’s.

“Oh it’s you,” she muttered, the voice coming from her didn’t match. The girl was small and young, but the voice was mature, and weighted. “You are proving to be quite an annoyance, Solo. Despite your role in precipitating Rey’s assimilation.”

“Assimilation? Who the hell are you…what are ta…”

Ben turned when he heard the door slam open again to find Poe and Finn looking at him annoyed and confused.

“What the hell, Solo...” started Poe, then his eyes widened and his mouth opened to shout a warning but before he could, Ben was on the ground, the girl grinning down at him. He tried to move but he was pinned to the ground. He struggled against his Force constraints that wrapped around him like tentacles.

“Sitari,” called Finn, running toward them. “What are you…”

Finn was flown back into the wall, slamming hard into one of the beds and sinking to the ground. This immediately set Poe into action. He drew his blaster out and pointed it toward her.

“Get off of him, right now,” he said. Sitari looked up and snarled at Poe, an inhuman growl growing from the back of her throat. She jerked her head and the blaster flew from his hand across the room.

Ben took advantage of the moment to Force fling Sitari off of him, long enough to roll out from under her, but Ben knew that wouldn’t last long, Force-to-Force, he was no match for whatever this creature was. It would be by sheer luck of the moment that Ben would be able to best her. He wondered if he could get her monologuing?

“Who are you,” he asked. “And what are you doing to Rey?”

She chortled. Good sign, laughs usually preceded a lengthy description of one’s glory.

“I am saddened, young Solo,” she said, her grin twisting impossibly large, seeming to stretch out beyond the confines of her face, it looked as though whatever skin was encasing her was cracking from the power that was bursting within in. “I would have assumed your uncle would have told you all about me. After all, he and I did battle on more than one occasion.”

“We were hardly what you’d call close,” said Ben. “I wasn’t as delighted with his tales of adventure as the other padawan’s.”

She laughed wickedly and looked at Ben appraisingly. “Is that why he wanted to kill you in your sleep?”

Ben tried not to give away any surprise at her public revelation of his past.

“Neat trick,” he said. “You know all about me but I don’t even know your name.”

“Oh honey,” she said. “You won’t be alive long enough to know my name.”

Ben felt the constriction of the force around his throat, the sensation he had so delighted in inflicting on Hux, but had yet to experience first-hand. He felt himself be jerked into the air, by the invisible hand crushing against his windpipe.

But it was only a few seconds before he was dropped ceremoniously to the floor and the creature let out a small cry of pain. They turned toward Finn whose own blaster bolt had grazed the shoulder of the girl. Ben took the moment to send her flying back with a Force wave and then pulled the wall behind her crashing down onto her. Finn immediately leapt forward, moving the bed where Rey still lay asleep out of reach of the creature and Ben ran toward the pile of rubble, but the pieces of wall and brick were flown back at Ben, who batted them out of the way as Sitari emerged from the pieces of the wall. Ben reached out to attempt a Force choke of his own but he felt a wave of power push the Force back. He clenched his teeth and pushed back in return, barely creating enough Force to keep her Force wave from reaching him. He tried to pull from all his rage, his anger, his hate and his passion, but it wasn’t enough, she was advancing on him, pushing him back as she moved forward like a gale force wind he could only brace himself against.

Passion…

Hate…

Emotion...

Peace…

Calm…

Quiet….

It was enough of a shift, a change she wasn’t prepared for that she stumbled backwards in surprise, and that was all that was needed as he heard the crackling of his lightsaber come to life and then the crimson blade emerge from her chest. Ben looked up and saw Poe standing behind Sitari, both hands closed tightly around the grip of the weapon.

 Sitari let out a shriek of pain that made Ben’s blood chill. She twisted and cried at the end of the saber for a few moments before letting out one last gasping cry and falling forward off of lightsaber and onto the ground.

The three men stood there wide-eyed, staring at the crumpled body.

Finally, Finn spoke through his heaving breathes, “What…the…hell… was that thing?”

Behind them they heard a grasping, panic gasp as Rey shot up in her bed, making them all jump in fear. Poe whipped around toward the sound, the saber buzzing to life again. Rey looked around the room, her mouth and eyes wide as she took in the wrecked med bay and the odd assembling of people in the room.

“Sitari’s dead, isn’t she,” she said.

“Yes,” said Ben slowly.

“She wasn’t…she wasn’t what she was pretending to be was,” she said, her voice trailing off as it moved from a question to a statement.

“No,” said Finn, shaking his head. “She tried to kill us…”

She looked around, blinking rapidly as if trying to clear out cobwebs from her eyes.

“Why does Poe have a lightsaber,” she finally asked.

Poe looked down at the still-humming weapon, and then back up at Rey.

“You’ve been unconscious so long that we thought it would be good to have another Jedi,” he said twirling it casually. “So Ben here has been training me in the ways of the Force, that way you can become the best pilot in the Resistance and I can be the Resistance Jedi.”

Rey let out a small laugh, though it was a tentative one. She looked down at her hands, and then felt the back of her neck. Ben could feel the confusion storming around her, and he braced himself in preparation for her questions.

“I gotta admit,” said Poe, giving Ben’s saber another experimental twirl. “It’s a lot sleeker then a blaster.”

“Yeah, why don’t you turn it off before you put an eye out,” said Finn. Poe shrugged and then turned it off.

Rey finally turned her eyes fully on Ben. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes tightly and then opened them again.

“What happened,” she finally asked. “I know something happened, but I’m confused. How did we escape from the First Order ship?”

Finn and Poe looked at Ben, who was looking intently at Rey.

“You saved me, Rey,” he said. “I would have certainly been killed but you saved me, that’s what you…”

“Ben…” she interrupted, her gaze desperate and fearful. “Please…tell me what I did.”


	12. Chapter 11

 

Chapter 11

 

Rey felt numb, or else she felt so many things she didn’t know what to feel.

She felt afraid, angry, deeply ashamed and deeply violated. Her body did not feel like her own, at best a stranger that she didn’t know, at worse an enemy that she couldn’t trust.

She knew she had done something, but she never imagined it would be so brutal, so ugly, and so vicious. She knew that something had taken over her, and to some degree, she had invited it; but she would never have imagined that she was capable of what she had done.

It had taken a long while to pry the truth from her friends. And she could sense that Ben was hiding elements of it. He had been extremely reluctant to show her the hologram, Finn had all but begged her not to watch it, assured her that it wouldn’t do any good, for her or anybody. She wished that she had listened to him.

She would have been spared the embarrassment of vomiting in front of her friends, and she wouldn’t have those images burned into her brain.

But she had watched it and they were. She saw the inhuman things she was capable of, she saw the reason that Luke had recoiled from her darkness. Finn had tried to hug her but she stepped away from him, Rose tried to assure her that whatever it was, it wasn’t her. But she also knew that there was a darkness in her, one that she has never really bothered to fight, one that she accepted as part of her, and perhaps it had caused this, summoned whatever force or being or creature that had lodged itself inside of her.

She knew Sitari, or whoever that was, was dead. But she still felt that presence, and the longing and aching that it brought with it. It made her sick with guilt, but she missed Sitari, and the simple love and devotion and belonging she brought with her. Despite what it did to her, she felt deeply that it was sincere, and she missed the void that it filled inside her.

Now she just felt empty.

Empty and completely alone. She knew she didn’t have to be alone. There were people outside of her room, people who loved her and wanted to help. But she couldn’t bring herself to leave her room. All she wanted to do was curl up on her bed in the dark of her room, it was all she had the energy to do. 

Outside there was an expectation of hope, and she had none. Outside, there was people who knew what she did, people she had to look in the eye and know that they knew the atrocities she was capable of, and she didn’t have the energy to see the war between love and fear at play in their eyes. They still loved her, she knew that.  But they feared her too, as they should. She was unstable, brimming with a power that she didn’t understand, unraveling beneath it all.

And there could be more casualties if she stepped outside of her room. She knew there would be more casualties if they tried to fight whatever it was that was becoming inside of her. Right now, she could bottle it up, contain it, suppress it. It was almost unbearable.

Almost.

******

Ben wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting; long enough for his crossed legs to start tingling, and long enough to painfully remind him how long it had actually been since he had meditated. It had been a regular part of his training with Luke, he would meditate for hours and they would go by in a blink.

But as of late he had been less consistent with the discipline, and it was showing. He was distracted, uncomfortable, and every little noise within a 10 mile radius seemed able to penetrate the walls of the tiny room that had been grudgingly allotted to him. Finn was torn between a desire to not let Ben out of his sight and a desire to do everything necessary to help Rey. When Ben explained what he was doing, Finn yielded.

But so far it had not been particularly helpful. He closed his eyes and petulantly reached back to dust the cobwebs from Luke’s training; he was surprised to find it relatively accessible.

“Go to a place of calm,” Luke had told him. “Quiet your thoughts, your emotions, and just be. Recognize that those things that were weighing on you, those things that haunt you, they are vapor, it’ll all go to the dust, like everything else.” Ben felt a sense of calmness rush over him, a calmness he was never able to achieve as a young boy. “Feel your breath, feel the way your lungs are working to keep you alive without your ability to make them work or not, your heart is beating, your cells are working together to keep you alive, and you have no power over it, it’s all the Force. Let go of your desire to control and just be…”

Ben sat in the freedom of that, in the truth of powerlessness that ran contrary to every single thing that Snoke taught him.

“…Hey Kid…”

Ben opened his eyes, slowly, the pale blue glow filled his room. Luke was sitting across from him, cross-legged and peaceful, his gaze was kind, if not a bit amused.

“Hello, uncle.”

“Didn’t think that I would be hearing from you anytime soon,” said Luke.

“Really,” asked Ben skeptically.

“No,” he said. “I knew you’d come around eventually.”

“Of course, you did.”

“But to be honest, I am surprised at how soon you have come around,” he said, looking around. “I mean I’ve only just begun to settle in and suddenly you’re pulling me back…”

“No one made you come,” said Ben, annoyance biting at his voice. Luke let out a small chuckle and regarded Ben with genuine affection.

“What do you need, Ben,” he said finally.

“It’s Rey,” said Ben, his voice tense. “She’s…there’s something after her, something incredibly strong in both the light and the dark side of the Force. For a while it was hiding in the shadows, calling out to Rey, drawing her away from her friends and her mission. I could sense it as a darkness that was growing inside of her, but also as if a different being all together was possessing Rey.”

Ben watched as Luke listened impassively, nodding and making small noises of understanding, but he had yet to interrupt.

“It got much worse when whatever it is took the form of a little girl. Rey was quite attached to her, and she to Rey. But it seemed to give whatever it is more access to Rey; she grew paranoid and angry, lashing out at her friends.” He paused and bit his lip. “And then…when she…she came to rescue me…whatever it was took full control of her…” he leaned forward intently, his voice and gaze suddenly urgent. “Uncle, I have never seen anything like it. She commanded the Force with more ease then I have ever seen, and she was brutal in her assault. She made easy work of a room of troopers and First Order military, stomped them out like insects.” Ben saw for the first time a look of fear in Luke’s eyes, a flicker as if remembering something while Ben spoke. “We killed the girl,” said Ben slowly. “She was doing something to Rey, and when we caught her she turned on us, it was sheer dumb luck that we managed to run her through with a saber. But whatever it is, it’s still there in Rey. I tried to look, and that same entity pushed me out, so whatever the girl was…”

“An avatar…”

“What?’

“The child,” said Luke slowly. “She was an avatar. Someone that she killed long ago and was using like a puppet. Likely chosen because she knew that Rey would feel a connection with an orphan girl.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and nodded his head.

“So, you _do_ know her? She spoke quite fondly of you.”

“Yes, I know of her.”

“What is it uncle?”

“A powerful evil,” said Luke, his voice low. “She is right. I have fought her many times and have never been able to fully vanquish her. Long ago, your grandfather, while he was still Anakin, encountered a planet known as Mortis; a place strong in the Force, both light and dark, believed by some to be the very place where the Force originated. There he met the Ones, powerful Force wielders, who manipulated and drew from the Force like no other. They existed as the Father, the Son and The Daughter. The Son was strong in the dark side of the Force, the Daughter the light, the Father kept an uneasy balance between his children in Mortis, but he feared if they ever left, it would do unimaginable damage to the galaxy. While my father was there, the Son gave himself fully to the dark side, and during the fight to keep him within the bounds of Mortis, the Father, the Daughter and the Son were all killed; two of them by the Dagger of Mortis.”

“So, all of them were killed…”

Luke closed his eyes, and rested his head in hands, somehow weary even as ghost. Ben wondered if Force spirits could be tired.

“Not all of them,” said Luke softly. “There is another…”

“Of course there is,” said Ben. “Wouldn’t be a good story if there wasn’t.”

“Do you want to tell the story, then, smart guy?”

Ben rolled his eyes and motioned for Luke to keep going.

“Long before they came to Mortis, they lived on another planet, with a mortal woman, the Servant to the Ones. She served them faithfully and soon became the Mother. At first she was good, kind, and played an important role in bringing peace between the Father and his feuding children.  But she was terrified of her own immortality; she saw the family she loved frozen in time, and she was aging every day. This fear that she would one day be without her family, drove her to do something… unimaginable. There were two sources of power on the planet, both teeming with the Force; The Font of Power and the Pool of Knowledge. To become like her family, the Mother drank from the Font of Power and bathed in the Pool of Knowledge. But such power was never meant to be held within a mortal being, and so she changed. She got her wish, she became immortal, but not as the beloved Mother of the The Ones, but she became something else; something dark, and twisted. She became the Abeloth.”

“The Abeloth?”

“A creature powerful in both the Dark and Light side of the Force. The Ones imprisoned her, but whenever there occurred a disturbance in the Force, the Abeloth would draw on her powers and escape her prison, only to be defeated by the Ones. They existed in this way until the Ones died.”

“Without the Ones to check her…”

Luke nodded. “I had to intervene. It was a long battle, one that Forced me to take up arms with dark-side users as well as light, all of us understanding that the threat the Abeloth posed to the galaxy was too great. We weakened her through killing her avatars, allowing me the chance to defeat her.” Luke sighed heavily. “But I knew she wasn’t dead; weakened yes, but not dead. I believed then she had slunk off into the galaxy to heal, waiting for the next great disturbance in the Force. And now...”

“She’s awake,” said Ben.

“Awake and hungry it would seem,” affirmed Luke with a sad nod.

“And there’s…there’s no way to kill it.”

“I don’t know,” said Luke. “I can’t say for certain. But after fighting her the first time, I searched for the Planet Mortis, in order to obtain the Dagger, the one used to kill the Ones. If anything can kill the Abeloth, it’s that.”

“But you never found it?”

“Mortis is…it’s a mercurial sort of planet,” said Luke. “It moves at will, it appears at will, and it calls inexplicably to those powerful in the Force at will.”

“Calls,” said Ben, more to himself then to Luke.

 _“What are you doing here, Solo?”_  
  
“I told you there’s a different work you need to be doing…”

“I searched for Mortis, hoping to track down the dagger should the Abeloth rise gain. I failed. And even if I had found it.  But, I think it is your best hope for killing her.”

“What does she want with Rey,” asked Ben.

“I can only guess.  But the original need that led her to this place of madness was a fear of losing her family, of being alone and being left behind. At her core, as twisted and wicked as it has become, she wants to be loved. She likely sensed that same need in Rey, that along with Rey’s power, drew her like a magnet. I imagine she wants to procure a lasting companion in Rey.”

Ben nodded and looked down at the floor, briefly, processing the terrifying possibility.

“Ben,” said Luke, calling Ben’s attention forward. “You must find the Mortis blade, you have to finish what Anakin started…finish what I started. Otherwise, you will lose Rey, and you will lose the Galaxy. If she is allowed to rise, none of it will matter; none of it will survive her path of chaos and destruction.”

“She’s more powerful then me…”

“Yes,” said Luke. “She is. She can change her shape, she can manipulate, she can make you see things that aren’t real, things that are impossible. She plays on all your deepest fears and your more compelling desires.”  Luke looked at Ben intently. “You must remember that Ben, she is never what she seems. But her weakness…her weakness is her need; she has a pathological need to be loved and adored, she fears being alone, and something in Rey has called out to her, that is something you can take advantage of…”

“Rey’s not bait,” spat Ben, angrily, pulling away from his uncle angrily.  “If she dies then all of this will be for nothing.”

Luke looked at Ben sadly. “You’re growing nephew,” he said. “And it brings me so much joy to see that, but…”

“I think we are done,” said Ben, moving to stand, the thought of being congratulated on “how far he’s come” from his uncle made him all but want to run back to the dark side of the Force. He made a move to leave. But he stopped. He wasn’t quite finished yet.

 “I have another question,” he muttered, his fists clenched and looking down at the floor.

“Yes.”

“I’ve…I’ve always felt the conflict between the light and the dark. It’s been a part of who I am for as long as I have known what the Force was. There were times when the light was stronger, but most of the time the darkness was enough to fight it back. It happened quite suddenly that…”

“The light is stronger,” finished Luke.

Ben nodded, bracing himself for a look of smug satisfaction from Luke.

“You don’t think it has anything to do with Rey,” he asked, surprisingly devoid of amusement.

“I…of course it has something to do with that,” he said, his voice pressed through his clenched teeth, his body tense and uncomfortable, as though he were a teenager confessing a crush to his father. “Ever since Starkiller that pull to the light had been nearly equal to the pool to the dark. But something else has happened, there are brief moments where it feels like the pull to the dark is completely gone.”

“And that’s a problem,” asked Luke, this time with a smile in his voice.

“Well, it’s certainly concerning.”

“Think about it Ben,” he said. “You probably already know the answer to this; it has somewhat to do with Rey, but more than that it has to do with the Force, and you’re place in its attempt at balance.”

_Darkness rises, and light to meet it…_

Snoke’s voice, so long gone from being the dominant one in his head, echoed in his memory.

“The Abeloth is pulling Rey into the darkness,” Ben said, his voice soft.

“And so the Force is seeking a balance…in you, Ben. Rey is powerful in the Force, and the Force will seek an equal power to balance itself as she falls. She was your equal in the light, but as her balance tips toward the dark, yours will to the light.”

“I don’t want her to fall,” he said, the ache unintentionally coming through in his voice. “I thought I did once, but…”

“And the two of you will only become more powerful as you find balance within yourself,” said Luke. “Which you must do if you want to defeat her.”

Ben nodded. He was still standing, but his body was slowly losing its tension.

“You can do this, Ben,” said Luke slowly.

“I’m not going to lose her,” growled Ben.

“I hope you don’t,” said Luke. “I want you to have a future, but if you aren’t willing to go as far as you need to defeat the Abeloth then no one will have one.”

“What the hell does that mean,” he snapped.

“Remember the folly of your grandfather,” said Luke. “By trying so hard not to lose the one he loved, he lost everything. Don’t make the mistake he did.”

“I’m here for Rey,” said Ben slowly. “I’m not willing to accept any ending in which Rey isn’t there at the end of all of this.”

“I know, kid,” said Luke. “I know.”

Ben stood in silence for a moment before speaking up. “Thank you for the help, uncle. You can…go back to whatever…whatever it is that you do now that you’re…whatever you are.”

Luke let out a goodnatured chuckle.

“See you around, kid.”

Ben stepped toward the door, his back to his uncle.

“Ben…”

He froze, still not turning to look at Luke, bracing for whatever final words Luke was going to impart on him.

“It…it made your mother very happy…to see you again before…”

Ben opened the door and hurried out.  He wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to face that yet. He had no capacity to face what it meant to be the last living Skywalker, and he certainly was not in a place where he wanted to discuss it with his extraordinarily estranged uncle.

Not yet. Right now, there was too much at stake to think about anything else.

 

 


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone reading and leaving Kudos and comments :) Ya'll are awesome!

Chapter 12

“So....” Poe started slowly, looking across the table at Ben, breaking the thirty second silence that had fallen on the room after Ben concluded sharing what Luke had told him. “This is all just the work of an extremely needy creature…”

“An extremely needy, powerful and immortal force-wielding creature,” corrected Ben. “But essentially yes. She’s driven by her need for both chaos and companionship, nothing else matters.”

“And she’s chosen Rey for this,” said Finn.

“So, it would seem.”

“Why,” pressed Finn.

“Luke only had guesses,” said Ben. “But it could be a combination of her own power, especially if she is seeking to do more than just create a new family, if she’s actually seeking to…become one or assimilate in some way… it seems unlikely that a normal human could withstand it.”

“Then you should volunteer,” said Finn. “You’re all Force-y, I’m sure you’d be delightful company for all of eternity.”

Ben looked at Rey from the corner of his eye, before looking away, a slight blush creeping up to his ears. “I already thought of that,” said Ben. “But Rey’s strength in the Force outpaces mine…”

Rey hadn’t spoke, but she was listening with remarkable calm, taking in what Ben had said. Of course it was frightening, but it brought about a sort of calmness as well, now that they knew what was wrong, they could, perhaps, figure out a way to defeat it. And despite the selfishness of it, after all her descending into madness would be a far easier obstacle to overcome, she was somewhat relieved that there was an extremely-powerful Force-wielder behind all of this.  Though she couldn’t shake the feeling that her power had not been the only thing taken into consideration.

Lonely.

In need of place to belong.

Coping with power that she didn’t quite know how to manage.

Left behind by the people who should have loved her.

The way Luke had looked at her on Ach-Too.

The call to the darkness and to the light.

She had more in common with the Abeloth then just her strength in the Force.

And she had, in fact, felt belonging with Sitari. Granted, that could have been because of intense emotional and mental manipulation. She was certainly not her best self when the little girl was latched to her side, but she felt loved and seen.

“Rey…” she looked up at Rose, who was gently calling her out of her daze. “What are you thinking Rey?”

“I’m thinking,” she said, softly. “We have to find that planet Luke was talking about.”

“Mortis,” said Ben.

She nodded.

“How though,” asked Poe. “If we have no coordinates and no idea…”

“We do,” said Ben. “I’ve…I’ve seen it before.”

“Really,” asked Finn, his face lit up with hope for the first time in the last few hours. “Where?’

“Well…I mean I’ve seen it in a Force vision…”

Finn’s face immediately fell into a skeptical scowl and he leaned back into his chair. “Oh, well that seems a little less helpful.”

“Well I’m hear eagerly awaiting your contributions,” said Ben. “Whenever you feel like offering any.”

“Oh please, stop,” said Rose, her voice laced with annoyance. “Watching you too circle each other like equally unintimidating critters, quite literally, is the last thing I want to do right now. So let’s nip it in the bud, gentlemen.”

Rey smiled despite herself as the two men slumped back in their seats, neither arguing with Rose but still glaring at each other. It didn’t bother her so much. Of course, Finn didn’t trust him, why would he. The wounds the First Order had inflicted upon him were deep and personal. More than any of them, which was saying a lot, Finn had a front row seat for some of the First Order’s worst atrocities. She understood that he didn’t see the full picture yet. And Ben would just have to deal with that, frankly it was the most merciful punishment imaginable, considering what he had been guilty of in the past.

She looked at him closely, her head cocking to the side appraisingly. Scrubbed clean of any First Order insignia, clothed in whatever casual tunic and pants that were laying around that actually fit him, he looked almost the part of a Resistance fighter, almost- his tense shoulders and still slightly imperious gaze may give him away to the observant, but she liked the look of it all the same. She was glad he was here. More than glad. Whatever change that had occurred in him, whatever pieces of the splinter had been extracted, it was coming off of him in waves that were impossible to miss…at least for her. He was, of all things, calming.

That was a change she couldn’t account for. Calm was the last word anyone would use to describe him, yet her own spiraling seemed to slow when he was around. And with all of them together, despite the palpable tension, it almost seemed to cease all together.

Rey looked up to find Rose casting her own appraising gaze on her. Rey immediately turned in her seat, fully away from Ben and looked down at her hands on the table.

“Uh…yeah,” Rey started. “It seems like the only possible hope we have of killing it is to find that dagger. So if right now all we have to go on is Ben’s visions then that’s what we have.”

“That’s not it,” said Ben, squirming in his seat. “I also have…not just visions but…something or someone is…”

Rey looked at him amused. There were a few moments where she felt like she saw Ben Solo creeping through from behind the Kylo Ren shell; moments of insecurity, shyness, and even, at times earnestness.

“Ben,” she said, looking at him intently. “I promise whatever you are going to say is not as crazy as the fact that I have been routinely possessed in the past few weeks, so please just say it.”

“I’ve been hearing voices for a while…”

“Of course you have …” said Finn, earning him a quick elbow to the side from Rose.

“…And it’s been calling me, somewhere…I think it’s Mortis.”

“You think,” asked Poe.

“No,” said Ben, calmly. “I know that’s where it’s calling me. I didn’t know it at first, but when my uncle told me about Mortis, I knew immediately that’s what it was. He that’s how it happens, Mortis calls as the Force wills…”

“And it called to you?”

“Yes, as it called to my grandfather years ago,” said Ben, slowly. He looked from Poe to Finn, both looked deeply uncomfortable with the revelation. “The Force, it would seem, has a sense of humor.”

“And you’re going to help us,” said Poe. “You’re going to take us to Mortis, find that dagger, and help us kill this thing?”

Rey felt her body tense and she looked at Ben out of the corner of her eyes, only to find him unabashedly staring at her, as if she was the only person in the room, as if her friends, who hated him, weren’t sitting on the other side of the table. She felt her face flush under his gaze, and the blood thunder in her ears. She wanted someone to speak, to break the moment and the silence. She wasn’t ready to face whatever emotion was churning in her soul for the man sitting beside her, and the emotion she could sense coming from him, so unmistakable she was certain her friends could see it too.

After what felt like ages, he spoke, eyes still locked on her.

“It’s what I’m here to do,” he said.

“And we are just supposed to believe it,” said Finn, however this time, his voice was not bitter, but strong and straight-forward. “That you’re just good, all of the sudden?”

“No,” said Rey, her voice was firm but her eyes pleaded with Finn from across the table. “Not all of the sudden,” she said, leaning forward. “Please Finn, I get it. I do. I know why you don’t trust him, I would be worried if you were acting any other way about this. I get it. But I am asking you to suspend all logic right now, and just…trust me. Trust me when I tell you that I know…I know he’s going to help us.” Her eyes flickered slightly toward Ben again before looking at Finn. “And I need you to trust me when I say, I cannot do this without any of you, and that includes Ben. I can’t do this by myself.”

Poe looked from Rey to Finn. “He’s the only one who knows what’s going on right now,” said Poe. “If this thing is as powerful as he says, we can’t afford to waste our time trying to figure this out on our own groping around in the dark.”

Rey could feel the calmness washing from Ben. He had already decided, she knew that. In fact, he was leaving little room for debate. He was a part of this, and regardless of where her friends landed, he was not going to be cast off from this. The “why” was still something she was afraid to face, but for now she just needed her friends to not be fighting her every step of the way on this. She wasn’t even sure they stood a chance with Ben, but certainly a better one than without him.

Finn let out a resigned sigh. He knew they were right, but he hated it with every part of him.  And Rey felt a pang of guilt. For lying to him, for making it harder for him to trust her, for, somehow, getting them all into this situation to begin with.

“So, what exactly is the plan,” said Finn. “Other than to find this planet, what are the specifics?”

“We don’t have any,” said Ben. “I don’t really even know where it is, it’s like…a magnet.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“I suggest that I take the Falcon and fly around until it shows up.”

“That’s…that’s the plan huh,” said Poe, his eyebrow raised appraisingly. “It’s a marvel that you didn’t last longer at the strategic helm of the First Order.”

Ben smirked and offered Poe a sheepish shrug. “Luke would launch into a poetic explanation about the mysterious movement of the Force. I don’t need to because I don’t care whether your convinced or not, because I know for a fact that you don’t have a better plan, so you’ll take what I give you Dameron.”

Poe let out a snort of a laugh, but shrugged in ascent to his point.

“You’re not going alone though,” said Rey.

“She’s right,” said Finn.

“Different reasons I’m assuming,” said Ben, looking from Finn to Rey.

“Yeah, she’s good-hearted and worried about you,” said Finn. “I want to come and make sure you don’t mess anything up.”

“Do you know anything about the planet,” asked Rey. Ben shook his head. “Right, it could be dangerous, and if you die out there then…” her voice falters, and Ben looks at her expectantly. “Then…” she suddenly felt like she was seeing him shirtless again, what with that damned disarming gaze he levied at her. “Then…you’ll be dead…there…”

“Good save, Rey,” said Poe, standing and walking around the table, his hands giving Finn a comforting squeeze. “She’s right though. We have a lot of balls in the air and have no chance to drop one. So I think sending you three is a good idea, but I think right now, Rose and I have work to do on our side of things.” He stood in front of the table, comfortably becoming the center of attention. “Sure this thing could wreak unimaginable havoc on the galaxy, but that doesn’t mean everything else stops. So unless you need us…”

“We don’t,” said Ben.

Poe continued without commenting. “Then Rose and I should start getting the word out that now is the time for our allies and undecided to come out of the shadows, while the First Order is weak without leadership.”

“Do you think they’ll just take your word for it,” asked Finn.

“No,” said Poe, rubbing the back of his neck, as if asking for something awkward. “They’ll want some kind of proof…”

Rey looked up at him. “Like a hologram of me murdering the whole First Order?”

“Well…not the whole First Order,” said Poe, weakly.

Rey let out a bitter laugh. “It happened,” she said. “No need to hide it. Hey, if anything it may serve to scare a few into loyalty, right?’

“No,” said Ben, with a shake of his head. “That won’t be necessary. If we send out something on the Holonet of me declaring that I have defected from the First Order and am loyal to the Resistance, and that the First Order military had been destroyed in a Resistance strike, that should be enough. If the Supreme Leader has defected then it must not be a stable ship to begin with. No one needs to see that hologram.”

“Ben…” said Rey softly. He shook his head fervently again.

“No,” he said. “It wasn’t you, Rey. There’s no reason for that to become who you are in the eyes of the galaxy.” His lips turned up into a tiny smile. “Unless you want to be a name that strikes fear into the hearts of the galaxy?”

“No,” she said softly. “I don’t want that.”

“I didn’t think so,” said Ben. “So my declaration of loyalty to the Resistance will have to be enough.”

“But you’re not loyal to the Resistance,” said Finn.

“Propaganda doesn’t have to be true to work,” said Ben with a shrug. “It’s just something that will make planets rethink their allegiance and make them more comfortable with beginning talks about establishing a new Republic or whatever your end goal is here. I would suggest starting with some of the central planets with stronger ties to the government, you need politicians and you need them fast.”

“He’s right,” said Rose, with an eager nod. “This “victory” or whatever it is, came so suddenly, we have zero plan for an infrastructure, so we need to get other systems on board now. Something like what Ben is saying would help, because we have zero intimidation, and three functioning ships at this point.”

“Yeah,” said Ben. “I can help with that too if you can get me to a hyperspace communicator.”

“Do you have an army hiding somewhere in space?”

“No,” said Ben. “Almost as good…Knights.”

“You… you have knights,” asked Poe.

“Yes, with ships, and firepower, and a lot of time on their hands now that their master is unaccounted for.”

Poe locked eyes with him for a moment, squinting skeptically, before shrugging.

“Well I’m sold…”

“Wait, why…why do we need firepower,” asked Rose.

“Because,” said Finn. “First Order is still out there, and there are still a lot of systems that are hostile to the Resistance, First Order or not.”

“Well that’s fine we aren’t going to blast them into submission,” said Rose, firmly. “We aren’t a repeat of the First Order.”

“That won’t stop them from being hostile to you,” said Rey, looking at Rose. “And beyond just the firepower, the appearance of having something behind the Resistance may make the reluctant more willing to ally with us. The hope is you won’t even have to use it.”

Rose was still uncomfortable with it, but she nodded in understanding.

“And they are loyal to you,” asked Finn. “Not the First Order?”

Ben nodded.

“Are they good guys or bad guys?”

“They are what I tell them to be,” he said. “But they are proficient in the dark side of the Force, they were some of the more promising of Luke’s students the one’s Snoke thought it would have been a waste to…”

“Ben,” said Rey, interrupting him. “Let’s spare them a trip down memory lane, please.”

Ben shrugged but obeyed. Finn looked at Poe, holding his gaze, as if having a whole conversation with each other.

“Tired of teaming up with the bad guys,” said Finn with a sigh.

“Yeah,” said Ben. “According to Luke it was necessary the first time they found the Abeloth, the light side wasn’t enough, so it’s not entirely unprecedented, teaming up with the bad guys.”

Finn stood, hunched over the table, taping his finger against the table.

“Fine,” he said, finally. “How fast can they get here?”

********

Rose surveyed the map in front of her, there were planets marked as First Order, others as First Order sympathetic, some as Resistance sympathetic. Now none of it meant anything. As happy as they were to hear about this blow to the First Order, suddenly devoid of any discernable leadership, she also knew it carried with it its own set of issues. They weren’t prepared for this, they were ill equipped to respond to such a sudden shift in power. Even with Ben’s promise of reinforcements.  And if they didn’t think about this now, the grounds would be fertile for something even worse than the First Order. The First Order, at least, was, at least, a centralized threat, thousands of crime rings forming over a thousand different systems that was something else altogether.

They would have to act fast, to gather those undecided systems and somehow, out of nothing, create some form of stability, something for systems to gather around.

Something that meant that all of these years of fighting had not been for nothing.

Rose thought, sometimes, people assumed it was easier for her somehow; that she was able to put aside the personal for the mission at hand, that her idealism shielded her from the fear of what they could lose.

But it wasn’t true. She cared deeply for all of them, and that’s why she was doing this, why she was reading, studying, and planning, because she loved them all so much and wanted to make sure the world they were risking their lives for was one that was worth all this.

The world her sister died for.  Her sister loved her dearly, more than anything in the world, which is why she was willing to do what she did.  

But it didn’t mean it was easy.

None of this was easy.

“Hey…”

Rose turned to see Rey standing in the doorway of the control room.

“Hey,” greeted Rose with a smile.

“I wanted to let you know that Ben was able to make contact with his knights.”

Rose nodded. “How many?”

“He has eight, so you’ll have quite the entourage.”

“Sounds like it…” Rose knew that Rey didn’t have to be a Jedi to know how tense and frightened she was, so she quickly diverted. “How are you feeling?”

Rey walked over and stood beside her, leaning against the table projecting the map. Rey’s eyes moved across it noncommittally.

“I’m tired,” she said. “Which is hard to believe considering I’ve been asleep for three days…all though somehow it managed to not be the least bit restful.”

Rose felt the exhaustion seeping from Rey’s whole demeanor.

“Yeah,” said Rose. “There’s a lot on you right now, I can’t imagine.”

“Really,” said Rey, crossing her arms and looking at Rose pointedly. “I think you can imagine a little. From what Finn tells me you’ve had your hands in everything lately.”

Rose shrugged. “Well, with our numbers no one can afford to be one-trick-fathier.”

Rey smiled softly, and Rose turned away from the map to look closely at Rey. “Come on Rose,” she said. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Make it sound like what you do, anybody could do,” she said. “You sell yourself short.”

Rose nodded and looked at Rey.

“You’re right,” she said. “I’ve read more and watched more Senatorial proceedings then I would ever wish upon another person. I’m a saint.”

“That’s right you are,” said Rey, with a lighthearted laugh. Rose smiled and looked back down at the map, staring at it for a few more moments before speaking again.

“I don’t know how to feel right now, honestly,” said Rose. “It feels like there are things we should be happy about right now, but…”

“But we can’t,” said Rey. “Because I have some sort of Force goddess who’s trying to make me her best friend and take over the galaxy.”

Rose bit her lip and her eyes widened slightly, nodding. “Yup,” she said. “Exactly that.”

“Hopefully this little gamble pays off,” she said. “Ben said Luke wasn’t certain that this would work, but it’s our best hope.”

Rose smiled and looked at Rey, a meaningful gleam in her eye as she closed down the hologram of the map and turned to lean up against the table beside Rey. “From everything I understand, best hopes are what have kept us alive for this long.” Rey nodded, but Rose could see her friend was beat down, worn out and tired. Rose lulled her head to the side, resting it on Rey’s shoulder, Rey followed suit, her head laying against Rose’s. “Do you think Ben’s knights are going to be, like ridiculously terrifying?”

Rey let out a small laugh. “No, they’ll be cute and cuddly.”

“Good,” said Rose, nodding her head. “That’s good.”

They stood in silence a little longer before Rose spoke again.

“Are you in love with Ben?”

Rose was surprised that Rey didn’t recoil defensively. She could practically hear her mulling the question over.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well he’s pretty obvious,” said Rose with a laugh. “Does not play it cool at all. He looks at you like you’re the only thing in the galaxy and that’s how he wants it. You though…you have crossed the galaxy to save him twice but…”

Rose could feel the shoulder beneath her head slump slightly.

“I don’t know what I feel about anything right now,” said Rey. “Everything is so mixed up inside of my head that I don’t know what’s mine and what’s not…”

“But…” said Rose, tentatively.

“But,” affirmed Rey. “ I feel something for Ben, something that is very deep, the same way I feel something for you, and Poe and Finn. But something that is complicated in a way that it isn’t for anyone else. And I don’t know what to do with any of that yet.”

“Sounds exhausting…”

“Yeah,” she said.

“Poe and Finn know what they feel for each other,” said Rose with a slight nod. “They just… it’s wartime…it’s scary loving anything right now.”

“But that’s how we win,” said Rey. “Right?”

Rose nodded. She believed that, in her heart of hearts she truly did. Saving what she loved is what compelled Rey to go to Ben, but the advantage was gained through Rey being mercilessly used by a chaos-hungry creature with the power to destroy a whole command shuttle of officers. It wasn’t the hope filled anthem she had offered to Finn.  But Rose had to cling to that all the same. That in the end it was going to be love, not hate, that would save them all.

“We’ll be okay, right,” asked Rose, betraying the fear and doubt that still lingered behind all of her hope. She felt a twinge of guilt for putting it on Rey, the person who had moved so abruptly from a hopeful to despair. But maybe it was okay. Maybe no one needed to take on the mantle of “symbol”. It wasn’t Rey’s job to be a symbol of hope, and it certainly wasn’t Rose’s job to pick it up should it fall from Rey.

They were both human, after all.

“I think so,” said Rey, finally. Her words were weighted and heavy, but something about them spoke comfort to Rose, made her feel less foolish for still holding onto a shred of hope that, in the end, all of this fighting and dying will not have been for nothing.

*************

“I want to say for the record that I am not comfortable with this in the least.”

“Noted,” said Ben. “But I still think it’s a good idea.”

Rey looked down at the staff in her hand that Ben had handed to her. She looked up at him from where she sat on the ground. Every time she saw him there was an ever so slight change in him, perhaps too small to be precepted by anyone else, but not by her. She could feel it through the Force, the shift in his signature; it was once so angry and anxious, like a forest fire that was barely able to be contained, but it was different now, still him, still unmistakably him, but it no longer seemed as though it were on the verge of burning him alive.

The same could not be said for her. Whatever the Abeloth had done to her, was certainly not resolved. Her nightmares were vivid and she could feel her like a voice tugging at the back of her mind, trying to pull her to her, wherever she was. When she had let her loose aboard the Vanquisher, it had awakened her body to something new, some primal part of her had tasted unbridled freedom, and it craved it.

“Ben,” she said. “I don’t know what will happen if I try to…if I try to use the Force again…”

“You’re right,” said Ben, twirling his own staff in his hands, getting a feel for it. “And it’s better if you practice now, as opposed to when we are in a tight spot and you have no choice but to use it.” Rey looked around the hangar. It was the biggest open space, filled with the remainder of what little supplies they had. “We’ll go outside if you’re afraid of your massive powers destroying everything.”

Rey glared at him and stood up. “Yes, Ben that’s exactly what I’m scared of.” Ben looked her in the eyes, the same way he always did when she lost her temper with him. “I’m scared of destroying everything just because you don’t want to miss a day of combat training.”

“Well it’s been like a week I think,” he said. “For both of us, and I don’t have…”

“Stop talking about it like it’s something your jealous of,” she said, hot tears springing to her eyes. “It’s terrifying! It’s terrifying to feel like you could lose control at any moment and kill someone you love…” She saw the flicker of surprise in Ben’s eyes and she flushed, looking down at her feet. “Uh…I mean if the Abeloth takes over again, whatever piece of her she implanted in me or whatever it she did to me, I could kill literally everyone…all of them…”

Ben stepped closer to her, so close he was almost looking straight down to see her. She tentatively looked up and felt her heart immediately being to pound, it was her bodies conditioned response to the intense vulnerability she felt when he was around. Every single thing about him was so intense and weighted with meaning. She imagined this kind of response must be normal for people who went from strangers to intimately linked in the span of a moment

“Rey,” he said. “Trust me. You may need to use the Force, you may need to fight, we don’t know. If you hesitate when you need to, it could be the difference between life and death for you, and I’m not willing to risk that. So please…let’s just see where you’re at.”

Rey’s mouth suddenly felt very dry, looking up at him, and there was something like another memory coming up from the haze of darkness; a memory of being even closer to him, touching him, feeling his body respond. Her eyes suddenly widened and she felt the blush bloom across her chest and face. She took a step back and nodded furiously, looking away.

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “Okay let’s do it.”

If he found her behavior odd, he didn’t comment, too Rey’s relief.

“Besides,” he said. “Last time you were able to get the Abeloth under control. You just needed a little help. So yes, she’s powerful, but whatever she left inside you, it’s still under your control, Rey.”

“Thank you, Ben.”  The words actually did comfort her. The whole thing had happened through a thick fog of confusion, she remembered bits and pieces, and feeling powerless to stop it, but if she could, if she was able too, she wanted to learn how. She led Ben out of the base and into the woods that surrounded it, the space that held the base was cleared enough to give ample room to move around.

She hadn’t sparred anyone for fun in a long time, in fact the last time she fought anyone without it being a life and death situation was when she angrily advanced on by Luke on Ach-Too. This made her tentative, and noncommittal with her swings. Ben shot her several looks of annoyance at her weak advancement on him before he finally started coming at her with more force.  The sound of their wooden sparring sticks connecting rang out like thunderclaps over the silent forest, and Rey felt her hand tingle from the force of his sword swinging against hers. Holding him off was getting harder as he made swing after swing, all the while keeping his eyes on her, checking for something.

Why was he doing this? Why was he trying to provoke her? He knew what it could lead too. She understood being prepared if it came up, but purposely going out of his…

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sensation of the soft grassy ground coming out from under like a rug. She flopped back hard onto her back, and let out a yelp of pain. Ben walked over to her, hands on his knees as he bent to get closer to her supine body.

“Come on Rey,” he said. “With or without the Abeloth, you don’t fight like that.”

“Yeah you would know,” she spat back angrily, sitting back on her elbows.

“So let’s see that. If you’re going to be so afraid of losing control that you don’t even try then we may as well give up now, or leave you behind because you’ll be useless.”

Rey jerked herself up onto her feet and gripped the staff tight in her hands.

“I know you’re scared of it, Rey,” he said. “But rage isn’t bad. It makes you a stronger fighter…as you said, I would know, I’ve seen it up close many times.”

She rolled her eyes but motioned for them to begin again. She didn’t start with the advance this time either, but inside her skin she was tense and coiled ready to attack when the moment presented itself.

She backed her way into the more heavily forested area, drawing Ben with her.  They had been here before parrying, twirling, running, advancing and defending their way through a forest of night and snow. This time it was different, this time she wasn’t terrified for her life, this time she was terrified for his.

But he was right. They didn’t have time for fear. She lunged toward him, trying to unleash a tiny bit of her rage without it unfurling entirely. She immediately retracted. He was alive, still standing in front of her, a small smile playing on his lips, as if trying to goad her on.

She lunged again toward him, this time with more finesse and style. She had a staff this time, not a lightsaber, which meant they were in her space, not his. He bent back skillfully under the long swing of the staff.

She noted now several times the contrast in their fighting style, it had come up enough at this point. Despite their standing in the light and the dark, and despite his insistence that she needed to use her rage more, if someone were looking on they would find her style to be more rage-fueled. She stabbed and screamed and moved forward by sheer force of will. Perhaps it was because he had his rage on a leash, and knew how to manipulate it in a way that she had never learned, but his style had a smooth finish that hers did not. Honestly, it had been the look of him that was the most terrifying; a massive, imposing figure in all black and an angry red lightsaber. It had been terrifying. She considered, maybe, Ben’s biggest mistake was taking the helmet off in the first place, and revealing that he was afraid; he shifted from monster to man in the span of a moment. From enemy to ally, and back to enemy, in the span of a moment. And now something else altogether.

She brought her staff down hard. Again. And again. Swinging down and up. Low and high. They danced their way through the trees, over rocks and through valleys. And there was a part of her that wanted to stay here forever. Fighting for fun, free and removed from everything else that awaited her in the galaxy.

She blocked a swing from him, her fingers alive with the vibrations it sent down her arm, now numb to the initial sting of it. With every swing, every exertion and every cry of protest from her muscles, she felt the chasm that had grown between her mind and body closing.

Ben had been right. She needed this. To go into anything feeling like she couldn’t trust her own body, her own instincts, with the intense feeling of violation that she has been carrying lately, could be catastrophic.

She dodged a swing from Ben, rolling on the soft wet grass to avoid another. She was on her feet in a flash, the energy of the planet pulling her from the mire; her blood was pumping and her lungs were working to keep up with her movement.

And every look from Ben, every calculated movement, every slight flash of a smirk or exhale of exertion, made her feel more human, more in touch with the environment around her. Like she had felt in Snoke’s throne room, like balancing being restored to her soul again.

The same reason she had sought him out after the cave.

The same reason she had crossed the galaxy to save him, twice.

The same reason she trusted him now.

Rey bolted toward the huge tree just a few feet away from her. She closed her eyes, focusing on the movement of the force around her, the Force in the trees, the ground, in the animals scuttering around them, in Ben…she ran up the side of the tree and shoved off hard, launching herself over Ben’s head and landing behind him. Before Ben could react, she had him trapped, between her body and the staff pressed gently to his throat.

He was broad enough and tall enough she had to reach up to hold the staff in place in front of his throat, bringing her eyes to the space where his shoulder blades met. She could feel the heat coming from his body, and had an overwhelming urge to rest her cheek against him, to hold him, to touch like they did on Ach-Too, but face to face.

Ben’s hand went up and gently pushed the staff far enough away from his throat so that he could turn and face her. Her hands remained clasped around the staff. He looked down at her, his gaze as intense as always, but now colored with unmistakable want.

She stared up at him, deeply aware of the breadth of his body between her staff and her, keeping him a mere inches away from her. His presence was imposing, and dizzying. She steeled herself against the rocking sensation that was enveloping her.

She wondered if he could feel it coming off of her, and then found herself hoping he did. She took the tiniest shuffle of a step forward, eyes still locked on his face. A small gesture but one that she had to summon enormous courage for, to step closer, to show him that she wasn’t looking away, and hope he would do the same.

Rey felt his fingers, gently graze her shoulder, delicately, as if handling something he wasn’t certain was real.

“Ben…” she said. “I…

Then suddenly, like a tidal wave it came crashing down on her. She had been this close to him before, when she had killed them all, when…when she had taken over. She had been close to him then, very close.

She could hear her own voice, hers yet so clearly not hers whispering in his ear, promising him everything, declaring that she, Rey, wanted him. She had pressed her body up against him then, close enough to taste him. What had happened?  Did he stop her? Had he even been able to stop her?

Rey suddenly jerked away, and looked down, her hand went up and covered her mouth.

Ben’s brow furrowed in confusion, he bent his knees slightly, lowering himself so that he could get a better look at her.

“Rey what’s…”

She dropped her staff and stepped away.

“What happened,” she said, her voice sounded dry and flat, rather than reflecting the full extent of her emotions, ranging from terrified to enraged. “After I… After I killed all of them…I said something to you, didn’t I?”

“Rey, it’s not…”

“Ben…tell me…what…I said…”

Ben sighed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Rey could feel the embarrassment coming off of him, and if they were in any other situation she may have found it endearing.

“First,” said Ben, holding up a hand. “You…as in you, Rey…You didn’t say anything. It was that thing...” he paused and pondered his next words carefully. “That being said.  The Abeloth just offered not to kill me, to keep me around as…as a…” his face was completely red now. “Companion of sorts.”

“Ben…”

“A plaything were her exact words,” he said, a bright red blush creeping up his face. Rey felt dizzy again, but this time for a very different reason.  Now she was embarrassed and mortified and suddenly ill. Her first declaration of…anything…to Ben had been controlled by the Abeloth and she had cheapened it into something purely physical and lust-fueled. She and Ben were both so shy and awkward that the touch of a hand had been enough to convince Rey to fly across the galaxy and convince Ben to betray his own master. And suddenly she had blown past hand touching into proposition him to be her sex slave.

 

She looked up at him, her gaze trying to remain hard and unmoved, but she was faltering.

“Ben did I…” She felt like she would have remembered but now she had no idea. Would Ben have said something? Had she hurt him. “Did I…”

Ben’s eyes widened in surprise and he looked away completely now, casting his gaze fully on the ground.

“No…no…no,” he said hurriedly. “Nothing happened…She offered to keep me alive, and then I momentarily pretended to be giving in to her advances so that I could take her out with a Force pike. That gave me enough time to push my way into your mind and find you. But that’s it Rey. I promise.”

She let out an exhale of relief, and then suddenly, surprising even herself, she burst into tears. At this point she was beyond caring about displays of emotions in front of Ben, they were both past that. She heard him step forward, and then, tentatively, bring her into a hug. One hand against her back, the other pressed to the back of her neck. Rey’s arms still fell limply at her side but leaned fully into his chest. Soon the sobs racking her body turned into gentle shudders.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Rey,” he said. “I didn’t know if you remembered that or not and didn’t see any reason to bring it up. But I wouldn’t have…I knew it wasn’t you. I didn’t want…I…it just wasn’t you.”

Rey finally raised her own arms and wrapped them around him tightly, pulling herself in closer to him.

“I wouldn’t have let her use you like that.”

She looked up at Ben, her mouth opened slightly in surprise.

“Ben, I didn’t think that you had done anything,” she said. “But I could’ve done anything, and I wouldn’t have even known.” Once again, she felt an extreme alienation from her own body, as though it were a foreign tool that she didn’t even recognize. “And…I don’t think you could’ve stopped me.”

Ben’s hand slid from her back and he moved away, just enough so he could look at her.

“Rey,” he said. “We are going to figure this out.”

“How do…”

“Because we have too,” he said with a small laugh. “We have no choice but to figure it out, so we will. You know when we went into Snoke’s throne room, I didn’t have a plan. I knew he had to die, I knew we had no choice but to figure out a way to do it and make it out alive. I wasn’t putting my trust in myself, in the Force, or even Snoke, it was putting it in you.”

“And then you screwed the whole thing up,” she said, but this time her voice light and teasing.

“Old habits die hard,” he said with a shrug.

Rey felt lighter now, less afraid. In fact, it was encouraging to know that Ben had dealt with her as almost fully Abeloth and still was able to help her get control. Perhaps she was not as unstoppable as she had been led to believe.

And suddenly she was very aware; aware of his hands on her, touching her, really, for the first time, aware of how close they were, and deeply aware of where things had been heading before she was interrupted by the unpleasant memory.  But now, they both sensed the moment had ended.

Her body had been used, and that sense of violation was no one that could shake off.

“I’m sorry…” she said sadly. Ben shook his head firmly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Rey,” he said. “Nothing.”

Rey nodded. He was right. She didn’t even know what they were, and while furtive glances and intimate conversations were standard fare for them at this point, everything else remained vague and amorphous.

But it wasn’t just that she was sorry, there was a part of her that was disappointed, and angry.  Because, the fact was, she wanted to kiss Ben. There was a lot she didn’t know about how she felt about Ben, but she knew she had wanted to kiss him.  And she was angry at the Abeloth for taking something away from her.

“Rey…”

She looked back up at Ben and stepped away from him.

“Uh…you…you ready to head back,” she asked. Ben nodded slowly, but still regarded her carefully. She turned and hurried back toward the base.  Maybe they would have another chance when all of this was over.

Maybe they would even get around to having a conversation about what they felt for one another, assuming they would be alive long enough. 

**********

Finn was at a crossroads. It was clear Ben was here to stay, for now. Beyond the fact that it made strategic sense to have someone else who was Force sensitive, he had to come to terms with the fact that, beyond any of that, Rey wanted him there.

That despite his dark side proclivities, there was something that Rey almost seemed to need in him. Finn hated it. Though not for the reasons someone on the outside looking in would think. He loved Rey deeply, he would kill and die for her if need be.  She had changed his life forever. But he didn’t own her, and he never thought he did. It wasn’t a matter of him wanting to “be her person”, the one she came to with everything. He didn’t resent the fact that she needed someone who wasn’t him.

He was terrified of the fact that that person was the man who had once ordered the destruction of an entire village after cutting down a defenseless man, a man who had killed Luke’s other pupils, a man who tortured Poe, a man who had killed his own father,  a man who was tied deeply to the First Order, a government that had overseen the grooming of children into killing machines, who snatched away their families, identities and their very names, a man who could so easily destroy everything that they had worked so hard to build.

“Finn,” Finn turned to see Poe approaching him, somewhat more sedate then he was used to seeing. Poe sat down beside him on the small step. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Finn looked surreptitiously out of the corner of his eyes at the shoulder pressed against his own, against the jacket that he wore from waking until sleeping.

“When are you guys leaving,” asked Poe.

“As soon as Ben’s friends show.”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “His “knights,”” he added with a derisive laugh. “What do you think makes them knight? The way they dress, do they have lightsabers too?”

Finn looked at him, clasping his hands together, picking at the skin around his thumb anxiously.

“Are you sure you feel okay about this?”

“No,” he said. “Not really. But I’m working with what we have. Plus, Ben seems pretty tightly wound around Rey’s finger these days, I don’t know that he’s going to do anything to betray her.”

“Yeah,” said Finn. “I don’t think so either, honestly.”

“Then why so tense?”

“Because, I’m afraid,” said Finn, his head dropping slightly. “All the people I love are scattered across the galaxy and I want to keep you all safe but I can’t, because you all won’t stay put in one damn place.”

Poe nodded in understanding, and placed a hand on Finn’s knee, making him jump slightly in surprise at the ease with which he made the gesture.

“I get it,” he said. “I do.” Poe looked forward, out of the viewport out on the bustling hangar below. “Being away from the person you love the most in the galaxy, trying to make the galaxy safe so that you can love them, it’s not…it’s not easy.”

Finn swallowed hard. “Person…” he had said, not people. He wanted to pluck up the courage to cover the hand on his knees with his own, to tentatively lay his own over the fingers. Was he reading too much into his words? Could they possibly mean what he thought they mean? Or was that hoping for too much in the midst of all of this ugliness? He lifted his hand slightly but then stopped, his mind coming up with a million reasons not too.

“But that’s the risk with loving good, brave people I guess,” continued Poe. “They are going to do the right thing.” Poe turned and looked at Finn, willing Finn to look at him. “Dammit if they aren’t going to frustrate and scare the life out of you by doing _exactly_ what it is you love them for.”

Finn knew he wasn’t imagining the subtle movement forward, the fact that his face was so close to his that he could see the flecks of color in Poe’s eyes closer than he ever had. He loved Poe’s eyes, especially in moments where the bravado had slipped away enough to show the man beneath it all. The man who was afraid, who wasn’t sure of everything. The man who risked his life regularly for a cause he believed in so deeply.

“It’s worth it though,” said Finn, his voice wavering slightly. “Loving good people.”

“I like to think so,” said Poe.

Finn moved slightly, to put his hand on Poe’s, to curl his fingers around his when they are suddenly interrupted by the shrill sound alerting them to an approaching ship.  People were scrambling into the hangar, and outside to look up into the air, to see the approaching ships.

“Well, I guess that’s our cue,” said Finn, standing to his feet hurriedly, somehow both disappointed and relieved to have been interrupted.

********************

Rose felt as though she was going to pass out as the three small shuttles landed inside the hangar. They had invited them into their one safe place. There was no going back. If Ben and his band of dark force users wanted to slaughter them with their lightsabers then, well, there was no stopping them now. All of their eggs were in this basket.

Ben had told them their command ships would be too big and that there were a few of them so they would approach the hangar in their smaller shuttles. They were gorgeous ships. They didn’t necessarily look First Order, they had a bit more flare to them than a standard military shuttle, as if their owners had put a lot of thought into their creation.

She didn’t know what she was expecting to be revealed as they descended out of their ships. She had built them up in her head, to be frightening, looming, and intimidating. Which she was sure they were. But they greeted Ben as though they were friends.

The first was a human man, clothed in all black, who clasped Ben’s hand and then patted him with friendly force on the back.

“Kylo Ren! I thought that the First Order had killed you until we got that recording,” he said. “I was all set to take over as the Lord of the Knights of Ren.”

“Ever the team player, Blaise,” Ben returned with a laugh.

If the use of his other moniker bothered him, Ben did not let on. Ben proceeded to embrace the young Togrutan. She was dressed in a bit more lively colors, bright oranges, and reds and blacks.

“You look good,” she greeted hugging him tightly. “Not as mopey as the last time I saw you,” she added giving his long locks a playful flick.

The last one was very distinct, bald and distinctly androgynous. It looked at Ben, head cocked to the side.

“Not this time,” said Ben, as if responding to something that the third knight had said. “I already killed him.” The thin, almost translucent blue face lit up in what Rose assumed was approval at the news that someone had met their demise, and then it wrapped Ben up in its long arms, and patted his head with big webbed hands.

It was startling to Rose. She knew they were the “bad guys” in at least some sense of the word. They willingly chose to immerse themselves in the dark side, which meant something. She had just taken for granted that dark Force-users and First Order affiliates could have friends, people that they care about and are relieved to see made it back from the battle. It was so much easier to imagine that they were people who hated the galaxy, hated people, and wanted to drown cute little creatures and laugh while they did it.

But she was slowly but surely learning that the reality that one had to assume to make war bearable, was rarely reflective of the truth.

“So, what have you got us into this time, Ben,” asked the Togrutan woman, whose name Rose had missed. She was standing away from the group, awkwardly shifting on her feet.

“Hey Rose,” she turned to see Finn and Poe approaching her. “Is this them?”

“Yes,” said Rose.  Poe cocked his head to the side and took in the group

“Nice ships,” he said. “Very nice. Think they’d mind if…”

“Poe you can’t just walk up to people’s shuttle’s and manhandle them without asking.”

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll ask first. Ben and I practically brothers,” he said with wry grin at Rose and Finn’s disbelieving faces. “Sure, we are. Brothers who hate each other, brother’s where one is clearly the smart, good-looking, favorite and one is the moody, broody…oh crap they’re coming this way.”

Ben walked the group over to them. Rose took in the way they carried themselves with regal certainty. She felt her mouth go dry again. They stood next to Ben, surveying the area, eyes darting around in a scrutinizing fashion.

The man leaned forward and whispered something to Ben who looked at him annoyed and whispered something back, earning a shrug from Blaise.

“Okay,” said Ben, pointing at the man. “This is Blaise, he’s a brilliant military strategist, and he commands the dreadnaught Vaporizer.”

“Subtle,” said Poe with a nod.

The man smirked. “I’ve never seen the benefit of subtly when you have the firepower to back it all up.”

“Fair enough.”

“This is Sinsari,” he said motioning toward the Togrutan woman. “She’s the most lethal assassin in the galaxy. She commands the Star Destroyer Devastator.”

“Ari,” corrected the Togrutan. “No need to be so formal, Ren.” She grinned, a smile that would maybe even be considered friendly, except for the white, sharp fangs, filed down to a point.

Ben motioned to the so far completely silent creature, with big milky eyes that seemed to be taking everyone in.

“This is Bix,” he said. “One of the last of an almost extinct force-sensitive species, communicates completely by telepathy.”

Poe’s eyes widened. “Wait he can read my mind, right now? I…”

“Don’t worry,” said Blaise. “They are very ethical with their use of their power.”

“Seems likely,” said Finn sarcastically.

“It’s true,” said Ben. “Bix runs more toward the grey, then the dark or light.”

“Yes,” said Blaise. “It’s quite irritating.”

“So,” said Ari. “You gunna tell us into what fresh hell we scampered across the galaxy to follow you into?”

“Oh not me,” said Ben, lifting a finger and directing it toward Rose with a dramatic flair. “Her.”

Rose eyes suddenly went wide, flushing under the spotlight of their eyes on her. She slowly raised a hand and waved weakly.

“Hey,” she said.

“Knights of Ren, this is Rose Tico, and for the foreseeable future, she is your commander, the same allegiance, you would give to me, I am asking you to give to her.”

Rose tried to straighten her stance, to create some air that indicated that she was somebody to listen to, to be respected.  She considered it a good sign that Ben’s Knights looked more confused then incredulous.

“I will be occupied on another mission…”

Bix leaned toward Sinsari who nodded in response. “Exactly Bix,” she said, then turned to look at Ben, her eyebrow raised.  “Does your alternative mission have to do with the massive black hole of Force convergence that is happening somewhere on this base?”

Ben looked at Sinari, his gaze intense, her own fell from one of amused to curiosity to an intense awareness.

“That bad huh,” she said.

Ben nodded slowly. “Yes,” he said. “It’s very bad.”

***************

Rey was trying to meditate when she suddenly felt a powerful presence call out to her. The voice was calming and immersive, but not in the invasive way the Abeloth had been, although the makeup of the power calling to her seemed similar, a signature bathed in both light and dark.

“Who’s there,” she called out in her quiet room.

“I’m here child.” Rey stood and followed the voice outside of her room and out into the hall.

“Where?’

“Here, you can sense me, can you not?”

“Yes,” she called out.

“You needn’t speak, you need only think and I will be able to understand you.”

“How…”

“I am strong with the Force, young one, and it is the gift of my kind that I need not use my mouth to speak.’

Rey followed the voice, despite it being in her head, she could follow it to a distinct direction.

“Well,” thought Rey. “What’s one more voice in my head? You may find it crowded though, huh?”

“Indeed,” returned the voice. “There is a great evil living inside you. Greater then my friends here can comprehend.”

“Friends?”

“We are friends of Kylo Ren, your Ben Solo.”

Rey’s brisk walk moved to trot. She turned a corner and ran right into a tall mouthless, creature. Though somehow it looked as though it were smiling down at her.

“Hello child,” said the voice again. “You’ve found me.”

“Rey,” she looked away from the creature to motley assortment of people that surrounded her. “I was just coming to find you,” said Ben, stepping in beside her. “These are the reinforcements we called.”

Blaise moved closer to her, his eyes scrutinizing her. He leaned in close to her face, looking into her eyes. Rey took in his face; older then Ben, and had one or two more scars. She returned his gaze without blinking. She wasn’t certain what he was looking for, or if he was just trying to intimidate her. She could feel her friends tense around her as the man leaned in toward her.  But she remained unfazed by his examination.

“Oh yes,” he said. “You weren’t kidding Bix,” he said. “There’s a lot of power in there.” He looked past her toward Ben. “Are you sure you want to get rid of it, Ben?”

“Uh, excuse me,” said Rey, annoyance hedging in her voice. “Ben doesn’t get a say.”

“That’s enough Blaise,” said Ben. Rey almost jumped when she felt the press of Ben’s hand to the small of her back, maneuvering her away from Blaise.

“Sorry, kid,” he said. “I was just asking.”

“Don’t mind him,” intruded the voice again. “He’s boorish and a bit uncivilized, but that’s true of most humans I have found.”

“You can do that with everyone?”

“Yes,” they said. “You’re mind, however, is truly fascinating.”

“I know,” she returned. “Because of…”

“No,” said Bix. “Not because of the presence of the Abeloth. Though I’m sure the makeup of your mind may be what called you to her. There’s a light here young one, it’s quite beautiful.”

“I didn’t think the Knights of Ren would find that appealing,” she returned.

“Oh,” chided the voice softly. “I am a Knight for now, simply because I have the time for it. But I’m deeply imbued with the light and the dark, as are you child.”

Rey was about to object when suddenly Blaise’s voice cut through their conversation. “All right Ren,” he said. “You got us here.  Now tell us, what’s going on.”

Rey was barely listening as Ben launched into yet another explanation of their current state of affairs. She wondered if he was getting tired of it, or if he would attempt to abridge it. She took the time to take in the rest of his Knights. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to the Togrutan they called Sinsari.  But even in this relatively unfamiliar setting, they carried themselves with an easy comfort that she assumed just came with knowing you were one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy.

“You are too, you know?”

Rey narrowed her eyes and looked across the table and Bix. Bix was looking straight at Ben, seemingly completely attentive to what he was saying.

“Don’t worry,” said Bix. “I wasn’t reading your mind. You’re just very loud.”

“Why do people keep saying that?”

“Because it’s true. You project loud and unfiltered. It’s your natural disposition and when you combine that with the Force, you draw Force-sensitives like a moth to the flame.”

“Thanks?”

“It’s not a compliment or an insult, it’s a fact.” Bix’s head turned toward Ben, looking over him appraisingly.  “You certainly warmed up Ben. The boy was always on the precipice of darkness and light. Imagine my surprise when I got off my shuttle to find him somewhere in between.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

“As I said, I don’t have a strong stake in the light or the dark, but in balance. Ben has been unbalanced for as long as I have known him, until now.”

Rey looked at Ben, he was standing up, his palms pressed against the table, leaning closer to Blaise.

“You’re afraid for him.”

Rey nodded, softly.

“And of him.”

She nodded again.

“You’re not wrong to want him with you,” Bix said. “He’s very powerful. He will be of great service when the monster inside of you becomes almost unbearable. And if you win, then you’ll be able to decide if you love him or not.”

Rey didn’t respond.

“If we win.”

“Yes, if. I cannot pretend as though victory is a given.  Whatever path you choose though, Rey, your potential impact on the galaxy cannot be overstated.”

“I miss when all we had to worry about was the Resistance.”

Bix chuckled. “There are far more bigger wheels that are turning then who is currently on top in the never ending struggle of power.”

“I’m finding that out.”

Rey turned her attention back to the conversation at hand. Blaise had made himself completely comfortable, his hands folded behind his head and his feet propped up on the table.

“So,” said Blaise. “That’s all well and good, Ren. But it has to be asked, what is our place in this whole new galaxy we are suddenly supposed to be ushering in, we use the dark side, and we are honestly doing pretty well for ourselves.”

“Well,” said Ben. “Honestly, we aren’t even sure that there will be a galaxy for you to do anything at all so…”

“But assuming there is,” said Blaise. “Assuming you are actually successful in your suicide mission. Then what? I am assuming that we won’t be allowed to plunder and vaporize planets with impunity.”

“Yes,” said Rey, suddenly breaking into the conversation. “You would be correct in assuming that.” She paused and looked at Blaise.

“That being said,” said Rose. “You will have a few options. We will still need help assuring that criminal circuits don’t run wild in the Outer Rim.

Blaise snorted derisively.

“I am not about to be a puppet for the light side…”

“Blaise,” said Ben, his voice warning.

“Ren,” he said back, mimicking his tone. “I’m here for you. I’m here because I am loyal to you and if you want us to do this, of course I’ll do it. As far as what happens after though…”

“Or,” said Rose. " You can continue to go about your business as long as you are staying within the laws of the New Republic, no pillaging, murdering or conquering.”

“Oh sweety,” said Sinsari. “That’s pretty much all we do.”

“Well sweety,” said Rose. “You’ll understand that is not something we can allow.”

Sinsari shrugged. “We could always mosey on to another galaxy, huh Blaise? Get out into Wild Space and see what is out there? I imagine there are plenty of places for you to vaporize outside of New Republic reach.”

Rey could feel Finn squirm near her. Despite their best desire to see them as possible reformed good-guys, it was clear that they were here because of Ben, not because of any desire to align with the good guys. And Bix. Well, Bix was something else entirely, almost like they were here just to amuse themselves. Ben, despite the battle to get him here, and despite the role that Rey had played in it, was not only here for her, despite what he may say. Bix was right, Ben had always been on the edge, a gentle shove could send him one way or the other. He was here because of her, but he was also here because of the light rising inside him.

The same could not be said for his friends. But she also knew conflict created strange bed-fellows. Even Ben said that Luke had had to align himself with dark-force users throughout his time as a Jedi, she doubted that ended with a loving embrace and a new recruit to the light.  Perhaps there was an element of balance that just recognized the dark in the world; fought it when necessary but didn’t attempt to destroy it in all its manifestations.

“If that’s what you choose to do,” said Rose. “What we primarily need now is protection as we go into areas that could possibly remain hostile and something to inspire confidence in a New Republic.”

“Kind of shady for the good guys,” teased Ari. “Say what you want about us, but we don’t lie.”

“That’s such a lie,” said Blaise. “We lie all the time but,” he said, gazing around the table. “We aren’t the good guys, people who expect us to tell the truth are idiots. People that expect you guys to tell the truth well…they are just trusting that you’re good.”

Finn looked as though he were about to speak up, but Rose raised a hand, silencing him.

“Yes,” she said. “We are lying to an extent, misrepresenting ourselves. And I hate it. But it’s better than the alternative.”

Blaise shrugged. “All right then,” he said. “I’m in. As nice as lawless chaos sounds, if you need us Ren, you know I’m on your side. Anything’s gotta be better than watching you grovel for that Sarlac dick, Snoke.”

“Thank you,” said Ben. “For both the delightful image and your declaration of loyalty.”

“But as far as what happens afterward,” said Blaise. “I’m not making any promises, and if that means we end up enemies of the New Republic well…that’ll just have to be okay.”

Rey could see the battle happening inside her friends, a battle that was startlingly absent in her.

“It’s because you are a conundrum,” said Bix. “A delightfully alluring paradox of light and dark.”

Rey felt the same constriction in her soul that she felt after her first lesson on Ach-Too, the same deep certainty that something was wrong with her.

“Don’t worry deary,” said Bix. “It’s how the Force is supposed to look. You’re not the odd one. It’s how it should look in someone who hasn’t been polarized by the Sith or the Jedi.”

“So you’re saying I shouldn’t be trying to understand the Jedi text?”

“I’m saying you should be seeking balance, something I have rarely seen in a Sith or a Jedi.”

“Aren’t you at all concerned about what they are talking about,” asked Rey. “Fate of the galaxy and all of that?”

Bix let out a laugh that Rey was certain was out loud until no one responded.

“I have survived the near extinction of my people. I have been alive for over a thousand years. If I panicked every time the fate of the galaxy was at stake I would be nothing more than a big ball of anxiety.”

Rey did chuckle at that, and out loud.

Ben looked from Rey to Bix, eyes squinted in a somewhat reproving glance, but he didn’t say anything.

“Ben tells us to pay attention,” said Bix.

“Well he’s your boss right,” said Rey. “You better listen.”

“He’s my friend.”

“So you weren’t one of the children that he took with him from the Jedi temple, then?”

“No,” said Bix. “I joined later. I wanted to travel around the galaxy and it seemed like a good enough opportunity as any.”

“On First Order coin,” said Rey. “Can’t beat that.” She stopped and looked at the Knights assembled around the table. “They aren’t going to betray us, are they?”

“They aren’t going to betray, Ben,” she said. “That you can be certain of.”

Rey nodded, that would have to do for now.

“And Ben, is most certainly not going to betray you,” added Bix, a knowing tone in their voice.

“I wasn’t really worried about that,” said Rey.

“I know,” said Bix. “But I know you feel like you should be worried about it, for fear of being seen a fool.”

Rey nodded, softly. That was true. She was afraid of being seen as a fool, a naïve idiot who was trusting the untrustworthy. But it was more than that. She looked at Ben from across the table, he was looking at Rose, listening to her lay out the plan of movement with the Knights.

She was afraid of so much more than just that.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Rey hugged Rose tight before she made her way to climb into Ari’s shuttle. She held the woman tight, as if trying to both impart strength and draw strength. She wanted so badly to see Rose again. To see her in a time and place where friendship may be possible, friendship that included something other than battle plans and flying out of one another’s lives every few days.

“You’ll be brilliant,” assured Rey, cupping her face affectionately.

Rose mustered up a bright smile for her and squeezed her shoulder.

“You come back alive,” said Rose. “And take care of Finn. It’ll be a full time job making sure he and Ben don’t kill each other so…Really and truly, may the Force be with you.”

Rey laughed. She felt like there was more she wanted to say to her. But perhaps it was coming from the fear that she may never see her again, a fear that she didn’t want to act or speak from yet.

So she settled on a simple, tried and true, goodbye.

“And may the Force be with you.”

************

Poe stood outside of the Falcon with Finn, Rey and Rose were saying goodbye next to them and Ben was loading up the ship with Chewie.

Poe in general wasn’t an awkward person. He knew what to say and do in most situations, or else he faked it until he made it. But for some reason he struggled with that when it came to moments like this with Finn. That smooth bravado seemed to elude him when standing in front of this man.

In front of this man, he was simultaneously fully himself and fully undone, and he didn’t know what that Poe Dameron looked like.

“Be careful out there,” he finally managed. His hands at his side. He wanted to reach out, to hold his hand, to lay it on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” said Finn, with a nod. “You too.”

Poe looked down, momentarily their booted toes were a foot a part. He shuffled forward slightly about to speak. He looked over Finn’s shoulder at Ben coming out of the Falcon. Ben raised his hand to get his attention and then opened his mouth as if to speak, but then quickly closed his mouth and lowered his hand before disappearing back onto the Falcon, leaving them alone again. A gesture, Poe noted, as a brief moment of civility.

“I’ll be okay,” said Finn. “I have dark-side wielding Sith and Dreadnaughts at my disposal. You have a moody Ben Solo, and an unstable Rey, frankly Chewie is the only one of your shipmates I feel good about right now.” Poe paused. “And to tell you the truth having no idea where you’ll be is…I don’t like it.”

Poe could have sworn he saw Finn’s eyes light up a little at the confession, making him a bit braver.

“I like it if I can know where you are,” said Poe with a shrug.

“I like it too,” said Finn. “I mean knowing where you are and you knowing where I am. But we’ll stay in contact as long as we can, try and give you some idea. Really none us know what to expect.”

“Yeah I’m not crazy about that either,” said Poe with a look of annoyance. “We are putting an awful lot of trust in the guy’s conversation with his dead uncle.”

“Well,” said Finn. “Ain’t not turning that ship around now, Dameron.”

Poe let out a laugh, and shrug of agreement.  Poe took in a deep breathe. He would hug him goodbye. He always did. But it was a particular kind of hug, the kind he would give any of his sisters and brothers in arms, but it wasn’t honest. It wasn’t the way he truly wanted to hold Finn.

“Okay well, see ya buddy,” Poe finally manages, and kicks himself immediately as he hugs Finn. He moves to pull away in the same abrupt way he always did, but is surprised to find that Finn is holding onto him, both arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. Poe slowly responds, lifting his own arms under Finn’s and tentatively holding him.

“Finn,” he finally says. “Please, please come back okay?”

“Will do.”

Finn let out a cough as he pulled away, and then awkwardly shuffled back onto the ship just as Ben was exiting it. Ben was about to walk past Poe toward Rey, but Poe held out a hand stopping him in his path, his eyes still locked on the open ramp of the Falcon.

“He’s a good man,” said Poe, softly.

“I know,” said Ben, not grudgingly or affectionately, but just as a statement of fact.

“Sometimes he runs into things without thinking, because he thinks it’s right or brave or the best thing to do.”

“I know,” said Ben. “I watched his attempted suicide run on Crait.”

Poe closed his eyes.

“I can’t even believe I’m having this conversation with you,” he sighed, “But…”

“Dameron,” he said. “I don’t plan on coming back without the whole crew intact. Believe it or not, for several years I was a very good leader before Starkiller. I was the first one in and last one out in any dangerous situation, and it won’t be any different here.”

Poe nodded and moved his hand out of Ben’s way, but Ben didn’t move. Poe turned to look at him. He was staring at Rey with a look that Poe was all too familiar with. He would have laughed, if anything about the situation was funny. Two men, born into relative privilege, who took two vastly different paths, pining after two orphans without a family, home or last name, that had either accidentally, or incredibly fatedly, crossed their paths and inexplicably made them both better version of who they are.

“We’re kind of pathetic aren’t we,” said Poe, eyes wide and unblinking toward the Falcon. Ben seemed to consider the statement a moment before his mouth formed a flat line, an almost grimace of agreement.

“Yeah,” he said finally.  “Yeah kind of.”

Ben immediately began walking again toward Rey. He watched as he tentatively touched her shoulder and pointed toward the Falcon. Poe thought it was no wonder that Ben loved Rey so much. She looked at him fully, unblinkingly, as if it never occurred to her be afraid of him. That kind of honest look had an incredible power, it made you feel seen, understood and loved all at once.

A look like that was worth giving up supreme power over the galaxy.

**********

Ben tentatively ran his hands along the controls of the Falcon. He had not been prepared for the tidal wave of emotions that came over him the moment he stepped into the cockpit. It was almost enough to knock him off of his feet.

As clear as day he could see his father sitting there, Uncle Chewie beside him. He had spent half of his childhood on this ship and the other half wishing he was on it, and the rest of his adulthood never wanting to see it again, wanting to see it fall out of the sky when he did.

He had learned to fly in this ship. And his father’s voice seemed to echo in the cockpit; shouting out instructions, gruff encouragement, warnings not to get too cocky, and a couple of entreaties not to tell his mother.

He swallowed hard and reached up, gently touching the golden. For someone who was so completely unsuperstitious, Han was not without his own talismans.  Ben’s hand gripped the worn back of the pilot’s chair, so tight his hand and arms started to shake, and soon his whole body followed suit.

He jumped slightly when he feels a hand cover the one gripping the seat, and he recoils immediately. He looks down at Rey beside him.

“I felt you,” was all she offered as an explanation. “I can leave if…”

“No,” he said with a curt shake of his head. “Is everyone on?”

She nodded, looking up at him with her disarming, green eyes that made him turn into a puddle of stupid.

“Then I’ll get us ready to take off,” he went to sit down in the seat but paused. “Unless you want…”

She shook her head hurriedly.

“No, you should.”

He nodded and slowly lowered himself into the pilot seat. He could hear Chewie’s gentle growl from behind him.

“Yeah,” said Ben. He closed his eyes and settled his nerves as the Falcon came to life around him, the hum, the glow, all of it was charged with so much emotion that he had to actively keep it in check.

He can feel Chewie looking at him, at once weary and full of hope. Chewie had loved him as much as his own parents had, but he had loved Han more than anyone, and Ben could see both of those things warring in his uncle’s eyes as he regarded him in Hans chair.

But Ben took it as a blessing with Chewie nods and then turns to look out the viewport. He’s a forgiving sort, and Ben thinks that, despite it all, he’s happy to sit next to another Solo.

*********************

 

Calm…

Silence…

Tranquility…

Trust your feelings…lean into them and…

“You do know we haven’t moved in like, a day right?”

Ben breathed in deeply through his nose and then let it out. He turned to look at Finn, who was sitting next to him in the copilot seat, for someone that hated him so much, Ben was confused about why he insisted on being in the cockpit with him. Was it boredom? Curiosity? Or did he want to assure that Ben wasn’t taking the Falcon into a trap?

Either way, his presence was a slight detraction from trying to tap into the voice he certainly hoped was real and not some figment of his imagination.

“I’m aware,” said Ben, looking forward out the viewport.

“Okay,” said Finn. “I was just checking, because…it seemed like you weren’t.”

“Thank you for the help,” said Ben.

“No problem,” Finn returned, his voice laced with snark. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be to keep track of a magic invisible planet.”

“Force planet,” corrected Ben, his voice quivering with wavering patience. Finn was right though; it had been a few days at this point and any certainty Ben began with had worn off, and he was uncomfortable leaving this particular corner of space when his instincts were telling him to stay put for now.

“Oh forgive me, yes, Force planet,” said Finn with a nod. “Force planet that is invisible and shows up at a random whim. Convenient.”

“It’s terribly inconvenient, actually.”

Finn let out a snort of a laugh before standing to his feet and stretching out as tall as he could in the cramped cockpit.

“Let us know if the invisible, magic planet shows up,” said Finn, making his way out of the cockpit.

“ You’ll be the first one I alert,” said Ben sardonically.

Finn rolled his eyes and moved to leave just as Rey was trying to enter.

“Oh,” she said. “Cramped in here.”

“No worries,” said Finn. “I was just leaving…” he leaned in toward Rey and finished in a feuxe-whisper. “Careful, he is…in…a…mood.”

Rey muffled a laugh and patted Finn on the shoulder before stepping past him.

Rey could feel the concentration pooling around Ben.  She stepped into the space between the two seats and wordlessly held out a protein pack. Ben looked at the tube she extended to him, and then back to her before accepting it with a nod. She sat next to him in the copilot seat, tucking her legs beneath her and gazing listlessly out the viewport. They sat in silence for several long moments before Ben spoke.

“You like it out here,” he said, a statement more than a question.

She nodded, making a small sound of affirmation. Ben seemed to be mulling that over. It was odd to her the way he did that. Any small insignificant thing about her, Ben seemed to give weight and thought too, as if any one part of her was just as important as the next.

“Does that surprise you,” she asked with a small laugh.

“A little.”

Rey looked at him, telling him to go one with a look.

“I just…it’s kind of lonely out here, no?”

She shrugged. “I guess so….sometimes.”

“At Starkiller, I felt how alone you are,” he said. “It just surprises me that you’d hurry back into isolation.”

“I guess I’ve never thought that hard about it,” said Rey. “I was lonely on Jakku but… I think what made me so lonely was the longing and the hoping for them to come back.” She looked back out into the stretch of space in front of them. “I don’t feel that anymore.”

“It’s not quite as bad when you’re the one people are waiting on, not the other way around.”

Rey tensed sensing something in his voice; the same sensation she had anytime he stared at her, all confusion, knowing and wonder.

“Maybe I just got used to being alone,” she said. “Maybe it got into me to young and I can’t be anything else.”

Ben barked out a short laugh, that made her glare at him.

“What,” she snapped.

“I’m sorry,” said Ben. “But that’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.”

Anger flushed Rey’s cheeks.

“Well you’ve got it all figured out I guess,” she said, moving to stand. But Ben’s hand shot out, and pressed against her knee, willing her back into the seat.

“No,” he protested. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean…it’s just that I’ve never met someone who needed so strongly to identify with someone, or something.”

Rey still bristled at that, recalling his accusation that she had sought her parents in Han and in Luke.

“It’s not a bad thing,” said Ben. “It’s just you’re one of the last people I would say was built to be alone. You figured out how to do it because you’re strong and resilient. But, come on, you took on a stray BB unit, you jumped onto a junk freighter to fly a defected stormtrooper out of harm’s way. You seek people out and they seek you out.” He turned and looked at her, his hand relaxing against her knee. “It’s the way it always should have been Rey, and somehow, despite your isolation, you found a way to become that person. So I wouldn’t worry too much that you’re someone who enjoys her alone time, it doesn’t change who you are.”

Rey had settled into her seat again.  He wasn’t wrong. She had been feeling immense guilt over enjoying her time in space, about being away from the Resistance. She had spent the first 19 years of her life alone, so she SHOULD be ecstatic to be around people. Or so she had thought. To hear that it was okay to want both, helped to quell the guilt.

“Are you built to be alone,” asked Rey.

“I…I have no idea what I am built to do,” he said. “I didn’t do a lot of the building,” he added with a dark laugh.

Rey gently laid her hand on his, tucking her fingers under his palm as much as her fingers could reach. Ben looked down at her hand, small and rough with callouses and work, the fingers were splayed out as if trying to cover the whole of his.

She nestled further into the chair and closer her eyes. Ben slowly looked away from her hand and back to the window.

Suddenly it was less of a struggle to feel that calmness and the tranquility.

********

Rey could hear it, as clear as day, a voice calling to her; different then the Abeloth; it was like a gentle hum, familiar but ineffable.

First there was the voice, and then, the feeling of her body jerking forward violently. It was as if the iron in her blood was being pulled toward some enormous magnet.  She let out a yelp and grabbed hold of the sides of the chair to steady herself. She turned to Ben. He was on his feet, gripping the control console and leaning as far as he could over it.

“Ben…what…” she stopped, her mouth slightly agape at the sight before them. Eerily, suspended in the middle of space was a shadowing, hulking shape. She was certain it had not been there a moment ago. It looked like a giant pyramid sitting on a mirror, resting on its own inverse.  It was both awe-inspiring and deeply frightening.

And every part of her, as though acting against her will, wanted to be there. But she couldn’t tell what part of her. Was it Rey? Or was it the Abeloth? All she could do was silently hope that it was the former.

“Is that…”

“Yes,” he said. “It’s pulling us in.”

Ben was right. They were, most certainly, committed at this point, like fish caught in a net being tugged from safety.

“Hey, so I was in the middle of a status report from Rose when the connection got completely severed, do you…” Finn’s voice faltered. He grabbed the back of Rey’s chair and leaned forward, squinting into space. “Is that…is… what the hell is that?”

“Mortis,” said Ben. 

“Took you long enough, Solo…” Ben almost turned to respond to Finn, before realizing it wasn’t him at all.

“Now is when you think it was helpful for you to show up?”

“Come now, you didn’t expect me to walk you in by the hand; you had to learn to start trusting your lighter instincts, that rage isn’t the only useful way to connect with the Force.”

“Okay, lesson learned.”

“I hope so,” the voice said, a hint of sadness in it’s usually acerbic voice. “I really hope so, Ben.”

The pyramids began to twist in opposite directions, slowly opening and letting out long beams blinding white light.

“What’s next,” asked Finn slowly, still staring at the ground strip of light being released as the top and bottom pyramid separated from each other.

Before anyone could answer the Falcon shot forward, as if going into lightspeed, caught in the beams. Rey could hear a ringing in her ears as they were sucked into the source of the light, the pyramids opening to consume them.

Rey felt a ringing in her ears, and a splitting in her heart. She could hear Finn crumple to the floor behind her, and Ben was double over in the seat. She felt as though she were simultaneously being pressed into a tight ball, and being pulled apart into a million little pieces. 

She felt the Force being yanked from her body and being flooded into it with so much speed she was starting to see black with explosions of stars in her line of sight.

Had this been a mistake?

Would they all die on this ship, sucked into some kind of wormhole?

And then, almost as abruptly as it began, the pressure abated and the Falcon had stopped moving. Rey slowly, shakily stood to her feet, and looked out the viewport.

Finn let out a loud groan as he pushed himself up off the floor. Rey turned and offered him a hand.

“Are you alright,” she asked, worriedly cupping his face and examining him.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah I’m okay, just…a little disoriented.”

Rey looked at Ben.

“Ben, are you all right,” she asked. “You look pale.”

“How can you tell,” mouthed Finn, earning him a slight smack from Rey as she moved over to Ben, who was sitting in the seat, bent over at the waste, taking in deep breathes.

“I’m fine,” he assured. “It’s just…the planet… it’s…”

“Overwhelming,” said Rey putting a hand on his back and patting it soothingly. “I feel it too.”

It was like her sensitivity had been magnified. She could see, sense and hear the current of the Force around her, whistling through caverns and rocks. But unlike Ben, she was eager to step out into it. She wanted to feel it outside of the cage of the Falcon, and to soak it up from the very earth itself.

She helped Ben ease to his feet, and three of them excited the Falcon on their wobbly space-legs. Rey was taken aback immediately; the planet was not what she expected. She felt the Force flowing through it. She had expected light, and life, but she was met instead with a stark, grey terrain of treacherous mountains, and jagged broken cliffs. She looked out in the distance and saw the remains of some structure nestled on the edge of one of the mountains, but it looked as though it had long collapsed. There was a dull, sepia light that covered the planet, though Rey could not find the source. There was some plant life that had sprouted, from between broken boulders that littered the space as though they had fallen like meteors, straight from the sky.

She could feel life in the dirt beneath her feet, the Force was still strong here, no doubt. But she would not have guessed simply by looking.  The planet seemed, and felt, deeply sad. Rey closed her eyes and breathed. She could feel it, the planet was calling out for something, for anyone; it craved the Force and someone to wield it.

That more than anything, overwhelmed Rey.

“Is this is,” asked Finn, looking around. “All that for a pile of rocks?”

“The dagger is here somewhere,” said Ben.

“Okay,” said Finn, with a nod. “Where?”

Ben ignored him, and ventured further away from the ship, walking along the side of the cliff that was closest to them, running his hands over the face of it.

“Huh,” called Finn. “Do we…tell me we actually KNOW where it is?”

“I wish we could,” said Rey with a small laugh.

Finn took a few deep breathes. “Okay,” he said. “I’m not gunna get mad,” he said more to himself then to Rey or Ben. “I need to start trusting you guys and the magical Force that inexplicably brings something out of nothing in very infuriating ways that leave the rest of us feeling like we are on the edge of disaster. But that’s just how it is, and I’m going to just have to accept that.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” said Ben, who was still exploring the edges of the mountain, peaking into the caverns and caves that surrounded them. Chew poked his head out of the Falcon and called for Ben.

“Yeah that sounds about right,” he said, still exploring the terrain.

“What,” asked Finn.

“Chewie says the Falcon is completely shut down, communication is out, and it won’t get off the ground.”

“Stupid Force planet…” muttered Finn.

Rey closed her eyes and knelt, laying a hand tenderly on the surface of the planet, feeling the Force coursing beneath it like a river, longing to be untapped. She looked around and bit her lip nervously, feeling a tad moronic at her next move.

“Okay planet,” she said, curling her fingers around the dirt and the rocks beneath her palm. “Hi…I’m, I’m Rey. And I can tell your sad, or maybe, you feel sad. Someone’s sad. But we need help.”

“Rey,” she looked up at Ben who was standing over her, his face curious.

_Could he hear her?_

“Uh, what are you doing,” he asked.

“I’m…” she fought the sheepish look creeping onto her features back, and looked at him with a false certainty. “I’m talking to the planet,” she said with a nod of self-affirmation. Ben seemed to consider that for a moment, wavering between commenting and keeping his mouth shut, before he finally just nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “Let us know…what it has to say…”

He turned and continued his own exploration of the area.

Rey cleared her throat, and then rolled her eyes at herself, before closing her eyes, and once again pouring herself into the planet.

“Okay like I was saying…”

“It’s not going to do any good Rey…”

Rey felt a chill run down her spine and her hands suddenly became clammy and wet.

“What,” said the voice, with a scolding tsk in her mouth. “Did you think you could hide from me here. Remember, even as you grow stronger in the Force, I grow stronger too.” The voice laughed in delight, and Rey felt tears squeeze from her closed eyes as she tried to block out the voice and focus on her task.

“Ummm…here’s the thing planet I…”

“You’re looking for the Dagger,” said the Abeloth. “Clever. But it won’t work. I’m a part of you Rey, and you’re a part of me. No matter what, you and I are going to be together, forever.”

“Only if the Force wills it,” spat Rey, her fingers digging even further into the gravel beneath her.  Abeloth let out a derisive snort.

“The Force,” she spat. “Foolish child, I am above the Force. The Force serves me, I do not serve it. I am even too powerful for the Force to contain.”

It was Rey’s turn to laugh.

“Then you’re the fool if you believe that. You are just as much subject to the will of the Force as anything. The Force made you powerful, you aren’t better then the thing that made you.”

“I am Chaos embodied, dear one,” she cooed. “I am above light and dark and balance and….”

Suddenly the voice stopped, abruptly and without warning, and Rey sprung to her feet, compelled to move.

“Ben, Finn,” she called, waving them over hurriedly, her eyes were locked forward, at the face of the jagged mountain that enclosed them. They had to get to the other side, she could feel it, something was there, she could feel it tugging at her.

“What,” asked Finn, hurrying over and looking around. “What is it?”

“We have to get to the top,” she said. “That’s where we are supposed to be.”

“The top,” said Finn, looking at the mountain, and pointing. “So like climb?”

“You afraid of heights,” asked Ben tauntingly.

“Noo,” said Finn. “I am not. I have a healthy fear of falling to my death, something you wouldn’t know anything about because you have magical force powers.”

“Don’t worry,” said Rey, with a comforting smile. “Our magical Force powers will help keep you on the ledge too.”

Finn didn’t look comforted by that.

“We really have to get to the top,” he asked. Rey nodded. “And we are sure that the Falcon is not working right now.”

Chew poked his head out again and howled at them.

“Yeah,” said Ben with a nod. “And Chewie doesn’t know why,” he said. “Our navigation, our communication, our power source, all of it isn’t responding.”

Finn let out a defeated sigh.

“Okay,” he said with a nod. “Let’s go.”

“Don’t worry,” said Ben passing Finn and walking toward the mountain. “You’ll get back to Dameron in one piece.”

Finn glared at him but offered no other response in return.  Chewie began to descend toward the ground, but Ben turned toward him.

“You should stay with the ship,” he said. “We don’t know what else is on the planet, or who else. We need someone to stay with the Falcon.”

Chewie opened his mouth to protest but Finn interjected.

“Yeah that’s a good idea,” he said. “I don’t want to be stranded here forever, it’s worse than Jakku.”

**********

To Finn’s relief, the ledge that Rey led them to was quite walkable in a single file, it zigzagged up the edge of the mountain, where, he realized more then once on the trip, they would then have to climb down, and then back over once again.  All in all it felt like the least convenient way to do things, but when ensconced between cliffs with a fault ship, he supposed there weren’t many other options.

The ledge, however, was relatively secure, etched out of the cliff at one point for the purpose of walking. He wondered by who. There were several breaks in the ledge, caused by rockslides, but other then that, it wasn’t as terrifying as he imagined. Except for when he would make the mistake of looking down in sheer curiosity or looking to see how much further they had to go.

He walked between Rey and Ben, and while not entirely comfortable with Ben being behind him at first, he soon forgot. He recognized that Ben had had many chances to turn on them, and at this point, he would have no idea to what end. But no matter what he couldn’t seem to shake the nagging fear that egged at him anytime Ben was in the same room with him. It was the same twisting in the pit of his stomach he would get when Kylo Ren would show up to trainings, when he would pass him on ships and the base, the feeling that at any moment he could snap and destroy him.  His fits of rage had become legendary, and he lived in perpetual fear of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it wasn’t something he could just make his mind stop doing, even if, at this point, he wished he could.

There were a few moments he wanted to reaffirm that Rey knew what she was doing. But he thought better of it. Whatever was compelling her forward, very well may be whatever had compelled Ben to the planet in the first place. He didn’t have to completely understand it to trust her, even though he wished he did.

Not that he envied her use of the Force. From all he could tell, it was a burden, one that he would not want to bear, albeit a convenient burden at times. But would any of this be happening to Rey if not for the Force, would Ben be a perfectly normal man, not crackling with anxiety from head to toe, if not for the Force?

He understood that the Force was not a thing to be believed or not; liked or not. It simply was.

“How are you doing, Finn,” asked Rey.

“All right,” he said. “Good as long as I don’t look down.”

Rey’s eyes turned upward, her body tensing slightly. Finn mimicked her gaze, he hadn’t looked up in a while, and somehow missed the fact that the sky had turned a menacing blue, any light and warmth completely gone.

Then he looked up, they still had quite a bit to go.

“We should keep moving,” said Ben. Finn could all but feel the man’s body shift, as if tensing for upcoming danger.

“Yeah,” said Finn. “I agree let’s get to the top.”

Rey nodded and kept walking, continually looking up to the sky. Finn tried to ignore it, tried not to instinctively look himself. He saw Rey pick up the pace, she moved to a faster walk, to a slow trot, and then to a small job. Finn swallowed nervously.

“Rey,” he said. “What’s…” He didn’t get to finish before a bolt of lightning slammed against the side of the cliff, right in front of Rey. She stumbled backward into Finn, but her feet remained planted on the surface. Rey looked around panicky, assuring that her whole party was still on the ledge. Finn was clinging hard to the side of the cliff, and Ben’s hands were outstretched to maintain balance.

Finn looked up and saw pockets of lightning forming all over and then slicing through the sky in a flash. From above their head, atop the cliff, several bolts struck the side of the cliff sending a cascade of rocks falling onto the group.

“Go,” yelled Ben. Finn resisted for a moment, his instincts telling him not to run, especially now that he felt the moisture of rain on his face. But he could hear the clacking of rocks and boulders bouncing against the face of the cliff. So he ran after Rey, who was clearly the most sure-footed of the group, years of scavenging and traversing a precarious landscape of cruisers, commands ships and star destroyers coming in quite handy in the moment. She leapt over spots where the rocks had broken the ledge, and Finn tried to mimic her every movement. She skidded to a stop as a boulder fell past her, narrowly missing her face, and a domino effect of falling into each other and off the ledge.

They kept running. Finn could hear Ben’s grunts of concentration as he deflected as many falling boulders as he could from crashing into their path. Finn’s gaze flicked up and he was seized with fear, the rain was falling thick and hard, but he could still see that they had quite a ways to go until they got to the top.

Is this it? Is this how he goes? Not at the hands of the First Order, not in a scrappy no-chance of succeeding mission, but here? On this magic planet that appeared and disappeared seemingly without rhyme or reason. With his best friend, and…Ben Solo?

Force, he hoped not.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as the explosive lights peppered the whole sky in front of them and behind them, and it would be sheer dumb luck if one of them didn’t get him.

And suddenly all he could think about was Poe, and the same promise he had made to himself over and over again the past few months.

_Okay, this time I mean it_ , he thought. _If I make it out of here, I’m going to tell Poe how I…_

“Finn!”

He heard Rey scream out but not in enough time. He heard the explosion and could see it coming in a flash, right to where he was standing

Oh, this how you’re going to die, he thought. Right here, burnt to a crisp.

He braced himself for the impact, but it never came, he felt his body falling but not off the cliff but down to his knees.

Finn swallowed hard and slowly, and carefully opened one eye. He could feel the heat from the bolt close by, he could even smell the change in the air around him. He opened his eyes fully and saw Rey standing in front of him, her hand reached out to him, her mouth agape.

Finn looked up slowly and saw the bolt crackling a few feet away from him, another second and it would have lanced through his chest. He looked up from the place where he was pushed down to his knees. Ben was standing over him, one hand on his shoulder and the other one reached out over him, fingers stretched toward the bolt of lightening that had yet to fall.

“Let’s keep moving, shall we,” said Ben.

Finn shakily shifted under the bolt careful not to get too close. He looked at the bolt one more time and back to Ben.

“Come on Finn,” said Rey, tugging at his hand. Finn turned slowly and started running again. He looked back briefly to see Ben flick his wrist and deflect the bolt elsewhere. 

They continued moving along the ledge, slowing down for the sections that shortened in width and picking up pace again when it allowed. Then, finally, Rey skidded to a stop, and Finn almost let out a “whoop” of joy when he saw the mouth of a cave in the face of the mountain.

Rey stepped into the darkness first, closely followed by Finn. He squinted into the darkness, he could see a dull, blue light coming from somewhere a little deeper into the cave.

“Well it’s dry at least,” said Finn. “What do you think it’s got by way of amenities?”

“I am sure comfortable beds and hot showers are just a little bit further down,” said Rey, stepping gingerly on the uneven ground. Rey continued to walk into the belly of the mountain, toward the source of the blue glow in the distant.

Although they could see the glowing light in the distance, the cave was extremely dark. Finn pressed his hands against the wall of the cave as he walked behind Rey, grounding himself as much as he could. But Rey was walking with certainty, as though she was being guided by something else.

They had made it to the end of the cave, where bouquets of blue-white crystals shot up from the ground in bunches, the heart of the crystals emanating with the calming blue light.

“So, we’ll just hang out here until the storm lets up,” asked Finn.

“That’s the plan,” said Rey. “Hopefully it isn’t too long.” She looked around the cave, bending to examine one of the crystals. “If I had known we were going camping I would have packed food.”

“Tsk,” said Finn, with the shake of his head. “The Jakku scavenger forgot food?” He threw her a smile and held out a ration bar. Rey faked a glare at him before gratefully accepting the bar and settling onto the ground.

“Since we don’t know what’s on the planet I think we should probably sleep in shifts,” said Ben. “We can get some rest and then keep moving in the morning.”

Rey nodded and moved to stand up. “You were flying the Falcon,” she said. “I can…”

“I’m fine,” said Finn. “You guys should both rest and I’ll sit up and…” he looked around the cave. “Count how many crystals there are?”

“Thanks Finn,” said Rey settling back down and taking a bite of the ration she held before laying her head down against her arm and closing her eyes.

“I’ll relieve you in a few hours,” said Ben.  Finn nodded and turned to walk away, a bit closer to the mouth of the cave. But then something in Finn made him stop and turn.

“Hey Ben,” he called out. Ben turned to look at him. Finn felt his face flush, and he awkwardly kicked the toe of his boot into the ground. “Can I have a word.”

“Uh…sure,” said Ben, as though it were a question. He made his way after Finn, moving far enough from Rey so as not to disturb her rest. Finn noted she didn’t even look up when he called for Ben. He knew she hadn’t been sleeping well, and while her sleep was fitful, it came fast if she took the time to close her eyes.  Then, she may be awake, but sparing Finn the embarrassment of an audience.

“I just…uh…here…” he said, holding out a ration bar. Ben looked at him for a moment as though he had gone mad, and then quickly nodded, reaching out and accepting it.

“Thank you,” he said hurriedly.

“Uh, no…” said Finn, his voice low and struggling. “Thank you for…thank you for saving me today. I was almost toast.”

“It was nothing,” said Ben.

Finn felt a familiar bite of frustration for Ben but struggled to beat it back. He knew he should just leave with a thank-you and be done with it. But he didn’t know if he would pluck up the fortitude to have this conversation any other time, he better capitalize on the wave of benevolence he was currently feeling for Ben, as he imagined it would be short-lived.

“I know you probably didn’t want to do it,” said Finn, his voice harsher then he meant for it to be. But Ben looked thoroughly unfazed by it.

“Why wouldn’t I have wanted to,” he asked, an honest confusion in his voice.

“Well,” said Finn. “You… you hate me, don’t you?”

Ben’s eyes squinted temporarily, confusedly processing Finn’s question, before slowly shaking his head.

“I don’t hate you,” he said. Finn opened his mouth to argue but Ben interrupted him. “I don’t particularly like you,” he finished. “But it’s…difficult for me to be around you, right now…”

Now, Finn felt confused. He suddenly felt very scrutinized, finding out that Ben had any sort of nuanced feelings toward him, shocked him.

“Uh…why,” asked Finn.

“Because,” said Ben. “You’re a reminder of how tremendously I have failed.”

Finn’s eyes hardened. “Oh,” he said. “You mean the trooper program… well you’re right it’s…”

“No,” said Ben, with a firm shake of his head. “That was Hux’s failure, one that I took much personal enjoyment in. That’s not it at all.”

Finn looks at him intently, maybe for the first time, really taking him in, the heaviness in his face and the weariness in his eyes.  He was speaking honestly to Finn, he could tell. Ben, for all his faults, wasn’t a good liar, perhaps that’s why he used to wear the mask, his face betrayed too much. 

“Rey and my mother,” said Ben. “They put so much on the fact that I was a child when seduced by Snoke. That I was driven by Luke’s betrayal, and the unfortunate blood of Vader that runs in my veins. All of those things that are out of my control. It’s easier for them to believe that, it’s the only way they can contend with…with all the horrible things that I have done. Sometimes, it’s enough to convince even myself.  But…” he paused and looked at Finn, his brown eyes probing in a way that made Finn squirm with their openness, “then there’s you, FN-2187”

“What do you…what do you mean?”

“I know what the trooper program did; the manipulation, the brainwashing, the programming, plucked from your home before you even had a chance to know a family of your own.  You still walked away. I didn’t.”

Finn was, somehow, comforted by the fact that Ben had the same misgivings he did. Ben didn’t delude himself about the evil he had done. Maybe that meant something.

Finn thought of the troopers, men he would’ve called friends, men he was a hairs-breadth away from becoming, who did go through with it all. Was Ben much different than they were? Would he welcome them back if they were able to run, to escape and hope for a chance at redemption for all that they had done for the First Order? Finn would like to think he would.

“I don’t know a lot about the Force,” said Finn, finally, with a sigh of resignation in his voice. “I’ve picked up stuff here and there, but for the most part it’s a mystery to me. I don’t fully understand the war between the light and the dark, but I can’t imagine it’s an easy one when you’re a Skywalker.” He paused. “And I remember enough of the old stories to know that some of the ones that were bad, they used to be really good. So, I guess, it’s not impossible to imagine the opposite might be true.”

“I wouldn’t call myself good,” said Ben.

“I wouldn’t either,” returned Finn with a shrug. “I don’t know what to call you. But you’re not bad either.”

The two men stood in silence for a moment before Finn finally broke it.

“This doesn’t mean we’re friends now does it?”

“Nah…” said Ben hurriedly. “Just…semi-non-hostile acquaintances who occasionally nod curtly at one another.”

“Sounds doable,” said Finn.

Ben nodded, and without another word walked back, deeper into the belly of the cave, leaving Finn to begin his watch.

***********

Rey found one of the benefits of having her energy and body leached by a foreign presence, was how much energy she burned in a day.  She rarely slept without nightmares now, but her body was always eager for any morsel of sleep.

But this was different, she wasn’t in a nightmare, but she wasn’t quite dreaming either. This felt very different. She saw Ben’s sleeping form close by, in the darkness she could see Finn’s form, leaned up against the wall of the cave, throwing a pebble up and down to amuse himself. Everything was how it should be, as it was before she slept.

But everything was hazy and fuzzy, not quite rooted in reality, like she was looking at a picture that someone drew of her surroundings, accurate enough but not quite right. 

“Hello, there.”

Rey let out a small yelp, not only because the voice surprised her but also because she knew the voice. Rey squinted into the darkness, the form of the person who spoke obscured in the darkness, though she didn’t need to see the speaker to know. The figure leaned forward, elbows resting on knees, into the light of the blue crystals. Rey could now fully see the freckled skin, the hazel eyes, the brown hair, styled exactly as her own.

“I see your all I have still,” said Rey.

The vision Rey, the ghost Rey, whatever Rey this was, laughed, a light tinkling laugh that made her heart ache.

“Oh yes, still caught up in that are you?”

Rey bristled defensively at the way the other Rey spoke so casually of it.

“Yes,” she said, sitting up completely now. “Yes, I’m still caught up in that, sorry.” The corner of the other Rey’s mouth quirked up in a patient smile.  “What,” continued Rey, her voice filled with frustration. “I’m supposed to be happy that I’m a blip,” she gestured at Ben’s sleeping form. “That I am nothing?”

“That wasn’t what was revealed to you in the cave,” explained the other Rey. “You’re willfully misunderstanding.” Rey opened her mouth to argue, to fight, to push back, but the other Rey continued unfettered. “You do that willfully because that fear controls you, that fear that your all alone. That fear has been your faithful companion and you’re afraid of letting it go.”

“That’s not true,” shouted Rey, her fingers clenching into shaking fists. She turned, to make sure she didn’t wake anyone up, forgetting that that would be quite impossible right now.

“Really,” said the other Rey, raising a skeptical eyebrow. Rey stepped closer, opening her mouth again, but immediately closed it. “It’s true. And that okay. That fear has kept you alive, kept you moving, kept you searching, so it’s okay that you don’t know how to let it go yet.  But it doesn’t do you any good to ignore it. You must face it, or it’s always going to control you. The same way it controls her.”

Rey heard something snap inside of her, like a cracking in her ears. “I am not like her,” she screamed out, her voice echoing down the hallway, a question lingering at the end of the statement. “She’s a monster.”

“So was he,” said Rey, nodding toward Ben’s sleeping form. “He still felt sadness, loneliness, and all of those human feelings.” Other Rey propped her elbows up on her knees and leaned closer, studying Rey. “You weren’t so afraid of the dark once, why now?”

“Because,” spat Rey, looking down at the floor, averting from the gaze fixed on her. “Because it’s made me a monster too.”

“Oh no,” said other Rey, her voice awash with deep love and compassion. “No,” she said again. “You are powerful, but you have so much left to learn and much more to unlearn. The dark is not the enemy you’ve made it out to be.”

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breathe.

“That’s not what Master Luke sa…”

“You should really take Ben’s advice,” interrupted Rey.

“What?”

Other Rey’s head lulled to the side appraisingly, but she didn’t say anything as answer. Rey swallowed hard and slowly went back to the ground, her anger abating, replaced by a sad resignation. She looked up at other Rey, through a film of tears. She took in the face in front of her, it was her, but still so different then the Rey she had been lately.

She felt a hand on her head, calmly running through her hair. Rey suddenly felt the tears streaming down her face, exhaustion, sadness, fear, uncertainty all coming to a head in her tired soul.

“I’m afraid,” she said finally. “I’m so so afraid.”

“I know.”

Rey held her knees tightly and leaned forward, her forehead resting against other Rey’s knees.

“I don’t want to do this.”

“I know.”

“But I have too,” she said, softly. “Don’t I?”

Rey felt her hand move to her cheek and gently guided her to move her face upward.

“You don’t have to do anything,” said Other Rey. “It’s for you to decide, Rey.

“But,” said Rey. “It’s the only way to…to defeat her isn’t it.”

Other Rey, for the first time, revealed a looked of sadness and conflict her brow furrowing in a brief flicker of distress, before she nodded slowly.

“Yes, it is.”

Rey closed her eyes even tighter and let out a strangled sob before laying her head back down on Rey’s knees. She was terrified. It had been at the back of her head, what she would have to do. How she would have to do it. The realization had been slowly working its way to the front of her consciousness and when she had come here and being here had unleashed it completely. The connection to the Force being so strong, had fully awakened her to the gravity of the situation, the toll that this final battle would take.

She felt other Rey’s arms wrap around her, holding her tight and safe. She pressed a small kiss to the top of her head.

“You’ve come so far,” she said. “From the little girl on Jakku. You’ve done so much. You’ve stepped up in places where you didn’t have to.” Other Rey paused and pressed her forehead to Rey’s. “Just remember, no matter what. You are not alone.”

Rey nodded, frantically, as if trying to convince herself that she believed her word. Dream Rey gave her one more soft, bittersweet smile, and then, as suddenly as she had drifted into sleep, Rey startled awake, her tiny gasp of air echoing in the cave. Rey licked her lips and looked around blearily, blinking away the haze. Ben was still sleeping a few feet away.  She slowly stood, her body protesting and popping as she stretched out. She quietly made her way towards the mouth of the cave. She could see Finn sitting at the edge of it, looking out into the still dark night.

Rey quietly sat down beside him and looked out across the planet, at night it looked especially treacherous and menacing.  They didn’t speak as Rey lay her head against Finn’s shoulder, inhaling the smell of the rain and the crackling energy outside.

“How was your rest,” asked Finn.

Rey closed her eyes tightly. Could she keep lying to her best friend? Should she? How much of all of this did he, or anyone, need to know, and if they did know would it endanger the mission? Would they be willing to do what needed to be done?

Rey knew Ben wouldn’t, and it made her heart ache. Ben was so single-minded, and if he had to choose between the world burning and losing her, she believed she knew what Ben would choose. Finn though…. she wasn’t sure. She was certain he’d fight her on it, assure that every option was explored but at the end of the day, he had people too. He had Poe and Rose who he loved dearly, she couldn’t imagine how it would destroy him to have to choose who meant more, who he had to lose.

“It was okay,” she said not quite a lie but also not quite the truth. “I dreamt a lot.”

Finn nodded.

“Can you believe we are here,” she asked finally, reaching over and taking Finn’s hand in bother of hers. “When you were with the First Order, did you ever imagine…”

“No, way,” said Finn. “I never thought I’d make it out alive.” He turned and looked down at her. “Did you ever think we would be here?”

“No,” said Rey. “I thought I would be on Jakku forever, by myself, waiting for my parents. I thought maybe they’d come, for a long time, but I never thought I’d leave Jakku.”

“And now you’re a leader in the Resistance, and the soon-to-be savior of the galaxy,” said Finn with a smile. “My baby has grown up so much.”

Rey rolled her eyes, but she lifted her head from Finn’s shoulder and smiled at him. She loved him so much, his face, his smile, his warmth, all of him just made her feel like everything would be okay…even if she knew it wouldn’t.

“Finn,” she said, her voice soft and sincere, Finn’s expression changed from one of gentle teasing to one of intentness. “I…I never have really thanked for…for everything.” She squeezed his hand and smiled. “For this…beautiful, insane life I get to live now. If it wasn’t for you I’d still be on Jakku. So much has happened because of you.”

“Rey…”

“I just… I wanted to say that…before… before things get too crazy. I love you so much. You have made my life so much better by being in it. Your strength, your courage, the way you love people, all of it has made me a better person. And I just…I want you to know that… that you’re incredible.”

“Rey,” he said again, this time a tone of suspicion in his voice. “What are you talking about…what’s going on…”

“Nothing,” said Rey. “I just…I don’t know how…how all of this is going to shake out in the end, and I…”

“Yup,” said Finn. “That’s what I thought,” he said pulling away and turning so he was facing her completely. “Rey now is not the time for you to go all sensible on me, okay? You jump in, you believe you can save us all, and you do, so don’t start thinking realistically now.” He leaned in toward her and cocked his head to the side slightly, his eyes urging her to respond. “Okay,” he pressed.

Rey squeezed his hand. She would give him this. She had lied. She knew exactly how this would shake out if they were going to win, but for now, she would assure him.

“Okay, Finn,” she said. “You’re right.”

“That’s right, I’m right,” he said. “But, all the same, thank you for all those things you said. You can say those anytime you want, even if you we aren’t facing the destruction of our galaxy.”

“I’ll try and remember that,” said Rey.  “Now, why don’t you go and try and sleep for a bit, I don’t know how long nights are here, but hopefully we get some light soon and can continue.”

“Yeah,” said Finn, standing to his feet. “Can’t wait to continue our death defying climb over the mountain.”

Rey shot him a thumbs up over her shoulder as he retreated into the cave. When he was gone, Rey let out a heavy sigh and leaned back on her hands. They would find the Dagger, and then…she would do what she had to do.

She was terrified, more then she thought she would be. She had thought, when the time came to face the reality of it all, she would be brave. She would be a hero. But now, all she felt was fear, and a desire to remain hidden on Mortis, far away from the reach of the Abeloth.

********

Ben’s instinct when he first heard the voice, was to reach for his lightsaber. But when he looked it was not there. That made no sense. He scrambled to his feet and started to look around him, to see if he had dropped it nearby, but it was no where to be found. He whipped around frantically in the cave, he was alone.

“Looking for this…”

The voice again, causing his chest to squeeze and his heart to race in panic. He clenched his jaw and turned to look behind him, he raised his eyes to meet the gaze of his gnarled teacher.

“Snoke,” he said, his voice low and trembling. “You’re dead. I killed you.”

“Yes,” said Snoke, dangling the saber between his fingers, looking at it closely. “That seems to be what you do, Kylo Ren.”

“That’s not my name anymore,” said Ben through clenched teeth. He swung a hand up to retrieve his saber, but he passed right through Snoke’s body, just as he had done with Luke on Crait.  He was getting sick of that trick.

Snoke let out a menacing laugh.

“Yes, that’s what the girl would have you believe,” he snarled. “That you aren’t Kylo Ren anymore, that that murderous, treacherous child isn’t still flowing through your veins.”  Snoke leaned close, so close Ben could see the scars and dips and folds of his skin. “But you know better then that, don’t you Ren.”

Ben swallowed hard, fighting the urge to avert his eyes. It was a habit hard to break. He had always knelt before Snoke, his eyes turned downward or hidden behind a mask, but now he was staring him down, fighting against every natural instinct of self-preservation.

“You’re not here,” said Ben. “I killed you.”

“Yes,” said Snoke. ‘Me... the other students…Your father…it’s all you know how to do.”

“What do you want?”

“You’ll have to answer that question, child,” said Snoke, circling Ben like a predator. “This is your vision. Why would you conjure me up if you were truly a reformed Ben Solo?”

Ben turned with him, not letting his back show to Snoke, even though he knew he couldn’t hurt him. This was a dream, or a vision, nothing more. The Force was strong in this place, but not so strong as to bring a bisected Snoke back to life.  All the same, he was keeping his guard up as the old vulture circled him.

“You’re trying so hard to play the part of the hero,” laughed Snoke. “Why? Why waste all those years of training, of working, only to turn your back on it all now.”

“I turned my back when I joined you,” spat Ben. “That was the mistake I made. Listening to you.”

“And I made you powerful beyond your wildest dreams,” said Snoke. “Do you really think that I could have turned you without the help of that selfish little heart of yours.”

Ben’s whole body was shaking with anger, but he couldn’t bring a protest from his mouth.  There was no one here, no one to posture for, and Snoke could always see the deepest parts of him, the parts he desperately wanted to keep hidden.

“You’ve tried your hardest to convince yourself that you have turned to the light,” said Snoke. “But…at the end of the day you’re the same selfish child.”

“You’re wrong,” said Ben, his voice shaking with his own uncertainty. “You were wrong about me then and you are wrong about me now.”

“Is that so,” said Snoke, a sneer in his voice. He had stopped circling Ben and crossed his arms across his chest, looking down at him again. “Then tell me, Ben Solo,” the name dripped with disdain from his mouth. “Tell me that thing that you’re so afraid of, that which you know in your heart of hearts to be true.”

“Shut up,” growled Ben. “You’re dead. You’re not here. You know nothing…”

“I know what you most fear as you face the Abeloth,” said Snoke. “I know the truth of your nasty heart, the fact that you would let the world burn before you sacrificed what you most want. Tell me that isn’t true, Ben Solo. Tell me that you wouldn’t put what you want before the good of the whole galaxy.”

Ben’s jaw clenched, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will his old master from his presence.

“It…doesn’t…have…to…be that way,” he growled out. “I will find a way.”

“Will you,” said Snoke with a laugh. “You know there is no other way, you know in your heart, just as she does, what must be done to defeat the Abeloth. But, as always, you aren’t willing to do what needs to be done. You are weak. You are selfish. You are nothing.”

Ben shook his head and turned away from Snoke, his eyes closed trying to wake himself up, to pull himself from this dream or this vision.

“She is lost,” said Snoke. “She belongs to her.  And when she is lost you will find how tenuous your turn to the light truly is.”

Ben let out a scream of rage and turned to lung at Snoke, forgetting he was in a dream, forgetting that Snoke was not actually here. He felt himself falling toward the ground, having passed completely through Snoke, and then with a jerk of panic he spasmed awake. He looked frantically around the cave, in search of Snoke. He looked down to see the saber clipped to his belt, and a few yards away Finn was sleeping soundly.

Ben could still feel his heart pounding and the adrenaline pumping through his veins. He struggled to catch his breath, to regain his footing, to make sense of what he had seen.

It wasn’t real. It wasn’t true. It was a manifestation of his fear and anxiety, his worry, but it wasn’t true.  It wasn’t a vision. I was just a nightmare. He repeated this to himself until his breathing settled and his body relaxed.

It was not a vision.

It was not the truth.

They could all survive this.

He didn’t have to choose between Rey and the galaxy. That is ridiculous. That’s why they are here, to find a way to kill the Abeloth.

He swallowed hard, fighting back the churning panic.

Snoke was dead. He didn’t truly know him. He knew Kylo Ren, not Ben Solo.

Ben shakily stood to his feet. He could hear that the rain outside had abated, and he could see the glow of light at the mouth of the cave. The light had returned. He made his way to the mouth, where he could see Rey’s dark outline at the edge.

He wouldn’t have to choose.

He could save the galaxy and save Rey.

He had too.

He couldn’t face the alternative. He couldn’t face asking the question of whether or not Snoke was in fact right, because the answer to that question terrified him.

“I can hear your angst.”

Ben rolled his eyes and sat next to her, his legs dangling off the ledge next to hers.

“It’s very loud,” said Rey, turning to him and offering a wry smile.

“So, I’ve been told,” said Ben.

“You were dreaming,” said Rey.

“Nightmare.”

Rey nodded and looked down at her hands, picking at the edge of one of her nails.

“Yeah,” she said. “Must be the air.”

Something about her tone made Ben want to press, to ask her what she meant by that.  Had she dreamt too? Were hers similarly disturbing?

“Do you think the Force knows we are close to one another,” she asked, interrupted his thoughts.

Ben looked at her, curiously, unsure of what exactly she meant.

“As in physical proximity?”

She nodded. “Yes, the Force hasn’t really…connected us since…”

“Since you saved me,” finished Ben. Rey nodded, still looking out at the planet in front of her, suddenly so much less daunting in the light of day. “I think it probably knows.  I still…I feel you though,” he said. “I still can feel you.”

Rey nodded. Ben knew she did too.

“Does it bother you at all,” said Rey. “That it was…that it was Snoke who did it.”

“It did at first,” said Ben, with a nod. “It was one of a million reasons I wanted to kill him when the time came.”

Rey laughed. “Is that when you decided that you would kill him? When he threw the Force Bond in your face?”

Ben looked at her, in that way that compelled her to look and made her desperate to look away, a way that sucked all brevity out of a moment. His face was close again, like it had been out in the forest after they fought.  His eyes lingered on her eyes, and then down to her lips. He wanted her to hear him, to hear fully what he was trying to say to her.

“No, Rey,” he said. “I knew I was going to kill him the moment we touched hands in the hut. There was nothing else I could do, after that. Everything changed there.”

 “Everything,” she asked. “You still left me. You killed Snoke for me, and then you still… you still couldn’t choose me.”

Ben didn’t look away. He had underestimated, like the idiot he could be, how much that had hurt her. How that betrayal, to this day, tore at her when she looked at him.  He still hated himself for it. He had been so close, in that throne room, so close to what could have been, and now, despite everything, he wasn’t sure that that future was even possible. That regret still ate away at his heart, that regret that he may never be able to be all that he wanted to be for Rey, because she had opened herself up to him, she had crossed the galaxy and put so much trust in him. And, in that moment, he had failed her miserably.

“Rey…” he said her name with more desperation then he had intended, more pain then he thought he felt. He wanted to tell her, to tell her how sorry he was, to tell her why he was here, how far he would go if she asked him too.

“Finn’s awake,” said Rey, suddenly, pulling away from him and looking back out to the horizon. Ben turned around to the see Finn’s form slowly materializing out of the darkness.

Ben looked back at Rey, taking her in for another peaceful moment before they began their journey again.

Could he lose her? Could he be…good and selfless and heroic in the way she was? Did he need to be? Was there anything in between the selfless code of the Jedi and the selfish code of the Sith, some in-between that gave room for him to be human.

Because, he couldn’t imagine losing her, but he couldn’t imagine owning her either. He couldn’t imagine her being anything other then what she was, and who she was, was someone who was willing to die for her friends, willing to cross the galaxy to save someone who she considered an enemy. 

How does one love someone like that?


	15. Chapter 14

The group continued their upward trek up the mountain.  Rey at the head, still feeling that compelling voice telling her to move forward.  But now, her fears realized, it was battling with another voice, the one that made her blood run cold. 

“You should just stay here,” the voice cooed. “You can’t fight me, little one. Your friends will die in the process, and if you just stay here, if you stay here with the dagger, you and I can be together forever, and your friends…well they will move on without you.”

Rey wanted to respond but given that she was already talking to a planet, asking for directions to the dagger, she didn’t want to get her signals crossed. So, she just focused on blocking out the voice of the Abeloth in her head.

And she wanted to keep that conversation she had with the Other Rey locked away safely from Abeloth, protected in a corner of her brain, stored amid all her love, fear, and uncertainty. The only way she knew to do that was to ignore the Abeloth completely. She didn’t know how fortified her mind was against her, remembering how easily she took control before.

They were almost to the top. They were almost there, to the place where the voice was compelling her. It looked nothing more than ruins that were torn down long ago, but there was something at the heart of the collapsed monastery that was pulsing and calling to her.

The higher they got, the thinner the air, so they walked in silence, taking in big gulps of air when they could. But every step Rey took felt heavier and heavier, the irony of it all was not lost on her. She was hurrying, in a sense, to her death. 

A good death, perhaps, a noble one.  But her death none the less.

“You really don’t want to kill me,” said the Abeloth. “You know that you need me.”

Was she willing to die? Was she really willing to die? It was one thing, to go into battle with the knowledge that you very well could die, that was one thing she could do, because she would do everything to keep herself, and the men and women beside her, alive. It was something else all together to have victory contingent on your death.

There were moments, on the walk alone, where she was certain she could do it, only for that certainty to be replaced by fear and sadness and longing for all that she would miss. 

_The Force should have chosen someone a bit braver_ , she thought to herself. Because in the cold light of day, in her honest wrestling, she felt so deeply that she didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to die to save the galaxy or anyone else, she wanted to be there to enjoy the galaxy that they have worked so hard to create. She wanted to see the fruit of all they had sacrificed for, she didn’t want to be the final sacrifice, necessary to preserve it.

But that was what she is doing, as she marched toward the Dagger of Mortis.

“You can become one with me,” the Abeloth pressed. “Become one with me and you will never have to be alone again. And I won’t hurt your friends… you know what the path to resisting me leads to, don’t you Rey?”

Rey closed her eyes tightly and looked up, the last bit of the ledge required a vertical climb to the top.  She had to focus on that.  She turned toward Finn.

“Okay,” she said. “Now the fun part.”

Finn moved to look up, but Rey stopped him.

“Listen Finn,” she said. “It’s not as high as it looks, I promise. Don’t look up or down,” she said. “Just look at what’s right in front of you.”

Finn didn’t look convinced, but he nodded.”

“I’m going to go first,” said Rey. “So just watch where I put my hands and feet, I’m going to find the biggest and safest parts for you to grab onto. And Ben will be right behind you in case you fall.”

Finn’s eyes narrowed, and he looked back at Ben, who flashed him an uncharacteristic thumbs up. Rey could feel the fear churning from Finn, and while he was a capable fighter, and leader, he was, at the moment, terrified. For Rey, this was an easy climb, shorter then most of the wreckages she scaled and traversed on Jakku, but Finn was not so sure-footed.

Rey turned and grabbed onto the face of the cliff and pulled herself up. 

“You know…” said the Abeloth.

“Shut up,” she whispered finally. “If you keep talking I’ll fall and die, and neither of us will get what we want.”

“I was just going to say, you don’t have to climb at all, you can return to your ship, you can stay here, and I’ll come to you and we will live out our lives on this planet, together.”

“Tempting,” she breathed, reaching up to a protruding edge with plenty of finger space. “But no.”

“I don’t know why you insist on fighting me Rey,” she said. “We both want the same thing; to belong to someone. We could belong to each other. Do you really think you will ever be able to be as close to anyone else as you are too me? I understand you. I get you…”

“You understand nothing,” she said through gritted teeth as she pushed herself up on her toes to reach another ledge. She stood for a moment, taking a breather and feeling around the face of the rock, searching for something stable enough for Finn to feel comfortable grabbing hold of.  
  
“I do though. I understand how you long to belong to someone, to be loved by someone, and seen by someone. I can be your mother, your sister, your friend, everything you ever needed or wanted.  If you just stop fighting me.”

“Here’s the thing,” said Rey. “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you’ll be satisfied with just me.”

“Do you think so little of yourself Rey?”

“No,” she breathed out. She looked up to see the top was only a few steps and reaches away. “It’s like you said…we just get each other.”

The Abeloth let out a small laugh.

“Don’t do this to yourself, Rey,” she said. “It pains me to see you struggle so.”

“I’m sure it does.”

Rey reached up and pulled herself up onto the top of the mountain and rolled over on the flat ground. The pile of rocks and ruins were just a few yards away.  She looked up, and let out a sight of anger, the clouds were starting to form again, and the light of day was beginning to dull. Why were the days so damn short here?

She rolled over onto her stomach and peaked over the edge at Ben and Finn and waved.

“No sweat,” she called out. “Now come on up, Finn.”

She watched as Finn tentatively grabbed hold of the ledge where she had, she could hear Ben saying something to him, and Finn nodding in response, and for whatever reason, it made her heart feel of swell of happiness.

When Finn got a little higher, Rey was able to point and direct from her vantage point, assuring him that a certain piece of the mountain was secure enough to hold his weight.  There were a few moments where he froze on the face, and Rey reached out to steady him with the Force, providing more security as he continued to move forward.

When he reached the top Rey moved over, allowing him space to crawl up. 

“You did great,” she said with a smile and giving him a shake. He let out a breathy, scared laugh and nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll just take a breather while Ben…”

Before he could finish the statement, Ben was soaring up onto the top and over their prostrate forms, landing in a graceful kneel a few feet away from them.  Finn’s eyes narrowed angrily.

“I hate you,” he said, rolling onto his hands and feet and standing up. Rey let out a laugh and stood as well.

“Show off,” she muttered, walking toward Ben.

“Hey,” said Ben with a sheepish shrug. “I offered to be your teacher, unlike Skywalker, I would have gotten around to things like a Force jump.”

“Uh huh,” said Rey with a nod. “My mistake.”

She walked past him, toward the pile of rubble.

“Hello pile of rocks,” she said. “We meet again.”

“What,” asked Finn, looking at her curiously.

“Nothing,” she said with a shake of her head. “It’s just you know…I’ve found the Force to be very useful in the goal of lifting a pile of rocks.”

“It’s true,” said Ben with a nod. “It’s the only universally useful thing that the Force does.”

“And you think the dagger is under there,” asked Finn.

“Yes,” she said with a nod. “I know it is. It’s with her.”

“Who,” asked Ben.

“I don’t know,” said Rey with a shake of her head. “I think it’s a her, it’s what told me to go here.”

“Do all Force users hear voices as much as you guys do,” asked Finn.

“For me it’s kind of come with the territory,” said Rey.

Ben nodded in agreement. “Yeah I’ve been hearing voices since I was 4, granted it was Snoke at the time, but at this point I worry for my sanity if I don’t hear someone or something pulling on me through the Force.”

“Ah,” said Finn with a nod. “You don’t say.”

Rey giggled, slightly, surprising herself. She knew how it all looked, hell, she was in it and still felt like she was going a tad insane. But it was true. She had always felt something, in her dreams or in wake, something outside of her, whether a voice or a compulsion, something pushing her forward, and at times, keeping her alive.

“So,” said Rey, turning back to face the pile of rubble. “I’m going to get started because…” her eyes went back up to the fading light around her. “I don’t want to be caught in another lighting storm.”

She closed her eyes and held out her hand.

“You don’t have to do this Rey…”

Focus.

Calmness.

Balance.

“Rey, please, stop fighting me. I love you, Rey. I won’t ever die…”

Inside of you is that same Force, pull from that.

“I won’t ever grow old and leave you. Everyone else will.”

Rey could feel the Force moving around her, and in her, she found it much more accessible on this planet, despite the Abeloth’s attempt to distract her from her goal. And she could feel it next to her, as Ben stood beside her, reaching out from his own wellspring of the Force.

She instinctively moved closer, feeling the flow of the Force around him, bolstering her own. She could feel herself wrapping around the pieces of the fallen monument, gently pushing them out of the way. She drew in a sharp breath. She was close. They were close. She could feel it calling out to her. She could the Force pulling her toward something.

She wasn’t sure how long she was standing like this. She felt as though she were acting and moving outside of time, on another plane of existence and thought. She couldn’t hear the Abeloth, she couldn’t feel her own fear, all she could feel was Ben and the Force, working in tandem around her.

When she opened her eyes, and dropped her hand gently, the pieces of debris were gently lain on the ground just past where they had initially fallen. Rey moved forward toward the pile of now cleared debris to a staircase that led deep into the mountain.  She turned and looked at Ben and Finn who still hadn’t moved.

She swallowed hard and looked down into the stairs.

Would she say goodbye to them when the time came? Would it happen so suddenly that she wouldn’t have time? Would she be able to prepare them at all for it, or will that risk them trying to stop her?

“I’m going to go find it,” she called to them. “It’s down here somewhere.”

Ben and Finn made a move to follow her, but she held out a hand and turned to them.

“You both should stay here,” she said, looking back down the stairs.

“Uh no,” said Ben.

“Yeah what he said,” agreed Finn with a nod of his head. “Look Rey, we know you are perfectly capable, but there’s no reason to do things on your own if you don’t have…”

“I know,” said Rey. She could feel her heart pounding furiously in her chest as she looked around the planet, it was getting darker, and the wind was picking up. She had a bad feeling about this, about the stairs and about the planet, about everything. “This isn’t about pride, Finn,” she said. “I’m asking you both to trust me, one more time. I need you to wait out here for me.” She looked from Ben to Finn, her eyes pleading. “Please,” she said.

“Fine,” said Ben. “We’ll wait, but if you aren’t out soon.”

“Then come and get me,” she said. “Until then, be on the watch, and keep your weapons ready. The feel of this place changed.”

Ben nodded in understanding, unlatching his lightsaber from his belt. Rey nodded. “I’ll be back soon.” She gave them both a reassuring smile before descending the stairs.

******

Finn lingered uneasily at the foot of the stairs, peaking down for any sign of Rey.

“How long has she been gone?”

“If I had to guess I’d say not quite a full standard hour,” said Ben. “But lurking around the stairs and watching, I’m sure, makes it feel like it’s several hours.”

“How are you so calm,” asked Finn, looking frustratedly at Ben, who was sitting cross legged, looking out across the wide expanse of the mountain around them, it twisted around creating a bowl, with the Falcon at the bottom.

“I’m watching,” he said.

“For…”

“Rey was right,” said Ben. “Something feels off up here.”

“More then the rest of this whole, kriffing planet?”

“Yes,” said Ben. “Worse; the fight between the light and the dark feels especially potent here.”

“And we sent Rey alone down into the middle of it,” asked Finn. “How do we know if she’s even…”

“I can feel her,” said Ben, his tone abrupt. “She’s alive and uninjured.”

Finn nodded slowly.  There were parts of him that hated that they had this bond, that it made Rey so vulnerable to Ben. But right now, he found it comforting.

“She can handle herself,” said Finn, trying to reassure himself. “I just don’t know why she had to go alone.”

“Neither do I,” said Ben. “But we have to trust her.”

Finn looked down the stairs and back at Ben, a flicker of guilt crossing his consciousness before he proceeded.

“You still… you trust her, right?”

Ben turned to look at Finn, surprised at the question. Finn was surprised too. Ben was the last one he thought he would be confiding his doubts in. But he couldn’t help it. He needed some form of reassurance.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s herself, right? She’s making decision for herself, not that thing that lives in her head.”  Ben didn’t respond right away, but continued to look at Finn, as if asking for more of an explanation. “I don’t mean it to sound like I don’t…like I don’t trust her because I do. It’s just…how are we supposed to know if she’s not being controlled by that thing, even if she’s not aware of it.”

Ben nodded.

“If you’re wondering if you should trust her, you’re cleverer then I first believed.”

Finn felt another overwhelming flush of shame. “I’m not wondering whether or not I should trust Rey…it’s just I don’t know if even Rey knows how much influence that thing has on her. She hasn’t bee herself in such a long time I don’t know what’s her and what’s…what’s not.”

“It’s a fair concern,” said Ben. “But in this case, inaccurate. Rey is not herself because she is stressed, sick and tired, if anything that is impacting her judgement more than the Abeloth.”

“How can you be sure?”

Ben raised an eyebrow and looked at Finn patiently.

“Oh right,” said Finn. “Your “connection.”

“The Abeloth was impacting Rey when it took the form of that child,” said Ben. “When she has prolonged direct, contact with someone, she does impact their perception of reality. But that’s not what’s happening with Rey.”

“She just…she’s not being herself at all… so it’s hard to tell.”

“Yes,” said Ben with a nod. “I imagine it’s difficult for you.” Finn was taken aback by the apparent display of empathy. “You’ve known her in one way, and while she’s still that person you love, she’s also something else, some of it may very well be temporary, some of it may not.”

Finn sighed and took a seat next to Ben, if he closed his eyes, it felt like he was talking to a friend, someone back at the base, someone he knew and who knew him.

“Yeah well,” said Finn. “I guess it’s not fair. I was so sure Rey would be the same person after she came back. I told Rose she would be the same. But…that’s not a fair thing to ask of Rey. Of course, she’s different, I’m different. It’s just…I always thought…Rey’s just so strong you know,” Finn toed a small pebble in front of him, giving it a small kick. “For some reason, I thought that none of this would touch her.” Finn let out a bitter laugh and shook his head. “I sound stupid, she’s not dead.”

“No,” said Ben, his voice direct and even. “No, she’s not. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t mourn for what you’ve lost. There’s a version of Rey, that may very well be lost. It’s not a better or worse version of her, but it’s the one you know best. Grieving that loss seems natural to me.”

Finn looked at Ben for a moment, torn between a deep discomfort for the conversation and a keen interest; it was terrifying and fascinating, and never a situation he would have imagined himself being in.

“Is it hard for you,” asked Finn.

Ben sat in silence, and Finn wondered if he would even answer him. Ben was not a “sit and gab about his feelings’ type, and Finn may have just strayed into forbidden territory, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself, now fueled by a morbid curiosity.

“It’s hard for me to see her hurting,” said Ben. “It’s hard for me that there is very little I can do to help. But as to this new Rey or the old Rey, no.”

Then it was as if something clicked in Finn’s head. What he had once relegated to a twisted obsession on Ben’s part, shifted into something else, and he was profoundly aware that Ben said Rey’s name the same way he said Poe’s.

“It makes no difference to you,” stated Finn, as much to himself as to Ben. “Her weakness or her strength, neither of them scare you, do they?”

Finn could feel Ben tense beside him, as though suddenly aware of the intimacy of their conversation. 

“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

“I thought we were just non-hostile acquaintances,” said Ben. “This does not feel like none-hostile acquaintance conversation.”

“That’s not an answer,” said Finn, now genuinely curious.

Ben rolled his eyes slightly and turned an annoyed look on Finn. Finn returned his gaze, even a few days ago he would have been more then a little intimidated to stare down Ben, but somehow, in the span of a few days, his eyes looked far more human then he ever thought they would be.

“I…I am completely undone by her,” said Ben. “From the moment she called that lightsaber to her, I have belonged wholly and completely to her.”

Finn let out a snort of laughter, not derisive, but it felt like the only way to respond in the face of the Jedi-Killer and the last Jedi, damn near the most tragically, poetic thing that Finn had ever heard.

“That’s a yes, then,” he asked.

“Yes,” said Ben with a nod. “I love her more then anything else in the galaxy.”

“Hmm,” mused Finn with a slight shake of his head. “Does she know that?’

“Does Poe know you’re in love with him,” asked Ben, a slight edge in his voice.

“Hey,” said Finn. “First of all, no need to be so aggressive, and second, no he has no idea because I am a bastion of stoicism.”

Ben let out a laugh; it was a short bark of a laugh, but a genuine one. A comfortable, if not amicable silence, settled over the two men as they stared forward into the darkening horizon.

They didn’t speak again for a long moment, not until they both felt the ground begin to shake beneath them.

*******************

Rey had not been lying. She had a feeling, a nagging at the back of her mind that something was coming, that something dangerous was hunting them down on this planet, recently made aware of their presence. She did want Ben and Finn out of the cave to make sure they weren’t all trapped. But it was more than that.

Whatever it was, she needed to do this alone. She wasn’t sure why she felt this strongly, the planet, after all, had called out to Ben, pulling him into the light while she was otherwise occupied, but now that she was here, it was calling to her, much in the way the lightsaber did at Takodana.

While she was not hearing anything as strong or as auditory as Ben did, she heard it all the same, calling to her through the Force. She made her way down the stairs, which formed a long, tight spiral that disappeared into the mountain, the underbelly of whatever the rubble had once been.

Perhaps this was jus the life of a Jedi, even a not-quite-there Jedi. She was supposed to be a defender of the galaxy, did that also mean protecting her friends from the truth, the truth of what would have to happen, the truth of the work she had to do.

Sure, Jedi’s had padawan’s, but at the end of the day, they were alone, weren’t they? That was the gift they gave the world, the sacrifices they made so that they could do their job, so when death came, they faced it alone.

You’re not special, thought Rey to herself. It’s a long and glorious Jedi tradition.

But, all the same, something in her rebelled against it. Perhaps it was a selfish part of her, the part that completely and fully was terrified of dying, but it didn’t feel that simple, it was not just a matter of wanting to be alive, but of something else entirely, something that wasn’t sitting right within in her that she couldn’t name.

Rey wasn’t sure how long she had been descending the stairs, they felt as though they could go on for miles when they came to an abrupt stop, opening into an open room, it had an air of somberness and sacredness. The walls were carved with elaborate engravings and words that she couldn’t read, the languages either one she had not heard or ones that had long passed out of existence.

She held her breathe as she moved across the room toward the marble crypt that lay on the other side. She was afraid any noise would disrupt the sanctity of the space, and she would alert some watcher to her presence.

She wrapped her fingers around the edge of the marble and pushed her body weight forward, sliding it off the top. Her heart was pounding furiously, hopeful and afraid of what she would find.

“Rey, come now, this is getting ridiculous.”

“And you’re getting scared,” muttered Rey back to herself. “And awful chatty.”

“I’m not scared,” returned the Abeloth’s lingering voice. “But our merging would be so much easier if you weren’t fighting me every step of the way, I’d rather have you whole before we become one.”

“Not going to happen, Abby…now go away… I’m…”

Her voice faltered as she moved the lid far enough off to reveal the inside. Three perfectly preserved bodies laid in a row before. They were human and yet not; beautiful in their own ways, with faces so peaceful they easily could have been mistaken for sleepers; the Father, the Son, and the Daughter, the Father lay between the children, the blade resting beneath his hands.

She slowly reached out, toward the hilt of the blade, her fingers were inches away from it when her arm violently jerked back down to her side.

Rey gritted her teeth and reached out again, pushing upward against the unseen force.  The Abeloth was not going to stop her, not here, now when she has come so far.

“You can’t kill me with that thing,” hissed the Abeloth in her ear.

“Well let’s just give that theory a test-drive shall we.”

Rey closed her eyes and lifted her arm again, the pressure against it making it feel like she was going to crack in two.

“Get out of my body,” she breathed through the pain. “I’m not letting you take control again.”

“You can’t stop me Rey, you are delaying the inevitable.”

Rey felt something in forearm crack as she forced her hand closer to the blade, but she pushed harder…harder…she was not going to be controlled again…she wouldn’t let…

Rey’s hand closed around the blade, and then a blinding pain shot through her body, and a scream, her own and not her own, shook the crypt.

****************

“What the hell is that?!”

Ben saw the huge trail of mounded rock and dirt rocketing toward them; whatever it was it was big enough and strong enough to make the mountain shake, whatever it was, it was eating its way through the mountain like a drill.

So, whatever it was, could make easy work of them. Ben and Finn were on their feet in a moment, scrambling back into the slight perimeter created by the collapsed fortress. The mound was moving closer to them, with no signs of stopping.

Ben’s lightsaber crackled to life, his eyes narrowed toward the besetting aggressor. He widened his stance and gripped his lightsaber, ready to attack at the first opportunity.  He saw Finn ready his blaster from the corner of his eye.

Rey would be so mad at him if he let the traitor die, which meant he would have to divide his attention equally, watching his own back as well as FN-2187’s.

Then a few yards away from them, with incredible force the surface of the mountain broke, flinging heavy debris and dirt everywhere, Ben easily averted it allowing him a chance to get an eyeful of the creature, like a thick scaly rope it reared out in front of them, revealing its oval mouth, big enough to consume one of them whole in a bite, a painful experience, Ben wagered, given the several rows of teeth that lined the gaping orifice.

“What the hell is that thing,” cried out Finn, raising his blaster toward it. As if by way of answer, the serpentine creature let out a terrible shriek, lowering itself back to the ground, now showing off the one huge, lidless eye that sat atop it’s head, and it’s hard, shell. “Is it a bug? A worm?! A snake?!”

“Maybe we can talk about this later,” said Ben, yelling over the roars of the creature. “Do a little autopsy, maybe? Call it a Finn if it was previously undiscovered.”

Finn’s retort died on his lips as the creature charged forward, the two split in each direction, out of reach of the creature, who while fast, did not seem to be particularly strategic, as it flew past them, allowing Ben ample room to thrust his lightsaber into it’s back, only to find that whatever armor surrounded the creature was not penetrable by his saber, or from the sound of the ricochet, Finn’s blaster.

“I can’t penetrate the shell,” yelled Finn.

“Same,” said Ben, leaping away again to avoid the thrash of the creature’s tail.

“What do we do?”

“Go for the eye or the underbelly…” Ben slashed his lightsaber through the air trying to reach the exposed belly of the beast, but it reared just out of reach and brought it it’s huge body slamming down, trying to crush Ben beneath it.

“We have to get out of here,” yelled Finn.

“We can’t…Rey’s still in there…”

The creature let out a scream as one of the blaster bolts struck it from underneath. Ben lashed forward catching the soft skin, but not deep enough to slow it down. It lunged forward, striking out toward Finn, Finn turned and ran away from it, shooting over his shoulder, but each blast bounced off without slowing it. Ben tried to slow it down but it’s belly was now on the ground and out of reach.

He yelled out a warning to Finn, the thing was closing in on him and all there was for Finn to do was retreat, and then suddenly, the creature was flung back and away from Finn, not enough to kill it but enough to give them a moment of space.

“Oh no,” muttered Ben, his eyes squeezing shut.

“What is it,” asked Finn, making his way back across the rubble back to where Ben was standing.

“Oh no…oh no…we do NOT have time for this, now…”

He could feel her before he saw her, an overwhelming chaos, but there was something different about it this time. Ben looked toward the stairs, still clutching his lightsaber ready to defend himself on either side, from the creature or from the Abeloth, depending on which one got there first. But when Rey emerged from the ground, she didn’t look like the Abeloth-Rey he had seen before, she was clutching her head with one hand, and clutched a bladeless hilt with the other. She staggered out, tripping over the rubble around her, shacking her head and muttering to herself.

“Get out…get out…get out…”

Ben stepped closer to her, his hand out stretched.

“Rey what’s…”

“…I’m staying…I’m staying here…” said Rey, her head jerking side to side. “I’m staying here…”

“Rey what are you talking about,” asked Finn. “Rey…”

Ben whipped around as the serpent advanced on them again.

“No time for this,” yelled Ben, swinging his saber again at it, making it rear and scream. He stabbed forward again, just missing the eye. No time for worm creatures and no time for unstable Rey.

“Finn,” yelled Ben. “Talk to Rey…”

“But what…what do I do?”

“You’re her friend, figure it out,” said Ben jumping out of reach of the creature’s head. “I’ll keep this thing away from you, but help Rey get back in her right mind, so we can get the hell out of here.”

“Right…” said Finn tentatively. “Right…her friend…I’m on it.”

**************

“Stay here Rey, stay here and you can live.”

“Stay here and your friends will live”.

“Stay here and you’ll never be alone again.”

The words rang out across the rolling sand dunes. Rey looked around her, she had been here before, in this desert, as a child and a time after, but this time she wasn’t sinking into the sand, not yet.  She still…she was Rey. She was still Rey.

“Rey…there is no way this ends well for you if you try and fight me. So just stay.”

Rey squinted into the distance into the red sand that filled the wind around her, she could see someone moving toward her in the distance; the source of the voice that was echoing around her. Even from a distance she could tell it was a woman, tall, glowing and luminescent, with waves of white hair billowing around her face.

****************

Finn ran over to Rey, as she slid to her knees.  He went down beside her, holding her tightly, letting her lulling head rest in his hands as he tried to look her in the eyes.

“Rey,” he said. “Can you hear me…”

Her eyes were glazed over, but she looked in the direction of his voice.

“Rey if you’re in there…”

“I can stay here…”

“Rey you can’t stay here, we have things we still have to do…”

Rey slumped forward against him.

“So tired,” she said, shaking her head. “I can stay here, and rest…and be with her…”

Finn looked over his shoulder, he could hear Ben fighting the creature, finally getting a few good licks in, splattering the green blood all over the ground. He looked back at Rey.

“Rey what are you talking about.”

“She wants me Finn…she won’t ever leave me…”

*******

“I’ll be like your mother. I was a good mother, until my children left me.”

Rey looked up at the woman, her eyes sparkling like stars in an inky black, filled with eons of sadness.

“I’ll never leave you, Rey.  I promise. Just say you will never leave me…”

That promise… Rey had wanted to hear that promise her whole life; that someone would be there for her, forever, that someone could make her that promise. No one else could, in good, faith promise her that; not in a world that was so violent and ugly, where people were ripped from her life in a moment.

*******

Finn shook Rey as her eyes slid closed, whatever inside of her was taking over her, but not in the brutally violent way he had seen her on the hologram, this was different, like she was being consumed from the inside.

“Rey…Rey…come on,” he said. “You can’t stay here…we need you.”

“You don’t,” she murmured, shaking her head against his shoulder. “No…no you both should leave. I’ll be okay here. She wants me.”

*********

Why had Rey been fighting her? She couldn’t remember all the sudden, couldn’t remember why she had come here to fight the person who loved her most in the galaxy, the person who would do anything to keep her.

Rey squinted through the thick sand that billowed around them, the woman was smiling, a mother’s smile, a smile of deep adoration.

“Where are we,” asked Rey, looking around the vast desert.

“I don’t know, you tell me. You created this place, you brought us here.”

Rey furrowed her brow and looked around.

“I’m here,” she said. “But…but I’m somewhere else too…somewhere else with…people…”

“They don’t matter…they don’t matter, you don’t have to worry about them.”

Rey looked at the woman, so kind and sweet, her voice lilting with kindness.

“They don’t matter?”

“No,” she shook her head, her hair rustled about her, it looked like stars in a swirling galaxy, Rey absently reached out and took a piece between her fingers, rubbing her fingers around the beautiful strands of light. “They don’t. All that matters is you and me.”

“You and me,” repeated Rey.

“You and me,” the Mother affirmed, holding out her hand to Rey.

Rey could stay here. Everything outside of here was hard, and violent, and mean. She had been so scared of something out there, but now she couldn’t remember what it was, something had been troubling her, something that she had to do, something important.

But now it didn’t seem to matter, not here. She knew the sand, she knew the place, and somehow, she knew this woman in front of her.  She looked down at her hand before slowly reaching out toward the white, delicate palm.

She could stay here.

********

“I can stay here…”

********

Rey looked down, her feet were sinking into the sand, but she didn’t care, none of it mattered.

Nothing else mattered.

No one else was here.

“Reeeeyyyyy!”

Rey jerked her hand back and whipped around.

…. that voice it was…it was familiar, and warm, and it made her heart fill with…

Rey felt a burning, vice-like grip around her wrist and violently jerk her around. She whipped back around violently to find the warm eyes now dark and twisted, the smile now wide and fanged.

“Reeeeyy!”

Rey turned back toward the voice, calling out from the distance. She knew that sound, she knew that voice.

*******

“Come on Finn, hurry it up!”

Finn held Rey tight against his body, his forehead pressed to hers, his hand pressed against the side of her head tenderly.

“Rey…I know you can hear me.”  


********

“Finn!”

That voice, it belonged to Finn, that’s who was calling out to her, calling out to her to bring her back, to bring her home.

She looked at the monster now clinging to her around the ankles and wrists and neck, chocking her so she couldn’t speak, squeezing tightly. She opened her mouth, she tried to call out, but she couldn’t.  She was trapped.

*******

“I know you can hear me, and I need you to know that I love you.”

Rey moaned against his shoulder, shaking her head.

“You were the first person I ever really loved, the first person I cared about outside of my little world.” His voice began to tremble. “You’re the first family that I ever had.” His arms squeezed tighter around her body, rocking her gently. “Because of you I have a better family then I ever could imagine, because of you I’ve had the chance to make friends and…fall…fall in love.”

********

Rey struggled against her constraints, tried to free her hands.  The woman in front of her had now formed into an effervescent pool of grey light, both those eyes and those teeth steel gleamed at her from pits of black, more limbs shot out wrapping around her; her arms, her legs, her shoulders, her mouth.

“Rey!”

He she could hear the voice calling out to her, filled with something, something that was calling her back.

Finn…it was Finn.

“Rey! I’m here…”

*******

“I’m right here Rey,” he whispered into her ear. “I’m not leaving you, ever. If you stay, I stay. But…I really don’t want to stay. There’s so much we have to do still, so much left to see, and I… we can’t do that without you. Please come with us Rey. I know it’s not fair, how much you have to do, but…there’s…there’s no one else who can do it. And I promise…I promise you aren’t doing it alone.”

Finn felt his throat constricting as he spoke, hot little prickles gathered in the back of his throat as his eyes watered.

“You have people out here Rey…” he said. “You have people who are waiting for you, people who love you. Poe, Rose, me…” his voice faltered slightly but he continued. “And Ben… Ben loves you Rey. We… we are your family so please don’t leave us.”

*****

Rey felt the grip around her mouth loosen and she jerked her head away.

“Finn! Finn! I’m right here! I’m…”

“Quiet,” bellowed the creature, but the voice was desperate, and Rey felt the tentacles loosen around her, enough for her to jerk her hand out toward the voice.

“Finn! Finn I’m right here, please… please don’t…”

****

“Don’t leave me…”

Finn’s eyes widened. Rey was shaking, and twitching against him, her eyes squeezed shut and her brow furrowed, as if focusing.

“I won’t,” he affirmed. “I promise. We aren’t leaving you. We’re all going home, together.”

*****

Rey threw her body weight forward, against her restraints, every part of her body strained against the limbs, ripping and tearing at the air.

“Finn! I’m here…I’m right here.”

Rey reached out her hand in the air, through the thick billows of sand around, her fingers reaching out for anything, anything to grasp, anything to hold onto.

She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to give up. Not yet. Not yet. She would fight as long as she could. And then she felt it, a hand grab hold of hers and pull.

She heard a terrifying, angry scream of protest, but she didn’t turn, she didn’t look back as she was pulled from the grips of the monster.

***********

Rey jerked awake and looked around frantically, and then up to Finn’s face.

“I went somewhere,” she said, voice cloudy as she blinked up at her friend.

“You did,” said Finn with a nod. “You went somewhere for a bit, but…”

Rey covered the hand against her cheek with her own and smiled softly

“…But you found me,” she said. “You found me.”

“I’ll always come back for you, Rey.”

Finn pulled her closer to him and enveloped her in a warm, tight embrace, which Rey returned fully. She loved him so much, and even if she wouldn’t get to see all that he would become, all that would happen in his life, she was going to do anything she could to make sure that he would have one.

Rey’s eyes opened, suddenly brought back into reality, and the vision of Ben sliding beneath the serpentine creature as it slammed it’s body down. Rey reached out her hand, keeping the creature from slamming down on Ben’s body as it impaled itself with the saber.

Rey pulled away from Finn, and lovingly touched his face. 

“Thank you, Finn,” she said. “I…she tried to take control when I got this…” she lifted the handle of the dagger. 

“Where’s the blade?”

She shrugged. “I have a feeling it will show up when I need it.”

“Kind of the theme of this whole endeavor, huh,” said Finn with a laugh. He stood to his feet, pulling Rey with him. Ben was on his feet now too, swiping off blood, guts and slime from his kill.

Rey looked at him for a moment, before her nose twisted in fake disgust.

“What,” he demanded with a glare.

Rey let out a small laugh and shook her head. “Nothing you…you look great.”

Ben brought a hand up and aggressively wiped the bits of gut from his damp forehead.

“Well you know, while you too were having precious bonding time, someone had to make sure you didn’t become worm food,” he said, kicking the limp and heavy creature. “So… you’re welcome.”

Rey let out another good-natured laugh, finding his petulance uniquely amusing. It was one of her dearly held joys that, the former Supreme Leader of the First Order could be a brat.

“Thank you, Ben,” she said, patting his shoulder. “We are very grateful.”

“Uh huh,” he said, peeling a long glop of plasma from his shoulder. “I find that less than sincere.”

“No…no…” said Rey looking him up and down and then back at the corpse. “I imagine this legless, armless, worm was indeed a mighty foe.”

“Hey,” said Finn. “That thing was terrifying and, surprisingly fast for something so big.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and gave Rey an “I-told-you-so” cock of the head.

“Fine, your right,” she said. “You were both mighty warriors, and I owe you both a life-debt.”

“As long as we’re clear,” said Ben with a nod, clipping his lightsaber back on to his belt.

“Speaking of clear,” said Finn, looking up at the greying sky. “Can we go before…”

And then there was a bright blinding light. But Rey was not afraid, it felt familiar, the same light that drew them into the planet, reminding them that, at the end of the day, none of them were really in the pilot seat. It was the same Force that had brought them this far, the same Force that had fated every step of this journey along the way.

It was time to go.


	16. Chapter 15

 

Chapter 15

 

Rey sat in the pilot seat of the Falcon, taking in the wide galaxy around her, and the blue streams of light that whizzed past them as they moved along the hyperspace lanes.  All of her childhood, she had longed to be among the stars, to fly through space, far away from anyone who could hurt, the only thing stronger than that desire, was the desire that she would one day be found by her family, her strongest desires in deep conflict with one another

She had only just shaken off that fear that they would never come back, only now freed herself from it.  And now, just as suddenly, it was all coming to an end.

She wanted to face it bravely. She wanted to face it with all the boldness and peace and purpose that Luke had faced his death, but she couldn’t seem to muster it. Every time she got close to accepting it, there was something else that reminded her of just how not ready she was to die.

She looked down at the dagger in her hands.

Her murder weapon; her suicide weapon. It would end her, and, she prayed, it would end the Abeloth.  She had considered so many times just fighting, fighting the Abeloth in the hopes that she would get a lucky shot in. But how many people would die in the process? How many of her friends would be lost, she couldn’t bear the thought of starting another war, not when their first victory had seemed nearly impossible. She didn’t believe they would get that lucky again, not if they attempted to do battle with the Abeloth.

She reached up and placed a hand over her heart and closed her eyes. She could feel it beneath her palm, she could hear it, if she listened hard enough. She took in a deep breathe, feeling the air fill her lungs, filling her with life and oxygen, and then slowly exhaled.

There was so much that she still had to do, so much to see, so much more to breathe.

She didn’t want to die. She swallowed and looked down at the dagger again. She looked around, assuring that she was alone. Finn was contacting Rose and Poe, and Ben was washing off and changing out of his viscera-covered clothing.

“I don’t want to die,” she said it, out loud, for the first time and felt a deep shame run through her. She didn’t want to die, to save the whole galaxy.

She was no Jedi.

She drew in another sharp breath and she wondered if Master Luke would be so ashamed to see her now. Frantic, fragile and barely standing. She thinks, maybe, at one point she had been strong and resilient, she must have been, to survive alone on Jakku, to best Kylo Ren in a duel, to fight Snoke’s guards. She had been so strong. And now she felt weak, beat down, and without the constitution to do what needed to be done.  If she wasn’t strong, then she was useless...right?

“Rey…”

She swallowed the emotions back and shook her head. She didn’t want him to look at her. He’d know, he’d know right away, if he didn’t already.

“Uh…we’ll be home soon,” she said with a nod.

Ben slid into the co-pilot seat, and looked at her, a small smirk of a smile creeping up on his face.

“What,” she asked.

“It suits you,” he said with a nod.

“What does?”

“That spot…the Falcon.”

She let out a laugh.

“It’s yours,” she said. “It’s your spot.”

Ben shook his head.

“No,” he said. “You love it more than I ever did.”

Rey ran her hands thoughtfully along the controls. She did love it. She loved the sound of it, the smell of it, the way the piece of junk responded to her touch so effortlessly, the way it was always in danger of falling apart from under her. It thrilled her beyond what she could ever imagine.

“Something is heavy on your mind.”

Rey looked at him, surprised by the sudden change in conversation, as though he had felt it a while and was only just getting the time to ask her about it. She shrugged, attempting to be dismissive, attempting to shake it off as though it were nothing.

“It’s all of this,” she said, not a complete lie but certainly not the whole truth. “It’s everything and I’ tired…”

“No,” he protested with a curt shake of his head. “That’s not it,” he said, then quickly corrected. “Well, I’m sure that’s it too, but there’s something else, something that your taking great pains to protect.”

Rey looked away from him again, not trusting herself to look at him, not trusting herself to meet his gaze. They were close, so close to what had to be done, and looking at him, now when he is finally here, it made it all that much harder, and made her that much angrier at the whole damn situation.

“Thank you,” she said, finally. “For…for saving Finn.”

“Oh…it was…it was nothing, not too terribly inconvenient at all.”

This time Rey turned to look at him, bolstering all her resolve just to look into his brown eyes.

“No Ben,” she said, now shaking her head firmly.  “You’re good.” She said it as though there was nothing to be debated, and no one would convince her of anything otherwise. “You should start getting comfortable with the thought because…it’s who you are now.”

Ben opened his mouth to object, but she cut him off. “And I don’t mean good, as in your going to drop everything and join the Resistance, or you’ll fly off moon-eyed and hopeful into the sun set. You’re good doesn’t look like everyone else’s, yours is…well…it’s a bit messier and murkier.”

She paused and leaned closer to him, across the arm rest of the pilot chair. It was his turn to feel exposed and uncomfortable under her gaze, she was almost always the first to look away, he was so unbound by any care for superficial comfort, but this time he looked as though he wanted to escape from under her. She swallowed and hardened her face, partly because she wanted him to hear her, to know that this, at least, she was certain about, but also because she wanted to keep her own emotions at bay, lest they come trembling forward.  “But it’s still good, you know? And…I…I just. I want you to know that. I want you to know that, like… like it’s fact.”

She needed to know he would hold onto that. She wanted him to know, before she was gone, that his goodness was not tied to her. She had helped him, of course, she had seen it, maybe before even he did. But it was his goodness, and he made the choice to correct where he had gone wrong. It had not been her responsibility to do that for him, it was his, and he did the right thing, even if it was the scenic route.

She wanted to say more. But there was so much that could be said, perhaps that should be said between the two almost-Jedi’s who couldn’t quite seem to find a place that they completely belonged. Finn, Poe and Rose, they would know. They would be sad when she was gone, but they would know exactly how she felt about them.  But it was different with Ben, the weight of their collective heartbreak made everything so…complicated.  There were no short conversations; no half-hearted declarations; they were both all or nothing kinds of people.

And if she went with “all”, she knew there was no way she could go through with it. She couldn’t trust herself to do the right thing, if she dared speak what he wanted her to speak.

“I…” Ben looked at her, his face heartbreakingly hopeful and vulnerable, asking her for that very thing that she could not give him. “I’m proud of you,” she finally said. She hoped it would do. She hoped it would be enough, even though she knew it wouldn’t be, even before the flicker of sadness that passed Ben’s eyes.

She abruptly looked away and back at the controls.

“We’ll be home soon,” said Rey.

“Then what?”

She let out a small bittersweet laugh. “We’ll talk with Poe and Rose, and then…then we’ll come up with a plan.”

She felt horrible for lying, for continuing to lie, which is all she seemed to do these days. But she couldn’t tell them that the plan was already set into motion, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

*******

Finn was the first one off the Falcon. Rose and Poe had made a brief stop back at the base before continuing their campaign, to say hello, to reunite, and to help come up with the next action plan.  This was it, Finn realized as they landed. They had what they needed. Anything after this, they couldn’t afford to fail. If they did, it could mean the destruction of everything they had worked for; a galaxy only newly freed from one tyrant, to be destroyed by an even more fearsome one.

“Finn,” greeted Poe, his arms stretched wide in greeting. “You’re alive! You survived the freaky force planet!”

“I did, just barely,” he said, wrapping an arm around both of their necks hugging them tightly. “And you two survived your galactic jaunt around the galaxy with the leather-clad bad guys.”

“First leg at least,” said Poe. “Hopefully they’ll be another one when everything is said and done. Because it would be a shame to waste the sacrifice of awkward encounters over the dinner table with those guys.”

“Was it bad,” asked Finn, looking around to see if the Knights were nearby.

“They aren’t here,” said Poe. “Well I mean they are here,” he corrected, pointing up. “Just not,” he gestured around them, “here. They wanted to hang out in their ships, which I gotta say, I totally get. I wouldn’t mind summering in one of those dreadnaughts.”

“Apparently the Knights of Ren gig is a lucrative one,” said Rose. “Flyboy here was all but ready to join up.”

Poe nodded eagerly. “I would’ve but apparently if you can’t lift rocks you aren’t good enough for the Knights of Ren.”

“Their loss,” said Finn, shaking his head in amusement.

“I think,” interjected Rose, “that I’m going to go see if Rey needs any repairs for the Falcon.” She passed the two men, giving Finn a knowing squeeze of the shoulder. “Assuming that she and Ben aren’t making googly eyes at each other.”

“Not a same assumption to make, love,” called Finn over his shoulder as she disappeared into the Falcon.  When she was gone, Finn turned back to Poe, taking in the sight of him.

“It’s good to see you, “said Finn, rocking nervously on his feet.

“Yeah you too,” he said. “How was the amazing, disappearing planet?”

“It was good,” said Finn. “We got what we need, now we just…pray that it works.”

“Hey tagline for the New New Republic,” said Poe. “We can put it on all the money.”

Finn let out a laugh, trying to mask the rising nerves.

“How was traveling with Solo,” pressed Poe, if he saw his nerves he didn’t seem to let on. “Magical?”

“You know,” said Finn, rubbing the back of his neck. “There was more than once that I probably would have died had Solo not been there.”

Something inscrutable crossed Poe’s face, something Finn rarely saw, before Poe spoke. “Well, then whatever else he’s done, I’m glad he was there with you.” Just like his face, there was something in his tone, something a bit off, removed from the casual teasing that Finn was used to.

“How… how was Rose,” asked Finn. This is not what he had meant to ask, there were things he had promised himself he would say to Poe before this next step.  He didn’t want to die without having told Poe, but the words kept running from his mouth.

“Oh man,” said Poe a huge grin spreading across his face. “You should have seen her man! She was amazing.  You would have thought she was the leader of the Knights the way she directed them and talked to them. We met with a few leaders who still weren’t entirely convinced, even after showing them Solo’s recording, but somehow Rose was able to pull off incredibly intimidating but incredibly diplomatic. Honestly it was like…” Poe paused, his smile fading to one of pride to one that was bittersweet, as if stumbling across something that both made him want to smile and cry. “It was like watching Leia.”

Finn reached out and put a hand on Poe’s shoulder. He knew how much Poe had loved the General, and had felt that loss, probably more than anyone else in the Resistance.  For many of them, they lost a symbol, but Poe had lost a teacher, a mentor, and a friend.  And yet, he had not been able to feel that loss yet, like lost limbs, they were bleeding out. Their bodies were protecting them until the danger passed by hiding the pain, but, sooner or later, they would have to feel it.

The thought gave Finn just a bit more courage, all they had lost, all they could still stand to lose- they deserved a little joy, a little spot of happiness and hope and the promise of something better.  All the ugliness and violence and fear, it could stand a moment for this.

“Can uh…we talk,” asked Finn, pointing toward a more secluded hallway. It wasn’t as if they were surrounded by people, but all the same, Finn didn’t want an audience for this. Poe nodded and the two made their way in silence across the hangar into the hallway.

Finn looked around and wondered how often this happened. Were there many conversations like this one? Had in secret, in the hallways of Rebel bases, while the world fell apart both literally and figurately around their heads? It seemed silly to think, but Finn hoped there were. Finn wanted to believe that despite everything, people were resilient enough to find their pieces of joy and hold on for all they are worth.

“What’s going on,’ asked Poe, looking at him with concern in his hazel eyes. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah I just uh…I…”

_You can do this_ , Finn, he said to himself. _You faced down an ion cannon, you CAN do this. Be brave for 15 seconds, and then you can be scared again._

“Finn you look kind of sick, are you sure…”

_God the man talked so much, how’s someone supposed to make a declaration of love?_

“I’m not sick. I wanted to tell you…I just wanted to say…I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but whatever it is, it’s… the thing…the thing that we really can’t afford to mess up, the thing where we honestly, probably will die.” Poe’s face screwed up in confusion. “Don’t…don’t interrupt,” warned Finn, holding out at hand. “We just… the thing apparently is ancient and powerful beyond belief in the Force, so I really don’t see everyone surviving, despite my best efforts to be an optimist. So, I wanted to say…” Finn was pretty sure he let out a small whimper of pain, his heart was pounding so hard and so fast. “I hope…I hope you don’t…die.”

_You idiot._

But, somehow, despite his fumbling not-confession, Finn felt the rough skin of Poe’s hand on the side of his face.  He looked up slowly at the pilot, he was looking at him as though he were looking at the galaxy, something he loved deeply and only tenuously held in his grasp. There was happiness, laughter, and some sadness in his eyes as he ran a thumb tenderly along his cheek.

“Finn,” he said, softy. “I hope you don’t die too.”

Fin nodded, his mouth suddenly dry as cotton.  He resisted the urge to lean into the hand that cupped his face, to move so that his lips could brush the inside of the palm. Then Poe gently pressed his forehead against his. Finn had never been this close to his eyes, never seen the depth of colors that lived there. There was still so much he didn’t know about Poe, and dammit if he wasn’t going to live to know the rest.

“Finn,” said Poe, softly. “We are going to live,” he said. “I don’t know how, but we are. I believe that. And…when we do…say what you really want to say to me. And I promise…I promise I’ll say it back.”

Finn felt his heart squeeze with happiness, and renewed hope. He had to live. They all had to live. There was still so much good that had to happen for them, there was still so much good that was waiting for them in this galaxy.

And now, something to hold onto, a promise; a promise and a brief, tender kiss on his lips.

*********

Rey wasn’t going to tell them. She didn’t know how to tell them that she would never see them again. Finn had asked her, with a certain odd sparkle in his eye and flush of his cheeks, when they were going to strategize. She decided then, so taken by the smile on his face, that she wouldn’t tell them. They would be angry and heartbroken, but it was easier this way; she didn’t need anyone trying to talk her out of it, not when she was so weak and so willing and wanting to be talked out of it.

And she didn’t want to ruin whatever had Finn in such a good mood.

“Later,” she said, returning his smile with her own. “Later, but I’m hungry right now.”

“Yeah,” said Finn with a nod. “Let’s have dinner. I can’t even remember the last time we all sat down together and ate.” Rey nodded in happy agreement. “I guess even moody broody could join us,” he said, jerking his head toward Ben, who was talking to Rose, asking for a status report on the Knights.

So, they had dinner together. Rey wasn’t the only one who noticed how close Poe and Finn were sitting, the way they were now hanging on one another’s words and not bothering to hide it anymore. Poe had to call Ben and Rose away from their, at times heated conversation, about politics and power structures, reminding them, cheerily, that they may not even need to have that conversation if the whole galaxy goes down in flames. Chewie was arm wrestling with another resistance fighter, who insisted he was “scrappy” enough to beat the Wookie. 

And every moment, Rey felt her resolve growing. This…she could die for this. For all of them, so that they could go on and have many more days like this. Days with real food, in the light of day, not scared that any minute could be their destruction.  Poe and Finn could live and have all the time they needed to fall in love, Rose could become the leader she was always meant to be, Chewie could go on flying the Falcon and find a new hopelessly aimless human to take under his wing, and Ben…Ben could go on being surprised by who Ben Solo is, and how remarkably easy he was to love.

She could sit and look at them forever, and she could talk to them for hours and they still would have no idea how much they all meant to her, how much better they made her life.

“Rey…” She jumped and looked beside her, where Ben had found a seat without her noticing, he looked at her, brown furrowed in worry. “We…we need to come up with a plan, we don’t have much time.”

He was right, not much time at all.

“Tomorrow,” she said with a nod. “I promise, we will figure something out tomorrow.”

It was the closest thing to a lie she had told him in a long time, and had she looked longer, perhaps she would have seen how little he was actually buying it.

 


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

 

Rey waited until well into the night, long after everyone had gone to bed. She had not slept. She had been meditating, reaching out into the galaxy, searching for her. She knew, when she started looking, the Abeloth would bring her to her.

She wondered if the Abeloth knew her plan. Somehow, she couldn’t say exactly how, she knew the Abeloth didn’t know of her true plan, but she knew she was going to fight her, she knew about the dagger.  But the Abeloth knew that Rey would lose the fight, and Rey knew it too.

Rey had hugged each of her friend’s goodnight; already odd behavior. But she wasn’t saying goodbye, so she couldn’t bear to not hug them, before she left. She left a hologram message in her room, one that she was certain they would find, but it would not be accessible until long after she had done what she needed to do.

She told them how she loved them, why she was doing this, and why it was the only way. She assured them that it was the lot of the Jedi, and she was not afraid, one more lie, she supposed, would not hurt anyone.

She would become one with the Force, she hoped, despite her lack of training. She would become one with the thing that had given her a place in the universe. And that wasn’t so bad. She assured them that she was sad to leave them, but, in the end, it was something that she had to do on their own. And she implored them to live and live well; to take care of one another as they forge a new way of being in the galaxy.

She hoped it would be enough. She didn’t flatter herself to think that they would mourn her forever, but she hoped that, while they were mourning, that this small gift would help them…her dear friends.

She packed a small bag. She wouldn’t need much. She knew the Abeloth would call out to her when she sensed that she was searching. Rey held the Dagger of Mortis in her hand tightly, so tight her fist began to shake. She breathed in and looked around her dark room, before shoving it into the bag as well.

The base was empty and quiet as she made her way to the hangar, through the halls where her friends were sleeping. She had always been light on her feet, so she wasn’t worried about waking them up. So, when she heard the voice behind her, she let out a whispered inhale of surprise when she whipped around, her staff held tightly in her hands, instinctively prepared to strike. 

“Did you really think this was how this was going to happen?”

She breathed in and lowered her staff at the sight of Ben leaning against the frame of the door of the dorm had selected as his own. Rey didn’t know if it was the lack of other people, or the size of the door, but he seemed to fill it with his frame. She felt her mouth go dry and she looked away.

“I was just going…”

“No need to lie,” he said, standing up to full height and walking over to her, his heavy footsteps fell heavy in the hallway, so dissimilar to hers. “I know where your going. Did you really think I wouldn’t?”

Rey swallowed and looked up at him, her eyes now fierce and unapologetic.

“Fine,” she said. “I was going alone.” Ben looked down at her, his face unreadable. It was not harsh or reproving, but it was not soft either. “It’s the only way,” Rey insisted, to Ben and to herself. “It’s the only way and you know it.” Ben still didn’t say anything, but he moved closer to her, forcing Rey to take a step back. “If we all go, you’ll all die.”

“And you get to make that decision for us why,” asked Ben. “Because you’re a Jedi, and Jedi always know what’s best for the galaxy, is that right?”

“No,” she said, her tone more desperate then angry. “No, because we are the ones who know what needs to be done.”

Ben let out a bitter laugh and raised an eyebrow.

“Right,” he said. “And what needs to be done is you running off on your own to face an ancient evil?”

“Yes,” she said, her voice wavering but stubborn. “Yes, it’s the best thing. Because it keeps the most of us alive. It keeps important people alive, people that the galaxy is relying on to make it better.”  It made Rey feel anxious that Ben was not arguing with her, he wasn’t attempting to talk her out of it.

“And me,” he said. “What brilliant reason do you have for me not joining you? Not a lot waiting for me outside of you, Rey?”

Because I don’t want you to die…Because I care about you…. Because I’m going so that you don’t have to die.

Because…

“If I don’t make it… you… you are our last hope,” she finally said, letting out a breath.

“No,” he said softly, shaking his head and stepping closer to her again. This time she didn’t step away.

“…But you’re the last Skywalker. You…”

“And,” he interrupted. “You need to let that go.  That’s one name, one family, one lineage in the whole galaxy; and they’ve done great and terrible things.  You don’t need a Skywalker to fulfill your destiny, Luke or myself.” He stopped, and Rey slowly, tentatively raised her conflicted gaze to him.  “I was never the last hope, Rey. It’s always been you...”

Rey remembered the words that were spoken to her on Mortis. The reminder that she had herself, at the end of the day, her greatest weapon, her greatest ally, was her. That she was enough to stand on her own, not on a legacy. It had been her greatest fear, and now it was being spoken over her as her greatest strength. 

She let out a heavy sigh, the weight of it all falling hard on her tired shoulders.  Somehow, despite her love for everyone else, this was the interaction she didn’t want to have; the only one who could possibly convince her that there was another way,

“I want to run,” she said, admitting it out loud to another person what she had been feeling with such shame.  “But I can’t abandon the galaxy to this evil…Perhaps this is why I was born, what I was meant to do.”

Kylo let out a derisive snort.

“What,” she snapped angrily. “I’m not nothing, Ben, despite what you think…”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” said Ben, his own voice rising slightly to meet hers. “You get to make your own destiny, you get to decide, you aren’t compelled by blood or expectations or name to be anything other than something of your own making.”

“Is that your excuse for everything,” asked Rey. “The weight of familial expectations forced you to become…”

“A monster?”

Her voice faltered, and she looked down away from his probing, curious gaze. He always looked at her like that, especially when she was yelling; he never met her anger with his own, even though she wished he would.

“It’s not an excuse, but it’s foolish to think one can entirely separate themselves from that weight.  Granted, not having a family carries with it wounds of its own, but, Rey, I don’t want to see you lose yourself to the martyrdom that Jedi so delight in indulging in,” he paused, and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, tears trembled on the edges of her lashes.

She had been here before with him, standing tearfully in the midst of chaos, conflicted and unsure. She had been here before and if it had hurt then it was almost unbearable now.

“Ben…”

“Rey,” he said, leaning closer to her so that she almost had to look straight up to keep his eyes in her line of sight. “I am NOT leaving you this time, not this time. If you want to fight, I will fight with you, if you run, I’ll run with you.”

He stopped, his hand slowly grazed down her shoulder, her forearm, making her shiver beneath his fingers, his hand stopped and gently wrapped around her wrist. Rey watched in fascination as he raised her hand up to his face, his eyes never leaving her. He brought the scarred and bruised knuckles to his lips and slowly, worshipfully, pressed his lips to them. She let out an exhale of breath, an almost sob. She wanted to blink, to brush away the tears that distorted her vision, but she couldn’t, she was frozen, unwilling to disturb the sanctity of what was happening in this moment. Ben cupped the back of her hand in his and pressed it against his cheek.

And all that had happened, all that had been, merged together in this moment; all the aching loneliness, confusion, and uncertainty, all the ever-shifting world seemed to churn to a stop.

 “Ben,” she said, voice wet with tears. “I can’t run.” Her hand was still pressed to his cheek, but it was no longer held there by his as it traveled up to his hair, holding it with a slightly tighter grip then she had intended too, she meant to be tender, but the fear and resolve at war within her took over. “I can’t…”

“I know,” he said, voice low. “I know you can’t. Then I will fight for you, Rey.”

He still didn’t know. He still thinks she was going to fight.  He still didn’t know that there was no fight, fighting is not how they would win this war.

“I believe in you Rey…”

“Ben…” it came out in a desperate beg.

He shook his head. “No please, let me say this okay. I believe in you. I have believed in many things, in Luke, in the Force, both dark and light, in the Jedi, in Darth Vader, in Snoke, the First Order, in myself…” He paused, looking down at her hand. “I have never believed in any of them like I believe in you.”

Rey closed her eyes, forcing the tears out and down her cheek, emotion swelling in her chest and throat. His intimacy, even as an enemy, had always been disarming to a startling degree, and now, she could barely breathe beneath it.

“That’s why I’m here,” he said. “Because I trust you, because… I’m here because of who you are. I didn’t get that before. You rejected me before. I was a scared stupid child then, Rey. Too childish to know that it was you I wanted, and that you wouldn’t have been you had you come with me. I see that now. So, no I won’t ask you to run. But please let me fight for you.”

Her heart ached with the request in his voice, with the meaning of what he spoke. He wouldn’t fight in her place, he knew he couldn’t. He meant in service of her, swearing fealty, his lightsaber, his life to her. 

Not to the Force- light or dark.

Not to the Resistance, not to the First Order but to her, not to her inasmuch as she was an extension of a cause, but to her, Rey, the orphan, the Scavenger, the almost- Jedi, the nothing. She could do anything she wanted, and he would follow her without judgment.

He loved her. No matter what. And in that there was a freedom that she had never known; but also, a courage and clarity to do what she needed to do. She could run, but she wouldn’t.

And even if Ben didn’t understand it, it wasn’t to martyr herself for the light, it was not born from vengeance or hate, but from love. She loved them all so. They have changed her life; Finn, Rose, Poe, Chewie, BB8, R2D2…all of them, she could save them.  One more time, she could save them. She had talked herself into it, but always with the fear that she would she would faulter at any moment, and now…now she knew that she wouldn’t.

Standing in front of the man she loved, who loved her with such a single-mindedness she could barely stand it, she knew, if she could save him, she could do nothing else.

But she would do that tomorrow.

Suddenly her arms were around his neck and she drew up on her tiptoes, catching his unsuspecting mouth with hers. For a moment, it was just her mouth on his. If she had opened her eyes she would have seen his wide-eyes, frozen in surprise, standing perfectly still as her arms tightened around his neck, afraid to move, as if doing so would bring her to her senses and she would realize that this was a mistake.

But when her hand pressed against the back of his neck, and gave a slight push, urging him to meet her she felt his uncertainty melt away, replaced by an overwhelming desperation, a shuddering fear that he had only just found her, only just now knew what he had to lose, and that, somehow, even while holding her, it was too late, and whatever future they had both seen for each other was now nothing more than vapor.

Abruptly, Rey pulled away, her eyes met his searchingly, she could see the same mix of excitement, expectation and fear shining back at her in his eyes, pulling him in with all the force of a black hole.

Her brows furrowed slightly, her head cocked slightly to the side questioningly, but she didn’t speak, her fingers simply grazed across his cheek, his face, his nose, his lips, and the long scar. She moved her fingers lightly, as though she had been thinking about it for a long time, as if the fingers had been itching to do just this and had immediately seized upon the opportunity.

But now she was caressing his face with a tenderness and compassion that rivaled the rage with which she had fought him at the Starkilller base.

It was all so much; so much anticipation, so much sadness, so much regret, and so much love. This time Ben made the first move, leaning down to meet her face. It was not elegant or sure-footed, but landed sloppily at the corner of her mouth, and lingered tentatively against her cheek. Rey felt herself reeling from the intensity of his breathe on her skin. The startling intimacy and vulnerability of the moment, the shared breath, gave her the sensation of the floor rocking beneath her. Up until that moment, the only moment that had rivaled this one in the sheer rawness of emotion and feeling was when she stood up in that throne room, when she could all but read his mind in that moment when they locked eyes, both bathed in the light of their lightsabers. Things had been so clear in that moment, clearer then they had ever been, the future had been certain in that moment, only to crash down minutes later.

But not tonight.

Tonight, things would end differently. She could feel it in the way clung to her, desperately, and the way he submitted beneath her touch. The future was more uncertain then it had ever been, but tonight, at least, she was sure.

***

Ben had never been with anyone before. Indulging in physical pleasures wasn’t something that Luke had ever encouraged, not that it stopped some of the padawan’s, and after joining Snoke it was never something he had time, or for that matter, the inclination, for. He was not a sexless being, but he had been too busy, to consumed with other things, too obsessed with the mastery of every part of himself, the submission of his entire being to the dark side of the force.

There was vulnerability that seemed inherent to any type of consensual sex that he was unwilling to give; he did not see himself being able to remain intimidating in such a state, a sacrifice he was unable to make. But now as his hands curiously grazed over Rey’s smooth skin, and he suddenly found himself unconcerned with that…besides, it wasn’t as if Rey was ever intimidated by him anyway, any chance of intimidation had fled the moment he had decided to remove his helmet at Starkiller.

She took his hand and led him back to her room, and now, somehow, against all odds, he was in her bed, on his back beneath her. Rey guided his hands to her tunic, guiding him to the right places to tug so that it slipped from her body.  He immediately felt his mouth go dry, and suddenly he was the one feeling unstable as he took the sight of her in.

He does so at first, shyly, eliciting a small and kind laugh from Rey. She bent over him, pressing a kiss to his forehead as she began to work at removing his shirt as well. She was easily taking the lead, when it came to him, it seemed, she was always the aggressor, always the first to make a move.

He wanted to ask her if this is her first time, but he can only manage to open his mouth slightly, but no words formed there. He doesn’t want to wake up, to bring either of them out of this moment that felt so impossible and so fragile.

Her hands explored his chest. Could she feel his heart speed up under her palm? Last time she had looked away, sputtering and flustered, but now she was unabashedly exploring his torso, with both her hands and her eyes.

“Rey…” her name spilled like a prayer from his lips, there was nothing else for him to say, nothing else for him to breathe as her lips traced along his jaw bone and her hands ran up and down the sides of his arms. And all of it was escalated by the feeling of her own emotions and her own desire crashing over him in waves, clear and true across their connection. And all of it, knowing how she felt about him, knowing how he made her feel, the desire she had for him, it was almost too much for him to feel at once.

As she kissed along his neck, his hands grazed over her naked back, luxuriating in the feel of cool skin against his, exploring the landscape of her body; smooth skin, cuts, and scars, all of it beautiful and perfect to him. 

He reached up and cupped the side of her face, gently pushing her up and away from his neck, so he could momentarily look into her eyes, even in the dark he could see them, and he could see the way she saw him. She smiled at him, it was a weightless smile, the kind of smile he hadn’t seen from her in a long time, he didn’t even realize how much he missed it. There were times he wasn’t even sure if he was capable of smiling, maybe it had been too long, and he couldn’t even remember how, and he wondered if even ever did.  But now, he was smiling at her, through the darkness.

“Rey,” he said, again, grazing a thumb along her bottom lip. “I…you know that…you know that I love you.”

He had never spoken those words, not in this way and not in this meaning, and right now, it didn’t matter that he didn’t even know if she felt the same. He knew she cared about him, he could tell that much. But he needed her to know, to know for certain how he felt about her, if there had been any questions at all.

She was not nothing, she was everything.  His story was made complete in her; his story was made whole because he was able to be in hers. She closed her eyes and ran her hand through his hair, over his face, his ears and his eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” she whispered softly, before covering his mouth with hers again. It didn’t take long until their pants and joined the rest of their clothes on the floor.  If Rey was nervous, she didn’t show it, but he couldn’t help but think that surely, she could tell that he was.

He was emotionally and relationally stunted in almost every way so this…this was terrifying for him.

“It’s okay,” she said softly, as if hearing his fear. “It’s all going to be okay, I promise.”

But the thing is, so was she. She didn’t have a family, she grew up alone, but she never closed herself off in the way he did, despite it all she was filled with light and love, and she was trusting him with it now. So even if she didn’t say it back, it still meant something, it meant everything.

The sound of her panting his name, the sound of her pleasure, the pleasure he was able to give him; the sight of her unbound passion, emotion and release above him, it pulled him toward her, toward what she was feeling, beckoning him to let go.

His whole life had been about control, about mastery. Mastering his rage, mastering his insecurity, mastering the threatening light inside of him, mastering his face, his body, the Force, his emotions…everything. Both with Luke and with Snoke, the option of letting go was never on the table.  And now she was asking him to leap, to let go of that control, asking him to be powerless to the feel of her wrapped around him.  And it was uncontrolled the way this feeling gathered deep inside him growing with all her movements and the feel of her, unlike anything he had felt before, unlike anything he could describe.

And in that, there was so much freedom.

**********

Rey knew it had been a risk; she knew now, for certain, what she was giving up, and she knew now what she was protecting. She held the blanket to her and looked down at the man beside her. She gently brushed a hand through his messy black hair. Ben, Kylo, both and neither, he could never fully go back to Ben, but nor could he completely be Kylo Ren, and whoever that middle ground was, he was resting as that person now.

She felt her throat constrict. 

She was going to miss it all so much. 

“And this is why Jedi’s have rules about attachment…”

Rey felt her heart leap in her chest and she whipped around, snatching Kylo’s lightsaber from the floor.

“Calm down,” said the voice from somewhere in the room, annoyed with a touch of something familiar. “And be quiet, you’ll wake him up.”

Rey squinted into the darkness as slowly a blue haze moved toward her, she blinked several times until it took shape, a ghost, dressed in Jedi robes.  His voice was not the only thing that felt familiar, she realized, as she got a better look at the cut of his jaw, the look in his eyes, and the scar on his face.

She knew him. Somehow, she knew exactly who this was.

“You’re…you’re Anakin,” she said finally.  The ghost nodded. “You’re Luke and Leia’s father, you’re Ben’s...” Realization dawned on her face and she glared at him, pulling the blanket back around her body tighter. “How long have you been there,” she asked accusatorily.

“Oh, calm down,” said Anakin, leaning against the wall next to the bed. “Trust me I waited, there wasn’t a single thing going on here that I wanted to see. None of the Jedi use their after life to be a creep; Yoda likes to haunt people sometimes but that’s about as much trolling as we do.”

Rey relaxed slightly, dropping her shoulders and looking back at Ben, who was amazingly, still asleep.

“Don’t worry about him,” said Anakin. “He won’t wake up. He isn’t the first one to learn how to put a person to sleep with the Force.”

Rey gathered the blanket tighter and turned to sit on the edge of the small bed, so she was facing out toward Anakin.

“What are you doing here?”

“Not scolding you for breaking a tenant of the Jedi code, that’s for sure,” he said, raising a bemused eyebrow.

“You’re one to talk,” said Rey with a snort of laughter. “I don’t imagine that Luke and Leia came floating down a river while you were at a monastery living the life of the chaste.”

He shrugged in concession. “Fair enough,” he said with a small laugh, his eyes going back to the sleeping Ben. “That being said, you have a lot on the line here.”

Rey looked at him annoyed.

“So that’s why you’re here,” she said, a bite of anger in her voice. “To make sure that my night of passionate love-making didn’t distract me from the mission.”

“First...” said Anakin raising a finger. “Eww…and Second, partly.”

“Well don’t worry,” she said. “I’m prepared to go off and die just like I was a few hours ago.”

“Yes, you’ve said that before,” said Anakin. “You’ve said it many times, only to go back a few moments later.”

“Well sure,” she said. “I’m not thrilled about dying, even if it is for the whole galaxy, does the galaxy particularly care, as long as I die, does it make a difference if I go out a little resentful or go out like a martyr?’

“Not particularly,” said Anakin, shacking his head. “Though the martyrdom bit is the Jedi way.”

She glared him in the darkness, infuriated that he was speaking so calmly and coolly, a trait that so often made her want to lash out at the man lying next to her.

“I am not a Jedi,” she growled.

“Sure, you are,” said Anakin. “You have the heart of a Jedi, that doesn’t go away even if you only have three days of training. And you can’t create the heart of a Jedi, even with a lifetime of training. We uh…we messed that one up…the Counsel, the Jedi rules and the legalistic adherence to them, I saw what it did to us, not just me, but to all of us… but trust me,” he said, looking at her intently. “You’re a Jedi.”

Rey breathed deeply and looked at Anakin.

“There really isn’t any other way is there,” she asked, her tone devoid of any hopeful curiosity.

“No,” he said sadly, shaking his head. “It’s why…It’s why we have the rule, the rule about attachments.”

“Why because at their heart Jedi are as selfish as anyone else,” she asked with a bitter laugh.

“No,” said Anakin with the shake of his head. “Because Jedi do, no matter how far they fall, have an astounding capacity for compassion and love, and when it’s focused on one thing, on giving everything for that one person, it…it makes us do horrible things, and we can lose sight of the big picture.” He stopped and knelt in front of Rey, so he was looking her in the eyes. “You’re filled with love Rey,” he said. “It’s not a weakness though. It was mine, but you’re stronger than me.”

“Yeah,” said Rey. “Lucky me.”

Anakin let out a sad laugh, and then looked past her at Ben, still sleeping soundly.

“I have to thank you,” he said. “For saving him.”

Rey looked over her shoulder, he looked blurry through the film of tears over her eyes.

“It was hard,” Anakin continued. “So hard and so painful, watching him make…make all the same mistakes I did, watching him idolize the worst parts of who I was.  You saved him…”

Rey shook her head. “He…He was always battling,” she said. “The light never lost inside of him, he just…he needed a little bit of backup I think.”

Anakin smiled kindly at her. “I’m glad he got it, and I’m glad it didn’t take him until his death bed to realize that there was still good in him.”

Rey nodded, a few persistent tears escaping her eyes and down her cheeks.

“He’s…he’s going to be okay, right,” she asked, looking at him. “He’s going to be all right without me?”

“I don’t know,” said Anakin. “I don’t see the future. What do you think?”

“Yes,” she said. “He is going to be okay. He won’t fall again.”

“Then I’m sure you’re right,” said Anakin, slowly standing back to his feet. He looked down at her, something like love in his eyes. “Remember,” he said. “You are more powerful then you even know. You can do this. Don’t let her lose you.”  Rey opened her mouth to ask for clarity but somehow, she knew what he was talking about.

“We are all so proud of you, Rey of Jakku.”

And then, as suddenly as he arrived, he was gone leaving her alone with the Ben once again, still sleeping soundly. Rey turned to look at him one more and smiled. She leaned over him and pressed a small chaste kiss to his forehead and then leaned close to his ear

“I love you, Ben Solo. I love you now, and I love you always.”

************

Rey was ready, finally at the Falcon, all distractions long gone…

“Where are you going?”

“Really,” the exclamation flew from Rey’s mouth in an incredulous laugh as she turned around and saw Rose standing there. “Does no one sleep around here?! Are you all just lurking in corners watching me?”

Rose didn’t respond. She stepped closer to Rey, her eyes filled with a soft sadness that immediately made Rey calm down.

“Rose,” she said. “Don’t try and stop me. I have to…”

“I know.”

Rey froze in surprise. “What?”

“I know,” she repeated slowly. “I’ve known for a while now.”

“How?”

Rose shrugged. “I’m smarter then they are,” she said, nodding back toward the halls. Rey didn’t say anything, she just stood their clutching her bag.

“Rey…” it came out of Rose’s mouth like a strangled sob and she ran forward toward Rey and threw her arms around her, holding her tight. She wasn’t going to fight her, she wouldn’t try and talk her out of it. Rey had not planned for that, nor expected this. “I love you so much.”

Rey’s hand went up to the back of the woman’s head and she held her tenderly.

“I love you too.” She paused. “Why…Why aren’t you trying to stop me?” She shouldn’t ask, Rey knew that, but Rose, the one who had interceded right before Finn tried to sacrifice himself, was one she expected to put up a fight. “You know…all that saving what we love thing.”

Rose let out a laugh and looked up at Rey.

“That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it? It’s exactly what you’re doing.  You love us,” Rose’s voice trembled with emotion. “You’re saving us all, even though you shouldn’t have too.” They stood for a moment, Rose still hugging her before she pulled away. “Please Rey, let me come with you.”

Rey shook her head, and let go of Rose, stepping away from her.

“No, it’s too dangerous,” she said, shaking her head.

“Not to fight,” said Rose, her voice heavy, she looked up at Rey. “I won’t stop you Rey. But please, let me…let me do this for you. Let me be with you…let me go with you as far as I can. You don’t have to be alone.”

Rey bit her lip and clenched her fist tightly. She didn’t want to be alone. And thought of someone she loved being with her, someone who wouldn’t try and talk her out of it, who would just sit and be with her, it made it for a moment seem just a little less scary.

Slowly, Rey nodded.

“Okay,” she said. “Come with me. But you’re not coming on the planet with me. I’ll take a pod to the planet and then…then you’ll go and you’ll come home and you’ll tell them…tell them what happened.”

“They’ll be so angry,” said Rose, with a small laugh.

“Yes,” said Rey. “But I think, they’ll understand, even if they are angry. And you’ll help them understand…” Rose nodded. “And you all…you’ll go on living, and you’ll build up the New Republic, and you’ll be amazing, Rose…” she let out a watery laugh and shook her head. “I am so sad I won’t get to see the leader you’ll be.”

Rose let out a shuddering sob and whipped the tears away quickly, before looking back up at Rey. Rey could feel her attempting to bolster her courage, and fortitude, and when she looked at her, she saw loyalty, bravery and love.

“Are you ready,” asked Rey.

Rose nodded and followed her onto the Falcon, and Rey was filled with gratitude for the woman, for her resilience. She was offering to do something for her that no one else could do, that, frankly, no one else was strong enough to do, and Rey knew it was killing her.  Rey wasn’t the only one making a sacrifice, and Rey was reminded again how much it all was worth saving.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You start getting some strong Harry Potter vibes here :) But to be fair, the hero riding off into the sunset to save the people she loves is hardly HP specific :)


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

When the door to her escape pod popped open, Rey was immediately hit by a wave of thick, wet heat.  She sat up and looked around the planet she was on. It was an uncharted planet, lost in the expanse of space, and the life bubbling at it’s core was powerful and magnetic.

Rey had been right, no sooner had they hit hyperspace had the voice of the Abeloth called out to her.

“Yes, my darling,” it whispered to her. “Come and find me. Fight me if you must, but we will become one.” She had carefully, calculatingly, opened the part of her mind where she had trapped the deposits left there by the Abeloth, letting it guide her as she flew the Falcon. The flight had been silent and focused. She had been able to feel the anxiety and nausea coming from Rose, the cold shakes and nervous energy. She had had to block that out, lest it get the better of her too.

Now she was here, and she could feel the Abeloth inside of her raging at it’s cage, ready to join its source. She had dreamed of this planet before, of the plants, the colors so bright and lush and thick, of the two lakes that held the power of the Abeloth.  She was here, she was everywhere, the whole planet groaned for her.

Rey felt along her belt, assuring that the Dagger was still there. The Abeloth knew she had it, so there wasn’t much need to hide it, but she also knew the blade scared her. That gave Rey hope. It had some power over her, Rey just prayed it was the power to kill, so she could end this, once and for all.

Soon Rey found herself in a clearing, still lush and green, but without the thickness of the jungle. She could sense life everywhere, she could sense dangerous, predatory life around every corner, animal life lurking in the trees, plants pumping with poison and lined with razor sharp teeth, but they all had been commanded to stand down, submitting to the voice of their master.

There in the clearing she saw the pools, both churning with power, on either side of a cave. Of course, it’s a cave, it’s always a cave it seemed. She breathed in deeply and looked around.

“Take it in Rey,” she said. “All the green and color you could ever want.”

And then she stepped forward into the cave.  As soon as she crossed the threshold she collapsed to her knees, the darkness and the power were overwhelming her senses, it was tangible and alive and breathing all around me.

“You’ve made it home…”

The voice echoed down the hallway.  She struggled to her feet and began to walk again, bracing herself against the cold emptiness.  She breathed in again and focused on her senses, she couldn’t see, it was too dark, but she could feel around her. She tried to open herself up to the Force, but on this planet, here, the Force felt as though it belonged to her, and she couldn’t let it in without letting her in.

Not yet, she told herself. Not. Yet.

She continued walking into the darkness, a darkness that felt as though it was going to go on forever. She listened to her breathing…in and out…in and out…Rey walked liked this until the cave opened into a huge, stone room, it looked as though it could be temple, a tomb, a throne room, or all of them at once.  The walls had been smoothed down and were covered with ancient writing she could not read, and weathered carvings. Some depicted four beings, the Father, the Son, the Daughter, and the Mother.  The rest were carvings of the mother turned Abeloth, some showed her weeping and crying, others revealed the monster within, it seemed that she had taken many forms, not a surprise over thousands of years.

At the front of the room there was an altar, similarly decorated and engraved, surrounded by beings of varying species. She assumed they had once been alive, but now their eyes remained fixed and unblinking, controlled by the creature who stood atop the stone steps behind them.

Rey looked up at the woman who stood there, the woman she had seen so many times now but still managed to terrify her. She looked as she did in her last dream. Almost human, save her looming statute, her pale-grey glow, her long hair that twirled like a galaxy around her, and her dark, wide chasm of a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

“Abby,” she greeted, deciding to make the first move, pretending she wasn’t as terrified as she was, pretending to have any type of power here. 

“Dear one,” she returned, reaching out a hand delicately. “You’ve finally come to me.”

Rey looked from her to the still quiet sentinels that stood watch.

“Are these your minions?”

“These,” said the Abeloth, resting her hands on the shoulders of one of the robbed beings, “are my avatars.”

“Uh huh,” said Rey with a nod. “Do they always dress this way?”

“No,” said the Abeloth, gliding toward her so gracefully Rey wondered if she even had feet on the ground. “But I wanted to give your homecoming a sense of occasion.”

The closer she moved to Rey, the more imposing she looked. She seemed incorporeal and wispy, but also, somehow, menacing and huge, her oppressive power and darkness made Rey feel light headed.

“Yes,” said Rey with a nod. “I would hate for you defeat to not have an audience.”

The Abeloth let out a tinkling laugh and shook her head.

“Oh my, Rey,” she said. “I believe I am going to enjoy being with you for all eternity.”

Rey stepped away from her, trying to regain her footing and clear-headedness; the dark side of the Force was overwhelming here, in a way that Mortis had not even come close.

“No,” she said. “I really don’t think you’ll enjoy it. I was by myself for so long, I’d make a horrible roommate; I eat all the food, I don’t pick up after myself, I leave my clothes just laying around.  I barely can stand living with myself.”

She continued to back away, her hand poised over the dagger clipped to her side.

“Oh, more jokes,” said the Abeloth. “I suppose I can get used to it, though humor is not something I find naturally enjoyable.”

“I can tell,” said Rey.

She looked around the room, as if searching for a high ground. She had to make this look real, the Abeloth had to believe that she wanted to kill her, that she had come here to fight. If it was too easy, if she wen to quietly, the Abeloth would know that something was wrong.

“Now,” said the Abeloth reaching out a hand. “The ritual does take a bit of set up, so if you don’t mind we…”

Rey didn’t let her finish. In a moment the dagger was in her hand, the blade materialized fully as she stabbed viciously toward the Abeloth, but with a simple look the Abeloth sent her careening back into a wall. She collapsed breathlessly on the ground. She shook her head and looked up at the Abeloth, who walked toward her calmly.

“Rey,” she said. “Please believe me when I say this hurts me, more then it hurts you.”

Rey’s laugh turned into a cough as she recovered from the wind being knocked out of her. She struggled to her feet and looked at the Abeloth, murder in her eyes.

“I really don’t believe you,” she said, lunging forward again. This time she wasn’t thrown away, instead the Abeloth bent backwards, easily avoiding the touch of the blade. Rey quickly reacted, spinning out of reach and behind the Abeloth. She attempted to plunge the dagger into her, only for the Abeloth’s arm to bend unnaturally behind her, grabbing Rey’s hand, so tight that Rey heard bones crack and her hand dropped the dagger. The Abeloth slowly turned to face her, her head cocked to the side in sad amusement.

“Oh Rey,” she said. “This is getting very pathetic.”

Rey’s jaw clenched tight as the Abeloth turned and dragged her behind her, toward the altar.

“Pathetic,” spat Rey, desperately clawing at the hand around her own. “Your drove your family away because you were afraid of dying!” She yelled, kicking at the floor and grabbing at it with her good hand, only to be jerked harder, leaving the skin of her fingers on the jagged, stone floor. “You’ve spent the last thousand years trying to make a new family and the best you have is an orphan from Jakku?!”

Rey could feel the rage building in her.  But this was not the Abeloth’s rage, this was her own. The kind of rage that had made Ben so powerful as Kylo Ren.  When the time came, she would do what she needed, but it was only fair that she had one more fight before she had to see her way out.

She let out a feral scream and reached out her good hand, harnessing all the Force she could around her, and then yanked her hand back, sending the Abeloth stumbling forward. It was nothing, almost nothing, but enough to make the Abeloth drop her in surprise, enough for Rey to be able to scramble away and back to the dagger.

“Hmmm,” said the Abeloth, looking around, as if trying to find an alternative explanation for why the Force on her planet had turned against her. She turned slowly to face Rey, her look of surprise now replaced with another wide, ugly smile. “You are supremely powerful Rey. Imagine all that we can do together when…”

“I’ll never join you,” yelled Rey, running toward her again, prepared for more pain and hurt, getting as much in while she could still feel it.

“All right then…” said the Abeloth her voice low and angry. “No more play time.” The Abeloth’s jaw detached letting out a scream so loud and powerful that Rey fell to her knees covering her ears, but her eyes were locked on the horrifying display. The jaw continued to detach, the mouth opening upward toward the ceiling, and then like someone stepping out of a suit it continued to be pulled back, pulling the flesh down with it, revealing what was inside, the beast within.

The Abeloth still a dull grey, was giant, with protruding tentacles from all sides, the same razor-sharp smile and the same eyes, but her form seemed to be both liquid, solid and vapor all at once. She let out another scream. Rey clenched her ears harder and braced herself against the force of the frequency.  The whole room shook, pieces of old rock and stone fell from the walls.

“You cannot defeat me.”

The voice had lost all pretense of kindness or gentleness, it was oily and angry and filled with thousands of years of rage and sadness, it was terrifying and heartbreaking all at once.

Rey felt herself once again be lifted into the air and then plopped onto the altar.  The avatars immediately ran forward to hold her by the arms and the legs. She made a show of fighting, of kicking of lashing out, and even using the Force to throw a few away from her, but she knew…she knew it was time. There wasn’t much of a fight she could give the Abeloth.

The Abeloth shrank itself back down, still in it’s same discomforting shape, but she no longer filled the room. She hovered above Rey on the altar, peering into her with her pinprick eyes. She reached down with one tentacle and gently stroked the side of Rey’s cheek. Rey jerked her head away as if she had burned her and glared up at the creature.

“What did you think would happen,” crooned the Abeloth. “Not even Luke Skywalker, the greatest Jedi of all time could defeat me, you really thought one, lone little Scavenger could…”

Before the Abeloth could finish the whole cavern began to shake violently with the Force of something hitting the planet. Rey looked around in shock and fear, but the way the Abeloth abruptly stopped and looked toward the opening of the cave told Rey she had not done it either.

Rey closed her eyes and shook her head.

“No… no…no…”

The Abeloth looked back at her, her face twisting back into the smile.

“Your friends have come to save you it seems.”

_Dammit,_ she thought angrily. _Dammit, Rose what did you do?_

“No matter,” said the Abeloth. “This is my world remember.” She said with a smile. “And I have some built in security.” She turned toward one of the Avatar’s and motioned for it to approach the altar. Rey turned to look. It was holding a cup. “First, you will drink of the Pool of Knowledge.”

*********************

Rose couldn’t quite bring herself to leave after the escape pod was released. She couldn’t think of piloting right now, as she sobbed into her hands at the control panel.

Rose knew Rey knew what she was doing, and somehow, Rose knew, this had to be the only way, something in the universe had tricked out this completely unfair way that everyone else she loved would live. 

And Rose didn’t know how to live with that fact. How was she supposed to build a galaxy when those were the options, was the galaxy worth saving if it always had to be built on the sacrifices of someone else, if the ones she loves have to keep dying to make it possible?

She sobbed mercilessly into her arm; all the tears she had kept in, for fear of unknowingly manipulating her friend away from her path.

“Rey or Rose…come in…come in right now…”

Rose leapt up as the voice crackled over the comm unit.

“Finn,” she asked, puzzled.

“Yes,” he returned urgently. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…what’s…”

“Rey’s on the planet isn’t she.”

“Yes Finn, but…”

She heard the zoom of ships overhead, two smaller ones, she assumed piloted by Poe and Ben and three larger ones, she recognized.

The Knights of Ren.

“Finn how did you…”

“Rey’s homing beacon… it’s still on the ship,” he said.

Rose let out a small laugh and shook her head. Of course, it was.

Finn would always find Rey.

“Finn,” said Rose. “I don’t think…I think Rey has a plan.”

“Well,” said Finn. “She’ll get over it.”

“No, Finn I think there’s…she’s doing what she has to do.”

“So are we Rose,” he said. “We are saving what we love.”

Rose heard his voice crackle out and then the communication break, something on the planet was interfering with the communication.

That is what they were doing; saving what they love. But so was Rey. And if they all died, if they interfered, Rose feared that her sacrifice may be lost.

**********

“She’s this way…”

Ben led Poe and Finn as they ran through the jungle planet, Ben sliced through trees and plants and vines with his lightsaber, clearing a path for them.

“You’re sure,” called Poe.

“He’s sure,” said Ben. “It’s a whole weird, Force thing.”

That was it, that was part of it. But by now Ben had grown more familiar with the presence of the Abeloth, the way she pulled form every Force source around her, the way she was pulling from him. And he had never felt it quite the strong.

 

***********

Rey sputtered and chocked as the Avatar poured the water over her face, bathing her face in startling coldness. She tried to shake it off, and spit it away, but it poured over her forehead and into her hair.

The Abeloth looked at her expectantly, as if waiting for something. Rey looked around frantically, her breathing coming out in short, quick heaves, when suddenly she felt as though she was being jerked from her body.

***********

“DEMON PLANT! DEMON PLANT!”

Finn’s screams called out as a warning as a long spiny vine wrapped around his ankle. He shot at it, gaining a hiss and space enough wiggle out and roll to safety. But it was as if all the foliage had come alive, all with the same goal.

A huge leafy plant burst from the ground, unfolding it’s leaves to reveal a gaping, toothy mouth. Ben slashed it with his saber and ran forward.  He could hear the blasters going off behind him signaling to him that they were being pursued on all sides.

_Bix can you hear me?_

_Yes. Are you on the planet?_

_Yes, but the planet is trying to eat us alive. But the planet is…it’s a life force I can feel it, and it can be hurt._

_All right._

_So…_

_So, what?_

_Dammit, Bix start hurting it! Just don’t hit us._

_Thanks for specifying. Bix out._

He heard one of their number fall to the ground. He whipped around and saw Poe grasping onto the edge of a giant hole that had opened, now ready to consume him.

“Poe,” screamed Finn, shooting at another vine that slithered on the ground toward Poe. Ben reached out and used the Force to lift Poe out of the hole and plant him safely on the ground. Poe looked as though he were about to say something but stopped and sprinted toward Ben. Ben felt Poe slam into him, forcing him to the ground just as glob of something caught Poe’s shoulder. Poe let out a scream of pain as the sappy substance burned through his jacket. He immediately leapt to his feet and shrugged off his jacket.

Finn shot at the predatory foliage as Ben took a quick look at the burn.

“Are you all right,” he asked.

Poe nodded, but was unable to completely hide the wince in his face.

“I’m okay,” he said. “Let’s keep moving.” Nearby an explosion rocked the surface of the planet, causing them to temporarily lose their footing.

“What was that,” asked Poe.

“Bix,” said Ben. “If the planet is gunna bite, Bix is biting back.”

***********

When Rey landed back in her body she was sobbing, wildly.

“Too much,” she muttered. “Too much…too much…” She gasped for breathed and turned her head, letting out the vomit from her churning stomach.

“Shhh…” soothed the Abeloth. “Shhh it’s okay.  That’s a perfectly normal response to having all the knowledge of the universe poured into your little human mind. But never fear…” she motioned for another avatar to come close, this one also clasping a cup. “This will make it all better.”

Rey shook her head weakly.

“No more,” she begged. “Please no more.”

“Rey the only way you’ll be able to merge with me is if you have the power to survive, and this will give you just that.”

The avatar held out the cup while another forced her mouth open again. The cup lingered near her lips when suddenly she was splashed with it as the cave once again was shaken by an explosion against the surface. The Abeloth gritted her teeth angrily.

Rey had to hide her own emotions of anger and frustration.  She pretended to look hopeful at the thought of her friends fighting valiantly to save her, but inside she was urging the avatars to move a little faster.

**********

Ben was the first to reach the mouth of the cave, and he froze.

It beckoned him so strongly; the darkness that concentrated inside the cave. It was loud, and strong and calling out to him.  Finn and Poe stopped next to him.

“Is she in there,” asked Finn.  Ben nodded, not responding. His whole body was braced against the onslaught that awaited him.

“Why…why aren’t we going in,” asked Poe. “This is kind of a time sensitive situation isn’t it.”

Ben closed his eyes tight. “It’s the darkness,” he said. “The dark is…it’s powerful in here.”  Poe’s face donned an expression of realization. He looked back out at the jungle that they had fought their way through and into the cave.

“So, you’re like an addict,” mused Poe. “You’re worried a taste of the dark side will send you reeling into relapse, is that it?”

“More or less,” said Ben.

“Well,” said Finn. “I guess the only thing there is to do…”

Ben felt a violent shove against his back as he stumbled into the dark cave. He whipped around to find Finn standing behind him, his hands on his hips, looking at Ben expectantly.

“What,” pressed Finn. “We don’t have time for you to have a revelation that you’re one of the good guys now…let’s go!”

Ben opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, but decided against it, and just started running into the cave.  Finn knew Ben could have easily killed both of them if the dark side had taken over. Both knew full well what he was capable of when he was his worst self.  Which meant one thing, Finn just knew he wouldn’t fall to the dark side again. And, for some reason, which Ben would never admit to, it made him feel like he was one of the good guys.

*********

This time it was different. She wasn’t ripped from her body like before, but she suddenly felt deeply connected to it. She could feel the dark side pumping through her veins, intoxicating her.  It was as though she had been given new eyes, and her mind was now open to all the ways the Force could be used, all the ways it could become a weapon in her hands. The avatars once again attempted to restrain her but this time she swiped her hand across her body, sending them all flying away from her.

The Abeloth let out a laugh above her.

Rey looked back at her, murder and rage coursing through her as she looked at this creature. Rey let out a scream and reached out her hand, sending the Abeloth flying upward toward the ceiling. The Abeloth let out another cackling laugh, as though she had gone mad.

“You’re mine,” growled Rey, yanking her hand back down attempting to pull the Abeloth toward her. But this time, she felt resistance, like someone was tugging at the other end of the rope.

“Oh, I don’t think so, child,” said the Abeloth, her voice dangerous and threatening. “This is my world remember.”

Rey leapt up onto the altar and jumped up toward the Abeloth; all plans, all focus, all that brought her here was swept away, all that mattered was the power that she now had at her fingertips. She slammed her fist into the Abeloth, who wrapped her tentacles around Rey’s neck. The two fell toward the ground, punching, kicking and chocking. Rey landed first and rolled out from under her and jumped to her feet.

Rey held out her hands and watched the lightening crackled at her fingertips.

“Now,” said Rey, her eyes filled with bloodlust. “It’s a fair fight.” It was an explosion of ecstasy as the lightening shot from her hands toward the Abeloth.

*******

Somehow, Ben felt the weight of the dark side lifting, the light inside of him seeming to have found it’s second wind. He could still feel the source of the evil, but it’s presence inside him did not constrict around him as it had done a mere seconds ago.

“Oh no,” he muttered, suddenly picking up speed, his long legs taking him well beyond his comrades.  He knew what this meant.

Balance.

Light.

Dark.

Life.

Death.

The Force always would find balance.

If he was shifting further toward the light, then…

He stumbled into the throne room to find two streams of lightening slamming into each other; one from the hands of the Abeloth, one from the hands of Rey.

Finn and Poe stumbled in behind him, careening to a stop before they slammed into him. They all stood, motionless.

Then, slowly, Rey turned away from the Abeloth, just a glance but it was enough, and she was slammed back into a wall.

************

Rey shook her head. They were here.  The people she loved. The people she came here for.

_But the power,_ her mind said back _. It feels so good._

Rey leapt up and deflected a Force grab from the Abeloth.

_Maybe you can kill her, maybe you don’t have to die. With this power you could defeat the Abeloth, and then…then you would be the most powerful being in the galaxy._

Rey stood and stared down the Abeloth; her smile had not wavered. She was enjoying this, every second of this, was making Rey a better vessel.

_“You’re enough. Just you.”_

Ben’s words rang in her ears, she shook her head, as her mind once again became a playground of conflict.

_But this is too much, you can do so much good with this power._

“Come along Rey,” said the Abeloth, motioning for her. “Your friends are here. Why don’t you show them all of your new tricks?”

_“Don’t let her lose you.”_

Anakin’s voice trickled through the darkness, and she remembered.

She had a job to do.

Rey let out another battle cry and ran forward toward the Abeloth. She could feel her friends calling out to her in fear and worry, propelling her forward, propelling her beyond the dark. She reached out for the dagger, calling it to her as she ran.

As the hilt hit her hand she felt the tentacle slap around her neck and lift her violently into the air.

“Rey!” She turned and saw them all running toward her, weapons brandished. She whipped out a hand, sending them flying backwards, away from her and the Abeloth.

“It won’t save them,” sneered the Abeloth, another tentacle reached up and grabbed her around the forearm, jerking it down and bending it back. She let out a scream as the bone cracked through the skin, once again sending the dagger clattering to the ground. The Abeloth extended her tentacle up and then slammed Rey into the ground onto her back. Then slowly another tentacle reached up and opened her mouth.

“What is she doing,” screamed Finn. Rey wondered who he was asking. Ben? Poe? Her? Or was it just a cry of desperate fear, the cry of someone who could only watch and do nothing, who believed if he had just a little more information maybe there was something that he could do.

Rey watched as the Abeloth grinned down at her and slowly changed shape, forming into a gaseous substance and then slammed itself into her mouth. She wanted to scream, to cough, to expel the creature from her, but it kept going, slithering into her like a snake, blocking her breathing. She closed her eyes and focused.

_Ben_ , she said. _If you can hear me. Don’t stop it. This is what needs to happen._

“Rey…” he could hear his voice, either in her head or physically allowed she couldn’t tell.

 “Rey you can’t…”

_Take care of them,_ she said, her voice soft. _Get them out alive._

The last think she heard before she felt darkness overcoming her, was Ben calling out to Bix.

********************

What had once been a familiar landscape of sand, had transformed into one of rocks and fire. Rey looked around the landscape of her mind and was overwhelmed by chaos. She didn’t recognize it anymore.

“Because it’s our home now.”

Rey turned and looked at the Abeloth, now a human, a human who looked exactly like her. Rey’s mouth twisted into a snarl.

“So how does this work,” she asked. “You get weekdays, and I get weekends?”

“No…” said the Abeloth. “We have become one in body, now we must become one in spirit.” Rey watched horrified as the creature’s mouth opened again, this time ready to consume her from the inside out.

“There’s no escaping this time….”

**********************

“Wait so what’s the plan exactly?”

“Bix is going to take us into Rey’s mind.”

“And we are going to do what there exactly,” asked Finn.

“We are going to help her control the Abeloth, keep her from taking over Rey completely.”

“How though,” asked Finn, tears of frustration and anger stinging his eyes. “How are we supposed to do that? You saw how powerful that thing was, I am barely useful in real life, you put me on a…”

“I need you,” said Ben, abruptly cutting Finn off. Finn looked at him surprised. “You’re her best friends.” He looked from Finn to Poe. “She loves you both more than anything, I will not be able to give her the strength she needs to do this on her own. So please…trust me.”

Finn sucked in a big breath of air before nodding, slowly.

*******

Rey let out a scream as the lightening ripped through her body again, sending her to her knees.

Why had she thought she could do this? Why did she think she was strong enough to tame this creature?

“That’s an excellent question, Rey,” said the Abeloth, “One you should think over? Do you really think I didn’t figure out your plan…” another shot of lightening sent her face forward into the dirt.  “Your brave little gesture of self-sacrifice. The one that relied on your ability to overcome me in the chaos of your own mind.”  The Abeloth reached down, and grabbed Rey by the back of her head, grasping her hair and jerking her up. Rey was only inches from the Abeloth’s face.  “Not a clever gamble, my dear.”

For the first time, Rey was seized by terror.

She had lost. Her plan had failed. The Abeloth would take over her, and then use her to take over the galaxy, and everything will have been for nothing.

She let out a desperate, strangled sob.

“Oh don’t cry,” said the Abeloth, a pout in her voice. “When the two of us merge here, you won’t remember all of that. You won’t remember your friends, your mission; you and I will be of one heart and one mind and one goal.”

Rey tried to jerk free, but the Abeloth gripped her tighter on the back of her head, long talons growing from her fingers and penetrating her skin.

“The whole universe will be a footstool beneath us, it will be our playground, and the Force…” she let out a derisive laugh. “The light, the dark, what that Old Fool cared so much about, it will be our plaything. And you Rey…” she leaned in and planted a toothy kiss on her cheek. “Your power will be the thing that makes me indestructible.”

The talons extended the rest of the way, through her skull and into her brain.

***********

Ben, Finn and Poe sat around Rey’s limp body.

“Are you sure…we have to…hold hands,” asked Poe, looking at the hand that Ben extended him.

“Yes, and I am no happier about it then you,” said Ben.

“I mean it’s not that I don’t like holding hands,” said Poe. “Or even men’s hands…well…” he looked at Finn, “obviously. But I gotta say, sitting in a circle holding hands make us look like a group of Bantha asses.”

Ben rolled his eyes and clasped Poe’s hand.

“Okay Bix,” he said. “We’re ready.”

_I need you all to focus,_ said Bix. _Focus on Rey. This is heavy telepathy and if anyone resists or fights, it will keep all of you out. So just hold on to each other and trust me._

*******************

Rey felt the Abeloth now worming its way into her very being, first her body, and now her brain, her thoughts, her psyche.

She had failed them. Failed the whole universe, because she thought she was so much braver and stronger then she actually was.

“That’s right, Rey,” said the Abeloth, but the voice sounded different, it sounded like it was her own voice now. “Give in. Give up. You’re done fighting. There’s no reason to keep resisting. It only hurts you.”

“Rey!”

_That’s not her voice_ , she thought to herself. _Or the Abeloth it’s…_

She felt the vice grip around her mind weaken.  She wasn’t done yet. She wasn’t ready to stop yet. She still had a job to do.  She heard the Abeloth scream in protest as she shoved her out of her mind violently. She opened her eyes and looked up. Another hand reached around the Abeloth’s wrist and jerked her claws out of Rey’s mind.

“Ben,” she gasped. “How are you…” she looked around at the violent and bitter landscape around her, howling with cries and wind. “Isn’t this…this is my mind, right?’

Ben looked around.

“Yees,” he said slowly. “And I can’t wait do talk about it later but…” he jerked her down to avoid the swing of the Abeloth’ fist.

“We have to run,” said Rey, pulling on Ben. “If she takes over then…Finn! Poe! Is…is everyone in here?”

“Yeah,” said Finn. “We are all here. We are all going to make sure you get out.”

“As touching as this is,” said the Abeloth. “It won’t work. Nothing can defeat me. I am an ancient evil that you cannot con…”

“Shut up!” Rey turned and screamed, a pulse of power shooting from her and knocking the Abeloth down. Rey looked at Ben, Finn, and Poe, and then back at the Abeloth.

“You didn’t deflect that,” said Rey, a small smile creeping up on her lips. “You…your power is limited here.”

The Abeloth floated back to her feet.

“Limited but still more then you could ever…”

Rey brought a fist back and slammed it into the Abeloth’s face, the satisfying feel of her physically beneath her fist spurring Rey on, and she wound up to hit her again. This time the Abeloth caught her punch and twisted her back, but Rey ducked out of it and landed a kick to her stomach.

Rey stood over the creature and looked down on her.

“You forgot something, Abby,” she said. “You’re in my world now.”

Rey held out her hands and called a rock out of the earth, and sent it slamming into the Abeloth. She suddenly felt power pouring into her, her body, her mind, and her soul. And she realized, suddenly, whose power it was.

She turned and looked back at her friends, it was there power. Stronger then the dark side that had she had almost been lost in, strong enough to boost her psyche out of despair. She was fighting with Finn’s adaptability, Poe’s impulsiveness, Ben’s control, and her own raw, power.

She wasn’t alone.

She never could have done this alone.

She never could have faced the Abeloth, in the physical world and in her world, without them.

She was enough, and she wasn’t enough.

Tension.

Balance.

She did have to save the galaxy, it was her job, but she had almost failed because she didn’t let them do there’s. They were standing behind her, somehow, with the help of something, channeling their collective life Force into her, in the only place where she stood a chance of being powerful enough to defeat her.

And she was.

The Abeloth was weakening inside her. Rey could feel it, the Force of the Abeloth’s power was waning, and the landscape around her was changing, back to sand, back to the desert of Jakku, the familiar, but this time, she wasn’t sinking into the sand alone. And this place that had haunted her, that lingered in her nightmares, that carried so much broken hope, suddenly felt more whole.

It was her world.

And she was taking it back. Rey held out her hands, and lifted them, using the Force to bring up the last remaining bit of jagged, rock surface. The Abeloth let out a shriek as the ground gathered and raised around her on all sides.

“Please,” she screamed. “Please don’t do this! Don’t leave me alone in here. Please! I don’t want to be alone again!”

The cries soon were muffled behind a thick cage of stone.

***********

Rey awoke gasping for air. She attempted to sit up, but immediately fell back as her mangled arm protested at the movement. 

Ben, Poe and Finn came too as well, disoriented from the cross dimensional travel.

Finn looked down at Rey and let out a giddy laugh, bending over and laying his head on her good shoulder.

“You’re here,” he said. “You’re here!”

“You’re here too,” she said weakly, patting his head.

“I told you Rey,” he said.

“You’ll always come back for me…” she finished.

Finn eased away from her, careful not to hurt her. Ben was knelt by her head. She looked up at him.

“Will you help me sit up,” she said. Ben nodded and gently eased a hand under her good shoulder and easily helped her sit up right, her body leaned heavily against his, drained of energy and screaming in pain.

“Is it…is she…gone,” asked Poe, looking at her.

Rey shook her head.

“No,” she said. “But she’s…she’s trapped, for now.”  She turned and looked at them. “Thank you all.” She said. “I thought I…I thought I could do this alone. I didn’t want anyone else to die.”

“We know,” said Finn, reaching over and touching her knee.

“I’m so grateful I got to see you guys again…” Rey felt herself giving way, she didn’t want to do this in front of them, but apparently the galaxy was hell bent on being saved in the most painful way possible. “And you…” she sat up on her knees and turned so she was facing Ben.

“Rey…why are you…”

She reached out and touched his face, gently.

“I’m sorry didn’t tell you then but…I love you.”

She could see the play of emotion on Ben’s face. He was elated to hear that, but knew there was something wrong, he could sense it in her and she was no longer strong enough to hide.

“Rey…I…”

She leaned in and kissed him, hard, desperate, and tear streaked. But he was here, and she wasn’t going to waste this final moment, pending death and audience be damned. She pulled away slight and lingered near his ear.

“I will always love you, Ben,” she said. “Please…be okay.”

Ben pulled away abruptly his eyes wide with fear.

“Rey! No…”

Before he could finish his protest, Rey flung her friends back and away from her, as gently as she could. Ben scrambled back to his feet, but the dagger hilt was already in her hands.

“Rey, what are you doing,” begged Finn.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice shaking with sincerity. “I am so sorry, but it’s the only way to make sure she doesn’t come back.”

And with that final explanation, with Ben reaching out toward her, trying to disarm her, she called on her last remaining bit of strength and forced the blade into her heart.

She let out a small gasp of pain and fell back again. She could hear her friends screaming, yelling protesting, she could feel herself be gathered into Ben’s arms, this time far less gently. She could hear him begging her to stay.

_I want too,_ she thought. _God, there’s so much I want to stay for, and there all the things I had to die for._

_**************_

He was too late, just a moment too late. He was by her side in time to see her face twist into the briefest winces of pain, and then…nothing.

“No…no…no…” his protests were loud and desperate as he gathered her limp body into his arms, pulling her between his legs and up against him. He shook her, violently, no longer minding the broken arm. “Rey…” he said sternly, but unable to hide the tremble in his voice. “No…Rey please…” He reached out, desperately seeking out their connecting, desperate to feel some part of her tug at the bond. Nothing. He shook his head frantically. “Please don’t go Rey…please…please…” But it wasn’t there. The bond was gone, he couldn’t feel her or sense her anywhere.

He was utterly, and completely, alone.

Then his pleas gave way to screams that filled the room, howls of pain that almost sounded inhuman, had they not sounded so very, very human. He pulled her closer to him, her head against his chest and looked up at the ceiling and screamed.

It was not rage. He wished he could feel rage right now. Rage had always protected him, kept him in the dark. Someone should have told him that the light side carried this with it, something so potent, and reaching, and deadly; someone should have warned him that being one of the good guys meant he could feel this way.

He dropped his head and pressed his forehead to hers, his teeth grittted to keep in the scream of pain as his eyes searched her face, searching for something new, something he had no already committed to memory, something that would mean that the collection of moments, looks, expressions, and details he had stored up with Rey were not over.  That there was nothing more to treasure or store up.  And the ridiculous, unfairness of it all punched a hole through his chest.  How could he go on? Why would he want too? Knowing that there was so much she was still supposed to do, and say, and be? How could he live in a world that required her to die as she was just discovering who she really was? He had no idea what the future held when he held her last night, but she was there, and she was in it, and that promise was enough.

And now that was gone, and the galaxy still had the damned audacity to keep spinning as if nothing had changed.

He looked up and let out another long, hard scream of pain, and rocked back and forth on the ground like a lonely, frightened child, still clutching her too him. It almost felt beyond his control, as though it were the only way for his body to expel the sorrow that was gathering in him. It was too much, all of it was too much. He wanted to reach into that reservoir of dark that lived in him and pull it back up, to cover himself in it, but it wasn’t there, not anymore. 

And he almost laughed, almost, a bitter laugh at the ridiculous lot of humans. If that dark side was still there, the one he longed so desperately for now, he wouldn’t be here at all. It was what he had to give up.  It was what made him able to love Rey at all, to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her. And now he was paying the price for that, fate had come to collect the toll that humans pay to love someone.

********

Finn had fallen to the ground inches from Rey. The moments seemed to move in slow motion. He saw Ben running toward her, he saw her call the dagger forward and then he saw her die. Inches away from him, by her own hand.

He didn’t cry at first. He was frozen still in shock as he watched Ben desperately search her for any life. He felt despair pooling in the bit of his stomach as Ben shook her like a rag doll, and begged her to wake up, his voice more pleading and helpless then Finn every imagined it could. Then Ben’s primal, wounded cry, sent him to his knees, unblinking. He looked around the room, as if trying to make sense of what had just happened, searching for a clue that told him this was not really how the battle was ending.

Maybe it was a dream?

Maybe they weren’t really here?

Maybe they were in Rey’s head still?

Maybe…

Then he felt Poe grab him from behind pulling him against his chest. Finn fought at first, pulling against his arms around him and shook his head.

“No,” he said, pulling away. He refused to acknowledge that this was real, he wouldn’t be comforted because this wasn’t real, he didn’t need to be held because Rey was fine. “No!”

But Poe held him tight, he could feel the mans tears on his neck as his head fell onto his shoulder. Finn heard Poe’s muffled sobs. He saw Ben howling into oblivion. He saw Rey, pale and broken and bloodied.

It was real.  A shuddering sob went through Finn’s body as the slumped back into Finn, allowing himself to be held.  They had won. The Abeloth was defeated. Rey had laid down her life for them, assuring that the galaxy would not fall into the hands of this evil.

The galaxy would never know how much they owed this woman, would never know the cost of their continued existence. But somehow it didn’t matter, because in this tomb, Finn was certain there was a galaxy worth of suffering.


	19. Chapter18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the last chapter thanks so much for reading! :)

 

Chapter 18

“Is this her…”

“I don’t know Brother, why don’t you poke her some more…I’m sure that will…”

“Both of you…stop bickering and give her room. Dying is an exhausting process as you both well know…”

The voices above Rey were slowly becoming clearer, as if she had at first been hearing them from a distance and now had arrived. Now on the other side of her lids she could see a blinding white light. Slowly, tentatively, she opened one eye. It was bright, but she found her eyes were not burned or impacted by it. She opened the other and looked up. She saw three faces staring down at her.

She had seen them before.

“Aren’t you all dead,” she asked, her voice dry and hoarse.

“You’re one to talk,” said the man who stood over her. He wore darker clothes than the others and looked down at her with ruby red eyes.

“Don’t harass her brother,” said the woman. She leaned over Rey, her face inches from her. “How are you feeling dear?”

“Uh…confused,” she said, sitting up slowly and looking around. It was disorienting, she was surrounded by infinite light, light beneath her and around her. “What…where am I? Am I dead? Did I die?”

“Yes,” said the man, but his voice was happy and there was kind smile on his face as he held out a hand to her. “You have died, my dear.”

Rey took his hand and let him help her to her feet. She felt like nothing around her was solid, but the light was firm beneath her feet.

“So…did…did it work,” she asked, her voice trembling and desperate. “Is she…”

“Yes,” said the man, nodding. “You have defeated her, and the whole galaxy owes you their lives.”

“Too bad you aren’t around to collect,” said the younger man, earning a glare from the woman.

“I’m…I’m assuming you’re, the Ones,” said Rey, tentatively. “The Father, Daughter, Son, ones?”

The Father let out a laugh. “That is correct. We spent our lives attempting to keep the Abeloth at bay, and we have long been waiting for a champion to defeat her, so that we could move on.”

“Move on?”

“Yes,” said the Father. He waved his hand and the light peeled back like a scroll revealing, well everything, somehow. It was all the things she had seen when she drank of the Pool of Knowledge. “You see it was our job to keep her evil at bay, and when we were killed, we could not let ourselves fully pass on.  We have remained in this self-imposed prison, intervening when we can, acting when we can, but we knew, eventually the job would fall to someone.”

“Directing,” said Rey thoughtfully. “So, it was you who was talking to Ben…”

“Well that was me,” said the Brother. “He’s every bit as infuriating as his dear old grandad was, and twice as thick, took him forever to get up and moving.”

“You led me to the Dagger,” she said, turning and looking at the Daughter. She beamed at Rey, with a blindingly beautiful smile.

She turned to the Father. “And you, you helped me realize what I had to do?”

He nodded, sadly. “I am so sorry my dear. It broke my heart to watch you suffer with that burden. But I knew…I knew it had to be someone who was powerful but did not crave power. Someone who strong, but humble. Someone who had people she loved and believed it was all worth saving.  Someone who was in the light but was not afraid of the dark.” He stepped closer, his eyes filled with pride and gratefulness. He put his hand on her shoulder. “And you did beautifully.”

“And now,” said the Daughter. “We can move on and become one with the Force, now that there is no more Abeloth to watch.”

Rey let out a sigh and looked at them.

“I guess…I guess that means…that’s where I am going too, right?” Rey asked the question tentatively, almost embarrassed. Was she even allowed to become one with the Force? Was that exclusively a Jedi privilege?

“Yes,” said the Daughter. “You will go with us, Rey.”

Rey bit her lip and nodded, slowly.

“Can I… Can I see them…” the request came out tremulously, as she looked at the space where the light had peeled back. “Just…once more before I go…”

The Daughter looked at the Father, they shared a look and nodded.

Rey stepped closer to get a better look, it was like looking at them through the screen of a holopad. She wanted to reach out and touch them, but she couldn’t.

Poe was holding Finn, with so much tenderness and love.  Finn had slumped back into Poe’s body, Poe’s arm was wrapped around Finn’s chest, holding him into him as the man he loved shook with sadness.  Poe’s cheek rested against Finn’s head, crying his own silent tears. Rey could tell he was trying to be strong, strong for Finn, and that made her grateful.

But she felt her heart break when she saw Ben. He sat alone, clutching her limp body to him as tightly as he could, as if he would viciously attack anyone who tried to pull him away from her.  His huge frame was shacking violently, and even from here she could hear his desperate, devastating, angry sobs, mixed throughout the howls of pain, she heard her own name. She had imagined, in the face of grief, Ben would go back to what he knew; control or rage. But this…this was so different than either, this was uncensored pain as he cried into her blood caked hair.

And he had no one.

“Do…do you wish to stay with them?”

She looked up suddenly, taken aback by the Father’s question.

“What?”

“Do you wish to stay with them?

She looked from the Father, to the Daughter and to the Son.

“I didn’t know that was an option,” she said slowly.

“Well,” said the Daughter, stepping forward tentatively. “It’s not usually, but due to the unique circumstances of your death, possessed by another being, death by the Dagger… you know…”

“Yeah,” said Rey slowly. “I remember, I was there.”

The Son let out a small snort of a laugh.

“Told you she wasn’t that sweet my dear sister,” he said.  The Daughter ignored him and continued.

“…Well because of that…there are options. But…they do not come without a price.”

“Of course,” sighed Rey. “Why would it?”

Rey looked down at her friends. She was done paying prices, done fighting, done struggling. But still…

“What’s the price?”

“The work, the energy that it would take for you to do this, to pass back into life, it would…it would strip you of your connection to the Force.”

Rey looked at him, her eyes wide with shock.

“What…what does that mean? I thought the “force was in everyone,”” she said, mimicking Luke’s sagely voice.

“It is,” said the Father. “And it will still be in you, but not in the way it has been; not in the way you know it. The Force is in every living thing, so it will be there, but you won’t be able to tap into the Cosmic Force any longer.”

Rey stared at the Father, trying to read his expression, any hint at what the right answer was, as if this was one more Jedi test to be mastered, but, instead, he regarded with the same warm smile.

“Are you able to do that,” he asked. “Are you able to live just as a normal human?”

Normal.

Nothing.

Everything she feared.

To lose the Force was to lose this thing that had made her feel not quite so alone. It told her that she was connected to something bigger, something that mattered, as though she meant something in the grand scheme of the galaxy- anything that told her shew as more than that scared little girl on Jakku.

But now, looking down at them, something struck her, something that had been just out of reach, something that here, seemed so clear.

She was that little girl on Jakku; scared and desperate for belonging, and that little girl, force or no force, was enough, enough to be loved and cherished. The Force had not made her something, it had not validated her existence, the story, the Jedi, Skywalker’s, Solo…

“Why do you need it so much,” Ben’s question rang loud and clear in her ears.

He was right after all, in his own way. She was nothing, as all humans are, and she was something, as all humans are.

…balance.

…tension

…life

…death

…light

...dark

...nothing

…something

Now the answer to that question seemed to simple, and easy, she could almost laugh.

“I don’t.”

“Don’t…what,” asked the Father, slowly. She looked at him abruptly.

“I want to go back,” she looked at her family. “I want to go back. I want to be with them, Force or no Force.”

The Father gave her a knowing smile and a nod.

“Very well,” he said, motioning toward the opening in the light. “Just pass on through, and you’ll be home again.”

Rey nodded and looked him.

“Thank you,” she said.

The Father gave her a small nod before walking over to be with his own children. Rey stood at the precipice of the light, readying to jump through, when she turned back to them briefly.

“Wait,” she said hurriedly. “I’m just curious…How did…How did I beat her? I’m not even a Jedi.”

The Father let out a laugh. “Oh child,” he said. “The Jedi, the Sith, they all make it so much more complicated than it has to be, even the Abeloth fell into the same trap. The Jedi believe they can create balance with light, the Sith believe they can create balance with the dark, the Abeloth believed chaos was beyond balance and beyond the Force, when all of it…all of it is the Force, all of it is the balance that keeps the universe tied together. Call it Love, God, the Force, Truth…It’s all the same thing, and nothing exists outside of it…not hate, not power, and not chaos.”

Rey nodded slowly.

Nothing existed outside of it.  She wasn’t really letting anything go.

And with that knowledge, she leapt through the opening. 

 

************

 

At some point, Ben had stopped screaming, and had fallen into quiet dry shudders. He still clung desperately to her, afraid to let go. He could do this. Remain frozen in this time and place and holding her.  When he let go, it was a sign that life would have to start, that things would need to be done, and conversations would need to be had, all of them without Rey.

And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t face that. He didn’t know how long they were sitting. He could feel something through the haze and the grief though. He looked up and saw Poe kneeling a few inches away.  With a startling gentleness, Poe reached out a hand, like a brother in war offering all he could to another. He gently wiped away the blood and debris from Ben’s face. Ben felt another shudder, and dropped his head again, looking away from Poe.

“Ben,” he said, his voice soft and tentative. “Ben it’s time to go.”

“Go then,” he said, but somehow, he couldn’t muster up any hate or bite in his words, and it was more than just that he was exhausted.

“We have to go home now,” said Poe, his voice shaking. “We…we have to go home.”

Ben looked up.  This time he meant to tell Poe to shove it up his ass, but again, it died in on his lips. Suddenly, he felt lost, shiftless, and completely alone. He looked around desperate for an escape.

“I…I don’t have one…” he finally said, it poured from him like a shameful confession.  He didn’t want assurances, he didn’t want compassion, he didn’t want Poe to look at him as though he were a kid brother. He didn’t want any of it. Except that he did. He didn’t want to want it, he wanted to close himself off all over again, to go numb and cold. But wasn’t. He was feeling everything. He was feeling so afraid.

Slowly he looked up at Poe.  The man he had hated for so long. The man he resented. The perfect son. The Generals’ pet. The best pilot in the Resistance. The man he tortured.

“Don’t be stupid,” said Poe. Poe looked at Rey and gently tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear. “Your home…is…it’s with her. And her home was with us. So…let’s…let’s take her home, okay?”

Ben squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“We can do this,” said Poe. “We can survive this.”

“How?” the question, much like his screams, seemed to come of its own volition, from a desperate need he couldn’t control. Poe looked at Rey for a long moment, and then back to Ben.

“By honoring her the best way we can,” he said. “…living.”

Ben was almost positive he could not do that, especially if it was going to hurt this bad forever. And if it didn’t hurt this bad forever, did that mean he didn’t love her? 

But all the same, he nodded. There was nothing else to do. So, he gently maneuvered her into his arms, and stood up, carefully shifting her so her head was resting on his shoulder. He looked down at her, for a moment he could imagine that she was just asleep, and he could enjoy the feel of her in his arms.

Then he looked up.  Finn and Poe were standing in front of him. He could only briefly stand to look at Finn for a moment. He could barely stand his own grief, but he had to actively repel Finn’s away from his consciousness.

Ben took one step forward and stopped. He looked down at Rey.

Had she moved?

Or was that just wishful thinking, his mind manifesting what he wanted so badly?

“Mmmmm…”

It came out as the smallest of whimpers. Ben held his breathe and closed his eyes, too afraid to hope.

“Maybe one day when you hold me like this, I’ll actually be awake for it, huh, Solo?”

Ben’s body shook. It was so screwed up with trauma and pain, he was afraid if he released it all at once he would go into some sort of shock. He looked up at Finn and Poe, they were staring at him wide-eyed, as shocked as he was. They could see it too.

“Is this…is this real…”

“I hope so,” said Rey. She sounded so tired, her voice was raspy, and her eyes were lulling closed. “Because that was exhausting.”

And then Ben started to laugh. At first it was the laugh of the mad and absurd and then it turned into one of utter relief and joy.

Rey looked up at him groggily.

“I like that,” she commented. “It’s a nice laugh.”

Ben was overwhelmed. He wanted to hug her, to kiss her, to run to get her off this wretched planet, to ask her what exactly had just happened. But all he could do was laugh at the insanity and how unbelievable it all really was.

She turned her head slightly to look at Finn and Poe, who were standing next to her, mouths agape, still frozen in silence.  No one wanted to move for fear that she would easily break, and this tenuous grasp on life could be lost.

“Rey…Rey…you’re here,” said Finn with a nod. “You’re here.”

She offered him a weak smile, her face turning a few shades whiter. “Yeah…Yeah I’m here and…I…” She squeezed her eyes and shut in pain. “Don’t be scared but…I think I am about to pass out…”

Her head fell back again. 

“Poe,” said Ben, still holding her. He didn’t need to finish the request, Poe pressed his fingers to the side of her neck assuring she was still alive.

“She’s alive,” he said. “But we should get her back to one of the Dreadnaughts now.”

Poe was right. She was alive, but her arm was destroyed and bleeding, and there could be internal damage that they couldn’t see. Ben held her close and hurried out of the cave as quickly as he could without jostling her too much.

There would be time to talk, to breathe sighs of relief, to feel everything that they were feeling.  But not right now. They weren’t going to lose her again.

**********

The second time Rey awoke she on a bed; a comfortable one at that, she noticed. Her arm was wrapped in a bacta patch and her other arm had a tube going into it.  She could hear a medical droid in humming about in the background, and Finn snoring on the bed next to her.

She turned her head to the other side of her bed where Bens’ head was laying against the mattress. He was hunched forward in what she assumed was a very uncomfortable position, his hand resting a few inches from hers.

She smiled softly. She tried to reach out to him, to get a sense of his feelings but was abruptly reminded that that was no longer an option.

The cost. She looked around the room again. Nothing felt wrong, but there was something different, something she had never felt before, even before the Force was awakened inside her. She swallowed hard and was suddenly beset with anxiety. It had been her tool, how she stayed alive, and now it was gone. And she felt so very vulnerable.

Suddenly the medical droid was standing over her, checking her vitals.

“Don’t be afraid, miss,” said the droid, it’s voice attempting to be soothing and kind. “You need to stay relax and rested, your body has been through an incredible amount of stress, adding anything further will only exacerbate your injuries.”

Rey nodded and sank back onto the pillow. She was still tired. Her body felt an ache down to her bones, and suddenly, and abruptly, she was cut off from the Force, and this time it was permanent. She closed her eyes and breathed in.

The Force may be gone, but so were all the voices, the creatures that haunted her mind, they were gone too. Before she fell back into unconsciousness, her hand felt around on the side of the bed until it found Ben’s.

************

Rey moved in and out of consciousness for several days, while she couldn’t seem to stay awake long enough to talk to anyone, there was always someone there, waiting for her when she was. Her sleep addled brain would pick up on other conversations happening in the room, comforted by their presence. She heard Rose, Poe, and Finn, and while she rarely heard him, she knew Ben was there. Less chatty, less smiley and still broody, as though he wasn’t quite ready to trust, as though his body was poised against inevitable trauma.

But every time she woke, she felt a little stronger, more rested, and a little more at peace in her body, trusting again that it was hers.  When she was able to sit up and eat again, Finn was by her side, crying and hugging her.  Poe lightened her spirits with his high energy humor, perking her up even more, and Rose took her in a long, tearful embrace.

“I was so afraid I would never see you again,” she said, and Rey could all but see the burden that lifted from her shoulders.

“I know,” said Rey, brushing hair from the woman’s face with affection. “Thank you so much Rose. The fact that you came with me I…I’ll never be able to thank you enough for it.”

It was a happy reunion, except for Ben. While he remained vigil at her bedside, holding her hand and faithfully making sure she took what medicine she needed to take, he had not greeted her with the warm welcome of her friends. He remained broody and stand offish.  Not that she expected him to jump for joy and join the group hug, he was moody, and he was broody, and she knew that that was Ben Solo, not just Kylo Ren. But she was still slightly put off that he had yet to really say a word to her, at least at moments when she was conscious. There were a few in-between moments where he kissed her forehead and told her that he was here, but nothing besides that.

She kept trying to steal glances, to make eye contact and offer him a smile, but he didn’t budge, a fact that Rose, ever the observant one, took note. Even though she could no longer rely on the Force to read people, Rey suspected that when Rose started corralling her friends out of the room, the timing was no accident.

They each gave her hugs and well-wishes before beginning to file out, except for Ben. Ben was still sitting in his chair, showing no sign of budging either to leave or to respond to her.  When everyone was gone, Rey turned to look at him.  She knew she should tenderly inquire, that’s what women did with men they loved right?  But at this point, she was far too irritated for that.

“Are you going to tell me why you’re being so moody,” she asked, her eyes narrowing.

Ben raised an eyebrow, and laughed incredulously, making Rey prickle even more.  Even if she couldn’t read the emotions anymore, she was going to make damn sure that hers were coming in loud and clear.  Helpful? Maybe not. Petty? Absolutely.

“Nothing,” he answered, holding out his hand. “Nothing at all…”

“Right,” she said with a sarcastic nod. “Clearly nothing is wrong! You’re all sunshine and kittens.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” he said. “I’ve never been either of those things once in my life.”

“Oh, believe me I know,” she said. “You specialize in driving me crazy with evasion and weird-mixed signals. And I am far too hungry for that…”

Ben angrily stood and stomped over to one of refrigerator units. He jerked it open and pulled out a cup of wasaka-berry pudding before slamming it shut again. Rey glowered at him from the spot she was propped up on in her bed. His face had not softened, and his mood had not improved, in fact it seemed to be getting worse, but he held out the cup to her.

“Here,” he snapped. She regarded it suspiciously before taking it from him.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice pinched before shoving a spoon into the substance angrily. She continued to glare at him from the corner of her eye as she devoured the pudding. This was supposed to be happy day and he was ruining it.

“I know that you’re moody,” she said. “I know you have a temper,” she accentuated ever sentence with another stab into the cup. “And that’s fine. Pretty sure I love you anyway, pretty sure sometimes under some circumstances, it’s actually kind of adorable. But right now, it just hurts my feelings Ben…” she jerked her shoulders trying to shove off that confession. “Because I died. Like, literally, died and went into an after-life with cryptic Force-wielders,” she paused and looked at him briefly. “The Son says “hi” by the way.” She turned back to her pudding, taking a brief moment to enjoy the taste of it in her mouth. If she had been in any other situation she would be savoring every bite, but now she was angry-eating, a luxury she had never had the opportunity for before. “And it was all exhausting, confusing and painful. And now I am back and you’re acting all shirty.” She could feel the emotions rising as she went on, but she was committed to this rant now, even as she felt Ben’s body tensing beside her, he was clutching tightly to the arms of the chair and he was staring forward.  But since the helmet came off, she hadn’t been scared of him once. “And I know…I know I’m not even giving you a chance to talk, but I died, and then I came back, and I thought maybe we would get a tender loving reunion but nooo….”

“YOU DIED!”

And just like that his emotion came boiling over as he stood up to his feet. Rey watched wide-eyed as he walked to the other side of the room, his body shacking. He faced away from her for a long moment, and she wasn’t sure if he was going to leave or not. But then he turned around and stalked back to the bed, then back away, and then back again. Rey watched him, confused, as he paced around, pointed, and began to speak, only to shut his mouth for several minutes.

Rey sighed and sat back in the bed, but then jumped up again when he grabbed the foot of the bed and leaned over it.  He looked at her with more emotions then she had ever seen in his eyes; there was fear, love, anger, sadness, anxiety, confusion and embarrassment.

“You died,” he repeated, slowly, dropping his head. “You died…” this time it came out soft, as if to himself, reminding him of the reality of the past few days.  Then he looked up at her again. “You died…do you get that?” She opened her mouth to speak but this time he talked over her. “You died, Rey. In my arms, right in front of me. I woke up and…” his voice cracked, and he gripped the edge of the bed harder. “I woke up and you were gone. And I had never been so scared in my life. And I got to you…I got to you as fast as I could, and I got there in time and I was sure I if got there in time I could…I could help you. But then you died anyway.” His body shook again as he tightened his even harder. Rey didn’t interrupt this time. “You died in my arms and I…”

“I had too,” she said, her voice trembling. “I’m sorry but I had too Ben it was…”

“I know,” he said. “You don’t think I know that? That’s who you are. And you’ll do it again and again if you have too, and I know that.  You will fight to save the things you love again and again and again, and I…I don’t want you to change that. But you can’t just leave me behind like that that.”

Rey’s body drooped, and she looked down at her hands.

“It’s not your job to save me,” she said, but her voice was soft, not accusatory.

“Yes,” he said nodding his head. “Yes, it is. We’ re a team now. You don’t get to run off and be a damn hero all by yourself.  It’s what you do for me, and you have to let me do it for you too.” He stood straight and looked at her, the tension in his body eased slightly, calming at the release. “You don’t get to make decision for me Rey. We make them together. We fight and argue, and we work it out. It’s the only way I can stay sane and love someone who is going to insist on running head first into every fight she can find. So, please, I just need to know that you’re going to let me have your back, that I don’t have to chase after you every time, terrified that I’m too late.”

Hero.  The word rang hallow in her ears. He loved that about her. She knew that. Her friends loved it about her, too. And now…

“Well you don’t have to worry about me being a hero anymore,” she said with a sad laugh. “Because I won’t be lifting rocks or anything else again for the rest of my life.”

Ben looked at her questioningly.

“What do you mean?”

“It was the price I had to pay to come back,” she said, her voice quieting as she looked down again. “I don’t really get it, half the time I feel like people are making things up as they go with the Force,” she shrugged and absently stirred the spoon in her cup. “So, congratulations, no more dying for the galaxy for me.”

 “Rey…”

She turned in bed, dangling her feet off the edge of the bed. She didn’t want to look at him, not right now.

“Rey…” he said again, sitting on the other side of the bed, facing the opposite direction. “I’m sorry.” She knew he was. He understood, better than anyone, what that kind of loss would feel like, like trying to navigate the world without a limb you had already come to rely on. But this thing had been such a big part of her, it was the thing that brought her to her friends, and even to Ben. They never knew her outside of it, and that brought with it such a strong feeling of instability and uncertainty.

She let out a small bitter laugh. “I wanted to be with you all so badly, and it seemed like such a small price to pay for that. But I…” she breathed in deeply to tame the tremor in her voice. “I didn’t want to leave you. And now I don’t even know if you’d even still…”

 “Still what Rey…” he asked, but the tenseness in his voice made her certain he had an idea.

“I remember…” she said softly, perhaps, for the first time, feeling insecure about where she stood with Ben.  He had always been the conflicted one, the uncertain one, but now she felt naked with it. “I remember how you looked at me when the saber came to me, and not to you. I remember how you looked at me when we fought at Starkiller.” She paused and briefly looked over her shoulder. Ben was gripping the edge of the bed, staring forward. “You were drawn to me because I was powerful, even if I didn’t know it, and I don’t…I don’t have that anymore.”

She felt Ben move from the bed and she felt a shiver of sadness go through her. But then he was standing in front of her.  She continued to look down at her hands, embarrassed to look at him, again a foreign emotion when it came to anyone, including Ben. He let out a sigh, she couldn’t tell if it was in frustration or exhaustion and knelt down in front of her.

“Rey,” he said, he looked at her expectantly, looking up at her from his crouched position. “Listen to me. I am drawn to you because you’re powerful, but that doesn’t have anything to do with the Force. You had never touched a lightsaber, but you wielded one without fear, I promise you that that had a lot more to do with you than it had to do with the Force. I love you because of who you are. I love you because you are brilliant, and brave, and loyal. I love you because you flew across the galaxy to rescue me, twice now. And, even though it terrifies me more then anything ever has, I love you because you’re the type of fool who thinks she can face down one of the evilest beings in the galaxy alone.”

Rey’s eyes slowly raised to his, and he raised a hand to cup her face. “I never loved you because you could lift rocks. You are still powerful.  Rey the Scavenger, Rey the Hero, Rey the Resistance fighter, Rey the Jedi, Rey the Abeloth-possessed basket case, I love all that you have been, and I will love all that you become.”

Rey looked down at him a bit longer before the corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile.

“When did you get so good at romantic speeches, Solo?”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” he said with a shrug. “I had a calligraphy set at the temple and wrote some lovely poetry.” Rey’s smile grew to one of near glee. “And no…No I do not have any, so you’ll have to just be happy with the speeches.”  He paused and stood up in front of her. “Also, I think you owe me a speech, I’ve given two now.”

Rey scoffed teasingly, looking up at him. “Please I do big romantic gestures like crossing the galaxy to rescue the prince.”

“I’m not a Prince,” he said, leaning closer to her. Rey looked up at him with a big, open-mouthed smile.

“Really,” she said, cocking her head to the side. “And I’m not a Jedi. What does that make us?”

Ben looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, inches away from her face.

“Nothing?”

Rey laughed and nodded before sitting up to reach his face.

“Nothing,” she said. “Ben Solo, I would love to have a long life of being nothing with you.” Rey closed the gap between them, raised her good hand to his face, and kissed him like it was the first time in a lifetime.

She was enough, whether she was an all-powerful Jedi or a nothing, she was what he needed.

 


End file.
